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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DH and the friends issue

127 replies

Finallyreachedmylimit · 13/03/2022 09:36

DH has always been very sociable, me less so. After dc were born and we could no longer socialise together as much I made an effort to try to carve out some friends of my own as I only really had one person I met up with on a regular basis.

Trouble is DH is almost suffocating with my female friendships. He is all over them (not in a sexual way) every time, he declares they're "his friends too" and demands to be involved in everything. He gets very het up and agitated when he's not invited say to a women only lunch/dinner ranting about why he's not been included. He's screamed at me before about why I've "taken his friends away from him". When they come round he literally doesn't let me speak, because I won't raise my voice or interrupt I just can't get a word in so just sit there quietly watching him hold the floor. DDS best friends mum is lovely and I get on well with her but he just won't allow me the breathing space to develop that friendship as he feels she's also "his" friend. It's all got very petty and silly.

When friends come round they do comment on how animated he is and how he never stops talking. I feel I've retreated into a shell of myself and become very quiet and boring, I feel like I've nothing to say as it's exhausting. I am mentally exhausted from coping with him generally to be honest, just completing the essential tasks each day to just get through as everything feels too much. I hate myself for it as I used to be quite busy and productive.

His ranty overly talkative behaviour is a lot worse since the pandemic and WFH, his job is isolative and quiet. He has no intention of ever working in an office again so he's here all the time. I do go out to work and stay later than I need to. Just to get some space. He was far less agitated when he went to an office and spoke to people.
Don't know what I'm asking really, just wanted to get it out. It's getting too much, he's lost any semblance of self awareness so there's no point trying to talk to him about it.

OP posts:
Finallyreachedmylimit · 13/03/2022 15:27

Thank you for all the helpful and insightful comments, it has helped clear my head and process a bit. I find it helpful working through things by writing them down. I am meeting a move friend who understands tonight for a glass of wine. That will help too.

OP posts:
Notallcatsarenicecats · 13/03/2022 15:29

Has he got ADHD? The excessive talking, OCD, the ups and downs, the wanting to be "liked" by people, are all signs of ADHD

Finallyreachedmylimit · 13/03/2022 15:34

@Notallcatsarenicecats

Has he got ADHD? The excessive talking, OCD, the ups and downs, the wanting to be "liked" by people, are all signs of ADHD
I have thought that before. All the friends he has are friends he's had for a long long time. I think they can see the strangeness in him but are quite "loyal" as they've known each other so long. I do wonder how new people would react to him. He plays up for want of a better phrase more so around certain individuals than others. Mostly my female friends. He's a lot less agitated and ranty when we're with a certain couple for example. Their presence (thankfully) seems to contain things and we can actually have a bit more of a relaxing time.
OP posts:
REignbow · 13/03/2022 15:36

It doesn’t matter what he has but this is no way to live. This is no way for your children to live.

You have said you separated before and he was a model H for a year and now he is worse. This tells you everything. He kept up the act long enough for you to stay and now he knows that you will stay because of pets/exams etc the mask has slipped.

Leave.

HollowTalk · 13/03/2022 15:49

You must feel utterly broken but you know what? You're not. You are a really strong woman and you can do this. You need a long term plan based on the date of your daughter's last exam.

How do your kids get on with him if you're not there?

FurStories · 13/03/2022 15:57

It doesn’t matter what he has but this is no way to live

^Bottom line, with bells. Can you hear it?

tara66 · 13/03/2022 16:07

OP your posts make me want to come over to yours and put gaffer tape on his mouth!

Bellringer · 13/03/2022 16:35

God he needs a slap

Nanny0gg · 13/03/2022 16:54

@cordelia16

I've suggested this but he refuses as it means it would interfere with his very rigid gym workout/training plan which he now fits his work around.

Is he taking any steroids as part of this exercise regimen? That could explain minor changes to his personality.

I wondered that.
Nanny0gg · 13/03/2022 16:55

@Finallyreachedmylimit

Thank you for all the helpful and insightful comments, it has helped clear my head and process a bit. I find it helpful working through things by writing them down. I am meeting a move friend who understands tonight for a glass of wine. That will help too.
Can you access counselling?

That will help straighten your head

billy1966 · 13/03/2022 17:01

Your posts are both chilling and terrifying.

You are in a highly abusive relationship which will undoubtedly be damaging to your children.

Contact Women's aid for advice.

Reach out to those who will support you.

Please start organising yourself by getting all copies of financials, pay slips, pensions, investments, deeds.

He doesn't get a choice.
You can choose to leave.

I would also contact 101 and have a marker put on your number.

He sounds unstable.

You poor woman.
Flowers

IrishMumInLondon2020 · 13/03/2022 17:01

I just wanted to say that you sound just lovely. Really feel for you in this situation. I promise brighter days lie ahead once you start to make plans and look forward to a better life without him. Flowers

FurStories · 13/03/2022 17:03

Ditto.

EarthSight · 13/03/2022 17:12

He gets very het up and agitated when he's not invited say to a women only lunch/dinner ranting about why he's not been included

There is something wrong with your partner. The fact that he can't see how inappropriate and boundary pushing this is for women is really not a good sign. This could actually cost you, socially. If only women are invited to something, it is such a faux pas to bring along male partners. It's seen as strange and awkward and would not cast your partner in a good light in particular. People might think about inviting you again if they don't enjoy his company.

This comes across as dominant, possessive extrovert. Everything you do or see must be his. He controls arguments with the threat of his temper. You're more introverted maybe and he think this is a sign that you are somehow less worthy because you have fewer 'friends' than he has.

I know it's scary thinking about looking for a house, but I think you'll benefit, emotionally. He's squashing your personality and I don't think many people could thrive or breathe in this atmosphere either.

EarthSight · 13/03/2022 17:13

People might think twiceabout inviting you again if they don't enjoy his company*

FurStories · 13/03/2022 17:16

A little bit more edgy, this one. Following on from IrishMum, yes, you sound lovely OP - but you also sound like a complete doormat? Trading financial security and cats-chilling for living with a nutjob? Would that be fair? I don't know.

AnneElliott · 13/03/2022 17:18

I feel for you op. Some of this is similar to my H although he does t so the obsessive stuff about the Ho a - he barely knows where stuff is in the kitchen.

But he can mononlogue forever and takes over conversations with my friends when they come round - generally now they do t come round, as they don't like it, although I do now cut him off and talk over him if he does it.

I've raised it with him, but he doesn't see that he's doing anything wrong. He denies that my friends don't like it and I can't be too honest about what they've actually said as he would confront them about it when he next saw them.

Covid and wfh has made is worse but he's always been like it.

AnneElliott · 13/03/2022 17:19

No real advice really - I don't think he'd change. I'd suggest making your plans to leave.

iRun2eatCake · 13/03/2022 17:25

He reminds me of another OP husband with his manic behaviour @jamaisjedors

Finallyreachedmylimit · 13/03/2022 17:27

In my previous life I was the opposite of a doormat...I was very strong willed and determined and had the reputation at work of getting things done! Sexist language may have described me as "high maintenance".

However I've experienced a fair bit of trauma over the years and not having any family support has affected me as when I've felt desperate I've literally felt like I had nowhere to turn. Also I had no friends of my own so no one to talk to they were all "our" friends. I have reconnected from friends from my childhood and started seeing them more, they know me for who I am and accept me for it. Interestingly my longest standing make friend who's known me since we were kids has never been keen on H, but has tolerated him for my sake.

I do attract narcissistic people, I've never really had a nice boyfriend. Always went for the "bad boys" not the kind gentle blokes, who did ask me out too! I have a friend who I'm gently letting go of who's narcissistic, she did the love bombing thing with me declaring me to be her best friend straight away etc. Gets very jealous of my other friends. And likes to be the centre of attention with hundreds of hangers on. Her and H v similar! I've now learnt mature grown women don't do the "best friends" thing. It's intense and immature. This whole situation has made me quite avoidant of anyone with a whiff of drama about them or who's too obsessive about things. I used to find it interesting but now it just seems like hard work.

OP posts:
Finallyreachedmylimit · 13/03/2022 17:32

@AnneElliott

I feel for you op. Some of this is similar to my H although he does t so the obsessive stuff about the Ho a - he barely knows where stuff is in the kitchen.

But he can mononlogue forever and takes over conversations with my friends when they come round - generally now they do t come round, as they don't like it, although I do now cut him off and talk over him if he does it.

I've raised it with him, but he doesn't see that he's doing anything wrong. He denies that my friends don't like it and I can't be too honest about what they've actually said as he would confront them about it when he next saw them.

Covid and wfh has made is worse but he's always been like it.

Sorry to hear you're in this situation too. It's really tough and like you say you can't be too honest as there's no boundary there about a potential confrontation. He has actually asked me to actually teach him socially appropriate interactions as he learnt none from his feral upbringing and there is some awareness there about the blunt unboundaried way he speaks to people. This is in part because others including my parents and some friends have had to say something about his behaviour. I know now that the shitty way he spoke to restaurant staff was a massive red flag but ignored it due to low self esteem, youth and hormones.
OP posts:
FurStories · 13/03/2022 17:38

Crap family?
Crap friends?
Whatever, it figures.
Well.
Break for the border.
How far is it to Mexico?
Honestly, sounds better than this bx.

1forAll74 · 13/03/2022 17:57

Can't you just sort things out, by having a conversation about how you feel about all this., and him taking over everything all the time. It's the only thing to do really.

dexterslockedintheshedagain · 13/03/2022 17:57

What?

FurStories · 13/03/2022 18:11

Doh

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