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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is this the end of the relationship?

122 replies

NinjaQueen · 12/03/2022 09:05

I got with my boyfriend during covid when everyone was working from home or on furlough. Lockdown made for an intense relationship I think and sped everything up,

Eventually I went back to work in the office and he had become fixated on a colleague of mine.

When we went back there was a walking challenge organised and we were in teams of 4 (our steps were added together, we didn't walk together) I wasn't in the office when the teams were sorted but in my absence I was nominated team captain and a guy I knew from another dept was put in my team.

My boyfriend didn't like it.

Later we both (unknown to each other) applied to be on a course. There were only 15 places on the course and we were both accepted. This course has involved travelling once every other month and over night stays twice. Because we are the only two from our area we travel together.

When I saw he was on the course I offered to drop out. My bf assured me he was fine with it and insisted I stay on it. However I get accused of sleeping with this guy every time we have a course day.

Every time we stay over I video call him as soon as I get in bed and stay on the call for over an hour two until I am ready to sleep. However he text me after the call the first time, being as I was asleep I didn't answer until the morning which obviously meant I was not in my room, I had snuck off to my colleagues room for sex.

This man is (as far as I know) happily married with two children, has never shown an inappropriate interest in me or gave me any awkward feelings.

I don't fancy him, never have and have never considered an affair with him, he's married. Plus you don't shiit where you eat! I have been in the company for years and am working hard to build my reputation and career there.

He has worked there at least 6 years and whilst we have crossed paths many times even shock at Christmas dos where we have both been drunk, we have managed to not sleep together in all that time.

It's gotten to the point where the accusations are daily. I can't mention if I have spoken to him in work. I can't talk about the course.

I drive past his house one day a week, a 7 minute drive or a 40 min walk for him so I have been dropping him off when the weather is bad. I phone my boyfriend immediately when he gets out of the car so he knows we aren't pulled into a lay-by having sex in rush hour.

We have had each other on social media for years (before I knew my bf) and he does like a lot of my stuff. I don't like much of his. In the last 12 months I like a picture of a family day out sometime in June I think. My bf doesn't like that he likes so much of my stuff. I have offered to close down my social media and take a social media break (I think it would be awkward to just remove him especially when we have to talk because of the course).

Anyway my bf has now followed him on Instagram and announced that he knows something happened between us in the summer before I met him and he's ok with it because it obviously ended when I met bf.

He is basing this on the fact "I liked everything he put on Instagram between august and December that year and haven't liked anything since" so when I asked him to show me - I actually liked 4 holiday pictures of him and his family all on the same day in august two days after I opened my Instagram account. Then a picture of a family day out in December and a picture of his kids at Christmas. There were a few other posts in between that I hadn't liked.

Sorry this is so long. But basically I can't see this ever ending, we have argued and argued about it and I have begged him to either stop accusing me daily or if he genuinely believes I am a liar and a cheat to leave me.

He agreed to drop it, then the next day immediately conducted his investigation and came up with his half cocked theory based on his "evidence".

I have never slept with this man, I have no intentions of, I was very happy in my relationship, but I can't cope with the same arguments over and over and constantly defending myself.

Sorry that is so long!

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 12/03/2022 10:20

@FlowerArranger

I actually think this man could be potentially dangerous. Given time, seeing how deranged and preoccupied his thinking is already, he might get himself into such a rage that he ends up attacking you. He's not safe.
Unfortunately I get the feeling with this particular one too. He seems unhinged and obsessive and that's not a good combo.

Maybe break up by phone. Or in public. You could get a camera doorbell too. Pps suggestion about going to a hotel for a few days after splitting is a good idea too. And tell your workplace.

Loopytiles · 12/03/2022 10:21

Why would you accept this behaviour? You deserve better.

NinjaQueen · 12/03/2022 10:24

I don't ever feel scared or threatened by him, I don't think he would be physical or violent towards me.

I know he loves me, he just has this insecurity that he can't get past.

The thing he fears most, losing me is what he is making happen though. It's like a self fulfilling prophecy.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 12/03/2022 10:27

I know he loves me

No, he does not. This is not what love is. He sees you a a thing to control and possess. That is not love.

Gonnagetgoing · 12/03/2022 10:29

Controlling, jealous and accusing you of cheating and the other stuff? I dealt with this in my late 20s for first time. Doesn’t get better and he actually cheated on me. Dump this one.

Kinko · 12/03/2022 10:31

RUN RUN RUN RUN

WTF? he sounds deranged

lemongreentea · 12/03/2022 10:33

why are you still with this loser?

Gonnagetgoing · 12/03/2022 10:36

If it’s not this man he’s jealous of it’ll be another one.

The man I dated I lived with him for a short time, near his mum and the other side of London from my family and friends. Didn’t drive then (actually took and passed my test then though) and he resented driving me to see family. He’s now married with 2 kids and I almost 99.9% sure he’s cheated on his wife but not in touch with any friends. Reason I know this is a couple of years before lockdown I was in a bar in London, one of the girlfriends of his mates was on a night out. We said hi and had a drink and she made a few comments alluding to my ex cheating on his wife but wouldn’t say for sure if he had done. I did mention to her my ex had cheated (she asked why we’d broken up) but I’d found out after we broke up and she wasn’t that surprised.

Pinkbonbon · 12/03/2022 10:37

Women aren't rehab for damaged men.
And there's no excuse for abuse.

If I agreed with you that it was 'insecurity', he still should not be dating anyone considering how he behaves.

Hopefully you will get away safely. But take every precaution. Because I'm sure that 6 months back you would neve have believed he would be driving you crazy, accusing you of cheating with a colleague. His sort are unpredictable. Even more so when losing control.

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 12/03/2022 10:38

Abusers never reveal what they are at the beginning, then no one would get into relationships with them.

What is happening with this issue is he is projecting. He is the cheat, you know he is, he has told you he cheated in the past. There is a good chance he will cheat on you one day too, once he has you where he wants you, beaten down and treading eggshells to placate him.

This controlling behaviour is just the tip of the iceberg, eventually you wont go anywhere, wear anything or do anything without his approval. Boiling the frog, the water just slowly heats up and the frog doesn't realise what is happening.

You know what you have to do.

Gonnagetgoing · 12/03/2022 10:38

I was the exact same as you OP had no experience of a jealous or controlling man and not long after I started seeing him mentioned this to a best friend who’d had been in this sort of relationship and she warned me off. Funnily enough when she met him twice with me, she didn’t like him at all but was polite.

It won’t get better and you can’t change him.

Lurking9to5 · 12/03/2022 10:41

He might well love you but he wont tak3 responsibility for his insecurities and low self esteem. He projects that on to you for you to endure. Love isn't enough.

Gonnagetgoing · 12/03/2022 10:41

Oh, another thing! I used to dress well and he knew that. But one day I wore something which matched - he said to me “oh that’s nice, like what my mum would wear as it matches” meant it in a flattering way. Then it turned into him buying stuff for me to wear. All his choices. Or saying he didn’t like a skirt of mine. He hated another best friend etc.

NinjaQueen · 12/03/2022 10:45

Love isn't enough and that's the sad thing.

I can't even express how much I adore this man and how excited I was about our future together.

I am absolutely besotted, I fancy him like crazy, we are perfect for each other.

But none of that matters because I can't live my life like this. I feel like I am drowning, I don't know how else to describe it.

I'm just really sad that I can't fix it and have to accept he's not the person I thought he was.

OP posts:
Lurking9to5 · 12/03/2022 10:47

You cant fix it and your change of focus from you fixing it to you protecting yourself is really a sign of becoming less co dependent and having more healthy boundaries. Protect yrslf. Xx

Lurking9to5 · 12/03/2022 10:50

I always used to focus on fixing things. It's so sad but also the start of new phases in emotional health to accept the painful truth that love isnt enough and what he's put you through is too much. 💔

NinjaQueen · 12/03/2022 10:55

@Lurking9to5 it's just so sad isn't it. I am gutted to be coming to this conclusion but kind of calm and resigned too.

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 12/03/2022 10:55

I think we have to love ourselves first. And that means being kind to ourselves and removing ourselves from people who are a threat to our self love and our sanity.

Also...love to me is kindness. It's not possessiveness or jealousy or judgement or control. I think he may have an obsession for you. And that can feel like a heady, all consuming love. But it isn't really.

If he loved you, he would have chose to let you go a million times over rather than seek to contain you and dampen your shine like he has.

NinjaQueen · 12/03/2022 10:57

@Pinkbonbon everything you say makes sense. I am taking it all onboard, slowly.

OP posts:
Redannie118 · 12/03/2022 11:00

Im a very, very insecure person due to being cheated on and abused in various relationships. my DH knows this. He has female friends and work colleagues and before we WFH he used to give them lifts ect. He always behaved in an appropriate way and would tell me who had spoken too that day etc. I never stopped him, questioned him or made him feel guilty. This is love, not projecting your irrational feelings onto someone else and making them responsible for your sadness. Dump him, please !

SummerWhisper · 12/03/2022 11:03

When he cheats on you, he will blame you for making him do it because of your behaviour.

I really get how you feel about him, but the intense attraction is meaningless amidst the utter degradation of you.

Lurking9to5 · 12/03/2022 11:03

Can I recommend the practice of self-compassion. I love kristen neff phd and christopher germer phd's workbook.

I really like it. Ive loved the build yr own intentions. Tune in to what do you need now. Eg if you long/ need to hear from him that he understands that you had no choice, you will not get that from him so you have to tell yourself "i understand my decision. I honour my right to step away from dysfunction. I believe in my decision.".

I may not be doing it justice there!!

Wallywobbles · 12/03/2022 11:04

My ExH accused me of sleeping with his best friend when I got pregnant. Couldn't be his kid. Despite him knowing I wasn't on the pill and him choosing not to use condoms!

It turned out he was cheating on me.

Pinkbonbon · 12/03/2022 11:06

Yeh you'd find out and confront him and it would be 'I only cheated because you did'. And then you'd be right back at square one defending your innocence again. Might even be his plan tbh.

Shuffleuplove · 12/03/2022 11:12

The replies on this thread are way more reserved that I expected, when I read your OP, open mouthed.

Where are your boundaries?????? This is HORRIBLE.

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