Don't understand affairs

[diploc]

Having read recently on these boards about the terrible upset affairs cause, I was thinking - are a lot of affairs really just about fantasy?
Rather than being in love with the other person, could an AP really in actual fact be in love with the idea of an idealised love?

Very similar story here @Googlecanthelpme - it was definitely about the excitement (he said so himself), but there were deeper reasons why he was craving excitement; his mother's recent death being a huge factor, but also his upbringing, lack of self-esteem and other things.

Name changed.

Until a few years ago I would have said I didn’t understand affairs either. At least, not when people have broadly happy, functional marriages and yet, are still unfaithful. Why risk everything, particularly when kids are involved?

On a basic level, I still think that. However, a few years ago I became very attracted to someone, and the feelings were clearly mutual. We’re both married with kids. As our friendship grew, so did the attraction. We’ve had to try very, very hard not to let anything ‘happen’ - neither of us are going to ruin our families. But the feelings are there. As a friend, I really enjoy his company…on a primal level, I would love to go to bed with him . This isn’t going to happen, as it would be one almighty mess that would ruin people’s lives. But if I was unhappy in my marriage, less self aware, or even just plain weak willed - it could have done.

So for me, I understand how affairs can happen, purely based on physical attraction. I’ve managed to control my own situation…but I can see how it happens, unfortunately.

@diploc

I'm asking *@ravenmum* because I've never had an affair and can't see myself ever having an affair, whether while in a relationship, or as a single woman with a married man. I'm not approaching that from any moral high-ground or whatever. Because I can't understand why people would put themselves through what, to me, would be bloody awful torture, I wondered if it's more about people's need for love in itself, rather than need for another particular person. Always striving for a 'better' kind of love?

From my experience and limited knowledge it varies from person to person

My main points
Two people get together, it's the glittering sparkle of a fresh new relationship.
Then after a while
People disagree
Start to not communicate with each other as much
The novelty of the freshness starts to face
One side or the other does not put as much effort into the relationship as they used to
Possibly other factors too that lead to the beginning of a break down of the relationship or at least straining of it.

Then, along comes x and is charming, sweet, offers complements, listens and chats, offers different perspectives and experiences. Then after a while the ideas of what if, or the renewed sense of Machiavellian passion that could be had etc.

Then it either stays as fantasy, / emotional affair. Or it then becomes a secret affair.

*fade

@Vistasister

Name changed.

Until a few years ago I would have said I didn’t understand affairs either. At least, not when people have broadly happy, functional marriages and yet, are still unfaithful. Why risk everything, particularly when kids are involved?

On a basic level, I still think that. However, a few years ago I became very attracted to someone, and the feelings were clearly mutual. We’re both married with kids. As our friendship grew, so did the attraction. We’ve had to try very, very hard not to let anything ‘happen’ - neither of us are going to ruin our families. But the feelings are there. As a friend, I really enjoy his company…on a primal level, I would love to go to bed with him . This isn’t going to happen, as it would be one almighty mess that would ruin people’s lives. But if I was unhappy in my marriage, less self aware, or even just plain weak willed - it could have done.

So for me, I understand how affairs can happen, purely based on physical attraction. I’ve managed to control my own situation…but I can see how it happens, unfortunately.

That's the pickle, it's a slippery slope.

Life isn't black and white. I had one to get out of a very unhappy marriage. Unfortunately the man I had an affair with turned out to be a complete cunt. And I got pregnant. My affair caused me to have a complete mental breakdown. I'm not the type of person to have an affair, I'd been with my husband since I was 16 and the affair started at 27. But he blackmailed me into carrying it on for a long time.

@Gretchencre

It must be very stressful having an affair and constantly looking over your shoulder. I'm the sort of very unlucky person what would be seen by someone probably the first time I met an AP in the park or wherever AP partners meet.

It depends on how you build a cover story and how detailed you both cover your tracks so to speak.

@Oblomov22

I'm always surprised what morals people lack. On MN it's rife. Only a few of my friends haven't had an affair. It's not something I would ever do. It makes me feel uncomfortable just thinking about. I don't get the appeal.

Don't you think its very frequency is indicative of something more going on than bad morals? Are all your friends terrible people? I doubt it.

@Hawkins001 - slippery indeed, but I cling hard to stay strong! Seriously though, I always remind myself of what I’d be risking, and avoid ‘dangerous’ situations with him. It would be impossible to cut him out of my life completely before anyone suggests that, even though in some ways it would make my life easier.

I can’t pretend I don’t still ‘want’ him - I do, but want my husband and children’s happiness more. I’m hoping, like a teenage crush, my feelings will fade over time.

@Onthedunes

The majority of people who have affairs are stupid people.

The majority of people who stay with cheaters are scared people.

A mismatch of emotional intellegence appears to be the common denominator.

I know three people who have had affairs and all are amongst the most intelligent, attractive and interesting people you could meet. None of these affairs were casual shags but a case of falling deeply in love with someone else who 'got' them in a way their spouse didn't (or where the marriage had become purely a parenting one).

I also think, on a pseudo-scientific level, decades of monogamy might not be entirely ‘natural’ for us. The fact this happened to me as I’m in the throes of peri-menopause is probably relevant - it might be my body’s last ditch attempt to mate and create offspring. However, we’re more than walking bundles of hormones - we control masses of primitive urges! - so we can control these types of situations.

[quote Vistasister]@Hawkins001 - slippery indeed, but I cling hard to stay strong! Seriously though, I always remind myself of what I’d be risking, and avoid ‘dangerous’ situations with him. It would be impossible to cut him out of my life completely before anyone suggests that, even though in some ways it would make my life easier.

I can’t pretend I don’t still ‘want’ him - I do, but want my husband and children’s happiness more. I’m hoping, like a teenage crush, my feelings will fade over time.[/quote]
The thing with affairs is, can you cover all tracks if you have one,
E.g. No messages on phones, no using credit cards, being able to cover hours at x, making sure it all fits if anyone was to check, if necessary changing cars from e.g. Car park ect if it's all planned like a military operations and the secrecy from both parties kept, then it's achievable.

[quote Vistasister]@Hawkins001 - slippery indeed, but I cling hard to stay strong! Seriously though, I always remind myself of what I’d be risking, and avoid ‘dangerous’ situations with him. It would be impossible to cut him out of my life completely before anyone suggests that, even though in some ways it would make my life easier.

I can’t pretend I don’t still ‘want’ him - I do, but want my husband and children’s happiness more. I’m hoping, like a teenage crush, my feelings will fade over time.[/quote]
I admire your resolve and in many ways wish I had resisted. But when it was good, I never ever felt anything like it, even if the price I paid - and more to the point my ex husband paid - was enormous.

I think it's often very simple: good sex is very addictive and intoxicating.

I know three people who have had affairs and all are amongst the most intelligent, attractive and interesting people you could meet. None of these affairs were casual shags but a case of falling deeply in love with someone else who 'got' them in a way their spouse didn't (or where the marriage had become purely a parenting one)

Still laking in emotional intellengence, shouldn't have married in the first place and had children.

Clearly those children were as disposable as the partner.

lacking

@theleafandnotthetree - thank you, though I really don’t consider myself some sort of moral wonder! If either of us were less happy in our marriages, or if our circumstances were different it might have happened. Part of me wishes we could run off to a hotel for a night just to get it out of our systems and no-one would ever know, but that’s obviously totally misguided in reality!

Men are genetically hardwired to have sex with more than one female if they are able to do so, hence affairs, when they get an opportunity, can be difficult to resist.
Women can also be impelled to have an affiar with someone whom their instincts inform them may provide a better genetic contribution to a pregnancy even though they have no conscious intention to conceive - again driven by genetic imperatives.

@Nyman1962

Men are genetically hardwired to have sex with more than one female if they are able to do so, hence affairs, when they get an opportunity, can be difficult to resist. Women can also be impelled to have an affiar with someone whom their instincts inform them may provide a better genetic contribution to a pregnancy even though they have no conscious intention to conceive - again driven by genetic imperatives.

Sometimes I don't think it's all just about biology, your perspectives read as more of a textbook definition as to why they happen, I think for both sides, the psychological perspectives can also play a big part.

Sometimes I don't think it's all just about biology

I agree, we can dismiss/overcome biology - just that these are the reasons which push us to consider non-monogamy.

@Hawkins001 But you can't control your AP, who might be less careful, accidentally give you an STD or even decide to tell people. You can't guarantee that you will never make a mistake (receipt in pocket, dp unexpectedly phoning work when you are supposedly there, whatever). And the affair will change you - even if it is just a slight change in your sexual preferences or the discovery of a new author, your partner may well notice those changes and guess. By entering into an affair, you are always taking a risk. That risk might just be your marriage ending. Or it might involve your partner becoming seriously mentally ill, or your children needing counselling or cutting off contact with you. Or all of the above.

[quote ravenmum]@Hawkins001 But you can't control your AP, who might be less careful, accidentally give you an STD or even decide to tell people. You can't guarantee that you will never make a mistake (receipt in pocket, dp unexpectedly phoning work when you are supposedly there, whatever). And the affair will change you - even if it is just a slight change in your sexual preferences or the discovery of a new author, your partner may well notice those changes and guess. By entering into an affair, you are always taking a risk. That risk might just be your marriage ending. Or it might involve your partner becoming seriously mentally ill, or your children needing counselling or cutting off contact with you. Or all of the above.[/quote]
They are all excellent points to consider when planning if to have an affair.

@Nyman1962

Sometimes I don't think it's all just about biology

I agree, we can dismiss/overcome biology - just that these are the reasons which push us to consider non-monogamy.

Fair points

@Vistasister

I also think, on a pseudo-scientific level, decades of monogamy might not be entirely ‘natural’ for us. The fact this happened to me as I’m in the throes of peri-menopause is probably relevant - it might be my body’s last ditch attempt to mate and create offspring. However, we’re more than walking bundles of hormones - we control masses of primitive urges! - so we can control these types of situations.

Exact same here. I lost my mind over a younger guy at work. Nothing happened but I went through a year of dramatic change, losing weight etc.

I'm over it now, I feel as if a hurricane blew through my house but I've finally managed to slam the door shut.

I'm not peri any more, I'm properly menopausal. Can't see me twatting about like that again, it was fun though.

I couldnt and haven't done it, even though me and ExH didn't have sex for 9mths before we split amicably. I don't understand it, if you want to be with someone else, finish with your current partner first, before embarking on a new relationship.