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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is this the end of the relationship?

122 replies

NinjaQueen · 12/03/2022 09:05

I got with my boyfriend during covid when everyone was working from home or on furlough. Lockdown made for an intense relationship I think and sped everything up,

Eventually I went back to work in the office and he had become fixated on a colleague of mine.

When we went back there was a walking challenge organised and we were in teams of 4 (our steps were added together, we didn't walk together) I wasn't in the office when the teams were sorted but in my absence I was nominated team captain and a guy I knew from another dept was put in my team.

My boyfriend didn't like it.

Later we both (unknown to each other) applied to be on a course. There were only 15 places on the course and we were both accepted. This course has involved travelling once every other month and over night stays twice. Because we are the only two from our area we travel together.

When I saw he was on the course I offered to drop out. My bf assured me he was fine with it and insisted I stay on it. However I get accused of sleeping with this guy every time we have a course day.

Every time we stay over I video call him as soon as I get in bed and stay on the call for over an hour two until I am ready to sleep. However he text me after the call the first time, being as I was asleep I didn't answer until the morning which obviously meant I was not in my room, I had snuck off to my colleagues room for sex.

This man is (as far as I know) happily married with two children, has never shown an inappropriate interest in me or gave me any awkward feelings.

I don't fancy him, never have and have never considered an affair with him, he's married. Plus you don't shiit where you eat! I have been in the company for years and am working hard to build my reputation and career there.

He has worked there at least 6 years and whilst we have crossed paths many times even shock at Christmas dos where we have both been drunk, we have managed to not sleep together in all that time.

It's gotten to the point where the accusations are daily. I can't mention if I have spoken to him in work. I can't talk about the course.

I drive past his house one day a week, a 7 minute drive or a 40 min walk for him so I have been dropping him off when the weather is bad. I phone my boyfriend immediately when he gets out of the car so he knows we aren't pulled into a lay-by having sex in rush hour.

We have had each other on social media for years (before I knew my bf) and he does like a lot of my stuff. I don't like much of his. In the last 12 months I like a picture of a family day out sometime in June I think. My bf doesn't like that he likes so much of my stuff. I have offered to close down my social media and take a social media break (I think it would be awkward to just remove him especially when we have to talk because of the course).

Anyway my bf has now followed him on Instagram and announced that he knows something happened between us in the summer before I met him and he's ok with it because it obviously ended when I met bf.

He is basing this on the fact "I liked everything he put on Instagram between august and December that year and haven't liked anything since" so when I asked him to show me - I actually liked 4 holiday pictures of him and his family all on the same day in august two days after I opened my Instagram account. Then a picture of a family day out in December and a picture of his kids at Christmas. There were a few other posts in between that I hadn't liked.

Sorry this is so long. But basically I can't see this ever ending, we have argued and argued about it and I have begged him to either stop accusing me daily or if he genuinely believes I am a liar and a cheat to leave me.

He agreed to drop it, then the next day immediately conducted his investigation and came up with his half cocked theory based on his "evidence".

I have never slept with this man, I have no intentions of, I was very happy in my relationship, but I can't cope with the same arguments over and over and constantly defending myself.

Sorry that is so long!

OP posts:
NinjaQueen · 12/03/2022 11:14

He text me this morning like nothing happened, did I want to take the dog to the beach. I told him I don't want to see him this weekend and to leave me alone.

I am away with work on Monday and Tuesday (not related to the course or colleague) so I suppose I have a bit of time to get my head round what needs to be done.

I was looking forward to a nice weekend together before I have to be away.

I just need to come to terms with what needs to be done but I have my head in the sand for the next few days.

OP posts:
Shuffleuplove · 12/03/2022 11:14

I am absolutely besotted, I fancy him like crazy, we are perfect for each other.

No you’re not. Because he is a fucking nutter.

UnderTheMoonlightWeDanced · 12/03/2022 11:17

@NinjaQueen

Sorry he didn't accuse the guy, just followed him on insta so he could look back at all his past posts, from long before he and I even knew each other.

In every other way he is amazing, I really thought I had found someone special.

This issues is dragging me down though I feel like I am drowning in it and I can't see how it will ever end.

“In every other way he’s amazing”… please do you hear yourself. I could cry for you. He’s abusive and controlling.
NinjaQueen · 12/03/2022 11:17

@Shuffleuplove that actually made me laugh. When you put it like that you might just have a point.

Grin
OP posts:
UnderTheMoonlightWeDanced · 12/03/2022 11:20

Just be prepared for when you leave (which I really hope you do…) he will go “HA SEE ITS BECAUSE YOU'RE SHAGGING ARPUND” you need to be the bigger person and just completely cut all communication. He actually sounds mentally unwell…

CPL593H · 12/03/2022 11:21

OP, even if your colleague relocated to Mars, your boyfriend would find someone else to fixate on, because he is paranoid and controlling. It is no way for you to live and it will get worse. However painful a break up is now, it will be much harder after marriage and house purchase.

It sounds like you know what you should do and I hope you can do it.

NinjaQueen · 12/03/2022 11:23

I am worried that if I break up with him he will be convinced it is for this other guy and try to earn his wife or something.

I would be absolutely mortified if my colleague gets dragged into this delusion. So far he is totally unaware that he is the subject of this obsession.

I don't know if I should warn him or apologise or something.

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 12/03/2022 11:24

Thats good you have a few days free of him to get some headspace. I wouldn't be surprised if he bombards you with messages though or disrespect your request for space in other ways. Hope not.

Might be wise to see about an emergency lock change before you leave. Just so that when u come back that if you've ended it or are about to, he won't be able to just walk in.

WatieKatie · 12/03/2022 11:24

This will only get worse OP. As difficult as it will be you need to call it a day before it gets worse. Which it will.

NinjaQueen · 12/03/2022 11:25

He doesn't have a key to mine, I have a key to his but my door is rarely locked if I am in so he's never needed a key.

Obviously that will change this weekend and the door will be locked.

OP posts:
PersephonePomegranate · 12/03/2022 11:26

He is insane.

When I saw he was on the course I offered to drop out

And please, never, ever consider sabotaging your own life for some controlling arsehole's paranoia.

Northernsoullover · 12/03/2022 11:27

Oh OP please end this. He sounds exactly like my former partner who was 90% of the time a really decent bloke. It was always someone. He'd fixate on someone convinced I was wanting to shag them or vice versa. If this man got run over by a steam roller I bet you he would find someone else to fixate on.
I'm 6 months free of the dickhead and I can't help but wonder where all these men I'm supposed to want to shag or want to shag me are? 🤔 because it's pretty slim pickings here 😂 . I'm joking though. Really. I am far far happier being single than constantly having to justify myself or tip toe around his mood swings.

UnderTheMoonlightWeDanced · 12/03/2022 11:27

Please take on board what you just said. You are actually frightened of his unstable behaviour and that is a reason to be afraid to leave him. That he might go say something to the guy or his family. That right there is your absolute answer from yourself not to be with this person…

NinjaQueen · 12/03/2022 11:30

@UnderTheMoonlightWeDanced

Please take on board what you just said. You are actually frightened of his unstable behaviour and that is a reason to be afraid to leave him. That he might go say something to the guy or his family. That right there is your absolute answer from yourself not to be with this person…
That's my big fear. This guy and his family don't deserve to have to suffer because of my choice of relationship.

I'm not sure how to handle that aspect.

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 12/03/2022 11:31

@NinjaQueen

I am worried that if I break up with him he will be convinced it is for this other guy and try to earn his wife or something.

I would be absolutely mortified if my colleague gets dragged into this delusion. So far he is totally unaware that he is the subject of this obsession.

I don't know if I should warn him or apologise or something.

I don't think he will but I would tell your hr just incase. They will decide if he needs to give him a heads up or not.

It is possible he will spread rumours in the workplace that will get back to the guy. But using a third party to talk to him is probably wiser than messaging him yourself.

'I'm breaking up with my partner because he has been paranoid and controlling. He keeps accusing me of sleeping with other men. Including jim from accounts. I wanted to pre warn you incase it because an issue. I haven't said anything to Jim as I suspect he wouldn't actually accuse him of anything and it was just a tactic to control me. But, heads up'.

NinjaQueen · 12/03/2022 11:32

I would be mortified to admit that to Hr.

My bf doesn't work with us not sure if that's clear really.

OP posts:
mswales · 12/03/2022 11:33

Your boyfriend is abusive and this will only get worse. Please please leave him before that happens

Lurking9to5 · 12/03/2022 11:35

Id say nothing to yr colleague for now. If it comes up say the relationship ended because of his insecurities. Leave it there.

Pinkbonbon · 12/03/2022 11:40

Ah I getcha, I thought he did but just not in the same office amd that's why he went on the work trips.

Hmm, I think I would leave it for now then. I don't believe he will confront another man (partly because I don't believe he actually believes that you cheated). Though I wouldnt put it past him to message his partner out of spite tbf. To try cause trouble for you at work.

I think just deal with that issue IF it arises.
Worry about just getting away first.

You can always tell her if she messages you that you split with him because he was paranoid and controlling. It's up to her if she believes it or not.

Maybe give the guy a heads up at work though.
That way he can warn her first.

Pinkbonbon · 12/03/2022 11:42

Hmm I'm yoyo-ing lol.

I'd say leave it for now.

And as pp said, if it comes up 'my ex had insecurities so I broke up with him'.

Lurking9to5 · 12/03/2022 11:45

Definitely leave it.
What others might think if there were a smear campaign from an x is not in op's control.
She knows she has done nothing wrong.

RoyKentsChestHair · 12/03/2022 11:45

I was kind of hoping someone would say well yea, he has a point, I wouldn't like my husband doing those things either

What things?! You haven’t done anything. You were coincidentally put on a team with someone of the opposite sex for a challenge which didn’t include spending actual time together. You’ve been sent on a course with colleagues of the opposite sex. You’ve liked the posts of people you follow on SM. Isn’t that kind of the point of SM? I mean the only even vaguely personal thing you’ve mentioned is the lifts home, but even without that, if your BF is so convinced of your infidelity that he doesn’t believe you then there’s no trust in your relationship. He’s not saying “I accept that nothing has happened and I don’t know why I feel so irrationally jealous about this guy - it just be a hangover from my previous relationship, I’ll get some counselling”. He’s saying “I know you say nothing happened but I know better. Don’t worry I forgive you for the thing you haven’t even done and it’s all ok but I will hold it over you forever and accuse you of it every time we argue for the rest of your life

Muchtooyoungtofeelthisdamold · 12/03/2022 11:46

Leave him. I have been there, started out obsessed with one person and then moved on to any guy I spoke to, shopkeepers, workmen on phone etc, basically anytime I spoke to a man I was flirting etc or he would ask did I want to sleep with them. It got to the point where I just would not speak to men at all or make eye contact. I am now single almost 5 years and still have trouble speaking to men incase they think I’m flirting with them even though I am not flirty in the slightest. It has broken me and I constantly still feel a sense of guilt if I’ve spoken to a man, even just in passing, when in reality I’ve absolutely nothing to be guilty of. A lot of it also revolved round the men at my work as he probably felt he had no control over that bit of my life. Funny enough once we had kids he did not want me to go back to work either which was actually what led me to leave him.

RoyKentsChestHair · 12/03/2022 11:47

@NinjaQueen

I would be mortified to admit that to Hr.

My bf doesn't work with us not sure if that's clear really.

It wasn’t clear in your OP whether it was the walking challenge man or your DP who went on the work trips I think.
MulticatHouse · 12/03/2022 11:55

I had one like this, thank god it was back in the days before social media and mobile phones.
I can't even begin to imagine what he would be like these days.
It starts small and over time get worse, like boiling a frog.

I couldn't talk to anyone, couldn't go anywhere, couldn't wear make up, nice clothes or perfume because he thought it was to attract some random other man.

If I was 5 minutes late home from work I was having an affair.
If I was too long at the supermarket I was having an affair.

He blacked my eye once after someone I knew said hello to me in the pub.

I lasted for 5 years and it nearly broke me.
He was lovely a lot of the time too.

Men like this NEVER change and it will only get worse.