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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DH and the friends issue

127 replies

Finallyreachedmylimit · 13/03/2022 09:36

DH has always been very sociable, me less so. After dc were born and we could no longer socialise together as much I made an effort to try to carve out some friends of my own as I only really had one person I met up with on a regular basis.

Trouble is DH is almost suffocating with my female friendships. He is all over them (not in a sexual way) every time, he declares they're "his friends too" and demands to be involved in everything. He gets very het up and agitated when he's not invited say to a women only lunch/dinner ranting about why he's not been included. He's screamed at me before about why I've "taken his friends away from him". When they come round he literally doesn't let me speak, because I won't raise my voice or interrupt I just can't get a word in so just sit there quietly watching him hold the floor. DDS best friends mum is lovely and I get on well with her but he just won't allow me the breathing space to develop that friendship as he feels she's also "his" friend. It's all got very petty and silly.

When friends come round they do comment on how animated he is and how he never stops talking. I feel I've retreated into a shell of myself and become very quiet and boring, I feel like I've nothing to say as it's exhausting. I am mentally exhausted from coping with him generally to be honest, just completing the essential tasks each day to just get through as everything feels too much. I hate myself for it as I used to be quite busy and productive.

His ranty overly talkative behaviour is a lot worse since the pandemic and WFH, his job is isolative and quiet. He has no intention of ever working in an office again so he's here all the time. I do go out to work and stay later than I need to. Just to get some space. He was far less agitated when he went to an office and spoke to people.
Don't know what I'm asking really, just wanted to get it out. It's getting too much, he's lost any semblance of self awareness so there's no point trying to talk to him about it.

OP posts:
bluedodecagon · 13/03/2022 10:44

You say that your children are more important than your cats but you’re not acting like it.

He sounds abusive and horrific. If you can’t leave him, can you at least detach from him? Start seeing people outside the house. Stop engaging with him and arguing with him regardless. Move into a different room. Get counselling.

Separate emotionally and physically in the house. Get your ducks in a row as they say.

Clymene · 13/03/2022 10:44

@Finallyreachedmylimit

I agree. But he won't and even if he did covering the mortgage and bills is not doable to my salary.
Speak to a solicitor. You have children. It's not as simple as his earnings all belong to him
AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/03/2022 10:50

What Clymene wrote here.

Speak to Cats Protection League re your cat. I adore cats too but this animal should not remain either within an abusive home.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/03/2022 10:51

Your H is not going to agree to anything you say but he is not above the law here. He may think he is, but he is not.

waterrat · 13/03/2022 10:59

Sorry op but this sounds really awful. I think you are not seeing just how controlling and abusive this is. He is deliberately ruining your happiness and making you feel scared.

He sounds incredibly dull company and if he monologue ing your friends they probably loathe him. If he is rude to you on front of them they probably wish you would leave this nasty man.

Finallyreachedmylimit · 13/03/2022 10:59

@bluedodecagon

You say that your children are more important than your cats but you’re not acting like it.

He sounds abusive and horrific. If you can’t leave him, can you at least detach from him? Start seeing people outside the house. Stop engaging with him and arguing with him regardless. Move into a different room. Get counselling.

Separate emotionally and physically in the house. Get your ducks in a row as they say.

We do sleep separately now. And I'm trying currently to see more people after hibernating for too long. I've got a few things arranged. Now the DC are older the 2 of us could go out as they can be left but it just doesn't work which is a shame.

I must admit to finding almost everything he does irritating, and I do pick at him a bit so am trying not to. Stupid stuff like the way he eats. He's replicating his shitty childhood in our family home almost to the letter. Controlling domineering father, mother creeping around trying to create another life. His upbringing is very different to mine. I've realised how much of an impact this can have, once I'm single I will never make this mistake again.

OP posts:
bluedodecagon · 13/03/2022 11:03

He’s replicating his shitty childhood so what does that mean for your children? What kind of relationships are they going to replicate?

You need to accept your marriage is over and start trying to mitigate the impact of this horrific family of origin on your children.

Can you access counselling?

Finallyreachedmylimit · 13/03/2022 11:07

He did agree once to buy me out of the house, with the equity I'd get plus a small mortgage I'd be able to get an ok property in a different but ok area. I feel overwhelmed by going through the process of finding and buying a house again but I know it's the right thing to do. I'd actually be better off as after mortgage and bills I'd have more spends than currently given the chunk of my salary I put into the joint account.

OP posts:
Finallyreachedmylimit · 13/03/2022 11:11

I have no intention of doing couples counseling or mediation. He does a good act in being the calm rational one and me being the unstable female. We had couples counseling once before and it was a nightmare, he totally charmed her and she was clearly totally biased towards him. To the point of it being unprofessional, IME counsellors are often a bit shit in this department...I don't trust them!

OP posts:
FurStories · 13/03/2022 11:13

If you feel overwhelmed with the thought of buying, as I said, a 6 month rent contract could be ideal. You could also be going through the “legals” of divorce, home-selling etc, whilst living in a rental.

UnsuitableHat · 13/03/2022 11:17

It stood out to me that someone whose communication style is ranty, one sided and domineering is making you think of yourself as ‘boring and quiet’. Easier said than done when you’re feeling a bit flattened, but try to remind yourself that he lacks self awareness and you don’t need to doubt yourself. Hope you find some way to change this dynamic, whatever that may be.

Finallyreachedmylimit · 13/03/2022 11:17

@FurStories

If you feel overwhelmed with the thought of buying, as I said, a 6 month rent contract could be ideal. You could also be going through the “legals” of divorce, home-selling etc, whilst living in a rental.
Yes, that may be a solution I've had a brief look at what's available. Renting is more ££ than a mortgage here much of a time so what I can afford isn't great but would give some breathing space
OP posts:
Finallyreachedmylimit · 13/03/2022 11:21

@UnsuitableHat

It stood out to me that someone whose communication style is ranty, one sided and domineering is making you think of yourself as ‘boring and quiet’. Easier said than done when you’re feeling a bit flattened, but try to remind yourself that he lacks self awareness and you don’t need to doubt yourself. Hope you find some way to change this dynamic, whatever that may be.
To be honest it's brought back a lot of childhood stuff, I was awkward, shy and didn't fit in as a child and teenager and didn't have many friends or quite shit friends. I think this has triggered that again. He often compares how many friends he has compared to me and how that makes him a more likeable person. The difference is his definition of friend and mine is very different, a lot of his horde of friends seem more like aquaintences
OP posts:
Howshouldibehave · 13/03/2022 11:23

He's also very firm about what "their" activities are

I would use this to explain what your activities are. He is being a right knob though-I would hate this

Mamette · 13/03/2022 11:27

Standing up to him means too much rage and the DC's being traumatised.

That’s not ok. Engineer a time when the DC are not there, and calmly explain to him that his behaviour is not normal or acceptable. Let him scream and rage. Give him an ultimatum. Stick to it.

That’s if you actually want to stay of course.

BusinessMindThoughts · 13/03/2022 11:29

He refuses to leave. I've asked him to go, and cover the mortgage until kids are 18 then sell up splitting equity. He refuses.

His behaviour around your friends isn't the issue - this is. You want to split up, you need to start taking action I'm afraid. Don't let him keep you in a relationship you've been clear you do not want just because he's wearing you down! (And it does sound extremely wearing Flowers )

NettleTea · 13/03/2022 11:33

OP

he is abusive

you are probably entitled to far more than you think, or that he will ever offer, so you need to see a solicitor to sort it out and grey rock the inevitable conversations

He is classically abusive - even the 'makes me look crazy' tack is classic
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2268977-The-Abuser-Profiles

he has, as someone upthread said, given you paghetti brain and eggshell walking feet. You are losing yourself because his abuse has sucked all your soul out so that you are just a hollow shell of the vibrant woman you were - but be sure, it can and will come back once you are rid of him, its just hiding in a safe place until it has the space to rebloom.

Its no good getting into arguments or comparrisons with him. He is shallow and needy and jealous - he cant bare for you to have friends, but if you can find one or two to take solace in, to confide in, it will really help for you to have some real life support. The one who doesnt like him. DS's best friend's mum. I bet you 100% they dont like him, even if they find him amusing. I promise you that.

It wont be easy. It probably wont be nice in the short term, or even the mid term. YOu say he rages and has anger issues - Id advise you to do some duck lining and keep quiet. get important papers copied and put safe. This kind of situation may need a midnight flit or equivilent - he isnt the kind of man who is going to agree to you leaving and given he rages, he could get violent - even if you have never seen that before - when his control slips.

Be boring to him. dont allow him to think youi are planning anything. Change your passwords, log out of anything like Mumsnet. if you appear boring, he doesnt have to be alert, because he has you ground down. But a narcissist doesnt like to lose, they dont like to bow to any others needs, and they dont like being shown in a bad light, which leaving obviously implies

NettleTea · 13/03/2022 11:36

and remeber - you dont need his agreement to either leave, divorce or call time on the relationship, and any promises made after the decision has been voiced are hollow and meaningless and simply further attempts to claw back control

and if he screams and rages, you are perfectly right to call the police, which would actually help you in the long run (although Im definately not recommending provoking that kind of reaction

Lookingforatimeslip · 13/03/2022 11:45

It sounds like you’ve made yourself really small around your husband. You might find that if you leave that the kids will be relieved. You don’t have to stay. You could take the cats with you. Your husband sounds horrible. He will continue to trample you and you’ll make yourself smaller.

RandomMess · 13/03/2022 11:45

If you move into rented due to his abusive and are filing for divorce you should be able to access the housing element of Universal Credit even though you have a marital house. Some do deposit help loans as well.

If you live separately within your marital house you can claim for UC as a single parent, they will not agree to it readily but you can advocate that he is abusive, you have no shared shopping/cooking/laundry and you are starting divorce proceedings and look to move out into rented.

FurStories · 13/03/2022 11:46

Disagree with pp. No point in confronting this man. He will rage and rant and abuse even more, as OP has found.

Since you seem to like cats so much, OP, take a leaf out of their book. If cats don’t like someone, they just move away, no fuss, no drama, they just leave ….

FurStories · 13/03/2022 11:48

And a rental would give you important space from this man. I believe any form of living together is going to keep you stuck and overwhelmed.

EthelTheAardvark · 13/03/2022 11:48

When friends come round they do comment on how animated he is and how he never stops talking.

It sounds like this is their very polite way of saying that he's a pain in the neck.

EthelTheAardvark · 13/03/2022 11:57

I wouldn't normally jump to LTB but it seems to me that all you are getting from this relationship is a lot of negatives. It could be well worth a visit to a good solicitor now to find out what exactly your legal position would be if you split up and how to get yourself organised so that when you decide it's time to go (preferably as soon as your daughter's GCSEs are over) you can do it quickly and easily. For one thing, you need to look at maybe putting less into the joint account or taking your half out of it before you split up.

It could also be worth talking to the solicitor about the emotional abuse side of what your husband is doing, particularly screaming at you and trying to prevent you having your own friends separately from him. I'm wondering if this might change your position in relation to getting an order that he must leave, especially given the undesirability of disrupting the children's education.

LuckySantangelo35 · 13/03/2022 11:57

Urgh he sounds controlling, overbearing, domineering and frankly unhinged OP what with the screaming at you that you’ve taken his friends away.

And the subjecting people to long monologues.

You say not, but can guarantee your pals will find him insufferable and weird.

Lay some boundaries/limits down with him if you want to preserve your friendships.

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