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Original poster

Getting rejected by women whilst dating - is there something wrong with me

130 replies

tawaanchu · 13/03/2022 22:37

Hi everyone,

So I am a 24 year old guy who has never been in relationship before. I have never even initiated any kiss or something with anyone and have only asked 3 girls out. I am a very social person and most of my friends are girls but I have been very anxious with girls that I fancy.

The first girl I asked out was my best friend in my high school. I sent her a long message that I have feelings for her etc. She said that she really appreciated me telling her but she did not see me that way. I apologised to her and I went along pretending that i do not care, we are still good friends.

The second girl I asked out was also one of my good friends - she also rejected me saying that she considers me as her best friend and doesn't see me like that. I apologised and promised not to bring them up again in future. We are still very good friends and even her bf now has become my good mate.

The third (and the most recent) girl I asked out was my old school friend. We started talking on instagram, realised that we attended same school, even though we live in different cities. We exchanged numbers and started talking everyday for hours. I got balls this time and I finally told her that I would like to get to know her and see a future with her and she said she enjoys talking to me as well and we could definitely see how things go. However she did warn me that she has phases where she stops talking to everyone at times. I did not take that seriously that time. I asked her on a date and we met after 3 months of continuous talking. I would have done it early but she has some travel trips.

Our first date went okayish, even though I was extremely nervous. However around one week after our first date, she literally disappeared for a week from all social media’s. When she came back and I told her whats wrong, she said she has been having a very hard time with work and it’s not about me at all, she also apologised for acting this way. Gradually texts and calls became less. I recently planned another trip to visit her and I travelled all the way to her city, we spent two days together. We had a great time and even she said it was quite fun. I again did not initiated any kiss with her nor held her hand, I was too nervous and did not want her to be scared or go over my boundaries. At the end of our long date, I asked her that I would like to see her more and we could build on something very beautiful. To this she said that ‘she will think about it’. I also told her that I have a crush on her and would appreciate if she will let me know sooner. She smiled and looked away. She kept texting me for around two days after our second date but then she again ghosted me. It has been over two weeks and she has not replied to me. I also called her couple of times and she did not respond to my calls, even though she is online and active on social media. I have a feeling that she is hiding her instagram / sc stories from and pretending that she is not online - maybe a polite way of rejecting me.

I feel so sad with this incident as I really had strong feelings for her. I am having serious self esteem issues right now. I have never even kissed anyone yet and I see all my friends are in relationships and being loved. Personally I am quite successful in my career, I have just turned 24 and finished uni + post grad, been a first class graduate, won awards academically and got a job at a top world class company.

But I am just so annoyed at myself for not being able to date someone or entering a relationship. I have literally watched relationship videos where they teach dating games and stuff. Despite being decent looking, I spent so much on my physical appearance, started going gym everyday, got good clothes, even paid over 2k on getting my teeth properly aligned. I have even tried online dating, matched with few people but just lost interest as convos went boring and I wasn't very interested in people that I matched.

I have literally so many friends and they all love me and say that I am nicest person they have ever met. I am still a virgin and have to lie to people that I am no longer virgin. I don't think I even know what flirting is. I have never even asked any random girls number in public. I get very scared to make a move because I do not want to come across as creep and weirdo. I grew up with women - my mum and my elder sisters and have had so many female friends and I get very paranoid of coming across being creep or pervert after listening to their stories with their experiences with men. Perhaps this is why I have never made a move on any girl.

It sucks being alone and being rejected from the person I really liked. I just feel so sad and lonely, and I literally hate myself. I do not know if I am just unattractive sexually or what, but I just do not want to be alone anymore.

OP posts:

Littlebylittlelittle · 16/03/2022 19:45

@ravenmum

These men are likely to be married I heard the opposite explanation - that people are marrying later. These days men are more likely to just be having short relationships with breaks in between when in their 20s. In the olden days they'd have been going to bed with their wives every night. Women tend to marry at a slightly earlier age, so the number of young women having regular sex is a bit higher. And the population is getting older. The number of men aged 65 and older has shot up. So there are more who want less sex, or can't get it up as easily!

Yes all jokes aside that is the reason . Later marriage longer education etc . There’s research on it . I posted earlier in thread about this

Littlebylittlelittle · 16/03/2022 19:49

@Kanaloa

It has always been that the girls I didn’t like, wanted me whilst the ones I liked, pushed me away.

That’s interesting. Is there any other way to split these categories? Are you only interested in girls with certain looks while rejecting the thought of anyone else? That’s something I commonly see in certain groups online and although they insist they ‘can’t get a girlfriend’ it’s because they’re trying to hook up with a Scarlet Johansson while being no Chris Hemsworth themselves, and think girls are bitchy/friendzoning them/unfair when actually they themselves wouldn’t look at a girl who doesn’t meet those physical attributes.

Just thinking back to you saying to the girl she’s beautiful and you’re really nervous/caught strong feelings after two dates etc. It sounds like you might be fixated on looks. Because realistically there’s no way you’re actually ‘catching strong feelings’ for women you’ve never dated/dated briefly. At best it’s a rush of lust/excitement.

I found that bit interesting too So OP you do have girls who have been interested in you in the past but you havnt lord them Why is that What was the difference between the girls you are wanting and those that like you

greasyshoes · 16/03/2022 22:05

@Littlebylittlelittle

But that’s not actually a story about some change in sexual politics; instead, it’s a story about the modern knowledge economy, and to some extent exorbitant housing costs. As such, it’s no surprise that rising sexlessness is being observed in many countries.

That doesn't change the fact that a large minority of men are finding it difficult to have sex.

TopCatsTopHat · 16/03/2022 22:15

Yes, don't hunt women!... relate to them as another human being instead. When you have a genuine interest in a person (not just identify a potential sex partner target) a connection is there. All any person wants is to be appreciated for who they are and be with someone who understands and enjoys them. It's really not complicated.

aSofaNearYou · 16/03/2022 22:19

You just don't seem to get that you are projecting how YOU feel and presenting it as fact. Not all men would be happier that way.

And as others have said, there are lots of reasons a certain amount of men aren't having sex (including the fact that they may not actually want to) other than just them being unanimously undesirable.

Kanaloa · 16/03/2022 22:21

[quote greasyshoes]@Littlebylittlelittle

That doesn't change the fact that a large minority of men are finding it difficult to have sex.

Watching TV all the time would lead you to believe that all men have sex all the time, which is laughably untrue for almost all men. If men accept the possibility that they may never have a relationship, and stop pursuing women, they immediately become a lot happier. The reason why this guy is so intense is because he is pursuing women.[/quote]
Depends on what you watch really. It’s also interesting that you equate ‘pursuing women’ with only having sex. Maybe some of those 28% are in relationships. Maybe married. Maybe their partner is pregnant or ill or has become disabled. Maybe they’re busy parents - I’m sure there was a portion of my kids lives when very small that DH and I didn’t have sex often.

The problem is you seem to think nobody can be happy if they’re not having sex ‘all the time’ and that the only way someone could be not having sex is that they aren’t having any luck ‘pursuing women.’

And honestly I don’t think the answer is for men to ‘accept they’ll never have a relationship.’ Maybe look at why you find it impossible to find someone willing to have a relationship with you and change yourself accordingly. Perhaps your standards are impossible or unfair, perhaps your attitude is unpleasant in some way. If it’s one person it’s one person - if it’s everybody, it’s probably you.

greasyshoes · 16/03/2022 22:28

Maybe married. Maybe their partner is pregnant or ill or has become disabled. Maybe they’re busy parents - I’m sure there was a portion of my kids lives when very small that DH and I didn’t have sex often.

Possibilities to be considered. The problem is, all of those fall apart once you find out that the same survey found that 18% of American women haven't had sex in the past year. So you need to account for the difference of 10% between men and women.

Maybe look at why you find it impossible to find someone willing to have a relationship with you and change yourself accordingly. Perhaps your standards are impossible or unfair, perhaps your attitude is unpleasant in some way. If it’s one person it’s one person - if it’s everybody, it’s probably you.

I don't have "standards" (very strange word to use- makes it sound as if I'm assessing women or something). Women wouldn't know if I'm unpleasant either because they've never spoke to me. Most of it is probably just due to being ugly. So I stopped trying many years ago, when I was in late 20s. That's just the reality of life, many men don't have relationships. It's better to accept realities rather than thinking life is a TV show or movie.

Original poster

tawaanchu · 16/03/2022 22:36

I did not pursue them because I used to believe that I should only date those girls with whom I have caught feelings for and genuinely the ones that I viewed as long term partner. With the girls who kinda used to like me and give me all their attention, I just did not have any feelings for them, I have literally been in situations where we have held hands, cuddled and I’m pretty sure they even leaned for a kiss, but I did not kiss them thinking there’s no point in leading them on when I didn’t have ‘feelings’ for them. I just did not want to lead them on or dump and hurt their feelings at the end. With these girls I literally was so confident, made them laugh all the time and was just being myself without any pressure.

Romantic movies followed my high level self esteem issues when I’m around girls I fancy really ruined it for me. I also thought dating to be expensive, like taking them out for meals and paying for it, organising birthdays, etc, I was busy with building my career and only asked the 3 girls out with whom I had strong feelings for. Reading the comments above make me feel so stupid, I only wish I had told these things before

OP posts:

Kanaloa · 16/03/2022 22:47

But surely you know any ‘strong feelings’ you have for someone before you even know them aren’t real feelings? I think that’s an important issue here because if you think you can (or have to) fall in love with someone before you’ve gone on a date with them it’s no wonder you’ve struggled.

Kanaloa · 16/03/2022 22:50

It’s not that strange a word to use for someone who has repeatedly talked about ‘pursuing women’ rather than, I don’t know, ‘meeting someone’ or ‘starting a relationship.’

I’m sorry but I really don’t believe it’s ‘due to just being ugly.’ I think you sort of sound like you’ve fallen into possibly a Reddit frame of mind where the only reason possible for never having had a relationship is because women don’t find you attractive and it can’t possibly be anything to do with you as a person.

And you also sound very fixated on the sexual side with an unwillingness to understand that of those 28% of people not having sex, it isn’t a given that they were not in relationships.

Kanaloa · 16/03/2022 22:50

Also, no woman has ever spoken to you ever in life? I mean that sounds like an issue itself, do you socialise much?

Kanaloa · 16/03/2022 22:53

How many people were surveyed and from what group? Was the survey repeated across states and groups? Was there a good mix of ages, race etc?

I imagine there could be many reasons why this one survey doesn’t justify your theory that men should just give up ‘pursuing women’ because they’ll likely never get into a relationship anyway.

Littlebylittlelittle · 16/03/2022 23:49

[quote greasyshoes]@Littlebylittlelittle

That doesn't change the fact that a large minority of men are finding it difficult to have sex.

Watching TV all the time would lead you to believe that all men have sex all the time, which is laughably untrue for almost all men. If men accept the possibility that they may never have a relationship, and stop pursuing women, they immediately become a lot happier. The reason why this guy is so intense is because he is pursuing women.[/quote]
That’s an easy solve … don’t watch so much tv
Then you won’t fill your head with false ideas and fantasy
Instead read actual data and facts if you want to know what reality
What does it matter if a large amount of men or women are not having sex because of later marriage and the economy
What’s the issue ?
Life changes. The world changes .
It’s no different to a woman who wants to get married young coming in and composing that lots of young women don’t marry young anymore . No they don’t … and ??? So what ???
Life changes… the world spins

Littlebylittlelittle · 16/03/2022 23:52

@greasyshoes

What kanoloa says is important
Why do you think having sex is so important ? Why do you think the answer is men accepting they will never have a relationship
This is extremely black and white thinking

Littlebylittlelittle · 16/03/2022 23:55

@greasyshoes
‘
Maybe married. Maybe their partner is pregnant or ill or has become disabled. Maybe they’re busy parents - I’m sure there was a portion of my kids lives when very small that DH and I didn’t have sex often.

You’re missing the point . It doesn’t matter one bit
Access to sex is easier for women . But that doesn’t mean all men who are not having sex are unwanted . That’s a really childish silly way of jumping to conclusions

If more men over 40 are getting dates than women over 40 does that mean every woman over 40 who didn’t go in a date last year is unwanted ?

Littlebylittlelittle · 16/03/2022 23:56

@greasyshoes

How old are you ?

mathanxiety · 17/03/2022 00:04

What exactly do you mean by 'catching feelings'?

Why do you think you need to make women laugh all the time?

You seem not to realise that the women you have the hots for are people just like the women you feel no attraction to. You see them as blank canvases onto which you project all your hopes and dreams and you wonder what the problem is when they very predictably recoil from you.

greasyshoes · 17/03/2022 00:05

If more men over 40 are getting dates than women over 40 does that mean every woman over 40 who didn’t go in a date last year is unwanted ?

Not every woman.

How old are you ?

30s.

Readytopop2022x · 17/03/2022 00:32

@tawaanchu

You need to work on yourself from the inside. You can spend all the money possible to work on your appearance. But you sound like you need to work on your confidence, self worth and self esteem! Good luck xxx

Littlebylittlelittle · 17/03/2022 01:41

@greasyshoes

If more men over 40 are getting dates than women over 40 does that mean every woman over 40 who didn’t go in a date last year is unwanted ?

Not every woman.

How old are you ?

30s.

Not every woman ! Exactly ! So why is that any different for men not having sex ? Why should they all be considered unwanted or give up ?

cherrysthename · 17/03/2022 06:41

Urgh there's no worse feeling than when a male friend turns around and tries to initiate something with you. It makes you feel duped, question the whole friendship and wonder if they were pretending to genuinely like you all along or if they just wanted to get in your pants. Obviously somethings things can naturally progress, but as a rule: your friendships should not be your dating pool.
Some people have suggested to stop seeking a partner. But I would say the opposite. You need to actively date. Meaning, look to dating sites where other people are also actively looking to find someone.
BUT make sure you are ready. Emotionally, not physically. It's not about the way you look, it's not about academic success. The way you mention these aspects errs on the side of...well I picked up incel vibes and the whiff of entitlement. Make sure you're emotionally equipped to date before you take the plunge, as some of the language you use does sound a bit immature ('it sucks', 'I told her I had a crush on her', referring to 'girls')- sorry!
And just loosen up. You may meet someone organically IRL but stop contriving everything as if you're the lead in a romcom, saying the right things, making funny quips etc.

cherrysthename · 17/03/2022 06:42

Sometimes* not somethings

Hrpuffnstuff1 · 17/03/2022 07:23

Someone mentioned Chris Hemsworth, if you look like him, then you'll definitely not have a problem.

Marmelace · 17/03/2022 07:51

You really should write a book, you put so much into these posts, always extremely long, but totally familiar style of writing. Kudos.

Horological · 17/03/2022 08:02

Your writing style is very distinctive.
It’s quite old fashioned or perhaps you have grown up in a different culture from the one you are living in now. This could explain why you haven’t picked up on how dating behaviour works.

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