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Original poster

Don't understand affairs

138 replies

diploc · 16/03/2022 11:17

Having read recently on these boards about the terrible upset affairs cause, I was thinking - are a lot of affairs really just about fantasy?
Rather than being in love with the other person, could an AP really in actual fact be in love with the idea of an idealised love?

OP posts:
OhMygodddd · 16/03/2022 12:31

I don’t think it works like that. Normally it’s emotions that start an affair then leads to a physical one.

Hiddenvoice · 16/03/2022 12:35

I think a lot of people do fantasise about the excitement it could bring to their lives but I agree with pp.
A lot of affairs start with an emotional connection, even just being friends and confiding in each other. This creates a strong bond which can lead to a more physical relationship.

newtothisworld · 16/03/2022 12:40

I've been having what you could probably call an emotional affair for a few months. I'm certain for him it's pure fantasy, he has no feelings for me whatsoever other than sexually.
In fact claims he's happy with his gf.

dogsandall · 16/03/2022 12:52

@newtothisworld

I've been having what you could probably call an emotional affair for a few months. I'm certain for him it's pure fantasy, he has no feelings for me whatsoever other than sexually. In fact claims he's happy with his gf.
Why are you having it then ?
ClariceQuiff · 16/03/2022 12:54

Some people chase the excitement of a new relationship. They want the adrenaline rush.

hereforthetea · 16/03/2022 12:58

Nothing about wanting 'excitemen't for me. I fell back in love with someone.

Crikeyalmighty · 16/03/2022 13:05

I think there a multitude of reasons— sometimes it’s about feelings for ‘that specific person’ but sometimes as others have said people want the adrenaline rush- the feeling of ‘being in love /newness’ that can be hard to sustain in long term relationships and it’s less about the person than the underlying ‘rush’

ravenmum · 16/03/2022 13:08

Some aren't in love at all, they just fancy a shag. Others have been feeling miserable and are delighted to have a bit of fun in their life. Others are in love with someone they've really connected with. Some see their AP as a wonderful hero/heroine offering a route out of marriage. Others love being idolised as it improves their self-esteem. Etc etc.

Original poster
diploc · 16/03/2022 13:10

Is it that the AP partner is seen as 'better' than the current partner?

OP posts:
Orgasmagorical · 16/03/2022 13:10

Attention.

hereforthetea · 16/03/2022 13:18

@diploc

Is it that the AP partner is seen as 'better' than the current partner?
No, I don't think it is.
ravenmum · 16/03/2022 13:18

@diploc

Is it that the AP partner is seen as 'better' than the current partner?
In every single affair? No, they are all different. But in many cases, the cheat has lost their connection with their partner, so obviously the new person seems more interesting. And in many cases, once the affair has started, they start looking for reasons to "justify" their affair. "My old partner is horrible" is quite a popular reason, even if they didn't think anything like that until the affair began.

Why are you asking?

newtothisworld · 16/03/2022 13:22

@dogsandall as others have mentioned it gives us both an adrenaline rush. I'm under no illusions that he's going to leave his gf or even cares for me, but when we talk I love the feeling it gives me and it has boosted my confidence no end.

RiaG91 · 16/03/2022 13:26

I think that there's a bit more to it for some people.

I'd agree that for Some people it might just be about the high from the secrecy that's required which makes it exciting. But for others I think that a bond is developed and this can turn into something more - even when there was no intention at the outset.

Oblomov22 · 16/03/2022 13:29

I'm always surprised what morals people lack. On MN it's rife. Only a few of my friends haven't had an affair. It's not something I would ever do. It makes me feel uncomfortable just thinking about. I don't get the appeal.

DivorcedAndDelighted · 16/03/2022 13:31

I think often it's a way out of an unhappy relationship. It can be so hard to end things - look on this board, there's never a right way. If there's no affair, the person who leaves is often pilloried for abandoning their spouse. Their friends and family may try to talk them out of it. Maybe an affair is a way of committing to making that change, forcing the end of the relationship, in a way that can't be undone. I've never had one 🤷‍♀️ but can recall that feeling of wishing my then husband would have an affair so I'd have "permission" to end things, because so often your own unhappiness isn't considered worth upsetting the family for. Well, I think maybe that can work the other way too, eg "I didn't want to break up the family but I couldn't help myself".

DarkShade · 16/03/2022 13:33

Not everyone is cut out for monogamy and we live in a society that heavily pushed got monogamy. Also, we live in a society that encourages one or two long term relationships rather than many short term relationships, so it's difficult to leave when you're no longer feeling it.

Original poster
diploc · 16/03/2022 13:33

I'm asking @ravenmum because I've never had an affair and can't see myself ever having an affair, whether while in a relationship, or as a single woman with a married man.
I'm not approaching that from any moral high-ground or whatever. Because I can't understand why people would put themselves through what, to me, would be bloody awful torture, I wondered if it's more about people's need for love in itself, rather than need for another particular person.
Always striving for a 'better' kind of love?

OP posts:
MoonOnASpoon · 16/03/2022 13:40

I could have had one... I was very unhappy with my then DP and knew I wanted to leave him, but I was waiting until the DC were old enough to cope with being alone with him (as he did v little childcare and had v little clue). I was v attracted to the dad of a family we were friends with, and said dad was a serial adulterer and flirted with me shamelessly. The fact that he'd shag anything with a pulse put me off, and so did the idea of doing that to his wife, who was also my friend, and the thought of it becoming public and upsetting all our DC. But having been in that situation I can totally see how it happens. If you're sure you won't get caught, if your relationship is bad, and if there's chemistry... very easy to cross the line I would think.

MoonOnASpoon · 16/03/2022 13:44

Having said that I don't get single women having affairs with married men with kids. That's a shitty thing to do to his wife & kids and also to yourself - you're just feeding his ego and/or bagging yourself a cheat.

But I can see how it happens when everyone involved is in a crap relationship they just want out of.

SartresSoul · 16/03/2022 13:54

Depends on the person and situation. Some people are serial shaggers who can’t keep it in their pants so I doubt they fall in love with every person they’re shagging. Some will fall for someone before they start sleeping with them. Others will do it for attention because their spouse/long term partner has been neglecting them or just because they’re unhappy and lonely but feel trapped in the relationship due to kids, finances etc. I think some people just like the thrill and excitement. Lots of reasons why people cheat.

momtoboys · 16/03/2022 13:54

As a young, single girl I became involved with an older, married man. I fell deeply in love and so did he. At no time did I ever think he would leave his wife for me. I don't know why but I guess instinctively I knew it wouldn't happen. We never discussed it We just lived our life as though that part of his life didn't exist. I stayed with him for years(11 to be exact) until I met the man who would become my husband. Even though I loved the man who I would marry, the breakup was grueling. But to answer your question, I think there are not too many people who can resist that heady falling in love feeling. The first kiss. I still remember it.

thenewduchessoflapland · 16/03/2022 14:00

@diploc

Is it that the AP partner is seen as 'better' than the current partner?

Yes and no.

An affair partner is never any better than the wife/girlfriend/partner.Only the person who's having the affair thinks that.

From what I see here on mumsnet when women become the victim of an affair it's very often a work colleague/someone the man has met via work and they are usually younger and/or don't have children.

It seems that men fail to take into account that when they create a family with their long term partners things change,their partners body often changes,their priorities change,their needs and expectations change.

The cheating husbands decide they want to go back to a time pre children so selfishly decide to find themselves a replacement to sleep with behind the wife's/partners back and usually feed the AP a pack of lies full of the tired usual cliches

hereforthetea · 16/03/2022 14:05

@thenewduchessoflapland That's a very simplistic view of men who have affairs. Not all men are only interested in carefree childless women with a hot bodies. Maybe it's that way for some, but certainly not all. It's nothing about their wives becoming lumpy mothers who neglect their husbands.

Shiteshow100 · 16/03/2022 14:08

Ive never had an affair but I can imagine it's more a need being filled that the partner isn't doing either physically or emotional. For me it would be an emotional need rather than physical.