Don't understand affairs

[diploc]

Having read recently on these boards about the terrible upset affairs cause, I was thinking - are a lot of affairs really just about fantasy?
Rather than being in love with the other person, could an AP really in actual fact be in love with the idea of an idealised love?

IMO there are generally two types of affairs:

Those who seek excitement/are addicted to sex/get off on the thought of having sex with someone other than their long term partner/need their ego massaging (often of a narcissistic personality type).

Usually the type married men become involved in - it's about proving to themselves they're still "got it" and can still attract a woman. Often happens whilst in the midst of a midlife crisis and usually done whilst wanting to keep it a secret so using a secret identity/second phone.
They usually still want the "happy home life" and wife & kids scenario but are willing to risk it for the thrill. They may or may not be found out depending how careful they are but will try to get the wife to stay as they don't want to lose that comfort blanket and can't really be arsed starting again with someone else.

Then there's the emotional affair (and I would say it's my experience that this is mostly the type women undertake) where one partner is feeling devalued/ignored by their partner or that things have become "stale" in their relationship and then becomes embroiled with someone who shows them a bit of attention or who they feel they have "a connection" with. IMO This type of affair is more likely to end in the affair partner leaving their dh/dw to start a new life as they don't feel there's as much to lose.

Of course these are generalisations and there are mixes of both these scenarios but all the affairs I know of seem to fall into one of these two.

@timestheyarechanging

I couldnt and haven't done it, even though me and ExH didn't have sex for 9mths before we split amicably. I don't understand it, if you want to be with someone else, finish with your current partner first, before embarking on a new relationship.

With some situations, it's not always as easy.

@timestheyarechanging

I couldnt and haven't done it, even though me and ExH didn't have sex for 9mths before we split amicably. I don't understand it, if you want to be with someone else, finish with your current partner first, before embarking on a new relationship.

But if you have children it's really difficult. Breaking up isn't just not living with your partner, it means not seeing your children for half the time (or if you're a man, maybe three nights every two weeks). If you're a woman who took time off work for those children, it might mean losing your house. Also, these people might love their partners, but still feel the need for something else. It's very possible to love someone and like your life but also want to date other people. Obviously it doesn't make it right to lie to your partner, but neither is it so straightforward.

Boredom of routine, neglect or a feeling of being used ; evident from friends/colleagues that have admitted to it.

For me it was my partner being incredibly emotionally abusive and I'd tried to end the relationship and he basically wouldn't. I was v damaged and someone I vaguely knew propositioned me and was nice to me albeit and I ended up having a brief affair. I didn't really fancy him or like him and the sex was garbage.

@newtothisworld

I've been having what you could probably call an emotional affair for a few months. I'm certain for him it's pure fantasy, he has no feelings for me whatsoever other than sexually. In fact claims he's happy with his gf.

Well stop then fgs!

if you want to be with someone else, finish with your current partner first, before embarking on a new relationship
It's also a huge risk that you don't know is going to pay off. Before I found out about the affair, when all I knew was that my exh was being a real shit to me, I asked if he wanted to break up, and he was clearly torn but eventually said no. In the end, I had to make the decision - and he didn't want to leave even then! He didn't want to make such a huge change - the routines, the life he'd known for more than 20 years. Turns out he was right to see it as a big risk - they never lived together and his OW cheated on him and left after a couple of years. Few people would make such a big decision based on the mere hope that they might get on with another potential partner.

@MoonOnASpoon

Having said that I don't get single women having affairs with married men with kids. That's a shitty thing to do to his wife & kids and also to yourself - you're just feeding his ego and/or bagging yourself a cheat.

But I can see how it happens when everyone involved is in a crap relationship they just want out of.

Because you hold all of the cards

@DarkShade @Hawkins001
I appreciate and understand what you're saying but surely if you've lost feelings for your husband, it's better for everyone to split and THEN move on with a different partner. I was with my exH for 21 years. We split amicably. I had met someone I was attracted to (divorced) but nothing happened. We split, children were 6 and 11. I went back to working full time after having worked part time since my first was born. I think I just had too much respect and fondness for my ExH to not cheat on him. I wouldn't have wanted him to do it to me. I did end up with the guy six weeks after I split with ExH and it was the worst decision of my life! I'm so pleased I didn't cheat on my husband to be with him.

The close proximity of work colleagues can turn into an intimate relationship. This is why people should be aware of boundaries. Quite obviously people are not because the office fling even a one night at works events is commonplace.

Then there are others who want to steal someone's partner.
I've had 2 women pop back into my life who have quite plainly said they want me to leave my current wife and take up with them.
One even said, 'I always get what I want'. People can be quite duplicitous when they want to be.

I think there are lots of reasons for affairs. Sometimes it's all about sex or attention, sometimes it's an escape from an otherwise miserable life, sometimes it's an ego boost, sometimes it's just because they can.

I think far more often than anyone on these boards wants to admit, it's good people making poor decisions, getting in deeper than they intended, but once it's done it's done and there's no way to change that. Coming clean will only hurt their spouse and probably their children, while it's a secret no one gets hurt. In fact often having affair just makes the guilty party miserable while they're trapped in a world where they're trying not to make everyone else unhappy IME.

Especially if the original attraction came at a time when they were struggling with something like stress or bereavement, things do "just happen".

Not always and nasty serial philanders definitely exist, but the vast majority of people are basically good and the same applies to the majority of adulterers.

I wouldn't have thought so when I was young and idealistic but experience has told me that right and wrong is rarely back and white

[quote newtothisworld]@dogsandall as others have mentioned it gives us both an adrenaline rush. I'm under no illusions that he's going to leave his gf or even cares for me, but when we talk I love the feeling it gives me and it has boosted my confidence no end.
[/quote]
Boosted your confidence that a bloke with a girlfriend used your conversations as wank material? That's a very low bar tbh.

You could get that confidence boost from a bloke who isn't in a relationship, you know? Just a thought.

My STBX told me that he found it nice to be told he was desirable and still attractive. And it was exciting . It sent him into a spiral of shit behaviour that I found out about.
Because of the years invested , I did try counselling with him . I realised that he was incapable of ever tellin g the truth . And that was the deal breaker .The thoughts of all the lies that he told in order to keep both his family life and his cheap thrills . How do you ever trust him again ? So , despite his genuine remorse and desperate pleas , I kicked him out . Ironically , as it was all fantasy and bullshit , he is left with nothing . Wonder if he thinks it was worth it ?

It’s a good question that I had to answer and understand myself a few years ago so I learned about the subject.

Affairs begin with a blossoming friendship formed at work or a hobby group or friend group etc.. This new friendship is deemed initially in the minds of the two people involved to be innocent. They reason that they’re good people who, despite being attracted to each other, would not cross lines into an affair. Neither of the people involved were necessarily previously aware of being unhappy in their existing relationship/marriage.

As the new friendship grows, subtle lines gradually begin to be crossed. They start to confide in one another, for example. I imagine it a bit like a scale slowly tipping in favour of the affair partner, as the affair friendship/relationship develops, the brain is flooded with ‘feel good’ chemicals generated by the excitement of the new friendship and the attention and flattery that is being received. So the scale slowly tips in favour of the affair partner.

A consequence of this is that the existing relationship/marriage begins to look far less appealing compared to the new, exciting and flourishing friendship.

The new friendship eventually becomes physical. Something called cognitive dissonance occurs (human beings have a need to justify their behaviour; ‘I’m a good person and I wouldn’t need to have an affair if I was happy in my current relationship; my current relationship is lacking.’ This is obviously in some cases a fact, but from what I learned, it isn’t always a factor and previously happy or content people can slide into affairs. This is why for some, choosing between their committed relationship and the new one is a dilemma and they vacillate).

Once the affair is in full, physical and emotional swing, the existing relationship/marriage is viewed extremely negatively in comparison to the affair partner relationship. The spouse/existing partner becomes the ‘bad person’ and that relationship highly problematic. It pales in comparison to the new one. This is due to cognitive dissonance, as I understand it.

That is my understanding of how affairs happen. Understanding that people gradually slip into these situations was very helpful to me at one point in my life. Understanding that it wasn’t necessarily something that I had done that had caused this to happen, helped.

There are loads of great educational videos on YouTube about it. I found Affair Recovery and Marriage Helper helped me understand how and why this happens.

@ravenmum
I agree, but things can't be right in a relationship if one partner decides to have an affair. The practicalities regarding finances and children can be sorted. I had to go back to working full time, eventually sold the family home when my kids were 15 and 20. My ExH and I have the same friendship group as we got together at 18. That was (and is) hard, but we remained amicable so going to get togethers were sorted out between ourselves. He's still close to my parents and I was to to his before she sadly passed away 2 years ago.

I agree with a PP, I'm sure a big part of it is you always see AP at their best and you're not arguing about washing up or who's turn it is to put the kids to bed. Even someone who isn't objectively as attractive as your other half will provide escapism from the monotony of day to day life.

And no-one ever intends to get caught so they're not risking anything

@Onthedunes

I know three people who have had affairs and all are amongst the most intelligent, attractive and interesting people you could meet. None of these affairs were casual shags but a case of falling deeply in love with someone else who 'got' them in a way their spouse didn't (or where the marriage had become purely a parenting one)

Still laking in emotional intellengence, shouldn't have married in the first place and had children.

Clearly those children were as disposable as the partner.

What a ridiculous comment.

People do not ' dispose' of their children when marriages fail.

@theleafandnotthetree

No actually I don't. It is morals. We all know it's wrong. We all know you are supposed to leave someone, if you don't want to be with them, before you start with someone new. We all know that. There simply isn't any justification for it. At all.

Or have you heard of a good justification? That I haven't been told?

[quote Oblomov22]@theleafandnotthetree

No actually I don't. It is morals. We all know it's wrong. We all know you are supposed to leave someone, if you don't want to be with them, before you start with someone new. We all know that. There simply isn't any justification for it. At all.

Or have you heard of a good justification? That I haven't been told? [/quote]
No one's justifying it, but accepting that it happens sometimes without evil intent.

If most of your friends have had affairs, how do you reconcile being friends with people with such low morals?

I honestly don't think anyone can say they would never have an affair with complete certainty.

There's a perfect storm of circumstances that makes us all vulnerable. High pressure working environment, attractive colleague who understands the issues in a way that no one else does, maybe a bereavement that concides with the spouse's mother being ill so the care required at home to deal with the bereavement isn't as available or spouse has a new hobby that means they're not always "there" when needed. Maybe some financial pressures or children issues that just make homelife really hard... Add in a splash of alcohol and/or a trip away and suddenly people who would never dream of it are in it up to their necks.

A lot of people who have affairs look back and can't quite believe it was them.

Who said anything about evil intent?
And yes I have reconciled it, thanks! I can't control what people have done in their past. Plus I've made other mistakes I'm not proud of.

I disagree with the certainty too. I've read that on other threads. I don't agree. I know myself. I know I might be tempted to do certain things. But an affair? No. Never. It goes against everything I am, everything I believe. I feel very strongly about it. I can say with almost certainty.

[quote Oblomov22]@theleafandnotthetree

No actually I don't. It is morals. We all know it's wrong. We all know you are supposed to leave someone, if you don't want to be with them, before you start with someone new. We all know that. There simply isn't any justification for it. At all.

Or have you heard of a good justification? That I haven't been told? [/quote]
I think that's incredibly simplistic.

Hurting someone unnecessarily is against my personal moral code, sure, but you'll also hurt someone by ditching them in favour of someone else, whether you're 'supposed to' or not.

I mean, you're also 'supposed to' pair off monogamously for life, but that doesn't happen for an awful lot of people, and the mechanics of how they remove themselves from one relationship and move on to another (or don't move on to another) can also be pretty messy and hurtful.

@DetailMouse

Or, even if all those things do happen. You still have a moment. A moment to decide. You make a choice. You can decide no, even then, and to do the right thing and talk, address the core issue, and ultimately split, if that's the right thing, rather than decide to cheat. We all have that choice.

I read an article once going through the different types of affair and I think I've seen some amongst my friendship group which fit the different patterns. I'm trying to remember them all.

1. Adrenaline junkie - someone who is just bored in their "normal" life and wants a bit of a high but will never normally leave their marriage and if they do are very likely to cheat again.

2. Exit affair. Someone who is unhappy in their relationship but for various reasons feels unable to leave and uses the affair to give them a final push.

3. Caretaker affair. Apparently very common - where one partner in a long term relationship is having to take on a huge burden of care for the other, perhaps due to ill health or addiction and has an affair just as a way of getting a break and letting themselves feel looked after.

4. Revenge affairs - often the cheating partner wants their other half to find out on some level and wants to hurt them. Or maybe they don't - I knew someone ages ago who deliberately slept with her partner's best friend because she "wanted to keep something in reserve" if she ever needed to hurt him. I think she was angry with him about a lot of things and there were a lot of trust issues in the relationship.

5. Self discovery affair/mid life crisis affair/coming out affair. Someone who is unhappy in their identity/sense of self and goes looking for an affair as a space to try and be someone else. The spouse has done nothing wrong and the issues aren't in the marriage - it's a broader unhappiness. Apparently these are amongst the most difficult to get over from.

There were some others as well - entitlement affair, accidental affair - but I don't remember the details. It was an interest article tho and it's stayed with me.