Financial inequality in relationship

[emsmar]

Is it possible to ever be okay in a relationship when DP is fairly well off and you're not?

Currently live together in his place. Which we chose and he bought. I don't pay towards the mortgage but pay other household bills. I wasn't in the financial position at the time to get a mortgage or pay for anything other than some furniture.

I always thought at some point we'd end up married but it's off the table. It's just the way he is. I'd even thought maybe he's protecting his money so said what about a pre nup tnat obviously protects his interests and it's still not an option.

We're taking about moving into a house where I'd be on the mortgage, which is great! I'm in the position now that I can afford to pay into a mortgage. But what happens if it goes wrong? All the deposit would be his. If we split up in 5/6 years I'd probably not even have enough for a deposit of my own. Plus I'm getting older, is really struggle to get a mortgage myself.

I just feel really unsettled. He gets constant lump sums handed to him off family members. It's not his fault but sometimes I just wish he was poor, like me. 😂

I have a DC. He doesn't want children.

Poor sod has done nothing wrong. I'm just terrified for the future. He has life insurance taken out for me so if anything happens to him I can buy our home.

I don't earn a great deal so can't save a massive amount plus continue to pay for what I do already.

Pretty much if we split up tomorrow I'm homeless and on the poverty line and it's absolutely terrifying me. Can it work? I'm a nervous person but this is really hanging over my head.

I can see both sides go this story. Op you're not financially secure, but that's not your dp's fault. It's also not up to your dp to ensure you are financially secure.

I'd recommend you find a way to save some money for a deposit and purchase a small buy to let. You may even need to look at a better paying job. If that's not possible then you should be looking at investments or pensions etc.

If you do move and he puts you on the mortgage then great, however he will also need to protect his own investment, so I'd suggest he ring fences the deposit, and you pay towards the mortgaged that way, if you do split then you'll walk away with a fair amount of equity.

If you had dc together and you were the primary carer my answer would be different

@AttilaTheMeerkat

This relationship is all in his favour; he has the vast, if not all, the power and control within it. You've been left with basically nothing here from him. As for your comment, "you don't want anything from him at all" well that is a really low bar here you've set for yourself as well as doing your own self a huge disservice.

These types of men sadly do not want to share and he's happy as he is. He has you around to cook and clean for him along with his various relations giving him money.

So, the OP lives with her child rent free in this guy's house just paying a few bills, and he is prepared to buy a house jointly, and has made provision for her if something should happen to him..

...and this makes him a bad guy?

This is why men tell one another not to date women with kids.

You’re not in a relationship which is financially unequal. My dh and are are financially unequal as I earn double than him. But our home was bought together, we both pay equal % income into all our bills and we have equal spending money.
You’re more like a lodger.
Should he die, you’ll get nothing as he hasn’t got a will. You may get his insurance but that doesn’t mean you can buy the house, that would be the decision of his inheritors.
I’d be asking him to have the house as tenants in common with him having a bigger % than you, then you can have your name on the deeds.

Buying a house together is a very good move. He can ring fence his deposit, that's fair and honestly him having it means you can get on the property ladder now so you do benefit.

Then you pay the mortgage monthly and that money plus capital gains on the property is adding up to your own house deposit should you ever split.

You also should be splitting the bills more fairly once you are paying a mortgage together. Food & council tax plus repairs & replacements costs more than just the gas/elec. But if you go 50/50 and that covers you and your child that seems fair. Hopefully he will use his extra money to pay for extras too, as its not much fun going out or on holidays on your own and you wont have the money for that. This is much better and safer for you than leaving and renting forever.

I was in your situation OP. When I met my (now) dh, he earned shed loads more than me. It wasn't a problem, it didn't give him "all the power" and he didn't use it against me. We bought our first house together after about 2 years. The deposit was all his but he was adamant he didn't want to ring fence it (in hindsight that was silly of him really!) we were both on the mortgage and I owned 50% of the house (even though I couldn't have actually paid for 50%!) At the time I was aware that it was unfair to him and suggested the house be purely in his name and for me to buy a (much smaller) house that I could then rent out, hence giving me some financial security if things went tits up. Would something like that be an option for you? (although I know tax rules have changed now, this was years ago)
It all worked out for us in the end, I worked my ass off for several years, we ended up being very similar in salaries, and we have been married for 12 years.....

I agree with other posters who say your financial security is your responsibility/he seems fairly decent

BUT : what is he point about marriage being off the table. Was it ‘on’ the table at a certain point? What has changed?

I think you know what I am getting at: he may choose to meet someone else to start
a family with, has there been discussion of you two having a family together, is he ‘dad’ to your son or mum’s boyfriend?

That said, you are in a good position to save and should, I don’t think he is ‘screwing you over’: in his position I’d do the same I think

This relationship is all in his favour; he has the vast, if not all, the power and control within it. You've been left with basically nothing here from him

There's a lot in this, but you left out that moving in on this basis, leaving the LA property and working for the partner are all choices

He's made choices too, including protecting himself by avoiding marriage or putting OP on the deeds - all things which a woman with greater assets would quite rightly be advised to do on here

OP you are getting some harsh comments here.

I am not married to my DP. I don't want to get married. Ever. I was upfront like your DP. I am very committed to our relationship and hope we will grow old together. Just saying this because I wouldn't immediately assume your partner isn't committed.

While you live in his house you actually have the opportunity to make yourself a nest egg. My DP moved into my house a couple of years after we got together. I paid the mortgage and the house was in my name. We shared all other bills. He saved all the money that would have gone in rent. We bought together this year, I sold my property, he used his savings and we got a mortgage together. I have ring-fenced my deposit as it was large and I pay significantly less of the mortgage every month as we wanted to own the house equally. We have life insurances for each other.

We are happy and hopefully will continue to be. You say your DP is kind and loving and you have a good relationship. I don't think you need to throw that away over finances. Just make sure you are also making some choices for yourself.

We are in similar boats but I'm probably more vulnerable. I have a DP we've been together 8 years. I moved in with him and sold my house (I kept the profit). His house and I am not on the deeds. He will not get married as financially it makes no sense for him (he has money). I do not pay a single bill in that house. I save every month to make sure I can buy a house if I need to.
It sounds clinical and business like but relationships have so many layers. We love each other, I help raise his children. We are partners and have an amazing life. I'm not sure reluctance to share finances has to be a bad thing. He made his money before he met me and has three children's futures to secure. It's not my money. Of course it can work and it does work. You know him better than anyone on here. Don't get overwhelmed with what if's. Keep making progress with your savings and enjoy your lives together.