Financial inequality in relationship

[emsmar]

Is it possible to ever be okay in a relationship when DP is fairly well off and you're not?

Currently live together in his place. Which we chose and he bought. I don't pay towards the mortgage but pay other household bills. I wasn't in the financial position at the time to get a mortgage or pay for anything other than some furniture.

I always thought at some point we'd end up married but it's off the table. It's just the way he is. I'd even thought maybe he's protecting his money so said what about a pre nup tnat obviously protects his interests and it's still not an option.

We're taking about moving into a house where I'd be on the mortgage, which is great! I'm in the position now that I can afford to pay into a mortgage. But what happens if it goes wrong? All the deposit would be his. If we split up in 5/6 years I'd probably not even have enough for a deposit of my own. Plus I'm getting older, is really struggle to get a mortgage myself.

I just feel really unsettled. He gets constant lump sums handed to him off family members. It's not his fault but sometimes I just wish he was poor, like me. 😂

I have a DC. He doesn't want children.

Poor sod has done nothing wrong. I'm just terrified for the future. He has life insurance taken out for me so if anything happens to him I can buy our home.

I don't earn a great deal so can't save a massive amount plus continue to pay for what I do already.

Pretty much if we split up tomorrow I'm homeless and on the poverty line and it's absolutely terrifying me. Can it work? I'm a nervous person but this is really hanging over my head.

Push for a joint mortgage or look to do a btl on your own.

If you do go for a joint mortgage together OP
Please come back here and post for advice or you can just PM me.

There are ways both he and you can secure advantage over terms and conditions that can translate to thousands whe the house is sold.
Does the deposit get ring-fence at a fixed sum (good for you) or will it accrued a % of propert increase. E.g if house goes up 10% in value and he puts in 100k does he get back his 100k or does he get 110k from the value in the house?

I don't understand why people are expecting this man to put himself into financial instability by getting married. Why would he want to do that? Their finances are completely unbalanced, he'd be crazy to do that.

He sounds like a good guy to me.
It’d be easier all round if you got married, though.

If buying a BTL makes you feel more secure then you could do that. I suspect you’d struggle on your current salary to do that.

If he wants a bigger house and you feel that makes you vulnerable then I suppose that’s the downside for him if not wanting to get married - he doesn’t want to get married so he can’t have a bigger house using your money.

Neither of you are terrifically unreasonable.

I’d work on your self esteem, TBH. You haven’t fucked up at all.

@Didimum

I'd be interested to know his reasons for not marrying you and why you are accepting that. You clearly want marriage – why are you compromising what you want in life for him?

We spoke about it a lot recently. It's a conversation as opposed to an argument, y'know? I asked if he even wanted to get married and he said no. I asked why, is it me? Do you not see yourself being with me? He said it's just not important to him. He doesn't want to be married. I think it cringes him out. His parents are separated and his DM has been married a few times since. Maybe that's why he views it as a pointless exercise.

I always maintained that I don't want a wedding, however I'd like to be married. I think the option of being married but not having a wedding fills him with anxiety because of the disapproval of family & friends.

But he's made his feelings about it clear and I've accepted it. I won't badger someone to marry me if they don't want to be married. If the shoe were on the other foot and marriage was off the cards for me he would accept it too and not keep pushing it.

It does though throw up all the feelings of insecurity and vulnerability which is why I'm kinda dealing with this all just now and trying to find the best path to move forward on.

If you're buying a house together that's great surely? You'll build up equity and if the worst happens you could put it towards another place?

about me not being on the deeds or mortgage ... Obviously he was going to protect himself

I can't blame him for that, nor for resisting marriage, especially as you don't have children with him - after all any woman on here would be encouraged to do the same if she had all the assets

As PPs have said, the only real answer if for you to work to protect yourself, because he has no obligation to do it

@Totalwasteofpaper

Push for a joint mortgage or look to do a btl on your own.

If you do go for a joint mortgage together OP
Please come back here and post for advice or you can just PM me.

There are ways both he and you can secure advantage over terms and conditions that can translate to thousands whe the house is sold.
Does the deposit get ring-fence at a fixed sum (good for you) or will it accrued a % of propert increase. E.g if house goes up 10% in value and he puts in 100k does he get back his 100k or does he get 110k from the value in the house?

That's a good point.

It's actually easier for me to work for him as it's quite flexible in regards to childcare

Oh god - stupidly, I missed that you work for him as well

I totally get the childcare thing, but wonder if that's wise? He "may not have a bad bone in his body" but things can change very fast if a split happens, and I expect you have doubts about this or presumably you wouldn't be asking on here?

With all respect, you haven't accepted it if the thought of life with him without marriage is filling you with anxiety and feelings of instability. There is nothing wrong with wanting the security of marriage, and you shouldn't compromise on what you want it life, especially for someone so willing to have you cook, clean and pay his bills for him without any of your own security needs met.

I can see why people are reacting as they are. You’ve only been together eight years and your financial stability is your responsibility not his. He should protect his deposit then if you split any equity after that’s been removed is split equally.

If you don’t earn much and have no savings then you need to consider how to improve that situation.

Of course financially Inequal relationships can work but in this context only if you take financial responsibility for yourself.

@Keepitonthedownlow

If you're buying a house together that's great surely? You'll build up equity and if the worst happens you could put it towards another place?

Yeah that's currently what I'm trying to work out the exact financial situation for.

Like if we bought a place together that and I paid into the mortgage, if we split up, he would buy me out but surely I'd get back only what I paid in? Obviously the deposit would be his and protected, quite rightly. But by that point and it could be 20 years down the line, I would only have amounted to like 80,000. I could then take that as a deposit for my own place but at that point I'd be 60 and would I get a mortgage at that age? I really need to educate myself on how these things work as I'm honestly clueless.

I could be in a car crash tomorrow and lose my legs and be unable to work, or fall ill. Fuck. Another fear unlocked.

Am I better off staying in the apartment with him and absolutely battering as much of my income and spare cash into savings?

If we moved into a house then the cost of living would go right up too which by that point I'd be earning more yeah, but I'd just be funding a lifestyle that may be taken from me one day? Does that made sense? Like big house, big bills!

He should be paying half of the bills and food
His house, his mortgage. Thats fine but he also needs to pay bills as he lives there too.
You shouldn't be paying any decoration or maintenance costs as again, that's his house and his costs.

@Puzzledandpissedoff

It's actually easier for me to work for him as it's quite flexible in regards to childcare

Oh god - stupidly, I missed that you work for him as well

I totally get the childcare thing, but wonder if that's wise? He "may not have a bad bone in his body" but things can change very fast if a split happens, and I expect you have doubts about this or presumably you wouldn't be asking on here?

I'm asking because I've read so many threads on here and probably just realised that things happen in life. I don't have doubts really. I think it was just the realisation of what position I'd be in if things did go wrong. I'm catasrophizing. But that's good. I need to think like that.

He's a few years younger than me too. And annoyingly getting more handsome as he gets older.

I don't have doubts really. I think it was just the realisation of what position I'd be in if things did go wrong

Fair enough, OP, and you're absolutely right that it's wise to think of all eventualities, but I have to say your (very natural) uncertainty is coming across in every post

And yes, blasting everything you can into savings would be very sensible - no dipping into it because "the house needs something" either, because that's his house not yours

Okay OP, my bad I get what you mean. I was thrown by the comments t you made about investigating being on the deeds, which if you've paid nothing for the house (council tax and other stuff you mentioned isn't the same) would be a really bizarre expectation. I appreciate you're coming at this cold so apologies.

If I were you I would do as others suggest, imagine you were renting where those costs you're already paying would be plus a rental cost. That rental cost could maybe go into a first time buyer ISA (not sure of Ts&Cs but am sure there are others) or similar and you should focus efforts on purchasing something, anywhere as your own.

I would forget his life insurance. That's kinda his call. You need to focus on saving and once your DS is old enough you can get a higher paying job so you feel more in control.

FWIW I don't think you're stupid at all (something you said above). I do think you're spiralling a little as it sounds like you have a really good relationship. I don't think you should move out or punish yourself for no reason. He loves you and you love him so if he's happy with the set-up just enjoy it whilst saving for a rainy day.

Well, we're financially not equal but I was at home with our kids. We're also married. We pool our money and we're both on the deeds for the house. I feel secure because we are married and we share the lot of money I suppose. Never thought about it.

Why don't you speak to him re marriage, buying a bigger place etc?

If he feels by having your DC there he's supporting them (which is sort of true, do you get maintenance etc from their father) this may be one reason why he's reticent to take things further.

But you could coach the conversation by turning it on his head and putting him in your situation.

I also think you should bring up the 10 years together comment and that you feel insecure/worried re your/your DC future.

Nothing wrong at all in seeing a solicitor to draw up things and see where the land lies.

@Puzzledandpissedoff

It's actually easier for me to work for him as it's quite flexible in regards to childcare

Oh god - stupidly, I missed that you work for him as well

I totally get the childcare thing, but wonder if that's wise? He "may not have a bad bone in his body" but things can change very fast if a split happens, and I expect you have doubts about this or presumably you wouldn't be asking on here?

@OP - I see you work with him which is good for childcare but do you want to study for example?

Friend of mine when her DC grew up and moved out got married and decided to study for a degree, with the support of her DH. They also own a business together.

It's great if you work for him but not if he pays you a pittance. He's mugging you off there.

@TeeBee

I don't understand why people are expecting this man to put himself into financial instability by getting married. Why would he want to do that? Their finances are completely unbalanced, he'd be crazy to do that.

@TeeBee - it sounds like he gets a good deal though by OP working for him for not a good salary and her paying what she pays towards his house.

She was unwise giving up a LA home too but she knows that now.

@OhMygodddd

Also are you on the deeds of this property? You should still be on them even if your not in the mortgage. If your not on the deeds, it’s not your house.

Op isn't paying towards the current property though? So shouldn't be on the deeds.

Unless of course she is paying all the bills.

@TheReddestJohansson

Okay OP, my bad I get what you mean. I was thrown by the comments t you made about investigating being on the deeds, which if you've paid nothing for the house (council tax and other stuff you mentioned isn't the same) would be a really bizarre expectation. I appreciate you're coming at this cold so apologies.

If I were you I would do as others suggest, imagine you were renting where those costs you're already paying would be plus a rental cost. That rental cost could maybe go into a first time buyer ISA (not sure of Ts&Cs but am sure there are others) or similar and you should focus efforts on purchasing something, anywhere as your own.

I would forget his life insurance. That's kinda his call. You need to focus on saving and once your DS is old enough you can get a higher paying job so you feel more in control.

FWIW I don't think you're stupid at all (something you said above). I do think you're spiralling a little as it sounds like you have a really good relationship. I don't think you should move out or punish yourself for no reason. He loves you and you love him so if he's happy with the set-up just enjoy it whilst saving for a rainy day.

Thank you. I really honestly value all these suggestions. I am most definitely spiralling emotionally just now!

I had a better income when I first met him. I obviously gave up a lot of my benefits too when we moved into our place. My income has dropped a fair bit. I don't know how much things have changed but I've probably dropped about £500 a month.

I think because when we bought the place, I say we, as we chose it together, it was very much our home, it never felt like his home and I was just moving in to it. It was naive. So the realisation that even a lodger would have more rights left me feeling unsafe. Coupled together with the chats about marriage and it being taken off the table I've definitely been left feeling a bit vulnerable.

I'll look into opening an isa this afternoon once my eyes have depuffed a bit and I can take it all in a bit better.

Having been with someone who was financially and mentally controlling and abusive it's like I've hit the jackpot. We are so compatible it's frightening. I'm more introverted and really value my alone time and he loves playing sports with his pals and doesn't ever put any pressure on me for anything. He's never raised his voice at me and never asked to look at my financials etc. He asks me permission to book weekends away, (not that he needs to, ever) tells me his golfing intentions for the week and asks me if it's okay or if he needs to change any of the times if I want to go for lunch or go for a coffee or anything. I'd be mad to just self sabotage and move out. Although sometimes I feel like that would be better to do that because I'm waiting on the rug being pulled out.

To be honest I don’t see a major issue here OP. You have said your relationship is good. That’s the main thing here. He has taken life assurance out for you too. I would just avoid paying towards a mortgage though unless he changes the ownership to include you. I’d say to him that you are happy to contribute towards bills but not a mortgage without any security and that you will need to save any spare income you have to ensure you have funds for if the worst case scenario every happens. Other than that I don’t see a problem. Once your young one is older, try to improve your earnings and then save hard just in case.

At the moment you are living rent free in a relationship that makes you happy. The immediate alternative is to pay rent and be on your own. You might meet someone else but they may be equally wary of merging finances.

I agree with you and others in that he isn’t doing anything wrong. At no time have you sacrificed for the relationship in a way they he owes you or nor has he exploited you. You have benefited from rent free living.

The right thing to do are as you described, to build your own financial security. The relationship gives you a base for that. Only leave if you are unhappy.

I will not get married again or put a partners name on the property. Why? Because if it goes tits up, it's easier to boot them out. Them being homeless or whatever really isn't my problem. Whilst enjoying the financial benefits or living with someone, they should have also been thinking about their own financial future.

I made the mistake of being tied with a property to someone and got royally screwed over when we split. However, I was "saved" because I wasn't stupid with money and had savings so I wouldn't be homeless.

Also, he might be a good 'un now, however this often disappears when you split up.

And a will, them putting your name on insurance, pension etc is pointless when they can legally change this at any time, even when you are still together.