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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DH and the friends issue

127 replies

Finallyreachedmylimit · 13/03/2022 09:36

DH has always been very sociable, me less so. After dc were born and we could no longer socialise together as much I made an effort to try to carve out some friends of my own as I only really had one person I met up with on a regular basis.

Trouble is DH is almost suffocating with my female friendships. He is all over them (not in a sexual way) every time, he declares they're "his friends too" and demands to be involved in everything. He gets very het up and agitated when he's not invited say to a women only lunch/dinner ranting about why he's not been included. He's screamed at me before about why I've "taken his friends away from him". When they come round he literally doesn't let me speak, because I won't raise my voice or interrupt I just can't get a word in so just sit there quietly watching him hold the floor. DDS best friends mum is lovely and I get on well with her but he just won't allow me the breathing space to develop that friendship as he feels she's also "his" friend. It's all got very petty and silly.

When friends come round they do comment on how animated he is and how he never stops talking. I feel I've retreated into a shell of myself and become very quiet and boring, I feel like I've nothing to say as it's exhausting. I am mentally exhausted from coping with him generally to be honest, just completing the essential tasks each day to just get through as everything feels too much. I hate myself for it as I used to be quite busy and productive.

His ranty overly talkative behaviour is a lot worse since the pandemic and WFH, his job is isolative and quiet. He has no intention of ever working in an office again so he's here all the time. I do go out to work and stay later than I need to. Just to get some space. He was far less agitated when he went to an office and spoke to people.
Don't know what I'm asking really, just wanted to get it out. It's getting too much, he's lost any semblance of self awareness so there's no point trying to talk to him about it.

OP posts:
Wiredforsound · 13/03/2022 09:45

Does he have any friends of his own? Is he possessive of you? It seems really odd. My DP is polite and friendly when my friends come round, but after about 10 minutes he clears off to do his own thing, and vice versa. I can’t imagine sitting with him and his friends for 2 hours. That would drive me nuts.

Gooders1105 · 13/03/2022 09:48

This isn’t good. You are allowed to have your own friends. I would meet them out of the house and NOT invite him. Or every time he interrupted me, say ‘I was talking. I’ll let you know when I’ve finished what I was going to say’. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.
Failing that, make plans to leave to find yourself again.

Finallyreachedmylimit · 13/03/2022 09:50

He's got loads of mates! He's also very firm about what "their" activities are, I'd never dream of going to the pub with his crew or out cycling. I don't want to! Also when they come round for coffee I chat briefly and say hi then leave them to it. I have asked that he doesn't have his friends round drinking late into the evening, drinking and becoming increasingly loud and shouting. It's intrusive and both DC hate it. They can go to the pub to do that!

OP posts:
HelenWick · 13/03/2022 09:51

"When friends come round they do comment on how animated he is and how he never stops talking." They think he is a twat, clearly.

Clymene · 13/03/2022 09:52

Oh god what a controlling smothering knob. Don't have them round. Meet them out.

They can't bear him so you'll lose them if you keep pandering to him

FullBush · 13/03/2022 09:54

He sounds incredibly tedious and domineering. Is this new behaviour since WFH or has he always been like this with friendships / people visiting?

If you don’t find your voice, then this is your life forever? Did you grow up with a domineering parent(s)?

Finallyreachedmylimit · 13/03/2022 09:54

@HelenWick

"When friends come round they do comment on how animated he is and how he never stops talking." They think he is a twat, clearly.
Not really, they always talk about how funny etc he is as well. I think because they've known him a long time they can see the change in him as he's so agitated. One friend has gone off him, mainly due to how he'll snap at me in front of her. So I just go to hers now instead. In company he is very intense, in fact he's very intense generally with his long ranty monologues
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Waitingwaiting3 · 13/03/2022 09:55

He doesn’t sound great, OP. This stood out to me, it’s not normal behaviour:

He gets very het up and agitated when he's not invited say to a women only lunch/dinner ranting about why he's not been included. He's screamed at me before about why I've "taken his friends away from him". When they come round he literally doesn't let me speak, because I won't raise my voice or interrupt I just can't get a word in so just sit there quietly watching him hold the floor.

Do his friends actually like him?

Do you want to stay with him?

CavernousScream · 13/03/2022 09:55

This sounds like it’s a bigger problem than him talking too much to your friends. You stay out of the house to avoid him. Do you actually want to be with him? Do you still have any fun together?

FullBush · 13/03/2022 09:55

Adding to that.. I know this word is bandied about a lot these days, but these are very narcissistic traits.

Does he have any redeeming qualities?

LittleSnakes · 13/03/2022 09:56

That’s very controlling of him. How is the rest of your relationship?

FurStories · 13/03/2022 09:57

Just so odd. Why would a grown man pull a strop because he’s not invited to a ladies’ lunch? Beyond odd. Whatever the reasons for his behaviour - you don’t have to live like this. Poor you. He sounds very dominating, whatever the reasons. Ducks, row, spring to mind. Or as Paul Simon sang, get yourself free …

Petsop · 13/03/2022 09:58

Stop being a doormat and stand up to him.

Or start taking the piss out of him and act like he does when he’s going going out cycling, give him a taste of his own medicine. Follow through, show up, do exactly what he does to you until he gets it.

Finallyreachedmylimit · 13/03/2022 09:58

@FullBush

He sounds incredibly tedious and domineering. Is this new behaviour since WFH or has he always been like this with friendships / people visiting?

If you don’t find your voice, then this is your life forever? Did you grow up with a domineering parent(s)?

Got a lot worse in recent years. Combo of middle aged grumpiness and pandemic I think.

I used to have my voice be quite "feisty" but I don't want to argue so I have gone into keep the peace mode which means I'm just not myself. I do feel like I'm losing friends, as I'm quiet and unhappy when I'm with them. I do try to chat and be social and actively try to ask them about themselves, talk about other topics but I literally find myself drifting off mid sentence, like I've forgotten what I was going to say.

OP posts:
WTF475878237NC · 13/03/2022 09:59

Sounds like you've allowed yourself to disappear in your marriage and you're just seeing the symptoms now.

CecilyTheWake · 13/03/2022 09:59

I used to date someone who was like this. He was very pushy about being ‘friends’ with all my friends and family and got angry if I ever tried to avoid it. I found it really intrusive and awkward - his behaviour with them was much the same as the OP’s DH and they clearly thought he was weird.

It was basically because he was controlling and insisted on being involved in every part of my life. He eventually tried to use it against me, threatening to tell them ‘the truth’ about me as a way of getting back at me.

Finallyreachedmylimit · 13/03/2022 10:00

@FullBush

Adding to that.. I know this word is bandied about a lot these days, but these are very narcissistic traits.

Does he have any redeeming qualities?

Well he used to. But yes he does have narcissistic traits of that there is no doubt!
OP posts:
Clymene · 13/03/2022 10:01

Actually do you think he's having some kind of mental health crisis? Agitated and intense doesn't sound good

Spudina · 13/03/2022 10:02

This is a weird dynamic. And controlling. I would make sure my friendship stuff happened outside of the house. (And I do actually, I’m fairly active socially but rarely have people round) You shouldn’t have to but it’s the best way. He has his own friends, just keep him away from yours. Him snapping at you isn’t good. WFH is clearly not good for him. Can he do a hybrid office/home routine?

RichardsGear · 13/03/2022 10:03

He sounds like a bloody nightmare!

Finallyreachedmylimit · 13/03/2022 10:03

@Petsop

Stop being a doormat and stand up to him.

Or start taking the piss out of him and act like he does when he’s going going out cycling, give him a taste of his own medicine. Follow through, show up, do exactly what he does to you until he gets it.

Standing up to him means too much rage and the DC's being traumatised. I don't have the energy, I used to be energetic, busy, pretty vibrant. I even struggle now to pick out an outfit, I always loved clothes and make up, having quite an individual style. Now I look quite plain. Everything seems like a colossal effort
OP posts:
Finallyreachedmylimit · 13/03/2022 10:05

@Clymene

Actually do you think he's having some kind of mental health crisis? Agitated and intense doesn't sound good
Yes i do. My parents think so too, as do some friends. His own friends are loyal to him as they've known each other so long and they are kind decent people. He doesn't tend to "perform" so much in front of them to be honest, he's more normal! It's just when certain people are around.
OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 13/03/2022 10:06

You sound like you need to leave your marriage.

he's lost any semblance of self awareness so there's no point trying to talk to him about it.

If you genuinely believe there is “no point” talking to him about something you need to address because it’s making you miserable, then you shouldn’t stay in this relationship. Get out and co-parent from separate lives.

FurStories · 13/03/2022 10:07

narcissistic traits, you say? well then you know you’re on a hiding to nothing sadly. It’s sad you’re ‘losing yourself’. You don’t have to live like this. The door is open.

Finallyreachedmylimit · 13/03/2022 10:07

@Spudina

This is a weird dynamic. And controlling. I would make sure my friendship stuff happened outside of the house. (And I do actually, I’m fairly active socially but rarely have people round) You shouldn’t have to but it’s the best way. He has his own friends, just keep him away from yours. Him snapping at you isn’t good. WFH is clearly not good for him. Can he do a hybrid office/home routine?
I've suggested this but he refuses as it means it would interfere with his very rigid gym workout/training plan which he now fits his work around.

He went away for 3 nights recently to see a mate in another city. He came back more relaxed and himself than I've seen him for years, but within 48 hours back to the ranting and domineering. ☹️

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