Getting rejected by women whilst dating - is there something wrong with me

[tawaanchu]

Hi everyone,

So I am a 24 year old guy who has never been in relationship before. I have never even initiated any kiss or something with anyone and have only asked 3 girls out. I am a very social person and most of my friends are girls but I have been very anxious with girls that I fancy.

The first girl I asked out was my best friend in my high school. I sent her a long message that I have feelings for her etc. She said that she really appreciated me telling her but she did not see me that way. I apologised to her and I went along pretending that i do not care, we are still good friends.

The second girl I asked out was also one of my good friends - she also rejected me saying that she considers me as her best friend and doesn't see me like that. I apologised and promised not to bring them up again in future. We are still very good friends and even her bf now has become my good mate.

The third (and the most recent) girl I asked out was my old school friend. We started talking on instagram, realised that we attended same school, even though we live in different cities. We exchanged numbers and started talking everyday for hours. I got balls this time and I finally told her that I would like to get to know her and see a future with her and she said she enjoys talking to me as well and we could definitely see how things go. However she did warn me that she has phases where she stops talking to everyone at times. I did not take that seriously that time. I asked her on a date and we met after 3 months of continuous talking. I would have done it early but she has some travel trips.

Our first date went okayish, even though I was extremely nervous. However around one week after our first date, she literally disappeared for a week from all social media’s. When she came back and I told her whats wrong, she said she has been having a very hard time with work and it’s not about me at all, she also apologised for acting this way. Gradually texts and calls became less. I recently planned another trip to visit her and I travelled all the way to her city, we spent two days together. We had a great time and even she said it was quite fun. I again did not initiated any kiss with her nor held her hand, I was too nervous and did not want her to be scared or go over my boundaries. At the end of our long date, I asked her that I would like to see her more and we could build on something very beautiful. To this she said that ‘she will think about it’. I also told her that I have a crush on her and would appreciate if she will let me know sooner. She smiled and looked away. She kept texting me for around two days after our second date but then she again ghosted me. It has been over two weeks and she has not replied to me. I also called her couple of times and she did not respond to my calls, even though she is online and active on social media. I have a feeling that she is hiding her instagram / sc stories from and pretending that she is not online - maybe a polite way of rejecting me.

I feel so sad with this incident as I really had strong feelings for her. I am having serious self esteem issues right now. I have never even kissed anyone yet and I see all my friends are in relationships and being loved. Personally I am quite successful in my career, I have just turned 24 and finished uni + post grad, been a first class graduate, won awards academically and got a job at a top world class company.

But I am just so annoyed at myself for not being able to date someone or entering a relationship. I have literally watched relationship videos where they teach dating games and stuff. Despite being decent looking, I spent so much on my physical appearance, started going gym everyday, got good clothes, even paid over 2k on getting my teeth properly aligned. I have even tried online dating, matched with few people but just lost interest as convos went boring and I wasn't very interested in people that I matched.

I have literally so many friends and they all love me and say that I am nicest person they have ever met. I am still a virgin and have to lie to people that I am no longer virgin. I don't think I even know what flirting is. I have never even asked any random girls number in public. I get very scared to make a move because I do not want to come across as creep and weirdo. I grew up with women - my mum and my elder sisters and have had so many female friends and I get very paranoid of coming across being creep or pervert after listening to their stories with their experiences with men. Perhaps this is why I have never made a move on any girl.

It sucks being alone and being rejected from the person I really liked. I just feel so sad and lonely, and I literally hate myself. I do not know if I am just unattractive sexually or what, but I just do not want to be alone anymore.

Relationships and dating are hard, OP, many of us struggle ... you're not alone!

And many of us are late bloomers who started dating and having sex later than many of our friends. That's OK and doesn't have to be a big embarrassment.

I agree that it sounds like you're probably coming on too intensely. I know it's hard not to when you desperately want to love and be loved ... the problem is that I think you have to grow beyond that "desperate" part so you are in a good frame of mind to form a healthy relationship! Then you'll be better placed to take advantage of opportunities.

Have you ever thought about talking to a therapist about why this is difficult and for you, and how you could learn to be less intense about it?

Hey OP, best advice I can give you is to stop trying to date your friends. I was much the same as you until my early 20s.

A lot of female friends, some of whom I had massive crushes on. It wasn't until I went travelling for a year at 21 and started talking to women that weren't already my friends, that I suddenly realised that I was capable of having a relationship with women, but that trying to turn my existing friendships into relationships wasn't the way forward.

To give you an idea of what worked for me, of my four serious relationships, I met one of them in a youth hostel in Australia, and the other 3 were all friends or workmates of friends, that I met down the pub or out clubbing.

Short relationships and one night stands were mostly all randoms down the pub (aside from one who fell asleep and dribbled on my shoulder on a train).

Of the 5 friends I had crushes on in my late teens / early 20s, not one of them turned into so much as a snog. 3 of them were aware that I fancied them, and looking back I probably made them feel fairly uncomfortable.

In short, you're looking in the wrong place. It's been 15 years since I was in the dating game, so I don't know if it's gotten easier or harder with the advent of Tinder etc. but it's got to be easier than trying it on with your mates.

If being alone sucks, get good at that before you try to have a relationship. You're essentially presenting a persona that says 'I'm miserable, please help me.' Would you find that attractive, or would you be more attracted to someone confident and happy?

What do you do, day to day, to improve your sucky single life, other than trying to meet a partner?

Hi all,

Firstly thank you all for your responses, I appreciate these very much!

I guess most of you are right, I come across too intense. For the first 2 girls I asked out, I held back my feelings for so long. Even though we used to go out for coffee and walks , I did not initiate anything and got friendzoned. I was worried that since we attended same college and uni, there was every chance things could have gone awkward. It was only after around a year that I decided to tell them that I have feelings and want them to be my gf, only for them to tell me that they did not see me that way in a very polite and kind manner. I always had serious confidence issues with the girls I liked. I often feel that I am not good enough and get extremely nervous when talking to them in person with the ones I fancy. I am not sure why this happens - maybe because I was bullied a lot in my school that made me low in confidence based on how I look and appear.

I feel so pressurised on dates making them laugh, having a funny conversation, preventing awkward silences etc. However, I am genuinely quite social and confident with others. My female friends (the ones I do not really fancy) also tell me that if I talk to the girls I like the way I talk to them, I could get any girl - not sure if they were just trying to be nice.

With my most recent experience, I told her right after a week of talking that I want to get to know her better and was interested in her. She told me that she felt the same and wants to get to know me better. We literally spent around 3 months of continuous talking, many long night hours of talking to each other. We pretty much talked about everything and know everything about each other. I caught strong feelings in this process and was always looking forward to her calls. However, we only met twice because it was long distance. I noticed our communication went down after our first date. On our first date I was very nervous and there were awkward silences. We later started talking again and she invited me to her city to make plans. I went to her city for over 2 days and she showed me around. I felt so pressured in ensuring that she has a good vibe, keeps laughing and not get bored. I literally paid for all our activites/ food etc. We did have a good time but again I was acting very nervous and insecure. My female best friend suggested me to tell her to see where we stand at the end of our date as I had strong feelings for her. That's why I really wanted to know where we stand and told her. She said she will 'think about it'. We continued to talk on texts for the next few days until she started ghosting me.

I feel quite sad knowing that things did not worked out well with her. I have only been interested in talking to girls with whom I genuinely want to be with for a long term relationship. I have never intended to just chat to girls for fun and hook around but I guess I need to change this. Right now I am just still trying to move on from this girl. I really need to build on my confidence and work on my self esteem, and perhaps talk to different girls before getting serious.

Forget about girls altogether. Sort out your self esteem. What do you do daily that demonstrates your own respect towards yourself? What do you do regularly to make your life something you can feel proud of? Work on this stuff.

You want to be in a situation where a woman spots how self respectful you are, and how you're building a brilliant life for yourself, rather than a situation where you're trying to get a 'girl' to make you feel better. If you know how to make yourself feel better, you won't be so desperate for a 'girl', and you won't have to worry about how you 'come across', because you'll know you've got your act together.

iS THERE anybody whose company you find easy? Somebody who makes you laugh as much as you make her laugh?

I wonder if all these female friends were really friends or if they were women you were hoping would see you as a boyfriend one day.

I agree with others that telling women you have feelings for them before you've gone on any dates is not going to make them feel they can just relax and see where it goes.

send out the message that you're strong and your feelings won't be hurt by a woman rejecting you after a date or two. That might seem counterintuitive but would you want somebody you'd dated once making you responsible for their happiness? It's a bit scary.

I'd suggest trying to date girls where the conversation flows a bit more naturally. Are you only going for the prettiest girls? Go for girls you can relax around. girls who will value you!

All men make this mistake imo. They only notice 5% of the female population and then feel sorry for themselves!

@Watchkeys

Forget about girls altogether. Sort out your self esteem. What do you do daily that demonstrates your own respect towards yourself? What do you do regularly to make your life something you can feel proud of? Work on this stuff.

You want to be in a situation where a woman spots how self respectful you are, and how you're building a brilliant life for yourself, rather than a situation where you're trying to get a 'girl' to make you feel better. If you know how to make yourself feel better, you won't be so desperate for a 'girl', and you won't have to worry about how you 'come across', because you'll know you've got your act together.

@Watchkeys agreed with you totally.

OP - I’ve known a few men as friends over the years. One actually you’d expect him to have lots of girlfriends but he was very skinny naturally and quite insecure about his looks though he was good looking. He dated a few much younger girls mostly because I think he wasn’t sure of women his own age. His best friend on the other hand, Italian but not not that good looking just had a nice, chatty fairly charming way about him, was interested in you as a person and did better with women.

You need to spend more time I think with both women and men as friends and build your self confidence, don’t even think about dating anyone. Pursue your interests and if you do meet a nice woman then ask them out, no dragging it out and not too intense either. Both of those things put people off.

You don't have to date people for hookups. You are looking at two extreme ends of the spectrum, which plays into the intensity thing.

You can date people where it might turn into a relationship, but you're both just getting to know each other and starting on an equal feelings. People do not usually enjoy early dating where you already know the other person has strong feelings for you and don't know if you will match them. It's awkward and creates an imbalance. You need to go on dates with people you don't know that well and see how it goes. That doesn't automatically mean hook ups. Why would it have to?

Download an app and meet whoever swipes on you for coffee. That is it. Get used to the initial phase and if something turns into an actual date great. That is all it is a date - not an interview or audition for a girlfriend. It is just hanging out getting to know them and see how you feel and how they feel. You need to get out of your head.

I totally agree with this. Swipe right on anyone who looks even vaguely interesting. Suggest coffee after a brief conversation. Do that a lot. With most of the women you meet, there probably won’t be a ‘spark’ (just text the next day, saying it was lovely to meet them but you didn’t think there was a connection) but it will help you to get more used to those first date / light conversations.

If there is someone you find more interesting, just tell them at the end of the date that you had fun, and ask if they’d like to meet again.

If you meet and still like them, try to engineer a date where there’s a chance for some physical contact (sitting side by side at a cinema and letting your hand rest near hers, or going for a walk where your hands might brush, nothing major!)

So it went ok in the ‘talking stage’ but then when you met up went a bit off? That can happen. Doesn’t mean you did something wrong, might be that you just didn’t vibe together.

You don’t have to answer this but are there any family/cultural pressures? Are your parents pressuring/other members of your family married younger or something? I think if you take a bit of stress off yourself it would make it all easier. You’ve build it up so much that it doesn’t sound like you’re even enjoying dating! You’re young and free, you’ve got it all ahead of you!

If there is someone you find more interesting, just tell them at the end of the date that you had fun, and ask if they’d like to meet again.

I'd also highlight this and say this is a much more casual and less off putting thing to say than "I'd like to get to know you better". That can feel quite pressurised and like you have a thought out plan.

From your reaction, you sound like you're smart enough to take criticism and try something new, which is great. You're seeing this latest girl as a failure - but if anything it sounds like progress compared with your earlier total non-starters. With any luck you'll progress even further next time.

Next time, don't do long distance. And don't chat online for more than a week. As you found out, waiting months for the first date puts you under great pressure when you finally do so each other. And if you live miles apart then you can't just meet up for a quick coffee. However long you've chatted online, of course a massively long first date can be awkward. After 2 months of real-life dating I was still unsure about whether I should ask my bf on a trip and spend a full 48 hours with him!

I have only been interested in talking to girls with whom I genuinely want to be with for a long term relationship
The only way to find out if you will get on well enough for a long relationship is to date people in the short term. Creating a serious relationship in your head before you have spent any time together is pure fantasy and a very bad idea.

just enjoy life op

You have a lot to learn. I was in my late 20s when I had an epiphany; it dawned on me that I had gotten to my late 20s without having a relationship, and therefore, it was never going to happen. Just think about this one logically; if there aren't any women now who like you romantically, then why would that change in 5 or 10 years time?

After that, I just opted out of the romance game completely. It has made my life a lot simpler, which has benefitted me without question. It's good to have lots of women as friends, but for anything sexual, there are other means for processing that.

Our society constantly tells us we need to be in a relationship. What a lot of people don't realise is that a large minority of men are not built for relationships. That's OK. There is other fulfilment to be found in life.

Best not to try it on with friends, they've already friend zoned you, find a way of meeting women you aren't so familiar with, at least then it's not so awkward if it doesn't work out.

You're missing part of the point.

I'm a normal woman, and I assure you, I am not interested in a hookup or casual fling. I want a relationship. But that doesn't mean every single date I go on needs the pressure of turning into a full blown forever after relationship. If you put that much pressure on it, any possibility will die. Women who also want to be in a relationship are still not going to appreciate you coming across so intense after one or two meetings.

Long distance also rarely works. If you're in an existing relationship and one person temporarily has to live away, that's when it has a chance. Long distance at the very beginning? Rare.

When you're ready to date, you need to look closer to home (dating within a normal distance also takes the pressure off), and you need to find a middle ground of treating each date as something that might hopefully lead to another date, rather than a casual hook up or a marriage. As has been mentioned, don't go to extremes!

Paying for things on a first date can be nice, but a first date should be really cheap like a coffee. Second date onwards? Really most women would be taking their turn or going Dutch. Don't fall down the trap of throwing money at women in an attempt to impress them or get them to feel like they owe you something. If a woman doesn't feel a spark with you, money isn't going to override that.

You are right though that you need to work on your own confidence and self esteem first. No one should need a partner to complete them. A partner should be a choice that enhances an already happy life.

I am not interested in a hookup or casual fling. I want a relationship. But that doesn't mean every single date I go on needs the pressure of turning into a full blown forever after relationship.
Exactly - and how does it even work to start out expecting a LTR? What is the likelihood of both of you knowing before you date that you both want a LTR with the other person, and both being right?

I actually did want a casual fling last time I was on OLD, as I was catching up on some fun after the end of a long marriage. Chose a guy who seemed a great candidate for a fun fling. Still having fun with him 5 years later.

Please don’t listen to @greasyshoes. Of course you don’t have to be in a relationship, but if it’s something you want then assuming you and everyone around you will never, ever change from today until the end of your life is neither realistic nor helpful.

Stop thinking in toxic dating terms like “friend zoned” and start thinking in terms of levels of relationship: there are loads of them, from people you might make laugh in the lift at work to people you’ll see a film with, individuals you’ll share a meal with and others with a spark you’ll build up closeness gradually into a romantic relationship. Not every attractive woman needs (or wants) to be judged as a potential One for you.

I echo everyone else though: make yourself interesting and engaged with your own life, and people will want to be around you. Enjoy those casual coffees! None of us are ever natural daters, I promise.

@greasyshoes

What a lot of people don't realise is that a large minority of men are not built for relationships

What made you realise this yourself?

What made you realise this yourself?

There's that well known survey that came out, that said 28% of American men haven't had sex within the past year. Seems like a substantial minority of men are simply not wanted.

What is exciting and enjoyable when you first get to know someone is the unknown. What might happen, how the other person feels. If one person is declaring intense feelings from the off and pushing for answers, it kills all that initial excitement right off. You’re delivering yourself to these women like a parcel and insisting they keep you. Whereas most women would enjoy guessing what’s in the parcel, unwrapping it when they’re in the mood, and then deciding whether to keep it.

Back off, stop being so intense and develop a fun side to your character. Have you got hobbies and interests, male friends? Being the sole focus of someone’s attention like that so early on would make most people run a mile.

Work on your self esteem and focus on enjoying life. The right person will turn up when you least expect it. Don’t set out to catch and trap a woman, let her come to you in her own good time.

@greasyshoes

You have a lot to learn. I was in my late 20s when I had an epiphany; it dawned on me that I had gotten to my late 20s without having a relationship, and therefore, it was never going to happen. Just think about this one logically; if there aren't any women now who like you romantically, then why would that change in 5 or 10 years time?

After that, I just opted out of the romance game completely. It has made my life a lot simpler, which has benefitted me without question. It's good to have lots of women as friends, but for anything sexual, there are other means for processing that.

Our society constantly tells us we need to be in a relationship. What a lot of people don't realise is that a large minority of men are not built for relationships. That's OK. There is other fulfilment to be found in life.

What do you mean ‘for anything sexual there are other means of processing that ‘ ?

Mig your referring to masterbation, fine, but surely your not promoting using the abusive sex industry and paying women for access to their bodies

OP don’t listen to greasyshoes about ‘a large number of men not being built for relationships ‘
I’ve never heard such nonsense
Men are not some special species eho are built without capacity for relationships , they belong to the human race

Yoh can have a relationship but just maybe don’t focus so much in mixing friendships with relationships
People will complain about being ‘friend zoned ‘ but there’s also such a thing as being ‘fuckzoned ‘ where a person who under the guise of friendship is hoping for a sexual relationships
This frequently happens to women with men who claim to be their friends and a lot of women do not like it
You sound like a nice person ad they day , dating is just like a card game just keep flipping your cards . You’ll get the jokers and the 2 and and the 3s who are not that engaged … eventually you’ll come across the queens . The one who is the match for YOU

Thank you so much everyone for all your advices! This means so much to me, I wish someone had told me these things earlier. It has really given me a new perspective. I need to be more confident, work on my self esteem and not come across as intense.

However right now I really need to forget and move on from the most recent girl I was talking to. At the end of our date I told her I have a crush on her and wanted to know where I stand. I wouldn’t have sought an answer but my feelings were too intense at that stage. We had been talking for 6 months non stop but only went out on two dates - the recent one being spending an entire weekend together. I did tell her though on the date that the fact that she is so beautiful makes me very nervous - she smiled to this. She just kept saying that she will think about it and let me know.

Now it’s been over 2 weeks and she hasn’t told me her ‘answer’ on what she has thought l. We did exchanged texts after the date ( about me reaching home safely and random texts about our lives) but then she has gone quiet. Deep down I feel so sad because I have obviously caught strong feelings for her. I do not know if I should just block her from all my social media or just hang around without any expectations. I just feel very low and sad about this. Probably next time I wouldn’t chat to someone for so long without meeting them but right now it just hurts a lot. I really wanted to be with her and make this work. After reading all the above advices, I also feel quite embarrassed that fact that I came across as intense without realising it. We have many mutuals and it’s likely that she may have told this to our mutual friends etc, making me more red faced.

@greasyshoes - thanks for your advice but it scares me to not to have ability to be in relationship with someone. I really want to get to date people, find the right person and settle down later down the years and build a family.

@greasyshoes

What made you realise this yourself?

There's that well known survey that came out, that said 28% of American men haven't had sex within the past year. Seems like a substantial minority of men are simply not wanted.

That’s not really analysing and thinking about what you’re reading is it Your saying yo yourself that because x amount of men havnt had sex in the last year that must mean c amount of men arnt wanted That isn’t necessarily the reason they havnt had sex . You simply can’t jump to such conclusions . They could be celebrate by choice They could be sick They could be in relationships that’s are both doing well Their partners may be unwell They may simply not have met the right person

If 28 percent of women havnt had sex in the last year , does that mean 28 percent of women are not wanted ?