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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Financial inequality in relationship

109 replies

emsmar · 14/03/2022 07:22

Is it possible to ever be okay in a relationship when DP is fairly well off and you're not?

Currently live together in his place. Which we chose and he bought. I don't pay towards the mortgage but pay other household bills. I wasn't in the financial position at the time to get a mortgage or pay for anything other than some furniture.

I always thought at some point we'd end up married but it's off the table. It's just the way he is. I'd even thought maybe he's protecting his money so said what about a pre nup tnat obviously protects his interests and it's still not an option.

We're taking about moving into a house where I'd be on the mortgage, which is great! I'm in the position now that I can afford to pay into a mortgage. But what happens if it goes wrong? All the deposit would be his. If we split up in 5/6 years I'd probably not even have enough for a deposit of my own. Plus I'm getting older, is really struggle to get a mortgage myself.

I just feel really unsettled. He gets constant lump sums handed to him off family members. It's not his fault but sometimes I just wish he was poor, like me. 😂

I have a DC. He doesn't want children.

Poor sod has done nothing wrong. I'm just terrified for the future. He has life insurance taken out for me so if anything happens to him I can buy our home.

I don't earn a great deal so can't save a massive amount plus continue to pay for what I do already.

Pretty much if we split up tomorrow I'm homeless and on the poverty line and it's absolutely terrifying me. Can it work? I'm a nervous person but this is really hanging over my head.

OP posts:

Original poster

emsmar · 14/03/2022 08:16

@Ragwort

They are not nasty comments, just being realistic about your options.

What would happen if YOU die, where would your DS live? Who would care for him? Have you made a Will and guardianship arrangements? You do sound a little naïve.

His father?

OP posts:

Original poster

emsmar · 14/03/2022 08:18

@Ragwort

They are not nasty comments, just being realistic about your options.

What would happen if YOU die, where would your DS live? Who would care for him? Have you made a Will and guardianship arrangements? You do sound a little naïve.

I absolutely am naive! I'm asking for help! The realisation of how fucked I am is looking over me daily here. I don't want to be naive and stupid moving forward.

OP posts:

Kangaruby · 14/03/2022 08:24

I don't think he has done anything wrong, I am slightly in the reverse position here in that I own the house and we are not married. You need to look out for yourself, despite me owning the house, I have got life insurance for my partner, I took out the policy, money would come to me if anything happens. My partner also has done likewise for me, so we will both be OK in case of death / relationship break up. You should really look at what you can do to put yourself in a better position.

arethereanyleftatall · 14/03/2022 08:24

The 'nasty' comments aren't really nasty op, and they weren't directed at you, they were directed at posters who automatically projected that your dp was an arse, without knowing all the facts.

GeneLovesJezebel · 14/03/2022 08:28

You are cleaning and maintaining HIS house.
As I said earlier, you need to make provisions for a home to house yourself and your child if it all goes tits up.

Oblomov22 · 14/03/2022 08:33

You know all this because it's common sense. But you haven't done any of the actions to secure yourself. Why? Is there a big drip feed re previous abuse as to why you haven't put these things in place?

Notajogger · 14/03/2022 08:34

You say your son's father would be guardian - is that wise if he's the person who you escaped from due to DV? Is there any way legally (I don't know, perhaps when your son is older he would have more say) where your current partner could be guardian?

Pp who said about life insurance for you/your son meant you taking out life insurance for yourself, so that if you die your son gets the financial support.

Original poster

emsmar · 14/03/2022 08:35

"Not trying to be mean but I’m a bit bemused about how you’re only worried about your financial future because this man won’t marry you and give you half his wealth/asset…what would you do if you were single? What would be your earning and housing strategy then? A relationship makes life easier of course in terms of sharing some costs but it’s not a personal finance strategy. If you want to be better off you need to earn more! I know that’s hard as a single parent but that’s sadly life, that’s why single parents are generally not swimming in money."

I was a single parent before. I could do it again. It wouldn't be fun but I'm a tough cookie and a hard worker. I'd marry him with a pre nup. I've suggested and offered. He just doesn't want to be married. It's the not having a commitment I guess which makes me worried! I understand that even marriages break up.

I'm honestly considering just ripping the bandage off and going it alone. Save myself years of insecurity and worry. Maybe it's best going back to living in my own place. At least that way the rug can't ever be pulled from beneath me.

OP posts:

Catcrazy83 · 14/03/2022 08:40

You’re his girlfriend OP, stop acting like his wife, in your shoes I’d save for a deposit on a little place (you said an option now) and live with child alone, claim top up benefits if earnings under the threshold and just do date nights/weekends, boyfriend/girlfriend stuff. At the moment he is having the best of both worlds, you’re behaving like his wife, with all the benefits that brings him, but with none of the “wife” protections your self.

TiddleyWink · 14/03/2022 08:43

Sorry OP but I have to say that giving up a secure local authority home to live with your boyfriend with absolutely zero rights or security was more than silly. As a single independent person it was silly, as a single mother it was irresponsible insanity. It’s done now but honestly, what were you thinking?

Enzbear · 14/03/2022 08:45

I think in your case, you should definitely start sorting out your own finances. Especially if he's not interested in marriage. Don't think I would bother with 'maybe one day' buying a house together unless it is actually happening and not just mentioned now and then to shut you up.
Put as much as possible in your Pension, savings, stocks and shares Isa, start saving for your own deposit just in case.
Does he share any of the lump sum gifts with you? Or use it to benefit you both?
If not that's pretty selfish and not generous. That would put me off, we always share.

gamerchick · 14/03/2022 08:49

I don't think I could buy a house with someone who wouldn't marry me. Maybe you would be better off in your own place. Doesn't mean the end of the relationship.

newbiename · 14/03/2022 08:51

I think he urgently needs to make a will so if he died you get the life insurance.
If he won't or stalls I think you need to rethink things.
Sadly you can't always trust families to do the right thing.

writergirl747474 · 14/03/2022 09:00

He doesn't need a will to arrange life insurance - he can take out a policy and name her as the beneficiary. Then nothing to do with wills etc. When (obvs hopefully not) his life insurance pays £X the OP can use the money for whatever she wants (not necessarily buy the same house they are in) - maybe house deposit.

He's done nothing wrong here and sounds generous as she is living rent free. The OP should save the cash she'd otherwise spend on rent then she'd have a lump sum of cash should the relationship end.

NoSquirrels · 14/03/2022 09:02

Hmm. I’m actually not sure he’s such a wrong un as this thread seems to be painting.

We're taking about moving into a house where I'd be on the mortgage, which is great! I'm in the position now that I can afford to pay into a mortgage.
This IS great. If you’re also an owner (on the mortgage) then you have financial security and a commitment from him.

But what happens if it goes wrong? All the deposit would be his. If we split up in 5/6 years I'd probably not even have enough for a deposit of my own. Plus I'm getting older, is really struggle to get a mortgage myself.
But you can’t live your life on what ifs, all you can do is plan to be in as best a position as you can.

That means your DP makes a will either leaving his part of the property to you, or a lifetime interest to you in the property (i.e. when he dies his family inherit his share of the property but you can stay there for life), that the life insurance is sorted, that the way you buy the property is set up legally in a way that is fair to you both.

lonelydad2021 · 14/03/2022 09:03

If he doesn't want to marry you even with a pre-nup you are not his partner for life I am afraid. That relationship can end any minute so prepare for it. You should be saving for a deposit as you are not paying rent.

AubadeIsIt · 14/03/2022 09:04

@TiddleyWink

'Insanity'? That's excessive. Criticising someone's past actions is useless and hurtful. OP you may be right about deciding to go it without partner moving forward. He should want to protect you and your little one after eight years. To answer your question, I think financial imbalance is compatible with a happy relationship--provided there's commitment from both sides.

Savvysix1984 · 14/03/2022 09:06

I don't think he's done anything wrong but I do think it was ill judged for you give up the security of a LA home without proper planning.
Buying together is the best next move. He would have his deposit protected and then you pay into the mortgage together.

OhMygodddd · 14/03/2022 09:07

You’ve blurred the lines between girlfriend and wife. Don’t bother cleaning, maintaining and decorating his house.
It’s not a problem he won’t marry you, the problem is you have wasted 8 years thinking you was ok when in fact, your not.

OhMygodddd · 14/03/2022 09:07

Also I think it was a very bad move to give up a LA home, I hope you don’t ever regret that.

TiddleyWink · 14/03/2022 09:11

@AubadeIsIt I actually don’t think insanity is excessive. She has a child and she has taken deliberate action which placed them in a completely insecure housing situation where they could be made homeless any time.

I agree that criticising past choices may seem unhelpful to the OP but it frustrates me on here when people get slammed for pointing out that past choices were bad such as why on earth did you have kids with this bloke etc. It may not help the OP but others will be reading and they may be about to make the same decisions so I actually think it can be quite helpful to point out that they weren’t the best ones.

newbiename · 14/03/2022 09:11

@writergirl747474

He's done nothing wrong here and sounds generous as she is living rent free. The OP should save the cash she'd otherwise spend on rent then she'd have a lump sum of cash should the relationship end.

True, I got that wrong.

TravellingFrom · 14/03/2022 09:13

Even more easily than a life insurrance, he could put her in his will…..

Original poster

emsmar · 14/03/2022 09:17

@writergirl747474

He's done nothing wrong here and sounds generous as she is living rent free. The OP should save the cash she'd otherwise spend on rent then she'd have a lump sum of cash should the relationship end.

Living rent free? 😂

I pay council tax, food, maintenance costs (new furnishings) phone/tv

He pays mortgage/gas electric.

We discussed this all recently.

Basically all boils down to me never having my smarts on and being very naive financially. I guess to joining mumsnet and reading the posts actually opened my eyes up a bit and probably put the shitters up me a bit in regards to what happens if things go wrong.

I just read him out some of the posts. We have a very open dialogue and he's just like we need to work to make you secure then don't we.

I think taking a mortgage together should be the next step. But by staying here in our current home, once I have a better income I'd be able to put a lot more away to cushion myself if the worst did ever happen, rather than upping the expenditure with a new house and the expense that comes along with it. I feel bad for him though because I know he wants a home with a garden and a more room. Currently in an apartment. But he's like if that makes you feel better then that's fine. We can stay here.

I feel so fucking stupid.

OP posts:

Findingneeemo · 14/03/2022 09:17

Is the life insurance in trust for you? Who would get the house? Or is the life insurance intended to be enough to buy the house off his next of kin?

What is his intention if he dies? Do you stay in the house or buy his family out?

Can you save enough to purchase a buy to let elsewhere? One that you would be prepared to change to residential if you split at a later date?

Does he do his share of housework and household stuff? If not can that change to enable you to increase your income. Personally I wouldn’t be happy making his life easy by doing house stuff at the detriment of my own income/job prospects.

Sorry lots of questions.

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