Is this the end of the relationship?

[NinjaQueen]

I got with my boyfriend during covid when everyone was working from home or on furlough. Lockdown made for an intense relationship I think and sped everything up,

Eventually I went back to work in the office and he had become fixated on a colleague of mine.

When we went back there was a walking challenge organised and we were in teams of 4 (our steps were added together, we didn't walk together) I wasn't in the office when the teams were sorted but in my absence I was nominated team captain and a guy I knew from another dept was put in my team.

My boyfriend didn't like it.

Later we both (unknown to each other) applied to be on a course. There were only 15 places on the course and we were both accepted. This course has involved travelling once every other month and over night stays twice. Because we are the only two from our area we travel together.

When I saw he was on the course I offered to drop out. My bf assured me he was fine with it and insisted I stay on it. However I get accused of sleeping with this guy every time we have a course day.

Every time we stay over I video call him as soon as I get in bed and stay on the call for over an hour two until I am ready to sleep. However he text me after the call the first time, being as I was asleep I didn't answer until the morning which obviously meant I was not in my room, I had snuck off to my colleagues room for sex.

This man is (as far as I know) happily married with two children, has never shown an inappropriate interest in me or gave me any awkward feelings.

I don't fancy him, never have and have never considered an affair with him, he's married. Plus you don't shiit where you eat! I have been in the company for years and am working hard to build my reputation and career there.

He has worked there at least 6 years and whilst we have crossed paths many times even shock at Christmas dos where we have both been drunk, we have managed to not sleep together in all that time.

It's gotten to the point where the accusations are daily. I can't mention if I have spoken to him in work. I can't talk about the course.

I drive past his house one day a week, a 7 minute drive or a 40 min walk for him so I have been dropping him off when the weather is bad. I phone my boyfriend immediately when he gets out of the car so he knows we aren't pulled into a lay-by having sex in rush hour.

We have had each other on social media for years (before I knew my bf) and he does like a lot of my stuff. I don't like much of his. In the last 12 months I like a picture of a family day out sometime in June I think. My bf doesn't like that he likes so much of my stuff. I have offered to close down my social media and take a social media break (I think it would be awkward to just remove him especially when we have to talk because of the course).

Anyway my bf has now followed him on Instagram and announced that he knows something happened between us in the summer before I met him and he's ok with it because it obviously ended when I met bf.

He is basing this on the fact "I liked everything he put on Instagram between august and December that year and haven't liked anything since" so when I asked him to show me - I actually liked 4 holiday pictures of him and his family all on the same day in august two days after I opened my Instagram account. Then a picture of a family day out in December and a picture of his kids at Christmas. There were a few other posts in between that I hadn't liked.

Sorry this is so long. But basically I can't see this ever ending, we have argued and argued about it and I have begged him to either stop accusing me daily or if he genuinely believes I am a liar and a cheat to leave me.

He agreed to drop it, then the next day immediately conducted his investigation and came up with his half cocked theory based on his "evidence".

I have never slept with this man, I have no intentions of, I was very happy in my relationship, but I can't cope with the same arguments over and over and constantly defending myself.

Sorry that is so long!

IF you continue in this relationship it should be with some major changes. No more FaceTiming to prove you’re in bed or calling after you’ve dropped colleague off.
No more pandering to this in any way, if he starts on you close it down firmly and say you won’t be discussing it again.

This setting of a clear boundary MIGHT be effective in getting him to stop this ludicrous behaviour, or it might not be.

Up to you if you give it a try, but I can tel you nothing will change here unless you change it.

He sounds like an abusive cunt at worst and an obsessive, creepy stalking social media wtf bore at best.

How can you put up with that? How is that attractive or sexy? Aren't you worth more?

Your bf is nuts, and putting you on trial for something you haven't done. You've done nothing ''wrong'' so why are you putting up with these accusations from him?

End the relationship. If anybody tries to draw you in to conversation about it at work just say something bland like ''it became very difficult, I'm relieved to be single now''. That hints at him being bad but doesn't smear him or sound bitchy. It's your absolute prerogative to say that you're happy being single again.

Good luck.

I was scared that these were all the things you were going to say

So often when I was going through utter hell in my marriage I was kind of relieved that I couldn't post about it on MN (as he told me he could see everything I was doing on the internet) as I knew what the answers would be.

It's always the same in the end. My advice is don't give any more of yourself to this man, don't tell him how he's making you feel, start grey rocking him and be true to yourself

And no wonder its driving you nuts because asking the same question, making the same insinuations over and over and over again is an interrogation technique used by torturers. Not letting the person have any rest bite, hoping they will crack and reveal something, even something made up, in the hopes that their torturer will let them have a moments peace.

Relationships shouldn't be upsetting or exhausting or drive you to the brink of madness. They should feel safe and easy and bring out the best in you.

This man is a jailer, not a partner.
Hoping you find the strength to break free.

@NinjaQueen

I keep thinking there are only 3 more course days in person and one of them we will be travelling separately. If we can make it through those, April, June and September then it will be over and we can get back to normal.

But I think really I know that it won't stop there. He is convinced we see each other every day at work. (We don't) so he isn't going to just drop it when the course finishes.

You have it all wrong here.

You see this as a temporary issue which will resolve itself when the course is over.

But the core problem is that he is so insecure and jealous he's accusing you of things that haven't happened. A normal healthy person would just end the relationship instantly but you don't so on one level, you're as unhealthy as he is (sorry, been in similar foggy quagmires in the past, mean it kindly I promise

By staying in this relationship you're compounding his entitlement to put you up in the dock. You now have to defend yourself to him. The ongoing dynamic in the relationship is that you need to reassure him that you're not BAD.

Fuck. That.

Cheaters always believe everyone is cheating too. They judge you by their own standards.

Regardless, he is extremely controlling and it has become abusive, you need to leave, it will never get better, if it wasn’t this guy it would be someone else.

Unreasonable jealousy is a sign of controlling abusive behaviour. It will get worse

I won’t be back to normal when your course is over. There’ll be something else along the same lines.

I’d also echo those who think it’s likely projection. Do you actually have proof his ex cheated, or is there only his word? Abusers commonly lie about their exes.

The longer you keep hoping, the worse it’s going to be. Bite the bullet, gather your self respect, and end it now.

@NinjaQueen

I keep thinking there are only 3 more course days in person and one of them we will be travelling separately. If we can make it through those, April, June and September then it will be over and we can get back to normal.

But I think really I know that it won't stop there. He is convinced we see each other every day at work. (We don't) so he isn't going to just drop it when the course finishes.

Even if he magically stopped being a total psyco, you would never be able to relax around him again. You'd always be worried new accusations would start.

Also, he has shown himself to be, well, horrible.
He isn't a nice man. Nice people never behave the way he has. Surely the bare minimum in a partner is that they are a good human being? No? Decent then? ...he isn't anywhere close. He's a bully.

@Lurking9to5 I took it kindly, I know my boundaries are low and I am letting him treat me this way. It's on me to call it a day and assert myself.

I don't usually comment but your bf sounds pathetic! I would raise your standards fast! You sounds like a nice person who deserves a lot better than this idiot.

Do you live with him OP?

[quote NinjaQueen]@Lurking9to5 I took it kindly, I know my boundaries are low and I am letting him treat me this way. It's on me to call it a day and assert myself. [/quote]
oH I'm glad you understand the spirit in which it was meant. I have taken some shit in my past too. I tolerate nothing at all now! xx

When you do call it a day, do not get drawn in to defending yourself.

What I mean is, when you try to end it with this low self-esteem abusers, they are so defensive. They never accept your reason for wanting to end it as valid.

So eg, you say I want to end it because you're so jealous. Instead of hearing it's over, they instantly deflect and tell you your flaws. Then you feel the natural urge to defend yourself and instead of you saying it's over and him hearing that it's over, the ''energy'' is a couple having a fight.

I would say to him ''I don't want this any more''.

Whatever he says, keep it simple. I don't want this anymore. I want to be single. I want to be free. Dripping tap style. I just don't want this anymore. I want to break up. I want to be single.

He will of course accuse you of wanting to go and shag yerman but sure, according to him, being with him wouldn't have stopped you!!!

We don't live together no, we are engaged and have a wedding booked though, it's two years off yet, we are going to sell up and buy a house together after the wedding.

He spends a lot of time at mine though.

He honestly is lovely usually, he looks after me, always makes sure I have eaten, he is helpful, we have so much fun, we share a hobby which he is much more knowledgeable about so he guided me, he is thoughtful, kind, generous. We have amazing sex.

I thought I had found the person I was meant to be with, I could be myself with.

Then this. It's like he is a different person!

He present his findings last night and expected me to be happy about it because he said "I know something happens before you met me and I am ok with it"
So the fact he wasn't angry about it was supposed to reassure me that he had turned a corner.
I just saw red that we were talking about this guy again. That I was being called a liar again, I told him we had wasted the last 18 months and it's not the kind of relationship I want to be in.

If you stay together this will be your life and if it's not your colleague he's worried about it will be the next man.
He won't have an epiphany one day and start behaving normally. This is it.
Is this what you want the rest of your life to be?

@Abouttoblow

If you stay together this will be your life and if it's not your colleague he's worried about it will be the next man. He won't have an epiphany one day and start behaving normally. This is it. Is this what you want the rest of your life to be?

That's exactly what I am scared off.

I was kind of hoping someone would say well yea, he has a point, I wouldn't like my husband doing those things either.

So then I could fix it.

But I can't fix this and I know it deep down.

I haven't done anything wrong and I am never going to convince him that.

I would quite bluntly say "I am going to do whatever I need to do for my career whether you like it or not because I need my career to be successful and part of my life for a long time to come I am not so sure about you. Do I make myself clear?"

Oh phew.

I'm glad you don't live together.

So relieved for you.

Does he have a key? get the lock changed asap.

I suppose he's lovely to you because he's got low self-esteem and his fear is that he'll lose you but he's not so afraid of losing you that he takes responsibility for his own low self-esteem. He tries to deal with that low self- esteem by externalising all of his fears and doubts and trying to shame you and control you. I dated a man a bit like this. He was lovely in some ways but when we got close, hating himself became shaming me. I can't really explain it but I know it was himself he hated.

You will be ok, but you might need a bit of a support plan ending it. I know it will seem like a big deal ending an engagement. If he has a key to your place, I would get a couple of friends to house sit for a few days and leave your phone behind, go to a hotel for a couple of nights. Take some books and relax and detach. He would be texting you like a fucking maniac.

When you break it off with him he's not going to say ''ok'' so please take care of yourself. It might seem dramatic to ask your brother to sit in your place for a few days while you go to a cheap hotel with a pile of books and your laptop. But do it. You need to get through to him that you are not answerable to him. You can be uncontactable.

I might be projecting here, but I dated a ''lovely'' guy with a low self-esteem once. It wasn't easy ending it.

''I haven't done anything wrong and I am never going to convince him that.''

You're right. xx

He isn't lovely op. No lovely person treats a partner this way. I know it's hard to let go of the idea that he was one for you because he acted nice before...but now the mask is slipping. Now you see who he really is. Do not ignore it. Lovely people do not abuse their partners. Ever.

As pp said, go with things like 'this just isn't working for me anymore'. Don't be drawn into explaining or justifying. He will try to convince you that you owe him more (so that he can use what you say to gaslight and headfuck you) but stick to basic statements like the above. And change your locks.

It terrifies me that you are still not talking in past tense about weddings and living with this nutter though. Seriously op, give your head a wobble.

Maybe seek some personal therapy. Perhaps with a therapist who specialises in codepenency. To help you rebuild your self esteem and understand why on earth you didn't kick the bastard out sooner.

Oh but never agree to councilling with him btw. It is never recommended to go to councilling with an abuser as they will twist things and use it to further fuck you up.

I actually think this man could be potentially dangerous. Given time, seeing how deranged and preoccupied his thinking is already, he might get himself into such a rage that he ends up attacking you. He's not safe.

@frozendaisy

I would quite bluntly say "I am going to do whatever I need to do for my career whether you like it or not because I need my career to be successful and part of my life for a long time to come I am not so sure about you. Do I make myself clear?"

Oh god no, not with this guy. Red flag to a bull. That's like exposing your belly to a shark. Never tell abusers what matters most to you. Or especially that it matters to you more than them. That's the first thing they'll look to destroy for you.

@Pinkbonbon I know it's silly but I am slowly accepting it. I know that he is not going to change back to the nice guy now. I do know it. But I am still coming to terms with it a little.

I hardly slept all night thinking about it.

I sort of think of him still as the guy I thought he was and that this behaviour isn't really him.

I know deep down that it is but it's not easy to accept.

I don't want to lose him I really don't but I can't put up with this kind of behaviour and unfortunately it's not in my control.

I either accept him like this or leave. I can't change him.