Don't understand affairs

[diploc]

Having read recently on these boards about the terrible upset affairs cause, I was thinking - are a lot of affairs really just about fantasy?
Rather than being in love with the other person, could an AP really in actual fact be in love with the idea of an idealised love?

Always fascinated by those men who choose younger versions of the wife to have an affair with. Trying to reclaim their own youth perhaps.

@DarkShade

Not everyone is cut out for monogamy and we live in a society that heavily pushed got monogamy. Also, we live in a society that encourages one or two long term relationships rather than many short term relationships, so it's difficult to leave when you're no longer feeling it.

There is a lot of truth to this, I think.

@diploc

I'm asking *@ravenmum* because I've never had an affair and can't see myself ever having an affair, whether while in a relationship, or as a single woman with a married man. I'm not approaching that from any moral high-ground or whatever. Because I can't understand why people would put themselves through what, to me, would be bloody awful torture, I wondered if it's more about people's need for love in itself, rather than need for another particular person. Always striving for a 'better' kind of love?

My exh couldn't see himself having an affair, either. He told his AP that he couldn't believe he was in that situation. But when I found out about the affair, I also found a couple of other proto-affairs - heavy flirting, overly familiar emails, telling other women he'd never felt a connection like that before, possibly more - I didn't find out all the details. It seemed to have been a gradual build-up, in any case. He was working away from home and presumably feeling bored/lonely. And he has quite low self-esteem so craves attention from new people. I was too familiar for it to mean anything much any more to him when I praised his looks or whatever.

You think it's torture for the people having the affair? To me it came across as if they were having a great time.

I doubt people that have affairs are tortured about it as a rule - if that was the case they wouldn't do it. No one is holding a gun to your head when you choose whether or not to have an affair.

Depends on the circumstances of the affair and why you are doing it @ravenmum

Yes, it can be torture and fantastic at the same time.

During my affair I hit the lowest of lows, my mental health had never been so bad because I couldn't see a happy way out of my situation but the highs were very high.

It's a complicated business.

@hereforthetea

Depends on the circumstances of the affair and why you are doing it *@ravenmum*

Yes, it can be torture and fantastic at the same time.

During my affair I hit the lowest of lows, my mental health had never been so bad because I couldn't see a happy way out of my situation but the highs were very high.

It's a complicated business.

I agree, but was just surprised at the idea that you'd avoid having an affair because it must generally be horrible. I have one friend who really suffered from guilt and feeling inferior due to her own affair, but even she did it because it was great in many ways. She stayed with the AP for a while after her marriage fell apart, and I thought they made a much better couple. He had to move abroad in the end and they were both very sad.

It must be very stressful having an affair and constantly looking over your shoulder. I'm the sort of very unlucky person what would be seen by someone probably the first time I met an AP in the park or wherever AP partners meet.

Some people find it exciting. My exh invited his AP to our house for a bbq.

@ravenmum

Some people find it exciting. My exh invited his AP to our house for a bbq.

That's awful. Was there no sign?

I think that some people have affairs as a way of keeping going in their marriage/primary relationship. They don't want to end it for whatever reason either they still love their spouse but aren't getting what they need from the marriage, or they want to stay for the children, or for some other reason so an affair is a type of 'spoonful of sugar' that makes life bearable in difficult circumstances, with no notion of ever ending the primary relationship.

@hereforthetea

Depends on the circumstances of the affair and why you are doing it *@ravenmum*

Yes, it can be torture and fantastic at the same time.

During my affair I hit the lowest of lows, my mental health had never been so bad because I couldn't see a happy way out of my situation but the highs were very high.

It's a complicated business.

This is so true. Our affair began as I was about to separate from my husband, we'd been (continue to be) unhappy for a long time. The highs I experienced in those early days were what got me through the misery of a looming separation. However we did meet up once and I hit rock bottom for a few weeks afterwards. The guilt I felt was terrible and yet I craved more.

His gf is much, much younger and far more attractive than me btw so I'm sure he definitely doesn't think I am better than her!

The majority of people who have affairs are stupid people.

The majority of people who stay with cheaters are scared people.

A mismatch of emotional intellegence appears to be the common denominator.

I can't speak for everyone, but for me I fell for someone without meaning to. We were friends, we began supporting each other as we're going through similar hard times and both our partners at the time didn't care.
We admitted our feelings to each other and then broke off our relationships before we got together. So it wasn't a sordid affair of sorts, but definitely an emotional one.

There are probably as many reasons for having affairs as there are affairs! Biologists would probably point out that most primate species are not monogamous, and that includes humans.
When I was a junior doctor, half the hospital staff seemed to be shagging the other half. I suspect it was a toxic mixture of opportunity (on call bedrooms), stress relief, adrenaline, and long hours on resident call away from partners (80 to 120 hour weeks were the norm in those days). Plus those were the days of the pill, post hippy free love, pre HIV - those of us who came of age in the 70s needed a reason not to have an affair.
I think the zeitgeist has changed, and conventional morality now has gone back to the traditional disapproval of affairs as a major betrayal, rather than no big deal.

I think there’s certainly an fantasy element. Especially because with a “secret” relationship, you don’t have to deal with day to day boring normal relationship things.

My ex admitted that his emotional affair partner was an ego boost. Unfortunately it was the age old tale, we’d just had a baby and I wasn’t making HIM “feel special” while he sat on his arse and left me to do all the work. I definitely think for a lot of people they use it as an escape from reality.

Was there no sign?
He was acting weird, but his mum had died a few months before, so it made sense he was acting oddly.

I had a strictly emotional affair with a rocker from a well known band. I was unhappy in my marriage and exDH would not leave. This gorgeous, talented man suddenly walked into my life at a time when I was certainly not looking for it. I was realistic from the start about what I wanted out of it. He was totally willing to follow my cue. I don’t regret it or taking it any further. I have never been up to date with my peers and their musical tastes so I never cared less about the fact that he was headlining at Glastonbury etc. However, when I started checking his touring schedules and reading fan comments online to work out whether he was going to be around when he said he would be, I started to feel irritated with myself and I realised that I didn’t want anything long term. I also noticed his shortcomings and privately decided that I would be no happier with him than exDH.

It helped me move on from DH. I like emotional affairs because I don’t have to commit when I don’t want to. Now and again, a puppy eyed ex public school boy will fall into my lair and I will coax them a little like feral kittens for my amusement but to actually have an actual physical relationship with them is patently not for me.

Also, we live in a society that encourages one or two long term relationships rather than many short term relationships, so it's difficult to leave when you're no longer feeling it.

Oh god, you see this ALL THE TIME on MN. People who've been dating someone for six months and having issues are implored not to "give up at the first hurdle", told there's not necessarily anyone better out there, told they're shallow and fickle if they want to split up with someone...it's crazy! Dating someone a few times doesn't mean you need to stay with them forever! Neither does being with them for years.

@Onthedunes

The majority of people who have affairs are stupid people.

The majority of people who stay with cheaters are scared people.

A mismatch of emotional intellegence appears to be the common denominator.

I think that's not true as a general rule. I certainly don't think marital fidelity can be correlated with high intelligence.

There’s no one answer.

People have affairs for all sorts of reasons, well they end up having affairs for all sorts of reasons I should say.

People are complex and you can’t reduce it down to one reason why something happens.

I have been on the receiving end of an affair and I come to realise that he did it because he had incredibly low self esteem, had very little confidence in our relationship (because of his childhood - our relationship was actually fine) and was insecure in my feelings for him (again, based on his low sense of worth).

He had an affair because it made him feel better about himself, it boosted his ego, it let him live in this other little fantasy world where his insecurities didn’t cripple him.

All of that shit is the root cause of why he had an affair, it’s nowhere near as simple as saying he did it for the excitement.

Didn’t forgive him, I walked away immediately but I can look back and understand some of the deep reasons for his particular self sabotage.

Well it will be different things for different people. Lots of men (and women) actively look for affairs, its why married people dating sites are successful businesses.

Many, I think, just enjoy the escape from the daily grind of family life.
Its a space to go with AP in a hotel room and leave the real world behind and relax and enjoy yourself with someone easy and undemanding and who will be unrelentingly nice to you in that time together.

Or some are 'bored' with familiar sex with a familiar person and want the butterflies of meeting someone new and new exciting sex.

Some their partners have stopped wanting sex with them, or are no longer able to have sex, so they seek the sex with someone else.

Some will feel trapped in genuinely unhappy marriages (betting this affects more women than men just because women are more likely to be financially disadvantaged in a marriage)

Some just like shagging around.

Let’s face it most affairs are full of ‘you look amazing, what a lovely meal, I love this album , what gorgeous eyes you have ‘ - they are not full of ‘wtf have you not paid the phone bill— have you given the dog it’s worming tablets— did you sort the xxx, no I thought you did it’ kind of mundane shit that’s the daily norm in most long term live in relationships—

Every affair and it’s circumstances/reasons will be as unique as we all are. Impossible to apply a blanket theory to every circumstance.
Mine happened out of the blue, without looking for it or meaning for it to happen. No sob story about something missing in my life, no emotional backstory, no horrible marriage (it was just a bit meh, I guess). Just a colleague I was close friends with, had been for ages, but had never considered that way. Then one day they gave me a “look” and it was like a lightbulb went on. That night, a work social, with drink involved… and it started. I think it continued because… just because we could. It felt good, no one found out, we did it again. It was intoxicating. Some guilt got to me and I eventually called it off, decided to try to find what was missing in my own relationship. But we stayed friends, my relationship didn’t improve and I missed the AP… so it restarted and I exited my marriage. I didn’t go looking for it, it just happened, but it’s probably up there as one of the best things that ever happened to me. Very, very few people know it happened though, because

I don't think anyone sets out upon an affair with glee or relish

Pop on a married person's dating site - they are free for women to sign up - and you will soon see that there are a whole host of people setting out on affairs full of glee and relish.