Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

Found my straight partner on Grindr??

119 replies

Snec · 16/03/2022 13:38

I need some advice

I have been with my partner coming up 4 years and we live together. Was sorting the washing yesterday and his phone was in the bedroom, a notification popped up and it was the app Grindr

This absolutely blindsided me and I then found myself unlocking his phone and on the app, what I found honestly made me feel sick, he has been sending pictures of himself and receiving pictures back from other men.

I brought up that I saw the notification pop up and he said he doesn’t know what it is and must of downloaded it years ago and just dismissed it, so now I know that he has lied about it because I have seen the messages.

What the f do I do 😩😩 clearly the trust is not there and now he has lied about it

OP posts:

Tamworth123 · 17/03/2022 00:18

People are attracted to other people on how they look.

What a bizarre coincidence that straight men are only attracted to women, on how they look, and vice versa.

When I ask my partner who he fancies, ots just a weird coincidence that he lists 100% women, and the weird coincidence that all his youthful crushes were women, and a would coincidence he's on ever dated women, and a weird coincidence he's only ever had sex with women. Must be all the extremely ugly men he's constantly surrounded by, not that he's straight.

mostlyok · 17/03/2022 00:21

I was in the exact same position a few years ago. Had been with DP for about 18 months when I saw a notification on his phone. He gave me a similar explanation and I accepted it because I didn't want to 'rock the boat'. A few weeks later it happened again but this time I looked at his phone and found similar stuff; photos, convos with multiple guys. The gut-wrenching sickness and pain of it is just awful but as soon as he came back to get his phone, I just confronted him. He tried to deny it but of course there was no disputing what I'd seen.

But like you my feeling was that I could cope if he was bi, but I couldn't cope with him being a liar and a cheat. He was so desperate for us not to break up that he promise to go to counselling to try and resolve his pursuit of a secret life and explore the reasons why he'd cheat. He deleted the app and cut off his conversations and promised me he would never go near it again. I believed him and I stayed.

18 months later I discovered he'd never stopped chatting to his friends, he'd just gotten better at hiding it.

If you want a monogamous relationship, it seems unlikely he's going to be able to offer this to you. Don't limp on like I did and waste more of your life. Nothing for it except to rip the plaster off, tell him you know and then go pack a bag.

Stillfunny · 17/03/2022 00:23

I caught my STBX on a bunch of sites, including Grindr . Married over 30 years . Apparently the sex is straightforward and he wanted to see if anyone fancied him ! Also exchanged duck pics. Still can't get my head around it. Yes , the lies and cheating was bad enough but this was just another level of sleaze altogether. You will have to get rid if him - how could you ever be physical again. You are young , no real ties , you will meet a guy who deserves you.

Stillfunny · 17/03/2022 00:24

I wish it was only pictures of ducks

bluesberry · 17/03/2022 00:24

@greasyshoes

Still not straight. Cross dressers have a dick and balls. Many trans women still have a dick and balls. They may identify as straight but .....

People aren't attracted to other people on whether they have a penis or a vagina (we can't even see that in normal day to day life). People are attracted to other people on how they look.

They are straight men because aside from their attraction to trans women, they are only attracted to women and not men. There are loads of straight men on Grindr.

Oh stop it.

Straight men don't go on grindr.

"I'm attracted to women and there might be some men on there who look like women"

Doesn't happen

Tamworth123 · 17/03/2022 00:28

Greasyshoes believes people can't/don't identify others as male or female without being able to see their penis or vagina.

Even though a 3 year child does.

Enough said.

Tamworth123 · 17/03/2022 00:30

@Stillfunny

I wish it was only pictures of ducks

😁

youvegottenminuteslynn · 17/03/2022 00:42

@greasyshoes

Still not straight. Cross dressers have a dick and balls. Many trans women still have a dick and balls. They may identify as straight but .....

People aren't attracted to other people on whether they have a penis or a vagina (we can't even see that in normal day to day life). People are attracted to other people on how they look.

They are straight men because aside from their attraction to trans women, they are only attracted to women and not men. There are loads of straight men on Grindr.

Why would someone specifically be on Grindr if they didn't specifically find people with penises attractive?

dipdye · 17/03/2022 01:10

Just move out. He'll know why

Momijin · 17/03/2022 03:29

He is definitely cheating and I would also be worried that he was gay but wanting to hide it so using you. Definitely end it.

Tweetr · 17/03/2022 03:56

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

SarahBellam · 17/03/2022 05:45

@greasyshoes

He's not straight if he's on grindr.

Not necessarily. There are a lot of straight men on Grindr seeking trans women or cross dressers.

Whatever you want to label it, he’s still after dick.

OP, I have been where you are. Grindr is a hook up site and a hook up can happen really quickly - even on the way from popping out for a pint of milk. There are tonnes of closeted and bi men on there, absolutely tonnes. When I caught my ex one of his justifications was that 3 other men in our leafy, suburban, small street were also on it, including the next door neighbour!

The issue is that he’s cheating on you, probably prolifically. Grindr isn’t like Match.com for men. It’s a hardcore hookup site, overwhelmingly for men, and men who prefer to present as women.

We split up, obviously, but went on to better things,,and people who suited us better.

jm901928 · 17/03/2022 06:24

I don’t know why this thread has changed into a conversation about attractiveness and whether straight people can use a gay hook up app…

None of that is remotely helpful to the op.

From my personal experience, it’s natural to want some answers and talk about the situation when you’re in this confused and emotional state. But it can be really easy to let the talk delay what you really need to do… And, again, from my own experience, that just makes things much worse.

If the relationship needs to end, it’s best for it end as quickly as possible. It’ll be a further shock to the system, and you might not feel happy again for a while, but in the long run I doubt you’ll regret it.

Hugs. It’s really horrible and difficult what you’re going through.

Lanareyrey · 17/03/2022 07:21

Sorry OP I caught my first husband doing this. Needless to say the marriage didn't work out. He would never admit to it and he has gone on to be remarried to another woman!

FluffyFluffMonster · 17/03/2022 08:05

This happens to sooooo many women! Jesus fucking Christ. I shall be single forever me thinks

I'm so sorry you are going through this right now op. I remember the pain when I found out like it was yesterday. He turned out to be a nasty piece of shit when we broke up so now I have nothing but dislike for him.
You'll get there just stay strong and don't believe any of the lies

Lochroy · 17/03/2022 08:10

It's cheating and you don't need proof to decide to end things and move on. I'm so sorry you are in this situation.

Pennox · 17/03/2022 08:34

I still cant belive there is someone out there who has convinced themselves that straight men use Grindr. Astounding.

Anyway, get rid OP and move on to better things.

MarrymeTomHardy · 17/03/2022 08:45

@Calandor

He's likely Bi which is fine.

But he's also a cheat and a liar which is not fine.

Leave him.

This

crazeekat · 17/03/2022 09:00

Hey op, listen can't offer more advice than what u have had but just to know I really feel for u and wish u luck working ur way thru it all in the coming weeks and months, u deserve so much better.

KosherDill · 17/03/2022 09:06

@SpacePotato

You don't need answers to why he did it. He did it, that's all that matters. Try to put your focus and energy on getting yourself somewhere else to live.