DH and the friends issue

[Finallyreachedmylimit]

DH has always been very sociable, me less so. After dc were born and we could no longer socialise together as much I made an effort to try to carve out some friends of my own as I only really had one person I met up with on a regular basis.

Trouble is DH is almost suffocating with my female friendships. He is all over them (not in a sexual way) every time, he declares they're "his friends too" and demands to be involved in everything. He gets very het up and agitated when he's not invited say to a women only lunch/dinner ranting about why he's not been included. He's screamed at me before about why I've "taken his friends away from him". When they come round he literally doesn't let me speak, because I won't raise my voice or interrupt I just can't get a word in so just sit there quietly watching him hold the floor. DDS best friends mum is lovely and I get on well with her but he just won't allow me the breathing space to develop that friendship as he feels she's also "his" friend. It's all got very petty and silly.

When friends come round they do comment on how animated he is and how he never stops talking. I feel I've retreated into a shell of myself and become very quiet and boring, I feel like I've nothing to say as it's exhausting. I am mentally exhausted from coping with him generally to be honest, just completing the essential tasks each day to just get through as everything feels too much. I hate myself for it as I used to be quite busy and productive.

His ranty overly talkative behaviour is a lot worse since the pandemic and WFH, his job is isolative and quiet. He has no intention of ever working in an office again so he's here all the time. I do go out to work and stay later than I need to. Just to get some space. He was far less agitated when he went to an office and spoke to people.
Don't know what I'm asking really, just wanted to get it out. It's getting too much, he's lost any semblance of self awareness so there's no point trying to talk to him about it.

He never stops talking. It's driving me mad apart from all the other stuff. Just been trying to bake with DS in the kitchen, and h is there flapping about asking what we're doing narrowing his eyes about which bloody hob on the cooker we're using hovering round the dishwasher when I've put something in it so he can then put it in its "correct" place. Our friends know about his obsessive nature and joke about it, but don't realise how bloody exhausting it is to live with it.

We did separate once. He made various promises to change I told him what the deal breakers were that I didn't want him doing anymore (shouting at me, storming off mid meal out if I said something "wrong" to him etc etc). For a year was model H but now gone back far worse than he ever was before. There's a coldness to him now that's quite a newish thing

@Finallyreachedmylimit

I have no intention of doing couples counseling or mediation. He does a good act in being the calm rational one and me being the unstable female. We had couples counseling once before and it was a nightmare, he totally charmed her and she was clearly totally biased towards him. To the point of it being unprofessional, IME counsellors are often a bit shit in this department...I don't trust them!

Doing counselling with an abusive partner is never recommended.

And from your comments he is abusive to you and your children.

Standing up to him means too much rage and the DC's being traumatised in combination with isolating you is abusive.

Think you need to prioritise yourself and your kids OP over your cats.
As someone else has said renting sounds a good interim option.

If he's driving you mad you can be certain your kids are being profoundly affected as well. They also see your reactions, both spoken and unspoken, here.

Your friends do think he is a pain in the neck. My late FIL used to talk at everyone in a similar manner and no-one liked him either.

Are you sure he doesn’t take coke??

@Crikeyalmighty

Are you sure he doesn’t take coke??

Definitely not

OK.
DD’s GCSE’s are this year, coming up?
Start planning - secretly, quietly - to leave. A rental, finances in order (put less in the joint account for a while if you can, make excuses), gear yourself up for the change without provoking the confrontation now.

You will find the strength to do this.

He’s upped the ante lately on isolating you. That’s what you started this thread with, and you need to remember that. It won’t get better, only worse.

Reach out to DD’s best friend’s mum in confidence.

He sounds like an attention seeker

"Standing up to him means too much rage and the DC's being traumatised"

Jezus op. Why are you with this man. He sounds violent and narcissistic and delusional. Oh and suffocating

But you? You are letting him. You are enabling him
So you ... are part of the problem too. Ffs stand up and speak up. Now

@Marvellousmadness

"Standing up to him means too much rage and the DC's being traumatised"

Jezus op. Why are you with this man. He sounds violent and narcissistic and delusional. Oh and suffocating

But you? You are letting him. You are enabling him
So you ... are part of the problem too. Ffs stand up and speak up. Now

He's not violent but he does shout and can be explosive. I was sticking up for myself but I'm now worn down and spaced out. The level of agitation he's presenting with currently is weird, like a kind of mania. But he won't do anything about it. I must be very boring to be with these days for him, flat and dull, not really conversing much as I can't cope with the monologues and the ranting or the obsessive detail...e.g. going on about something that's happened at work and describing the email exchange in mind numbing excruciating detail. I am impatient with him and tell him to get to the point. Some of his friends do it too, long, boring, overly detailed repetitive stories.

He does not have to be physically violent to hurt you. He’s doing that already by both word and deed. If he was to decide his current level of control was not working he could well decide to throw things or use physical force like pushing you.

Some abusive men like women who supposedly stick up for themselves as they see it as an additional challenge to take down. And this is what he has done with you. We’re you very young and or in a bad place yourself when you and he met?. He targeted you and I have no doubt about that.

It was basically because he was controlling and insisted on being involved in every part of my life. He eventually tried to use it against me, threatening to tell them ‘the truth’ about me as a way of getting back at me
I had one of them once! God know what the 'truth' was about me but he was going to tell everyone in my family. I said that's fine. Shall we start with my mum. He went white when I phone and said HI mum, Dave wants to talk to you about me, here you are..... and handed him the phone. The daft knob hung up!

He's really ground you down, hasn't he. Get in touch with Women's Aid and a solicitor
You can't go on like this.

Damn he sounds like my ex- so much so I would swear it was him
I remember going off to a feminist (women only) book group and he'd turn up, all chatty, oblivious to everyone thinking what a twat. I'd put money on your friends thinking the same of yours and Ben if they pretend otherwise.

That's minimal, but the other stuff is awful. He is a controlling narc who will ruin your children's lives, let alone yours. Rent for 6 months. Apply for a divorce online. Takes ten minutes. Get started. Each day counts.

Please make plans to leave.

The sheer amount of energy being in this relationship and house is taking from you is actually more than enough you could use to leave and find a new home. Picture a home with peace and freedom and focus on that, every single day until you escape.

@Crikeyalmighty

Are you sure he doesn’t take coke??

Just what I was thinking

OP

You say...

He's not violent but he does shout and can be explosive. I was sticking up for myself but I'm now worn down and spaced out.
The level of agitation he's presenting with currently is weird, like a kind of mania. But he won't do anything about it. I must be very boring to be with these days for him, flat and dull, not really conversing much as I can't cope with the monologues and the ranting or the obsessive detail...e.g. going on about something that's happened at work and describing the email exchange in mind numbing excruciating detail. I am impatient with him and tell him to get to the point. Some of his friends do it too, long, boring, overly detailed repetitive stories

This reads to me like they are all doing coke

@HeddaGarbled

What’s happening here is you are in an unhappy, verging on abusive, relationship.

Medicating yourself, deciding that there is something wrong with you, rather than with your situation, is not the answer, though it’s a really common result for women in your situation, which paves the way for the shitty husband and their family and friends to buy into the myth of your “mental health difficulties” rather than face the real truth, which is that your shitty husband is making you unhappy.

@HeddaGarbled is right. I volunteer for a DV charity and know a little bit about abusive relationships (although not nearly as much as the amazing ladies who do it for a living). Your post throws up lots of red flags.

@Dillydollydingdong

Very strange behaviour. I had friends round for the weekend once, Friday to Sunday. My dp said hello when they arrived then went off in his caravan for 3 days. That's normal behaviour. How can you relax and talk girlie stuff with all that going on?

I think that’s nearly as strange as the agitated, grandstanding behaviour the OP describes. I don’t think it’s in the least ‘normal behaviour’ for someone to be so set on single-sex friendship situations that it’s considered normal for someone to leave his own house for three days because otherwise “girlie things’ couldn’t be discussed. Don’t you have any male friends, or mixed-sex groups?

OP, the thing that occurs to me is that if he behaves relatively normally with his (male?) friends, why is he monologuing at women all the time? Is it because he feels entitled to their sympathetic/respectful attention whereas a group of men would put him back in his box pretty snappily?

Not saying you shouldn't leave, you obviously need to be planning your exit, but some of his traits remind me of my friends ex..he ended up getting diagnosed with bipolar, after him getting progressively worse. Might be worth him getting checked out, if he will even consider he might have a problem of course!
Oh and you should still leave too, one life and all that!

I'm going to go slightly against the grain here. What he is doing isn't right. If you want to leave him then leave him. We are all free to end relationships anytime we want too.

But it sounds like he's not getting his needs met socially. Covid has been hard and WFH as an extrovert is hard going. If this has come about since these changes then personally I'd have a conversation with him and tell him how worried about him you are and how his behaviour is impacting you and that you want to help him feel happier. It sounds like he's lost himself to me so I wouldn't LTB just yet. If you think it's worth saving then spell it out a bit more firmer and don't blame him, blame doesn't get anywhere, tell him how worrying his behaviour is and that he needs some outside help.

A few "clinical" people I know have marked on his presentation. The narcissistic traits have always been there, but there's something quite weird about him now. A few have described him as manic. I want him to go to the GP, but he won't tolerate a conversation about it. He's become ridiculously obsessive, he gets agitated of I use the "wrong" hob to boil an egg or fill the cat bowls "wrong". It's oppressive

5 pages on, you’re still worrying about and psycho-analysing him.

I think he sounds totally unhinged and oppressive and you should be planning your exit with haste.

Or you can stay in the madhouse.

I think you are done here.
I think you are ground down.
You are not protecting the kids by staying.
See a solicitor with regard to your rights and entitlement.
If he wont leave then you and the kids have to.
I think you will be astonished how people you know will react.
I think they will tell you how they do not understand how/why you stayed so long.
You need to separate.
You need to get the kids out of this situation... whatever it takes.. whatever you have to do..
You will be a different woman within days... I promise you.
Prioritise yourself and the kids.