Getting rejected by women whilst dating - is there something wrong with me

[tawaanchu]

Hi everyone,

So I am a 24 year old guy who has never been in relationship before. I have never even initiated any kiss or something with anyone and have only asked 3 girls out. I am a very social person and most of my friends are girls but I have been very anxious with girls that I fancy.

The first girl I asked out was my best friend in my high school. I sent her a long message that I have feelings for her etc. She said that she really appreciated me telling her but she did not see me that way. I apologised to her and I went along pretending that i do not care, we are still good friends.

The second girl I asked out was also one of my good friends - she also rejected me saying that she considers me as her best friend and doesn't see me like that. I apologised and promised not to bring them up again in future. We are still very good friends and even her bf now has become my good mate.

The third (and the most recent) girl I asked out was my old school friend. We started talking on instagram, realised that we attended same school, even though we live in different cities. We exchanged numbers and started talking everyday for hours. I got balls this time and I finally told her that I would like to get to know her and see a future with her and she said she enjoys talking to me as well and we could definitely see how things go. However she did warn me that she has phases where she stops talking to everyone at times. I did not take that seriously that time. I asked her on a date and we met after 3 months of continuous talking. I would have done it early but she has some travel trips.

Our first date went okayish, even though I was extremely nervous. However around one week after our first date, she literally disappeared for a week from all social media’s. When she came back and I told her whats wrong, she said she has been having a very hard time with work and it’s not about me at all, she also apologised for acting this way. Gradually texts and calls became less. I recently planned another trip to visit her and I travelled all the way to her city, we spent two days together. We had a great time and even she said it was quite fun. I again did not initiated any kiss with her nor held her hand, I was too nervous and did not want her to be scared or go over my boundaries. At the end of our long date, I asked her that I would like to see her more and we could build on something very beautiful. To this she said that ‘she will think about it’. I also told her that I have a crush on her and would appreciate if she will let me know sooner. She smiled and looked away. She kept texting me for around two days after our second date but then she again ghosted me. It has been over two weeks and she has not replied to me. I also called her couple of times and she did not respond to my calls, even though she is online and active on social media. I have a feeling that she is hiding her instagram / sc stories from and pretending that she is not online - maybe a polite way of rejecting me.

I feel so sad with this incident as I really had strong feelings for her. I am having serious self esteem issues right now. I have never even kissed anyone yet and I see all my friends are in relationships and being loved. Personally I am quite successful in my career, I have just turned 24 and finished uni + post grad, been a first class graduate, won awards academically and got a job at a top world class company.

But I am just so annoyed at myself for not being able to date someone or entering a relationship. I have literally watched relationship videos where they teach dating games and stuff. Despite being decent looking, I spent so much on my physical appearance, started going gym everyday, got good clothes, even paid over 2k on getting my teeth properly aligned. I have even tried online dating, matched with few people but just lost interest as convos went boring and I wasn't very interested in people that I matched.

I have literally so many friends and they all love me and say that I am nicest person they have ever met. I am still a virgin and have to lie to people that I am no longer virgin. I don't think I even know what flirting is. I have never even asked any random girls number in public. I get very scared to make a move because I do not want to come across as creep and weirdo. I grew up with women - my mum and my elder sisters and have had so many female friends and I get very paranoid of coming across being creep or pervert after listening to their stories with their experiences with men. Perhaps this is why I have never made a move on any girl.

It sucks being alone and being rejected from the person I really liked. I just feel so sad and lonely, and I literally hate myself. I do not know if I am just unattractive sexually or what, but I just do not want to be alone anymore.

You sound really intense. Too intense, especially for someone who claims to be worried about coming across as a "creep or pervert."

It's OK to be a virgin. It's OK to have never been kissed. But if you go on two dates without any physical contact, declare it's the start of something beautiful (based on on what?) and ask for a decision quickly, it's just... too much.

You are seeing every woman as the potential love of your life, and you want a rapid yes/no on whether she agrees. You need to see dates for what they are - a casual meeting between two people who might or might not have a spark between them, that might lead to another meeting if both people find that meeting fun.

Forget the movies. People generally don't fall in love at first sight. They go on many dates, they decide they have things in common and a mutual attraction, and then it starts to grow from there. You need to dial back your expectations of dating if you're to have any success with it. Stop putting so much pressure on yourself, and stop putting so much pressure on your dates.

Yes, you are successful at work and you're spending money on the way you look, but nothing you do means you deserve a woman's attention. You aren't owed love. Every woman has a right to reject you if she isn't feeling it. You need to get out of this mindset of 'but I deserve it', because women can pick up on it, and it scares us.

I know you think you're already quite old to have never been in a relationship, but honestly, I think you need to put your romantic aspirations on ice for now. You say you hate yourself - what will happen if you meet a woman you like? Will she be responsible for you loving yourself and your happiness? That's too much responsibility. She'll run.

You need to work on accepting who you are. You sound happy with your career to date, but given you've spent a lot of money on your clothes and teeth, and you're hitting up the gym, it does sound like you're not entirely happy with how you look.

Learn to love yourself and change the way you see dates (in that order). Forget all those dumb videos about dating. You don't need them. You just need to accept who you are, and to dial back your intensity.

Maybe when you're ready to start dating, you can ask some of those female friends of yours to help you write a profile and to choose your best photos. But don't ask out female friends - it gives the impression you're asking them out purely because you don't know anyone else, and it won't make them feel good.

You sound like a lovely person, just perhaps coming on too strong.

You’re young with your whole world ahead of you, you just need to slow it all down. Some people want to date and have fun casual chats to see where it leads. Nothing wrong with suggesting another date but give her time to process that. As you’ve said, you travelled to see her, spent time with her and haven’t let her fully digest the date yet.
She told you honestly that she occasionally stops talking to people. This suggests she’s not looking for a full on relationship so isn’t going to commit to you right away.

I agree with the pp, I think you should let this girl go. Give her space and see if she comes back to you.
Having a good job and investing in self care is great but you are looking for relationships within established friendship groups which sadly doesn’t always work. Instead talk to these girls and get them to help with your confidence. They will explain that they don’t need a partner to be too full on straight away as that can scare a girl off.
To those girls it feels like you are asking them out because they are around. As the pp said, ditch the videos. Work on your own self esteem and ask friends for advice.

Want to have success with people?
Men? Women?
Want a new 1 every week?
There's no trick to it, it's just a simple trick.
Ask out 100 a week.

if just 1% say yes, there's your 1 a week.

Unfortunately, if rejection is hard for you though, you may struggle.

A common theme seems to be that you are falling in love with these people and declaring it ages down the line. As opposed to just asking them on a date early on.

People usually don't want to date their friends. Also, when ppl date, they want to start off on equal footing, not with someone who already loves them. Because that's too intense.

Try online dating again. And stop making friends with ppl if you know you fancy them from the offset. Just ask them out on dates instead.

Please don't ask out 100 people per week. That would make you seem like a scammy pick-up artist.
The other PPs are right. You're too intense. And you're swinging from creepily intense (beautiful future- needing an answer) to disinterested friend zone (not even asking if you can hold their hand on a second date).
If you're surrounded by women, you should ask them what they think. Not in a 'woe is me' way because then they'll just try to reassure you but in a 'what I'm doing isn't working - any suggestions?'
Also coming to MN for advice on this is a bit odd. This isn't where guys in their twenties hang out.

You really need to relax. You're so intense, of course it's putting women off.

Going on one date then saying you can ‘build on something beautiful’ and ‘need an answer sooner’ is intense and would have me writing a guy off as I’d presume he was emotionally immature or deliberately love bombing.

Ditto getting into friendships then sending long messages about how you have a crush on them. For me that would end the friendship and any chance of a relationship.

You sound as well like you want to be in a really good relationship with none of the backstory/ground work laying. Unfortunately you can’t just jump into ‘something beautiful.’ You do need date casually, build up gradually etc. If you want a healthy and long term relationship anyway.

@MaryAndHerNet

Want to have success with people? Men? Women? Want a new 1 every week? There's no trick to it, it's just a simple trick. Ask out 100 a week.

if just 1% say yes, there's your 1 a week.

Unfortunately, if rejection is hard for you though, you may struggle.

Lol yeah. If you’re in a big city you could just stand outside a train station and ask every woman age 19-45 ‘will you go out with me?’

That’s the only way I could think of that you could ask out a hundred women in a week.

That’s the only way I could think of that you could ask out a hundred women in a week.

There was a cartoon called King Of The Hill a long time back. Boomhaur was a 'ladies man' and they showed him once teaching Bobby how he did it.
He just went to the shoe department of a mall and asked every woman for their number. It always stuck with me.

Aww bless you, my son is just like this, so full on and intense and worrisome. I think you definitely need to work on your self confidence. You'll find a girl when you're not looking for one and your confidence will shine. You'll be attractive because you'll seem off limits. I always advise both my son's to appear indifferent and confident. Try to work on yourself and the rest will follow....there's no rush and there's no race to be hooked up with a lass. It will come with time, patience and lots of getting happy with you and your own company. Xxxx

Just wait till you hit your thirties.
It’s sounds cliche, but you are the nice guy who is the safe marriage option who just needs to build confidence and that often comes in time.
Women in their twenties generally don’t want what you have to offer as they are too busy throwing themselves at the edgy guy who couldn’t give a f*ck about them.
This has been my experience anyway.

Agree with pp. Apart from 'indifference'. Yes that the opposite to intensity, but it's still not healthy.

@TYbakedpotato has written wise words. Cool down! It’s likely that women are being put off by your determination. Concentrate on having a social life with male and female friends, and relationships will start to happen. But be realistic- some will be short-lived and you’ll have disappointments (like most of us do). And a lot of people don’t find a “true love” type of relationship until they’re much older.

@Derelicthome

Just wait till you hit your thirties. It’s sounds cliche, but you are the nice guy who is the safe marriage option who just needs to build confidence and that often comes in time. Women in their twenties generally don’t want what you have to offer as they are too busy throwing themselves at the edgy guy who couldn’t give a f*ck about them. This has been my experience anyway.

I feel the opposite. At 20 I might have been flattered. Or felt too mean to say no to a date.

At 30, my alarm bells would be ringing as it's too intense.

@Derelicthome

Just wait till you hit your thirties. It’s sounds cliche, but you are the nice guy who is the safe marriage option who just needs to build confidence and that often comes in time. Women in their twenties generally don’t want what you have to offer as they are too busy throwing themselves at the edgy guy who couldn’t give a f*ck about them. This has been my experience anyway.

A nice guy doesn’t pressure a girl to commit to a relationship because they have something beautiful/he has ‘strong feelings’ after only one date. That’s intense and doesn’t show emotional maturity.

This reads like one of those Reddit whingers moaning ‘why do girls always want guys who just want to fuck them over? Why don’t they want a nice guyyy like MEEEE.’

Well I don’t know. Look at yourself, there’s probably a reason. Definitely don’t insist it’s because girls only want ‘edgy’ guys. It’s more likely it’s because girls want guys with appropriate boundaries and behaviours.

And whilst I'm sure op is a nice fella. His behaviour is not nice. It's pushy and places responsibility for his feelings onto other people.

Also she literally said ‘I’ll think about it’ and he said ‘but I have a crush on you so I’d appreciate if you told me sooner.’ Like that’s not ‘giving a fuck about her’ any more than the edgy guy.

OP chill your beans. You are overly eager. Scary as hell in fact.
Just meet girls socially and build on how well you both enjoy the same things.
Music eating out walking having a coffee or beer.
I'd run a mile too.
Take.it.easy.what.is.the.hurry?

To suggest that this guy has not behaved in a ‘nice’ way is a stretch.
Saying to a women that ‘you can create something beautiful’ is cringe but it’s not pushy or putting undue pressure on her.

@Derelicthome

To suggest that this guy has not behaved in a ‘nice’ way is a stretch. Saying to a women that ‘you can create something beautiful’ is cringe but it’s not pushy or putting undue pressure on her.

He asked her to confirm they could build on the ‘beautiful thing’ they had together and when she said she wanted to think about it he said but I have a crush on you so I’d appreciate an answer sooner than that.

That’s not nice. It’s embarrassing and pushy when you say you want time to think on something and somebody pushes you. Most people also wouldn’t like feeling railroaded but someone who has ‘such strong feelings’ for you when you’ve known each other a really short time and made it pretty clear that you’re looking for casual dating ie saying sometimes you go off social media, not being immediately available at all times etc.

Pretending that he’s just a nice guy and the problem is that all women want the bad guys isn’t going to help long term. What will actually help is him looking at himself and realising his pushiness and intensity will drive off any woman who knows what a red flag is.

I agree that just being relaxed and confident, working on your self esteem, is what is important. Being intense can feel like overkill and tbh a bit scary. You will be ok.

Look after yourself. Keep yourself fit and healthy, get good hobbies, keep yourself busy and start asking people out on dates in a relaxed way and it will get better.

I read that as a kind of ‘my feelings are in this so please don’t string me along if you’re not interested’ kind of comment.
He said she smiled in response so, so I would take it that she was flattered but not interested.
I mean you are right in that it wasn’t a great thing to say, and won’t endear anyone to him but I don’t think he’s not a nice guy because of this comment.

I had a lovely friend post university very clever - brought a house for £1.3 mil specifically asking women friends like me to help him choose his ideal family home - he wanted a wife and children. Every date he was screening for a wife and she ran a mile - the one girl that didn’t was 40 and foreign and wanted marriage and a baby straight away. 30 years later he’s still single - the reason every single woman was scared off first date - you’re beautiful I’m falling for you - second date how many children do you want - which schools are best. You go on a date - a peck on the cheek at the end is fine and if you are unsure ask her - Is it ok to kiss you? Etc

You're far too intense. You are creeping all these women out. You are probably frightening them too.

Work on your boundaries. You are pushing way too hard.

Work on your understanding of what relationships consist of. It's not what you have been doing and saying and expecting.

If one of my DDs came back from a date and told me the stuff you have been saying I would tell her to never see you or contact you again, and to block you. She would have done all of that already though, because she is my daughter.

@Derelicthome, she smiled in response because women are socialised to be nicey nicey and not punch someone in the gut and run like billy-o or say what they really think for fear of upsetting a man.