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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is this the end of the relationship?

122 replies

NinjaQueen · 12/03/2022 09:05

I got with my boyfriend during covid when everyone was working from home or on furlough. Lockdown made for an intense relationship I think and sped everything up,

Eventually I went back to work in the office and he had become fixated on a colleague of mine.

When we went back there was a walking challenge organised and we were in teams of 4 (our steps were added together, we didn't walk together) I wasn't in the office when the teams were sorted but in my absence I was nominated team captain and a guy I knew from another dept was put in my team.

My boyfriend didn't like it.

Later we both (unknown to each other) applied to be on a course. There were only 15 places on the course and we were both accepted. This course has involved travelling once every other month and over night stays twice. Because we are the only two from our area we travel together.

When I saw he was on the course I offered to drop out. My bf assured me he was fine with it and insisted I stay on it. However I get accused of sleeping with this guy every time we have a course day.

Every time we stay over I video call him as soon as I get in bed and stay on the call for over an hour two until I am ready to sleep. However he text me after the call the first time, being as I was asleep I didn't answer until the morning which obviously meant I was not in my room, I had snuck off to my colleagues room for sex.

This man is (as far as I know) happily married with two children, has never shown an inappropriate interest in me or gave me any awkward feelings.

I don't fancy him, never have and have never considered an affair with him, he's married. Plus you don't shiit where you eat! I have been in the company for years and am working hard to build my reputation and career there.

He has worked there at least 6 years and whilst we have crossed paths many times even shock at Christmas dos where we have both been drunk, we have managed to not sleep together in all that time.

It's gotten to the point where the accusations are daily. I can't mention if I have spoken to him in work. I can't talk about the course.

I drive past his house one day a week, a 7 minute drive or a 40 min walk for him so I have been dropping him off when the weather is bad. I phone my boyfriend immediately when he gets out of the car so he knows we aren't pulled into a lay-by having sex in rush hour.

We have had each other on social media for years (before I knew my bf) and he does like a lot of my stuff. I don't like much of his. In the last 12 months I like a picture of a family day out sometime in June I think. My bf doesn't like that he likes so much of my stuff. I have offered to close down my social media and take a social media break (I think it would be awkward to just remove him especially when we have to talk because of the course).

Anyway my bf has now followed him on Instagram and announced that he knows something happened between us in the summer before I met him and he's ok with it because it obviously ended when I met bf.

He is basing this on the fact "I liked everything he put on Instagram between august and December that year and haven't liked anything since" so when I asked him to show me - I actually liked 4 holiday pictures of him and his family all on the same day in august two days after I opened my Instagram account. Then a picture of a family day out in December and a picture of his kids at Christmas. There were a few other posts in between that I hadn't liked.

Sorry this is so long. But basically I can't see this ever ending, we have argued and argued about it and I have begged him to either stop accusing me daily or if he genuinely believes I am a liar and a cheat to leave me.

He agreed to drop it, then the next day immediately conducted his investigation and came up with his half cocked theory based on his "evidence".

I have never slept with this man, I have no intentions of, I was very happy in my relationship, but I can't cope with the same arguments over and over and constantly defending myself.

Sorry that is so long!

OP posts:
NinjaQueen · 12/03/2022 11:58

Ah sorry it's the walking team colleague who comes on the work trips.

My bf doesn't like it that we have to stay in the same hotel on these trips (my colleague and I). That's why I was video calling him while I was away, so he could see I was in my room on my own.

OP posts:
OhDearMuriel · 12/03/2022 12:09

@MulticatHouse is right.
For whatever reason, men like this are very fucked up and lacking and it will only get worse.
This is emotional abuse at the moment and it could quite easily become physical abuse.

flipflopjump · 12/03/2022 12:10

He's stalking you and controlling you. It doesn't matter how nice he is, this is a recipe for a lifetime of angst if you remain with him.

You'll do the right thing by ending the relationship. If he won't leave you alone or approached your colleague contact the police.

Aquamarine1029 · 12/03/2022 12:13

My bf doesn't like it that we have to stay in the same hotel on these trips (my colleague and I). That's why I was video calling him while I was away, so he could see I was in my room on my own.

Why, why, why would you pander to this controlling bullshit?

MulticatHouse · 12/03/2022 12:20

Honestly, it's not a normal, loving relationship.

When I left my ex it was like a massive weight was lifted off me.
My Mum said I looked anorexic when I was with him because I lived on my nerves. Always tip toeing around on egg shells, avoiding certain subjects, not seeing certain people. In fact I went to work, the supermarket and visited HIS family only.

I didn't see mine from one month to the next. I certainly NEVER went out with my friends or work mates. It became such a nightmare, the lead up, the night and the day after that I just stopped. Too many accusations of me having an affair.

When I left him I said to myself that I would never accept that sort of behavior again. And I didn't.

Loopytiles · 12/03/2022 12:26

You’ve had your head in the sand for more than a few days!

You could make a list of things he’s done, from the start, that you felt bad or weird about.

As regards your colleague, if your BF / ex BF said or did anything inappropriate that would be down to him, and not your fault!

Weatherwax13 · 12/03/2022 12:30

Please run. I know you're really upset - but you're in love with who you first thought he was. Not who he truly is.
This kind of abuse always escalate IME. Soon enough it won't just be about this work colleague. .
You obviously have great things ahead of you.
Stay laser focused on the opportunities you've created for yourself through your own hard work and cut this bloke loose.
He's unstable not insecure.

totallyoutnumbered · 12/03/2022 12:30

I totally agree with everything other posters have said. What is he like when you have a night out with friends without him?. I couldn't live like this OP. Utterly exhausting for you 😞. Oh and the one man who did try to treat me like this was actually cheating himself. Go figure x

daytriptovulcan · 12/03/2022 12:38

His knob must be made of gold, I mean why are you putting up with this. End this abuse and leave him.

ColMustardInTheLibrary · 12/03/2022 12:45

Run away! Don’t look back!

fourquenelles · 12/03/2022 12:49

I would be mortified to admit that to Hr

You need to though to take the power away from him. He, even subconsciously, is relying on you being mortified, embarrassed, ashamed (all emotions that you do not need to have btw) You must tell your story before he has a chance to tell his. Take away his weapons. Give this work colleague and his family a heads up that there is a nutter on the loose.

thenewduchessoflapland · 12/03/2022 12:57

The thing is this isn't just about your colleague.It's about having control over you.

This won't be limited to just this colleague,he could leave the job and your boyfriend will find another male in your life to fixate on.

It won't stop,the controlling behaviour will get worse.And if you get married and have kids with this man he'll use them as tools to really tighten the leash.

You have the chance to walk away from this.

billy1966 · 12/03/2022 18:58

He IS a controlling abusive man and if you think your life is stressful NOW, you have no idea of just how awful your life would be married and living with him.

He's a flawed character, like all serial cheaters are.

He ia amoral and judges others by his low standards.

And don't think for one second what he feels for you is love, because real love is nothing like what he feels for you.

He just wants to control you, to feed his moral abyss.

You would NEVER feel contentment and peace with him, just a constant low level anxiety and confusion as he constantly moved the goal posts to you proving your innocence of whatever his latest accusation would be.

In short, a headfxxk.

Do NOT allow him bring one moments grief to your innocent colleague.

Go to HR at the slightest hint of him kicking off.
Tell them the truth, he's an abusive fxxkwit and you have finished with him.
Tell the truth about your break up.
Don't protect him.
Flowers

TurquoiseDragon · 12/03/2022 19:08

@Pinkbonbon

I'll let you in on the big secret op - theres every chance your bf doesn't believe you shagged this guy. He just wants you to believe he believes it.

It is an abuser tactic to keep you too busy trying to prove your innocence/purity/goodness or loyalty. You get so stuck on that merry go round that you never think 'hey, wait a minute, but how is HE treating ME?'.

STOP trying to prove yourself. He knows.
Even if he didn't, he would still know his behaviour is unacceptable, controlling and wrong.

START asking yourself why you are staying woth an abusive controlling man.

You'll probably think 'oh but if I leave him, ge will insist it's because I was cheating and he was right' right?' Yes, he probably will. But so what? He'll be deleted and blocked and you'll never have to waste another second defending yourself to a fuckinh asshat ever again. But you have to choose to break the cycle.

If you stay, he'll probably get you fired. He will also ramp up the controlling behaviour. And even uf he drops the you cheating bs, he will find another stick to beat you with.

Its abuse op, pretty damn abuse at that. Run. Fast and far. Do the freedom programme online. And learn how to spot narcissists (npd) and other such abusers once you are out so that you never date one again.

This.

I've been there, my ex was abusive, and it took me 30 years to get out.

You need to dump and run, like yesterday. Don't waste your tme like I did. And get some counselling to strengthen your boundaries for the future.

Don't worry what he might think, or even what he might say to people.

When I left my ex, people were telling me the things he was saying about me. I just smiled and told people I had some damn good reasons for leaving and left it at that. Eventually, he gave up trying to get people to think bad of me, it didn't work.

Hen2018 · 12/03/2022 19:31

Get rid, OP.

It doesn’t get any better.

Tulipsandviolets · 13/03/2022 07:41

How draining. He sounds like a potential nut job. Get rid of him this will only get worse

HollowTalk · 13/03/2022 08:13

You are walking on eggshells around an insane man. He might be nice at times but honestly he's a complete and utter nutcase who is trying to control your life. Thank God you don't live with him.

Sorehandsandfeet · 13/03/2022 09:46

Run! I've been with my husband for 20 years, a few years ago we suffered some losses and then his friends wife had an affair and another woman he knows cheated. His mental health dipped and one day he came home and tried to hint that I, too had cheated. That was it! I told him that there was no way in hell I was putting up with that shit, trust is vital and we always trusted each other implicitly. If he didn't trust me he could leave straight away, I had nothing to prove and I wasn't going down that road. Next morning he sought help for his mental health, he had been feeling worthless and it was fear of abandonment. This was a few years ago now and it has never happened again. BUT, I know this man inside out, it was out of character for him. I meant it when I said I would end the marriage, even after so many years and 2 children. I will not feed anyone's paranoia, it would make life miserable.
This man is showing you how he is now, it will not get better, he trusts you or he doesn't, you do not need to PROVE you are worthy. You know yourself, someone else will trust you and you can have a life.

misskatamari · 13/03/2022 17:15

Fucking hell, he sounds unhinged. Please please get out of this relationship. I actually worry for your safety, as his behaviour is so irrational and controlling. This is not tonal behaviour at all! Please leave

misskatamari · 13/03/2022 17:16

Not normal behaviour

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 13/03/2022 19:28

Don't worry about what he might do if you break up. Your concern right now is that you are with someone whose potential behaviour after breaking up is worrying you. That alone is enough to end it.

If he kicks off, then you've got yourself a stalker and there are plenty of mechanisms in place to deal with that. None of them will see you as anything but the victim. The sooner you deal with it, the better chance you have of walking away undamaged.

ToastofLandon · 13/03/2022 19:34

Don’t walk. Run. This is not normal, he is a walking red flag and it will only get worse. Get out now before things escalate.

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