Found my straight partner on Grindr??

[Snec]

I need some advice

I have been with my partner coming up 4 years and we live together. Was sorting the washing yesterday and his phone was in the bedroom, a notification popped up and it was the app Grindr

This absolutely blindsided me and I then found myself unlocking his phone and on the app, what I found honestly made me feel sick, he has been sending pictures of himself and receiving pictures back from other men.

I brought up that I saw the notification pop up and he said he doesn’t know what it is and must of downloaded it years ago and just dismissed it, so now I know that he has lied about it because I have seen the messages.

What the f do I do 😩😩 clearly the trust is not there and now he has lied about it

@bluesberry

Straight men don't go on grindr.

Sorry, but have you used Grindr? Are you part of that community? Anyone who has the app will tell you there are straight men who lurk on there.

"I'm attracted to women and there might be some men on there who look like women"

Doesn't happen

... That's literally what happens.

Men are on Grindr because they have a very keen interest in participating in sexual acts with other men. They may be married. They may have girlfriends. They may be all manner of things but straight definitely isn't one of them!

Sorry, but have you used Grindr? Are you part of that community? Anyone who has the app will tell you there are straight men who lurk on there.

Lurking isn't the same as exchanging dick pics.

@Stillfunny

I wish it was only pictures of ducks

Oh my, that did give me a giggle! 😂

(I am sorry for what you went through though!!)

I've used the app!! The straight men aren't actually straight

@AthenaPopodopolous

Don’t have sex with him again, kick him out and get HIV test. Disgusting behaviour from him. And your sexual health is at risk. Don’t get me wrong, if that’s his sexual preference now, fine. Gay men in relationships though with women? Grim.

How can she kick him out when she lives in his house and her name isn't on the mortgage?

Lurking isn't the same as exchanging dick pics.

They do both of those things.

[quote greasyshoes]@bluesberry

Straight men don't go on grindr.

Sorry, but have you used Grindr? Are you part of that community? Anyone who has the app will tell you there are straight men who lurk on there.

"I'm attracted to women and there might be some men on there who look like women"

Doesn't happen

... That's literally what happens.[/quote]
They might self identify as straight but that doesn't mean that they are.

Also unfortunately for transgender women many of the men who say they are 'straight' who are also interested in transgender women do not in any way treat them the same as they would biological women.

They fetishize them, treat them as sex toys, they often want the transgender women to have their penis intact and then ignore their request to not touch their penis. They often treat transgender women appallingly, like a 'thing', not a person, something to fulfil their fantasy, that is all.

For me the heterosexual label means a person must be monosexual, but for 'straight' men who also are attracted to transgender women it seems the vast vast majority of the time they treat biological women and transgender women as two completely different distinct categories...they do not see them as the same at all, they very much 'other' them.

@Tamworth123

They are straight men because aside from their attraction to trans women, they are only attracted to women and not men. There are loads of straight men on Grindr.

If they are attracted to travs women, esp pre op trans women, they are not straight men.

There are no straight men on grindr. There may be men who identify as straight on grindr, but that's their self delusion/deception (and of any partner of theirs).

That poster has some wacky views (I tend to scroll past) but as equally wacky as this may sound I feel they have a point on this.

People don’t tend to be attracted to genitalia. If you are about to eat your dinner the last thing anyone wants to see is male or female parts. On its own genitalia doesn’t do much for us, only when we associate it with the rest of the person does it stir up any feelings.

When we find someone attractive, in 99.999% of cases it has nothing to do with their genitalia (for one we don’t see it when we first see them). So a woman could be attracted to what they (and pretty much everyone) perceives as being a male (who has a vagina) and a man could be attracted to what they (and pretty much everyone) perceives as a female (who has a penis). You fancying them doesn’t make you a lesbian, nor does it make a man gay who fancies what they think is a woman.

We are attracted to what we perceive as male or female.

It’s because we associate male with penis and female with vagina (naturally enough as that’s what the sex's are born with) many automatically assume we must also be attracted to their respective genitalia. But would anyone honestly say if the genitalia was reversed (males were born with vaginas and females with penises) that straight females would no longer find males attractive (and the same with straight males toward females)? I’d suggest that wouldn’t be the case at all.

If genitalia was reversed then it would work the same way because of biology and evolution.
So straight women would of course be attracted to men with vaginas and wouldn't be attracted to men with penises.

@Midnightfeasts

Grindr no worse than any other dating app? It's a notorious gay hook up app, and must be devastating for a woman who thinks she is in a relationship with a straight man?

Got this amazing quote as I’m reading and this stands out full on… everyone acts like it’s all the same but once it happens to you … you’ll feel the shame and embarrassment and the anger that can’t be fully discussed because those who gloss over this fact will shame you.

You were lied to BIG TIME. Sexuality and the trust in that with partners means full disclosure of these things.

I

I will also say that you don’t need anything more than what you already know. God it hurts. I know it.

You can keep quiet as you get your ducks in a row. No sex … you have lady troubles or whatever (please no sex you’d be surprised how men are in any of these things gay or straight)

Then you leave .

Because you want better than to be on constant guard overlooking everything he does. You going forward would have to police his very action. You would never be able to rest easy with him.

What about the business trip?
What of that gym visit?

I am hopeful you see that you need to get out of this. Get yourself away, and if he loves you and truly you are meant to be together it will mean he will woo you again once you are away on your two feet. It will mean he we will have to contend with others because you’re not waiting around for him.

If you are as petty as me. Then get your ducks in a row and leave him where he has no idea. Cut off contact.

Either way, stop looking to a liar for the truth.

Hi, I see this is an old post, but I'm wondering how it worked out? I'm 5 months pregnant and have just found the exact same thing from my husband - however he claims it's exclusively trans women he speaks to and sends pictures to. Just so bizarre, and so many horrific lies to cover it up. I really hope you were able to have an amicable end and move on

So sorry @mummatobe23

What a dick. Does he accept being gay?

When one of my in-laws used grinder he said a lot of the men he met up with in hotels had wives and kids, it’s unfortunately quite common.

If he’s gay or bi-sexual it’s really something he should have mentioned before marrying a woman. I hope you’ve got good support around you.

Also unfortunately for transgender women many of the men who say they are 'straight' who are also interested in transgender women do not in any way treat them the same as they would biological women.They fetishize them, treat them as sex toys, they often want the transgender women to have their penis intact and then ignore their request to not touch their penis. They often treat transgender women appallingly, like a 'thing', not a person, something to fulfil their fantasy, that is all

Wouldn't at all surprise me if this was true. The position of those transwomen is unique, but I think this othering applied to a certain extend to older women who young men fetishise and don't think of them as regular women.

I'm sorry about that @mummatobe23 . I think you need to create your own thread. It's not acceptable. It's no different to sending messages to other men or women. It's innaprrioate for most people's idea of fidelity.

The people who go on Grindr have willies and they want to play with other people’s willies regardless of how you want to label it. OP, my ex was on Grindr. I found out, we split up, and now he’s living with his boyfriend. It doesn’t matter what sex his matches are; it matters that he’s cheating on you or trying to.

I am so sorry you had to go through this & especially being pregnant. I am too going through the same & had decided I was going to try & forgive my husband, we have a daughter & she & I have nowhere to go, I am a stay at home mom & he deals with all the finances I have no idea about any of it as he doesn’t share any of that with me & I just don’t have a clue how to even get started on my own & did not want this to affect my daughter negatively in any way & if I leave I will not be able to give her the life or home she has now, I feel I need to put her first & try to suck it up & pretend all is normal & see if we can rebuild our marriage as he’s willing to put forth effort for the first time in working on us when I’ve been begging for years just to be ignored. But this shit hurts BAD it’s indescribable the hurt & betrayal by this man I love unconditionally. He swears he is done with it. Of course I have my doubts but I just really would like to ask is there ANYONE on here reading this that has been through this, chosen to stay & work through it? Did it work out? Where are y’all now?