Financial inequality in relationship

[emsmar]

Is it possible to ever be okay in a relationship when DP is fairly well off and you're not?

Currently live together in his place. Which we chose and he bought. I don't pay towards the mortgage but pay other household bills. I wasn't in the financial position at the time to get a mortgage or pay for anything other than some furniture.

I always thought at some point we'd end up married but it's off the table. It's just the way he is. I'd even thought maybe he's protecting his money so said what about a pre nup tnat obviously protects his interests and it's still not an option.

We're taking about moving into a house where I'd be on the mortgage, which is great! I'm in the position now that I can afford to pay into a mortgage. But what happens if it goes wrong? All the deposit would be his. If we split up in 5/6 years I'd probably not even have enough for a deposit of my own. Plus I'm getting older, is really struggle to get a mortgage myself.

I just feel really unsettled. He gets constant lump sums handed to him off family members. It's not his fault but sometimes I just wish he was poor, like me. 😂

I have a DC. He doesn't want children.

Poor sod has done nothing wrong. I'm just terrified for the future. He has life insurance taken out for me so if anything happens to him I can buy our home.

I don't earn a great deal so can't save a massive amount plus continue to pay for what I do already.

Pretty much if we split up tomorrow I'm homeless and on the poverty line and it's absolutely terrifying me. Can it work? I'm a nervous person but this is really hanging over my head.

[quote TiddleyWink]@AubadeIsIt I actually don’t think insanity is excessive. She has a child and she has taken deliberate action which placed them in a completely insecure housing situation where they could be made homeless any time.

I agree that criticising past choices may seem unhelpful to the OP but it frustrates me on here when people get slammed for pointing out that past choices were bad such as why on earth did you have kids with this bloke etc. It may not help the OP but others will be reading and they may be about to make the same decisions so I actually think it can be quite helpful to point out that they weren’t the best ones.[/quote]
I do see what you mean. OP, please don't go in on a house with this person if they don't want to fully commit.

OP it sounds like you have a fundamentally good relationship and I don’t think his intentions are bad. He’s just looking after number one as we al should really. The fact that you can discuss this so openly and that he wants to help you address your situation is great. I also think as I said previously that it’s good he is being honest. He’s not dangling marriage by a thread with no intention of ever doing it like so many men you read about on here.

I agree that you haven’t made great choices and have been very naive but it’s not too late and you’re going to make changes, plus you’re in a fundamentally happy and loving relationship with good communication. There is a lot to feel positive about too.

Is the life insurance in trust for you? Who would get the house? Or is the life insurance intended to be enough to buy the house off his next of kin?

The life insurance is a new thing, he's emailed and copied me in asking on how he goes about listing me as a beneficiary. It's enough that i could buy our home from his estate/family. I expect that to be sorted out shortly.

What is his intention if he dies? Do you stay in the house or buy his family out? Yeah I'd buy his family out. Although i suspect they'd give me it anyway. I have a good relationship with his DM and I'm very much part of their family.

Can you save enough to purchase a buy to let elsewhere? One that you would be prepared to change to residential if you split at a later date? This seems like the most sensible and plausible route to go down.

Does he do his share of housework and household stuff? If not can that change to enable you to increase your income. Personally I wouldn’t be happy making his life easy by doing house stuff at the detriment of my own income/job prospects.

Nah he's useless in that respect. I carry the majority of the household cleaning/maintenance. I don't mind though. It's not a huge place and I like keeping a clean home.

Yeah, you're paying bills but not rent. I didn't say you were living totally free of any financial commitments.

If you lived alone, you'd pay rent plus 100% bills.
Living with him, you pay some bills.

So the money you'd otherwise spend on rent, you should save.

He sounds really nice.

How much does it cost you to pay for food, house maintenance, council tax etc? In comparison to him paying the mortgage and bills?

This doesn’t sound like a very good deal for you.

If the money for all of those things, including mortgage, went in a pot and you paid a percentage then you’d be paying towards the mortgage, but he has worked it out so that none of your contributions will matter - he would still have to pay council tax and for food if he lived alone, but now you pay it but he doesn’t seem to take that into account.

My DH is not the father of my DC, but he takes them all into account equally and would never leave us in an unsecure financial position. Our whole relationship is equal.

The fact that your DP doesn’t want to get married, when you have made it clear that you do, is another point where he seems to have more power than you.

Are you really happy in this relationship? He doesn’t sound like a man who really adores and appreciates you, it all sounds a bit like a transaction that he is keeping an eye on so that he doesn’t have to pay out at any point.

There is no reason why you can’t buy a place together. You would look at who puts in how much deposit, work it out as a percentage, and the deeds would be written to reflect that.
He would own a bigger portion, but at least your money would be going towards something you get a share of in the end.

@Enzbear

I think in your case, you should definitely start sorting out your own finances. Especially if he's not interested in marriage. Don't think I would bother with 'maybe one day' buying a house together unless it is actually happening and not just mentioned now and then to shut you up. Put as much as possible in your Pension, savings, stocks and shares Isa, start saving for your own deposit just in case. Does he share any of the lump sum gifts with you? Or use it to benefit you both? If not that's pretty selfish and not generous. That would put me off, we always share.

We spoke about pensions a while back and he advised me to up my contributions so I'm putting more in now. I work for him too..his contributions via the business are the standard contributions.

I would find out what will happen if the value if the house rises and the life insurance is not enough to buy out his family. Ie life cover 500k house now worth 650k.

They can’t just gift it to you, depending on value there may be inheritance tax to pay. Plus people are reluctant to give away large sums of money after the event (it’s easy to say you would before you have a lap drop if 500k for example).

Will he help you raise money to purchase an investment? I would want to do this for my other half (if we weren’t married) to ensure he’s okay if anything happened. Maybe he pays the bills and you save 100% of your income for a period of time. He benefits if you stay together long term too.

Personally I wouldn’t be happy with the wife work situation.

@writergirl747474

Yeah, you're paying bills but not rent. I didn't say you were living totally free of any financial commitments.

If you lived alone, you'd pay rent plus 100% bills.
Living with him, you pay some bills.

So the money you'd otherwise spend on rent, you should save.

He sounds really nice.

Yeah that's a fair point. I didn't see it like that, regarding the rent. My heads honestly swimming.

He is a good guy. He's very sensible and financially savvy.

I don't think he has done anything wrong either. I guess his money has come from his family and I wonder if he feels he should look after it for himself.
He is letting you live cheaply so you have the opportunity to save.
If I were you I'd save and save and try to continue to build up your pot of money.

One of my kids is buying a house and his long timers girlfriend (8 years) isn't going to be on the mortgage or deeds.
He isn't going to charge her rent. She is bad with money and has a very low paying job. He has ended up paying her share of rent before.
He can easily afford his own house as he has a decent salary and he will get a big family contribution. The are zero conditions to the family contribution but I think he wants to keep it for himself.
Maybe that's is a bit selfish but I'm secretly glad as I can't see any downsides for him doing it this way.

Just one thing for me.

Just now, with you not even on the mortgage, he can live you a life insurance but there is nothing that says you would be able to buy HIS house, a the one where you are living isywim unless he somehow specific that in his will.

Even if you are on the mortgage, I’d double check what would happen if he dies before you. Would part of the house become someone else property?

@GeneLovesJezebel

There is no reason why you can’t buy a place together. You would look at who puts in how much deposit, work it out as a percentage, and the deeds would be written to reflect that. He would own a bigger portion, but at least your money would be going towards something you get a share of in the end.

What I'm realising now though, If we buy a place together though - I'd get whatever I paid back into it, which would be minimal. If we split in say 10 years, I'll be nearly 50! I'd never get a mortgage on my own, even with that I'd have paid on returned to me to use as a deposit. I'd probably be back to the local authority and even then with having a lump sum as a deposit I'd be fucked because I wouldn't be eligible for any housing then. Does that make sense? At the moment a 2 bed flat rental is around 700/800 a month. I clear about 1350 a month.

I've properly fucked myself.

Btw if you are looking at ‘what would have left if everything goes tits up’, I’d say living in his house Wo being on the mortgage AND working his company is making extremely vulnerable.

If you were to separate, you would loose your house and your job…..

Question: is the job you are doing in his company aurally the best paid job you could get?

He is right about not marrying you. Prenups are not enforceable in UK. I would say he is quite generous as he is not charging you rent. Your costs would be much higher if you were to pay rent and the bills without him. Stop fantasising about someone providing for you financial security and work on your own finances. You are in a lucky position that you can save more because there is no rent.

OP, I think you're wise to get clarification of the financial issues you're feeling insecure about. It doesn't sound as if your DP is trying to take advantage of you and I'm sure it will be better for everyone if you know you won't be cast adrift if he dies or you split up.

@TravellingFrom

Btw if you are looking at ‘what would have left if everything goes tits up’, I’d say living in his house Wo being on the mortgage AND working his company is making extremely vulnerable.

If you were to separate, you would loose your house and your job…..

The plan is though in a few years is to move onto another job once my DC is a bit more independent.

If he left me any time soon I'd still have a job. He's not got a bad bone in his body.

All this if he left me chat is genuinely crushing my soul. Because I know the chances are he won't. I could decide to leave him just as easily too.

It's honestly the fear of if it goes wrong. Which it could. I feel so unequal and my pride and self esteem is absolutely torn to shreds at the moment.

OP,

You are contributing way more than bills - you are his housekeeper- in a house you have no title to 🙄 and you left a secure LA home with your child to live here.

Please start thinking of yourself, you said you left a DV relationship- perhaps work on your own self esteem. If you are only working for your boyfriend, you are doubly vulnerable.

Congratulations on reading on here and becoming aware of your situation. If I were you, I would buy my own place, set it up for me and perhaps even move in there and see your partner a few days a week? Or at least rent it out short term so that you can move in if ever things go wrong.

Also, DO NOT rely on his family letting you keep the house - read the inheritance posts on here - people don’t even look after their siblings with Ann inheritance, they certainly won’t look after a girlfriend.

@emsmar - I think you've had so much advice here, some of it conflicting, that you cannot see the wood for the trees.

I'd suggest:

He takes out life assurance and names you as beneficiary.
He names you as recipient of survivor benefits for his pension.
He makes a will leaving all his assets, including the house, to you.
You both pay household bills as a proportion of net income.

However, be aware that beneficiaries and wills can be changed - though there really is nothing you could do to prevent this. Unless he marries you...... which is why it is often said that marriage is primarily a financial contract.

If you were to buy a house jointly, you would be accruing a share of the equity. Make sure you buy as Joint Tenants, though, not Tenants in Common, so that you'd inherit his share if he were to die.

@Iwonder08

He is right about not marrying you. Prenups are not enforceable in UK. I would say he is quite generous as he is not charging you rent. Your costs would be much higher if you were to pay rent and the bills without him. Stop fantasising about someone providing for you financial security and work on your own finances. You are in a lucky position that you can save more because there is no rent.

Yeah he probably is! I always wanted a normal life with a normal marriage and kids and life hasn't went to plan has it.

If it were my son in his position I'd be of the same opinion to be honest.

I'm not fantasising for an easy ride. I want to provide for myself and secure myself. It's difficult though when one person maybe has a different vision of a big house and the fine things in life and the other feasibly can't keep up.

He should maybe have not fallen in love with me. That's his downfall. I can't keep up with his life.

I missed the bit about you working for his business...
This makes you even more vulnerable.... If you were to break up, you would lose both home and job!
And why is he only paying you minimum wage?
Coupled with you doing all the housework, cooking, home maintenance even!!!, this doesn't look like he has your best interests at heart.
Could you retrain or get more qualifications, and get a more lucrative job?

@TravellingFrom

Question: is the job you are doing in his company aurally the best paid job you could get?

Yeah if I was working somewhere else my earning potential would be around the same just now. It's actually easier for me to work for him as it's quite flexible in regards to childcare, school holidays and our lifestyle.

My DS is 50/50 with ex. It's split half week and EOW. Going back into doing a job I could earn more in would require me to be away M,T, W(7/8am) til 6pm. He'd have to make his way to the bus stop on those days and get himself home and fed, in a year or 2 that's completely possible. He'd need to make his own way to his after school activities too.

@emsmar

am also amazed you are reliant on him taking out a life insurance policy... You have a child! You should take out a life insurance policy yourself for him to secure your future.

I didn't know that I could take a policy out for him?!

Yes you can!!! I don't think my husbands is enough so have an additional policy 😂

I'd be interested to know his reasons for not marrying you and why you are accepting that. You clearly want marriage – why are you compromising what you want in life for him?

I wouldn't be with someone who knew I would be in such an unstable position and didnt care. This would be easily fixed via marriage - a 10 min in out registry office if he's not into the fuss.