Getting rejected by women whilst dating - is there something wrong with me

[tawaanchu]

Hi everyone,

So I am a 24 year old guy who has never been in relationship before. I have never even initiated any kiss or something with anyone and have only asked 3 girls out. I am a very social person and most of my friends are girls but I have been very anxious with girls that I fancy.

The first girl I asked out was my best friend in my high school. I sent her a long message that I have feelings for her etc. She said that she really appreciated me telling her but she did not see me that way. I apologised to her and I went along pretending that i do not care, we are still good friends.

The second girl I asked out was also one of my good friends - she also rejected me saying that she considers me as her best friend and doesn't see me like that. I apologised and promised not to bring them up again in future. We are still very good friends and even her bf now has become my good mate.

The third (and the most recent) girl I asked out was my old school friend. We started talking on instagram, realised that we attended same school, even though we live in different cities. We exchanged numbers and started talking everyday for hours. I got balls this time and I finally told her that I would like to get to know her and see a future with her and she said she enjoys talking to me as well and we could definitely see how things go. However she did warn me that she has phases where she stops talking to everyone at times. I did not take that seriously that time. I asked her on a date and we met after 3 months of continuous talking. I would have done it early but she has some travel trips.

Our first date went okayish, even though I was extremely nervous. However around one week after our first date, she literally disappeared for a week from all social media’s. When she came back and I told her whats wrong, she said she has been having a very hard time with work and it’s not about me at all, she also apologised for acting this way. Gradually texts and calls became less. I recently planned another trip to visit her and I travelled all the way to her city, we spent two days together. We had a great time and even she said it was quite fun. I again did not initiated any kiss with her nor held her hand, I was too nervous and did not want her to be scared or go over my boundaries. At the end of our long date, I asked her that I would like to see her more and we could build on something very beautiful. To this she said that ‘she will think about it’. I also told her that I have a crush on her and would appreciate if she will let me know sooner. She smiled and looked away. She kept texting me for around two days after our second date but then she again ghosted me. It has been over two weeks and she has not replied to me. I also called her couple of times and she did not respond to my calls, even though she is online and active on social media. I have a feeling that she is hiding her instagram / sc stories from and pretending that she is not online - maybe a polite way of rejecting me.

I feel so sad with this incident as I really had strong feelings for her. I am having serious self esteem issues right now. I have never even kissed anyone yet and I see all my friends are in relationships and being loved. Personally I am quite successful in my career, I have just turned 24 and finished uni + post grad, been a first class graduate, won awards academically and got a job at a top world class company.

But I am just so annoyed at myself for not being able to date someone or entering a relationship. I have literally watched relationship videos where they teach dating games and stuff. Despite being decent looking, I spent so much on my physical appearance, started going gym everyday, got good clothes, even paid over 2k on getting my teeth properly aligned. I have even tried online dating, matched with few people but just lost interest as convos went boring and I wasn't very interested in people that I matched.

I have literally so many friends and they all love me and say that I am nicest person they have ever met. I am still a virgin and have to lie to people that I am no longer virgin. I don't think I even know what flirting is. I have never even asked any random girls number in public. I get very scared to make a move because I do not want to come across as creep and weirdo. I grew up with women - my mum and my elder sisters and have had so many female friends and I get very paranoid of coming across being creep or pervert after listening to their stories with their experiences with men. Perhaps this is why I have never made a move on any girl.

It sucks being alone and being rejected from the person I really liked. I just feel so sad and lonely, and I literally hate myself. I do not know if I am just unattractive sexually or what, but I just do not want to be alone anymore.

You have the over thinking / trying to hard problem.

Download an app and meet whoever swipes on you for coffee. That is it. Get used to the initial phase and if something turns into an actual date great. That is all it is a date - not an interview or audition for a girlfriend. It is just hanging out getting to know them and see how you feel and how they feel. You need to get out of your head.

You can also ask friends to be honest with you. Get them to give you tips as they know you and know likely what is leading to the intensity and how it is coming through.

Exactly. When I was younger if a man started flirting with me or being creepy in public I would ‘smile and say nothing’ too. Because saying ‘I have already given you my answer, which was that I need to think about it. You are making me uncomfortable by pushing your feelings and not acknowledging my response’ makes you a ‘bitch’ who ‘doesn’t appreciate nice guys.’

OP a date does not indicate marriage and kids or even a relationship 😱

Try online dating - keep it casual.

These things are a skill - some people are naturally good at dating and others need to work on it. You need to practice.

Despite what people say, you might not get an immediate connection but give them a chance- who knows what will happen

As others say, You need to dial back the intensity and try to relax, and don’t take rejection personally, people will reject you and you will reject people, that’s just life.
And don’t worry about being a virgin it’s no big deal , and try not get paranoid about not be in a relationship, your really young,, concentrate on work and having fun.

There are some harsh comments here! In the nicest way you are being overly intense and being worryingly keen after a couple of dates. I think your keenness to be in a relationship is overriding your common sense. You are basically trying far too hard x

Can I just say, no one gives a crap about degrees, postgrad, or awards!
Even Stephen Hawking was married fgs.
All people have is first impressions, learn how to communicate, that's the key. You also need more exposure, more options. Plus don't take rejection to heart. Women scold men in relationships all the time, get used to it.

@MaryAndHerNet

That’s the only way I could think of that you could ask out a hundred women in a week.

There was a cartoon called King Of The Hill a long time back. Boomhaur was a 'ladies man' and they showed him once teaching Bobby how he did it.
He just went to the shoe department of a mall and asked every woman for their number. It always stuck with me.

Boomhaur's thing stuck with me.

Thong!!!

@AnnesBrokenSlate

Please don't ask out 100 people per week. That would make you seem like a scammy pick-up artist. The other PPs are right. You're too intense. And you're swinging from creepily intense (beautiful future- needing an answer) to disinterested friend zone (not even asking if you can hold their hand on a second date). If you're surrounded by women, you should ask them what they think. Not in a 'woe is me' way because then they'll just try to reassure you but in a 'what I'm doing isn't working - any suggestions?' Also coming to MN for advice on this is a bit odd. This isn't where guys in their twenties hang out.

Who made you the forum police? He came on here to ask women what he is doing wrong. He can post wherever he likes. Get off your high horse

Op you've had some really good advice on here. I wish you all the luck. You sound like a nice person. Yes you are coming across as too intense too early and that would definitely put me off. Luckily it is something you can work on.

This is all quite intense OP.

I think you are going wrong in a number of ways. One is that you keep going after your friends. If they don't see you that way, they don't see you that way. That's probable amongst your friends.

Another is that you're quite shy so you're not really giving out much of a vibe or as you say, making any moves, and then you're asking them to commit to building something serious with you. Tbh I would have no idea if I wanted to build something like that with someone if we hadn't even kissed yet.

My advice to you would be to get on some online dating apps to build your confidence. You may or may not find a serious connection there but what you will find is other people that are interested in a romantic connection, so you don't need to deal with the fear that that would be crossing boundaries and something they aren't interested in. Cut out the middle man, date around and build your confidence.

You're coming off too intense and insincere.

Pay attention to your boundaries and the boundaries of other people.
Don't strike up friendships with women in hopes it will turn to more later. It's dishonest. You're better off just ask them on a date.

Learn to read body language and social cues.
Make sure your match efforts of the other person.
You being overly keen and them lukewarm and you not seeing that in them makes you come off creepy.

As a general rule of thumb, obsessive desire towards another person is usually considered creepy. Hollywood portrays intense desire as flattering or even admirable. But in real life, if you can’t leave someone else alone, you are a creep.

If you care more about being with them than you care about whether they want to be around you, you’re being creepy.

If you focus on how they make you feel without considering how your behaviors make them feel, you’re a creep.

If you think of another person as a means to get what you want without thinking at all about who they are as a person or what they’d want, you’re a creep.

If you are behaving in any way in which you don’t think about and respect the feelings and wishes of the other person, you’re a creep.

If you want to stop being a creep, stop thinking about yourself and start thinking about the other person.

You have voiced an interest in 3 women in real life.

2 of those women had shown no signs of being interested in you, so were already a massive long shot. The chances of them being interested were extremely low. You gave it a try, and it didn't pay off, but that was not a surprise.

You have dated 1 woman. When you met, it didn't work out. That's how most dates go.

The person saying you should date 100 people was obviously exaggerating. But the general idea is quite right. Over a period of what - 6 years? - you have dated 1 (one) woman who showed signs of interest. Statistically speaking, the chances of you getting a girlfriend out of that dating approach are practically zero.

For comparison, the last time I did online dating, I exchanged messages with maybe 6 men. I had real-life dates with 3 men. I continued to date 1 man. So two-thirds of the dates did not end up as a relationship. And three dates is nothing. Many people date dozens of potential partners before finding enyone they are interested in at all.

However she did warn me that she has phases where she stops talking to everyone at times. I did not take that seriously that time.
If someone told me this, I would think "Maybe this person is bipolar or suffers from bouts of anxiety or depression". Were you curious at all about what she meant? Did you ask why she has those phases? I wonder if you are so caught up in worrying about your own insecurities that you forget that other people have their own problems. To other people, that can make you appear self-obsessed and uninterested in them. And it's a vicious circle to you - if you constantly think that a date not working out is all about your issues, and not about the other person, then you'll get even more obsessed about what you are doing wrong. And that will again make you more inward-looking and less empathetic to others.

My advice would be to stop looking for the love of your life. Try OLD again, but this time think of the goal as finding someone you could go out to see a band with at the weekend. Stop having great long conversations, as most conversations with total strangers via text are going to get pretty boring after a while. And you've seen what happens when you build up a fake rapport and start imagining you have deep feelings for someone you have never met.

Exchange three or four messages then ask if they want to meet for a quick coffee. Have a nice coffee with them, be friendly, smile, and see if they smile back. Ask them about themselves, and if they tell you something, think about what they said and ask them more about it. Say it was lovely meeting them. Then go home. If you fancy another date, write a message a few hours later saying you had a nice time, and would they fancy going to see this band at the weekend. If you don't fancy another date, write and say that you had a great time but you didn't think there seemed to be a spark between you, so you wish them all the best with their future dates. Then go and see the band with your mates, and have a good time. It will be something fun to tell your next date.

I have literally watched relationship videos where they teach dating games and stuff

Stop doing this. Even if your intentions are good, you will likely start stumbling across pick up artist videos and articles which will teach you some seriously bad habits and expectations.

I think your mind is racing way ahead with every woman you meet and you need to rein it in. Develop yourself in the round, for the sake of having a full, interesting life, not being the 'perfect man on paper'. That is to say, as well as your qualifications, career and appearance, what interests do you have? What causes or hobbies are you passionate about? For one thing, you may meet women through shared interests, and for another, you will have more to talk about and get some perspective.

There is nothing wrong with being a virgin. You don't need to advertise your sexual experience if you don't want but don't lie to women about it. They will think 'what else is he lying about?'.

Try and take the pressure off. Join an app and have a few simple coffee dates, see where it goes, if someone isn't for you then let them know politely: say thanks for the date but you're not going to continue with them. If it goes well then don't jump in with big declarations, just continue seeing them if they wish, and getting to know each other.

I don't think your 3 female friends rejecting you suggests anything wrong with you other than they saw you as a friend by that time. If you like someone, act sooner before you get too invested.

stop trying to date your friend.
read up on boundaries.
learn about body language
and stop using such intense language on the 1st or 2nd date.
stop thinking everyone is a potential wife before you have had a chance to get to know them
join a gym/go swimming/cycing. have some hobbies and learn to talk to people naturally.
good luck

I don’t know you OP, so I won’t offer any comment on how you act, but I can tell you that women tend to find male friends who come onto them incredibly annoying and disappointing. As a woman it often feels like you can’t have a male friend without them getting other ideas, so when another one starts wanting more it’s just one of those ‘oh FFS’ moments. Stop cracking onto your friends and try online dating, because your female friends won’t thank you for trying it on with them.

There are very few women who would want to be serious that quickly. These are:

1. People who need a visa
2. People who are very religious and don’t believe in sex before marriage- and I. Those cases you’d better get yourself to church and be prepared to be vetted by her parents.
3. People who are desperate for a baby and only want you for your child production capabilities.

You need to relax. Go out, talk to people.

If you meet someone and seem to get on, check they are single and ask them if they might like to go for a meal with you next week. If yes, get their number and text the next day to fix a time/date. Do not mention marriage or long term plans for at least 4 months or regular dating. Spend most of the time asking about them and showing an interest in their lives.

If they say no, smile sincerely and say ‘worth a chance, have a Good evening’ and move on.

Never be heard moaning about women - it just looks bad. And be prepared to help any woman who needs help.

You sounds a little bit you see yourself very much as “Mr Nice Guy” and consequently entitled. You talk about how much time and effort you put in as if perhaps you feel you’re owed something in return?

Telling someone to give you a fast answer is a good example of this.

I imagine if you’ve watched pick-up videos you’re going about it the wrong way. You are probably lovely but reverting to online advice in all the wrong places smacks of potential incel influence.

Long messages declaring your feelings and saying you can see a future with someone are too intense at first. It can scare women off.

Honestly....women love confidence. Also approach potential relationships with an attitude that you will not be devastated if it doesn't work out. Yeah, you like her, but plenty of fish in the sea you know. It sounds a bit counter intuitive but when men come across as too keen, it can be off putting.

@Peachtoiletpaper

I have literally watched relationship videos where they teach dating games and stuff

Stop doing this. Even if your intentions are good, you will likely start stumbling across pick up artist videos and articles which will teach you some seriously bad habits and expectations.

I think your mind is racing way ahead with every woman you meet and you need to rein it in. Develop yourself in the round, for the sake of having a full, interesting life, not being the 'perfect man on paper'. That is to say, as well as your qualifications, career and appearance, what interests do you have? What causes or hobbies are you passionate about? For one thing, you may meet women through shared interests, and for another, you will have more to talk about and get some perspective.

There is nothing wrong with being a virgin. You don't need to advertise your sexual experience if you don't want but don't lie to women about it. They will think 'what else is he lying about?'.

Try and take the pressure off. Join an app and have a few simple coffee dates, see where it goes, if someone isn't for you then let them know politely: say thanks for the date but you're not going to continue with them. If it goes well then don't jump in with big declarations, just continue seeing them if they wish, and getting to know each other.

I don't think your 3 female friends rejecting you suggests anything wrong with you other than they saw you as a friend by that time. If you like someone, act sooner before you get too invested.

great advice x

I think people who ask this question always get accused of being too intense...and I don't think that takes into account why he's writing the post.

If you don't feel being too intense fits you please don't dwell on it as theres every possibility that it's just not true.

It sounds like you've got friend zoned. You clearly are great at having friendships with females so I think you'd be great in a relationship. Why not try asking someone out before you make friends with them. Someone who you are instantly attracted to? I'm not saying this is the answer...maybe just give it a go.

You're concentrating too much on relationships.

You should go out and have fun, relax, concentrate on your life and hobbies.

I'm a bit older than you but when I see younger men (friends) in relationships there are 2 camps - the ones that have their own lives (a couple of guys I know were in a band, studying, now have jobs) and one who has his own life, career etc but seems a bit clingy with his current girlfriend (she doesn't seem to mind) and people who don't have or seem to have many interests.

@HowlongWillThisTakeNow

As others say, You need to dial back the intensity and try to relax, and don’t take rejection personally, people will reject you and you will reject people, that’s just life. And don’t worry about being a virgin it’s no big deal , and try not get paranoid about not be in a relationship, your really young,, concentrate on work and having fun.

Yes, this and other pps advice. You have built up the idea of a girlfriend in your mind to the point that this is the focus, rather than just taking time to get to know people, and not really worrying about what happens next. I do sympathise, I have had friends who have become similarly obsessed, when they started to feel anxious about being the only single one. I made a terrible choice of first boyfriend when I was also in your position in my twenties. It can seem as though everyone else is paired off . The reality is that many of your friends in relationships now will have break ups and heartbreak and start dating again . As everyone is saying, take the pressure off. Don’t approach every woman you like as though she might be the love of your life. It takes a long time to get to know people, to trust and to build intimacy. You are letting your anxiety take all the fun out of this, and giving other people responsibility for your happiness. Learn to feel happy with being single, it has lots of advantages. Approach dates as just a date, don’t give them so much weight and importance, as that isn’t fair on either of you.

I made a terrible choice of first boyfriend when I was also in your position in my twenties
Mine wasn't terrible but I definitely should not have married him! Really wish I'd been a bit more laid back at the time and tried out a few more. Sticking with the first person you have any success with is a huge risk when you're in OP's position!