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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Found my straight partner on Grindr??

119 replies

Snec · 16/03/2022 13:38

I need some advice

I have been with my partner coming up 4 years and we live together. Was sorting the washing yesterday and his phone was in the bedroom, a notification popped up and it was the app Grindr

This absolutely blindsided me and I then found myself unlocking his phone and on the app, what I found honestly made me feel sick, he has been sending pictures of himself and receiving pictures back from other men.

I brought up that I saw the notification pop up and he said he doesn’t know what it is and must of downloaded it years ago and just dismissed it, so now I know that he has lied about it because I have seen the messages.

What the f do I do 😩😩 clearly the trust is not there and now he has lied about it

OP posts:
ImFree2doasiwant · 16/03/2022 14:34

It's hard OP but just ell him,you saw the messages and know he lied. You're not the one in te wrong here

RewildingAmbridge · 16/03/2022 14:35

Can you get hold of the phone and screenshot and send to yourself? Confront him with the proof of you think he'll deny it and yes you need to leave and get a sexual health check.

Original poster
Snec · 16/03/2022 14:39

@RewildingAmbridge I presume by now he has deleted the app and got rid of all evidence. I will try and update later on how I am and the situation, currently about to go to work

OP posts:
Vapeyvapevape · 16/03/2022 14:39

What a shock for you. Time to get your finances sorted and make sure that wherever you live next you are financially secure and your name is on the deeds / tenancy.

Seraphinesupport · 16/03/2022 14:42

not many straight man would want to see mens genitals Soo definitely bi or gay and definitely the lies that would be it for me

Tamworth123 · 16/03/2022 14:51

Gay or bi.

He'll probably use women as beards ongoing. Don't be one of them

I wouldn't count on any honesty at any point either. He's clearly not OK at all with coming out as gay or bi or you wouldn't be in this position.
These guys .... there have been numerous women on here with partners aught using gay chat lines for hundreds of hours, caught by bum dialling the poster while having a hook up in their car; they denied, denied, denied, gas lit, lied, bull shitted, manipulated on and on, gas lit so much I think both posters were still with them ..... they will never ever be honest. They simply cannot ever admit they're gay or bi, they can never come out.

Tamworth123 · 16/03/2022 14:52

It sounds like you don't have kids, don't be in the position of the posters I've mentioned above who I think both had families with these specimens.

Original poster
Snec · 16/03/2022 14:56

@Tamworth123 we have no children so I would not have to worry about staying in contact ect

OP posts:
wordler · 16/03/2022 15:08

Well - he's either Bi or Pan sexual if he's interested in men and women. That may or may not be a deal breaker for you in itself.

But the main issue is he's seems to be looking for extra mental and possibly physical sexual connections outside of your relationship and he's lying about it.

I assume that is probably a deal breaker so you need to make plans to leave him if it is. I wouldn't fully confront him until you've got all your ducks in a row for leaving though.

If you've had unprotected sex with him at any point in your relationship you need to go get yourself checked and tested.

Hope90x · 16/03/2022 15:10

I'm so sorry this is happening to you OP, I can't imagine how you must feel. This would be a gut-wrenching discovery and I hope you can find some comfort in the coming weeks.

Please remember, as PPs have said, he is unlikely to be honest with you given he has already proven himself dishonest,

  • by being on Grindr in the first place nevermind lying once confronted.

I'm sure you have questions but unfortunately you may never have the answers. It is clear that your DP is attracted to men (this may or may not ALWAYS have been the case) and regardless of whether he is gay or bisexual, the main take-away from this is that he has been unfaithful to you by having and pursuing relationships with others.

You deserve better than to be treated in this way, the lying when confronted shows he is not remorseful and does not feel he owes it to you to be truthful.

Given that you will likely never have the full truth, please have an STD check for peace of mind.

FleetwoodRaincoat · 16/03/2022 15:14

Maybe look at it another way.. he is bi or gay. Either way he's probably hugely embarrassed and ashamed (not that he needs to be, but many men are) , which is why he has not been able to tell you about it.

You could try asking him very calmly about it, rather than going in all guns blazing.

He has cheated on you, but it's because he has desires for men, which obviously you can't fulfill.

I would say be calm, give him a chance to let it all out and show that you won't get angry. If he denies it all then you can walk away, knowing you've done as much as you can do.

SouperNoodle · 16/03/2022 15:17

My DH being bi wouldn't bother me but the secrecy, talking to people sexually behind my back and lies would be a deal breaker!
Don't let him talk his way out of it.

OrlandointheWilderness · 16/03/2022 15:18

@FleetwoodRaincoat

Maybe look at it another way.. he is bi or gay. Either way he's probably hugely embarrassed and ashamed (not that he needs to be, but many men are) , which is why he has not been able to tell you about it.

You could try asking him very calmly about it, rather than going in all guns blazing.

He has cheated on you, but it's because he has desires for men, which obviously you can't fulfill.

I would say be calm, give him a chance to let it all out and show that you won't get angry. If he denies it all then you can walk away, knowing you've done as much as you can do.

He had cheated - but saying it is because he has desires the op can't fulfil is completely undermining the millions of bi men and women who have completely faithful relationships without cheating. Cheating is a choice.
Degreeincodology · 16/03/2022 16:18

He obviously ain't straight if he's doing that. That would be an absolute deal-breaker for me! I would be disgusted if my SO was sending anyone dick pics.

Trippingslippingx1 · 16/03/2022 16:20

Oh god

MondeoFan · 16/03/2022 16:32

This happened to a friend of mine. She went to work and came home and he had a male in the house. She asked his name as hadn't heard the mate mentioned before and thought it strange he was in the house.
The next day she came from work early and the same male was there again and walking around her house naked and her boyfriend went red with embarrassment.
This was when she realised what was going on. Don't let this happen to you.

girlmom21 · 16/03/2022 16:34

Oh OP I'm sorry.
I'd have packed your bags and left while he was at work to be honest.

Bookworm20 · 16/03/2022 16:41

He has cheated on you, but it's because he has desires for men, which obviously you can't fulfill.

Oh, well thats ok then Hmm

I'm so sorry to hear this OP, regardless of his reasons or sexuality, he has cheated on you. Absolutely no excuse to cheat on and lie to you.

I'm glad you have somewhere to go. but yes be prepared for the excuses, the denying, then the tears when he realises what you actually know. Plus a bit of its not his fault, blah blah. Just keep in mind, he cheated. He lied. 100% his choice to do those things.

Fluffycloudland77 · 16/03/2022 16:43

It’s more common than we think, my dms friend was nearly 80 when her dh of over 60 years announced he was moving his boyfriend in.

tkwal · 16/03/2022 17:16

Being on Grindr is no worse than being on any other dating App. If you're in a committed relationship you shouldn't be on any of them as ultimately most of them are used to hook you up for casual sex which may (very rarely)lead to a relationship.
You have taken your partner unaware by seeing this random notification so try to talk to him about it calmly later on. Being Bi means that you can feel attracted to anyone, NOT that you can have a partner of each sex. You deserve the truth OP , then make your decision.

Midnightfeasts · 16/03/2022 19:46

Grindr no worse than any other dating app? It's a notorious gay hook up app, and must be devastating for a woman who thinks she is in a relationship with a straight man?

popcornchickin · 16/03/2022 20:15

He is closeted and he is cheating and you deserve SO MUCH BETTER. So tired of the gay men that do this to women. Philip Schofield, Elizabeth Smarts dad, Kris Jenners husband etc. Men who convince women they're straight and really want to be with them and the women waste years of their lives thinking they are settled with a soul mate. My bf is a gay bloke and the amount of married (to women) men on Grindr is shocking. Get out now runnnnnnn!!!

Fluffycloudland77 · 16/03/2022 20:30

It’s a fairly big omission when your getting to know each other. You assume they are heterosexual if their chatting you up don’t you?

Spaghag · 16/03/2022 20:36

Forgetting the sex of the person he is messaging & sending nude photos to, cheating is cheating.

If you wouldn't accept this type of interaction with another woman (not many would), then you shouldn't be accepting it with a man either.

FluffyFluffMonster · 16/03/2022 20:49

This happened to me many years ago. When I confronted him he told me all the lies. He was hacked, he never downloaded it, it was a porn addiction
There were photos exchanged, messages arranging meets, he also paid for the site so his bank details were there too.
He gaslighted me really bad. Told me he would never do that to me and my DD. This went on for months before I finally knew the truth.
Please don't be me. I was in such denial but the truth is there in black and white. You need to leave.