Financial inequality in relationship

[emsmar]

Is it possible to ever be okay in a relationship when DP is fairly well off and you're not?

Currently live together in his place. Which we chose and he bought. I don't pay towards the mortgage but pay other household bills. I wasn't in the financial position at the time to get a mortgage or pay for anything other than some furniture.

I always thought at some point we'd end up married but it's off the table. It's just the way he is. I'd even thought maybe he's protecting his money so said what about a pre nup tnat obviously protects his interests and it's still not an option.

We're taking about moving into a house where I'd be on the mortgage, which is great! I'm in the position now that I can afford to pay into a mortgage. But what happens if it goes wrong? All the deposit would be his. If we split up in 5/6 years I'd probably not even have enough for a deposit of my own. Plus I'm getting older, is really struggle to get a mortgage myself.

I just feel really unsettled. He gets constant lump sums handed to him off family members. It's not his fault but sometimes I just wish he was poor, like me. 😂

I have a DC. He doesn't want children.

Poor sod has done nothing wrong. I'm just terrified for the future. He has life insurance taken out for me so if anything happens to him I can buy our home.

I don't earn a great deal so can't save a massive amount plus continue to pay for what I do already.

Pretty much if we split up tomorrow I'm homeless and on the poverty line and it's absolutely terrifying me. Can it work? I'm a nervous person but this is really hanging over my head.

Your not financially secure. What are your options? Can you retrain, get a better job? You need to expand your earning potential, don’t bank on him because he can leave you high and dry at any moment, not saying he will, but if someone better comes along or he decides to move to Africa, your screwed, so you need to be able to have lots of money saved just incase. Prepare for the worst, hope for the best

Also are you on the deeds of this property? You should still be on them even if your not in the mortgage. If your not on the deeds, it’s not your house.

Yeah my DC will be old enough to leave at home soon and/or make his way home from school. He does a lot of after school stuff so I shuttle him about a fair bit. A better paid job will be on the cards there.

I honestly don't think we will split up. But you never know! I need to feel secure in myself.

@OhMygodddd

Also are you on the deeds of this property? You should still be on them even if your not in the mortgage. If your not on the deeds, it’s not your house.

No! Not on the deeds. I'll look into that.

I don't want anything from him at all. Like I'm not looking to do him over. I just feel really depressed and anxious that if he left or we split I'd be homeless. Been together 8 years. It's a great relationship. Very laid back. This is the only thing that plays on my mind.

If he stops paying the life insurance you are stuffed. If he doesn’t will that to you , you are stuffed.
As there are no guarantees I think you need to house yourself, even if you buy a flat and rent it out, you need somewhere to house you and your child if the shit hits the fan.

I absolutely think these relationships can work, and I’ve seen it.

But PP is right that you need to be able to stand on your own two feet. So that means either talking to him about why marriage is important to you and going down that route, or earning enough that you can cover your and your DCs’ needs.

Your son and you are not secure here in his home; you are basically people who are staying there. Is this all you think you deserve from a relationship?. Just how low is your relationship bar here exactly?.

Re your comment:-
"He has life insurance taken out for me so if anything happens to him I can buy our home"

I would not be so sure about that either; you would also have to be reliant on the goodwill of his relations.

I would also think he made a deliberate decision to keep you off the mortgage and title deeds; its so that you have no claim in the event of separation. He wants his cake and eat it too.

It's not a position I would like to be in. None of us can foresee the future.
You only need to read on here about all the relationships people thought were rock solid for them only to turn to dust.
There is nothing wrong with wanting financial security, without it life can be very precarious.

This relationship is all in his favour; he has the vast, if not all, the power and control within it. You've been left with basically nothing here from him. As for your comment, "you don't want anything from him at all" well that is a really low bar here you've set for yourself as well as doing your own self a huge disservice.

These types of men sadly do not want to share and he's happy as he is. He has you around to cook and clean for him along with his various relations giving him money.

@AttilaTheMeerkat

Your son and you are not secure here in his home; you are basically people who are staying there. Is this all you think you deserve from a relationship?. Just how low is your relationship bar here exactly?.

Re your comment:-
"He has life insurance taken out for me so if anything happens to him I can buy our home"

I would not be so sure about that either; you would also have to be reliant on the goodwill of his relations.

I would also think he made a deliberate decision to keep you off the mortgage and title deeds; its so that you have no claim in the event of separation. He wants his cake and eat it too.

Yeah I've asked for it to be in my name. There is a lot of emailing back and forth trying to sort this.

He's not made his family aware of wishes so absolutely would be flying by the grace of them if anything bad happened.

Can I add when I met him and fell in love with him there was no money! The money has since appeared.

Yeah I believe that to be true about me not being on the deeds or mortgage. Obviously he was going to protect himself.

You don't think you'll split up, but what if he dies? You're not his NOK. Are you in his will?

@Justkeeppedaling

You don't think you'll split up, but what if he dies? You're not his NOK. Are you in his will?

I'm not NOK in any official capacity and no, he doesn't have a will.

What would you be doing about your housing and financial security if you weren’t in this relationship? If he doesn’t want to marry you at least he’s being upfront and not stringing you along with false promises.

He’s not going to add you to the deeds of his existing property that you live in, that’s just gifting you half his house I assume the PP was talking about making sure you’re on the deeds for the next house you move into where you’re also paying into the mortgage.

Ultimately this man isn’t responsible for ensuring your financial security. If you want more for yourself and your son then surely it’s up to you to provide that for yourself? I imagine your living costs may welll be lower than they would be if you didn’t have this man to live with and were renting?

Not trying to be mean but I’m a bit bemused about how you’re only worried about your financial future because this man won’t marry you and give you half his wealth/asset…what would you do if you were single? What would be your earning and housing strategy then? A relationship makes life easier of course in terms of sharing some costs but it’s not a personal finance strategy. If you want to be better off you need to earn more! I know that’s hard as a single parent but that’s sadly life, that’s why single parents are generally not swimming in money.

I’m just not sure what you’re expecting here, unless the crux of the matter is that you want this man to share half his assets so you have more money, without actually having to earn it yourself. That’d be great for you if he was keen but he isn’t so you have to do with that information what you will.

Where were you living before you started living together? What was your financial situation then? Do you have more or less disposable income? Has living with your DP made you financially worse off week by week/month by month.

I would also think he made a deliberate decision to keep you off the mortgage and title deeds; its so that you have no claim in the event of separation. He wants his cake and eat it too.

Of course he did. They’re his assets and he wants to keep them, he’s been entirely open about that. Isn’t that exactly the advice a woman would get on here if she was in a relationship with a man who had a child and they moved in with her?

Also confused about how he’s having his cake and eating it. The OP isn’t bringing up this man’s child while he works to bring in the money. Her child isn’t his. So in terms of child rearing etc this isn’t the classic case where she’s doing it all for them both to her own financial detriment. He’s just a single man who is in a relationship with a woman who has a child. He’s working full time and paying the mortgage for all of them…not sure how that equates to having his cake and eating it. Yes that would be what we would say if she was paying the mortgage while he kept it all in his name, but that’s not the case here…he pays it from money he earns and doesn’t charge her any rent/mortgage contribution. He would be better off financially with a lodger.

OP how much of the bills to you pay? I’m confused about how you’re so poor and unable to save anything if you’re only paying say half of the bills excluding mortgage? If you even earn minimum wage you should have something leftover to save in that situation unless you’re working very few hours? It’s hard to comment properly without some of those details but at face value I can’t really see how you’re getting a terrible deal here.

I dont think he has done anything particularly wrong here unless total contribution from you is for ALL households bills and this cost is = or > than cost for rent and bills on a 2 bed flat.

question: What would you be doing if you weren't with him? What quality of living would you have? Where would you live?

Yes you aren't financially secure but If you were single you wouldn't be financially secure.

I am also amazed you are reliant on him taking out a life insurance policy... You have a child! You should take out a life insurance policy yourself for him to secure your future.

If you buy i expect you (rightly) won't be able to access his deposit. You will however access remaining equity.
Example house purchase =500k deposit from DP =100k mortgage =400k
You sell in 5 years
Sale price = 650k
Remaining mortgage = 300k
DP gets £100k deposit + 125k
You get 125k

How much are you paying towards the bills?

Lots of posters are suggesting the dp is exploiting the op, and yes, he would be if she's paying eg all the council tax, energy bills, sky etc but also he's possibly being very generous if she's only paying a share of the bills and living rent free.

'Homeless' is quite a big, emotive word. You mean if you split up, you'd be in exactly the same position as all the other millions of people who don't own their own home.

If I bought a house, and paid the mortgage, not a chance would I be putting a partner I had no children with on the deeds.

In your situation, I'd be looking to make MYSELF more finincially secire, by working more hours. Not by getting my name on someone else's house.

Some proper nasty comments rolling in. Ladies. I don't want fuck all from him. The question I asked was about is it possible to be in a relationship where is financial inequality.

When I left my DC's dad, due to DV, I walked away with nothing into emergency housing. From there I got a local authority flat. Met my DP a few years later, fell in love and we wanted to live together.

Why would I not want him to have life insurance so that if anything happened to him I'd be able to buy the home that's supposedly ours? The home I clean, maintain, decorate etc.

am also amazed you are reliant on him taking out a life insurance policy... You have a child! You should take out a life insurance policy yourself for him to secure your future.

I didn't know that I could take a policy out for him?!

Op I understand how you feel, you have been with this man for nearly a decade and are very vulnerable financially should anything go wrong. My advice is to start saving hard, surely you have enough money to save a bit each month if you are sharing bills, food etc with him. Then see if you can buy a flat as an investment property in your sole name so you have a bit of security and rent it out to cover costs.

I don’t understand what he’s done wrong and why you (and other PPs) think you’re entitled to be on the deeds of a house you put nothing into financially. With respect, you’re paying some bills so effectively renting. You don’t have children together, so what would you expect him to do?

You should absolutely look at your financial security but that should not be related to his assets.

In your situation, I'd be looking to make MYSELF more finincially secire, by working more hours. Not by getting my name on someone else's house.

Absolutely! Couldn't agree more. I work full time already. Pretty much a minimum wage job. Once my DC is a wee bit older and I can let him get himself home and fed I'll be able to take up a more well paid job.

@TheReddestJohansson

I don’t understand what he’s done wrong and why you (and other PPs) think you’re entitled to be on the deeds of a house you put nothing into financially. With respect, you’re paying some bills so effectively renting. You don’t have children together, so what would you expect him to do?

You should absolutely look at your financial security but that should not be related to his assets.

I have never once said he's don't anything wrong! I even say in the post - the poor sod hasn't done anything wrong. It's me. It's my feelings. It's me who feels vulnerable.

They are not nasty comments, just being realistic about your options.

What would happen if YOU die, where would your DS live? Who would care for him? Have you made a Will and guardianship arrangements? You do sound a little naïve.