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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is this the end of the relationship?

122 replies

NinjaQueen · 12/03/2022 09:05

I got with my boyfriend during covid when everyone was working from home or on furlough. Lockdown made for an intense relationship I think and sped everything up,

Eventually I went back to work in the office and he had become fixated on a colleague of mine.

When we went back there was a walking challenge organised and we were in teams of 4 (our steps were added together, we didn't walk together) I wasn't in the office when the teams were sorted but in my absence I was nominated team captain and a guy I knew from another dept was put in my team.

My boyfriend didn't like it.

Later we both (unknown to each other) applied to be on a course. There were only 15 places on the course and we were both accepted. This course has involved travelling once every other month and over night stays twice. Because we are the only two from our area we travel together.

When I saw he was on the course I offered to drop out. My bf assured me he was fine with it and insisted I stay on it. However I get accused of sleeping with this guy every time we have a course day.

Every time we stay over I video call him as soon as I get in bed and stay on the call for over an hour two until I am ready to sleep. However he text me after the call the first time, being as I was asleep I didn't answer until the morning which obviously meant I was not in my room, I had snuck off to my colleagues room for sex.

This man is (as far as I know) happily married with two children, has never shown an inappropriate interest in me or gave me any awkward feelings.

I don't fancy him, never have and have never considered an affair with him, he's married. Plus you don't shiit where you eat! I have been in the company for years and am working hard to build my reputation and career there.

He has worked there at least 6 years and whilst we have crossed paths many times even shock at Christmas dos where we have both been drunk, we have managed to not sleep together in all that time.

It's gotten to the point where the accusations are daily. I can't mention if I have spoken to him in work. I can't talk about the course.

I drive past his house one day a week, a 7 minute drive or a 40 min walk for him so I have been dropping him off when the weather is bad. I phone my boyfriend immediately when he gets out of the car so he knows we aren't pulled into a lay-by having sex in rush hour.

We have had each other on social media for years (before I knew my bf) and he does like a lot of my stuff. I don't like much of his. In the last 12 months I like a picture of a family day out sometime in June I think. My bf doesn't like that he likes so much of my stuff. I have offered to close down my social media and take a social media break (I think it would be awkward to just remove him especially when we have to talk because of the course).

Anyway my bf has now followed him on Instagram and announced that he knows something happened between us in the summer before I met him and he's ok with it because it obviously ended when I met bf.

He is basing this on the fact "I liked everything he put on Instagram between august and December that year and haven't liked anything since" so when I asked him to show me - I actually liked 4 holiday pictures of him and his family all on the same day in august two days after I opened my Instagram account. Then a picture of a family day out in December and a picture of his kids at Christmas. There were a few other posts in between that I hadn't liked.

Sorry this is so long. But basically I can't see this ever ending, we have argued and argued about it and I have begged him to either stop accusing me daily or if he genuinely believes I am a liar and a cheat to leave me.

He agreed to drop it, then the next day immediately conducted his investigation and came up with his half cocked theory based on his "evidence".

I have never slept with this man, I have no intentions of, I was very happy in my relationship, but I can't cope with the same arguments over and over and constantly defending myself.

Sorry that is so long!

OP posts:
TheHoleNineYards · 12/03/2022 09:07

Fucking hell. Dump him. He sounds like a controlling wanker.

OhMygodddd · 12/03/2022 09:10

Sooooo much hassle….what a headache, is this guy worth it?
Sounds like nothing you will do can please him and I’d be furious he contacted my work college and accused him of stuff!

Dump the guy, this will never get better because he has it in his head.

NinjaQueen · 12/03/2022 09:11

Sorry he didn't accuse the guy, just followed him on insta so he could look back at all his past posts, from long before he and I even knew each other.

In every other way he is amazing, I really thought I had found someone special.

This issues is dragging me down though I feel like I am drowning in it and I can't see how it will ever end.

OP posts:
OhMygodddd · 12/03/2022 09:14

Oh ok, that’s less embarrassing that what I thought happened.

He needs to get over it and move on or you dump him, I just wouldn’t want all the drama and hassle his bringing to the table if I’m honest, he sounds like an immature teenager!

Loopytiles · 12/03/2022 09:15

Your boyfriend has revealed he’s controlling, which is abusive. Dump.

PermanentTemporary · 12/03/2022 09:16

Im not just going to say 'leave him' as I went through years of changing my behaviour around men because my husband was convinced I was about to shag other men, or that they wanted to shag me.

But it wasn't OK that he did that. He was severely mentally ill and he was the father of my child, and I made the choices I made. But it hurt. When he was ill he would tell me he thought our son wasn't his. It hurt like fuck. I reached the point where I wouldn't even meet another man's eyes.

Stop changing your behaviour, stop allowing this man to surveill your life. Tell him to go to the GP and stop being so boring, or to break up with you.

Loopytiles · 12/03/2022 09:16

Why did you suggest not attending the course and agree to the video calls whilst away?

It concerns me that you did those things.

Orgasmagorical · 12/03/2022 09:18

In every other way he is amazing, I really thought I had found someone special.

Was amazing perhaps?

You're right, this isn't going to change, it'll only get worse. The issues are his, you've done what you can to reassure him but it's not enough.

Is it the end of the relationship? What do you want, knowing what you know now and knowing that he won't change?

CandyLeBonBon · 12/03/2022 09:19

Run.

Fast.

The hills are that way >>>>>>>>>

NinjaQueen · 12/03/2022 09:22

@Loopytiles

Why did you suggest not attending the course and agree to the video calls whilst away?

It concerns me that you did those things.

Because after the walking challenge I knew he had a problem with this colleague and didn't want to end up in the situation we are in now.

When I applied for the course it wasn't stated that travelling was involved so I could have dropped out before it started on those grounds.

I can't drop out at this point and I don't want to, it's a fantastic opportunity for me.

OP posts:
Michellebops · 12/03/2022 09:22

This is not normal behaviour in a relationship. He is starting to exert control of you and you are already changing your behaviour to allow him this control.

You are worth so much more.

Btw my ex continually accused me of cheating with a guy at work who was married and had kids, I had never shown interest but he was determined to accuse me because of the close working relationship we had. Anyway it turned out my ex was cheating on me and by accusing me it was deflecting his infidelity

DowntonCrabby · 12/03/2022 09:23

You know you’re worth more that this OP. Flowers

NinjaQueen · 12/03/2022 09:24

@Michellebops

This is not normal behaviour in a relationship. He is starting to exert control of you and you are already changing your behaviour to allow him this control.

You are worth so much more.

Btw my ex continually accused me of cheating with a guy at work who was married and had kids, I had never shown interest but he was determined to accuse me because of the close working relationship we had. Anyway it turned out my ex was cheating on me and by accusing me it was deflecting his infidelity

That does worry me. He had cheated in past relationships, and was cheated on by his ex so he has it in his head that everyone cheats.

I do wonder if he is just judging me by his own standards.

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 12/03/2022 09:25

I'll let you in on the big secret op - theres every chance your bf doesn't believe you shagged this guy. He just wants you to believe he believes it.

It is an abuser tactic to keep you too busy trying to prove your innocence/purity/goodness or loyalty. You get so stuck on that merry go round that you never think 'hey, wait a minute, but how is HE treating ME?'.

STOP trying to prove yourself. He knows.
Even if he didn't, he would still know his behaviour is unacceptable, controlling and wrong.

START asking yourself why you are staying woth an abusive controlling man.

You'll probably think 'oh but if I leave him, ge will insist it's because I was cheating and he was right' right?' Yes, he probably will. But so what? He'll be deleted and blocked and you'll never have to waste another second defending yourself to a fuckinh asshat ever again. But you have to choose to break the cycle.

If you stay, he'll probably get you fired. He will also ramp up the controlling behaviour. And even uf he drops the you cheating bs, he will find another stick to beat you with.

Its abuse op, pretty damn abuse at that. Run. Fast and far. Do the freedom programme online. And learn how to spot narcissists (npd) and other such abusers once you are out so that you never date one again.

Loopytiles · 12/03/2022 09:27

See, that’s my concern. Your boyfriend unreasonably distrusted you and was saying unreasonable things about you and the colleague.

Instead of deciding not to put up with your BF being unreasonable, you adjusted your behaviour - possibly missing out on work opportunity! - to pander to it.

And after a long period of continued unreasonable behaviour, eg accusations, you are still in the relationship and arguing that overall it’s a good one!

BearFacedCheekGrylls · 12/03/2022 09:27

I’m exhausted just reading about it. If you stay with him this will be your life. Not just this man from work, a neighbour, someone you smile at in the street.

Loopytiles · 12/03/2022 09:28

When he is clearly abusive. Perhaps lockdown/ covid times helped him to hide this. And / oe you didn’t spot or decided not to heed red flags.

The only sensible course of action is to get out of this relationship and end contact.

Pinkbonbon · 12/03/2022 09:30

The beginning of your relationship sounds like'love bombing' btw. Another common abuser tactic. Designed to grow intense feelings fast sp that you idealise them and then when the abuse starts you think 'oh but in thr beginning it was so perfect, surely I can find a way to get that back'. Another trap. Because the early days, were not actually the real him.

Aquamarine1029 · 12/03/2022 09:34

It's shocking that you tolerate this abuse. You should have dumped this vile twat ages ago. Why are your standards so low?

NinjaQueen · 12/03/2022 09:34

I was scared that these were all the things you were going to say because I know myself that once this behaviour starts, it will never stop.

I suppose it's easy not to be jealous when we are all confined to our homes.

I know that it doesn't matter what I do now he will never let this drop. He says he will but then starts it straight up again.

OP posts:
bluedomino · 12/03/2022 09:35

You have been modifying your behaviour to avoid his wrath. This is a slippery slope. How long before he asks or instructs you to leave your job as he thinks you are so untrustworthy. This is not healthy behaviour. To have to constantly prove you are not having sex. He is coercively controlling you. How do you feel when you have to phone him the minute your colleague get out of the car or when you have to stay on the phone for hours instead getting to sleep. Are you anxious or worried about his reaction? This will only get worse. You sound like a strong, independent, financially secure woman but if you allow this to continue you will be a fool. You are not a possession. Its insulting that he thinks you cannot be in the presence of a man without having sex. Please look after yourself as this man could get nasty.

Pinkbonbon · 12/03/2022 09:35

Also, if you work together, please tell the hr department at your work about the abuse. They will then be better equipped to keep him away from you. They will also be prepared that he may start spreading bs rumours and be able to nipp that in the butt.

CantStandMeCow · 12/03/2022 09:37

This is so bad. He’s going to ruin your career at the very least.

Pinkbonbon · 12/03/2022 09:38

@NinjaQueen

I was scared that these were all the things you were going to say because I know myself that once this behaviour starts, it will never stop.

I suppose it's easy not to be jealous when we are all confined to our homes.

I know that it doesn't matter what I do now he will never let this drop. He says he will but then starts it straight up again.

He's not jealous op. He is abusive. It's not insecurity, it's control.

But either way, he is batshit and ge will ruin your life, self worth and sanity if you don't get away.
Infact, that is pretty much his intention.

NinjaQueen · 12/03/2022 09:40

I keep thinking there are only 3 more course days in person and one of them we will be travelling separately. If we can make it through those, April, June and September then it will be over and we can get back to normal.

But I think really I know that it won't stop there. He is convinced we see each other every day at work. (We don't) so he isn't going to just drop it when the course finishes.

OP posts: