If a man said 'she's no Scarlett Johansson' about you

[Onthetoadagain]

Hi, just wanting a sense check on a new man. We have been getting on great but I can't shake a slight feeling about him he said something last night and I felt really upset.

He asked me what I had been telling my friends about him, and I told him the nice things I had said. He proceeded to say he had been saying to a friend that he was happy to be with me, some good points, but that 'she is no (say) Scarlett Johansson but I like her a lot'.

I'm not saying I have supermodel looks but I'm a young looking 30-something and get a lot of compliments so it feels like a bit of a knock! I just don't get why he had to compare me to a movie star, or anyone at all, and find me lacking! As in why would he be expecting to meet an A list star?! Would anyone else be deflated by this?

Am I right in thinking that saying 's/he is no Brad Pitt/ Cindy Crawford/ whoever' just means 's/he's not great looking'?

Again, not saying I am Marilyn Monroe but is this a bit weird. Surely if he was happy to be with me he would only say nice things? He's generally very complimentary about my looks so I just don't get why he had to be backhanded in this way.

I have self esteem and boundary issues hence asking.

@LadyLothbrook

Negging. Wouldn't work for me. I wanna be adored.

Definitely this

You deserve better

That’s a horrible thing to say. And to tell you that he said that to his friend should definitely make me think of not seeing him again. Imagine what he’ll get like after a few years if he’s being this unpleasant so early on. You deserve better.

He sounds to be going for set pieces from some rulebook about how to treat 'wimin ' and keep them begging.

I guess that he hasn't seemed completely insensitive or cruel until now orcyou would not feel so puzzled.

Is he deeply insecure and inexperienced? This might explain the rulebook approach... but it isn't attractive as a strategy and it does suggest that you are not quite real to him.

Leave him to his fantasy. He can (pretend to) dominate her from far far away.

I wouldn't put up with this.

I would just politely walk away, secretly thinking he's really rather stupid, so not for me.

Negging, lol. He’s been doing some reading online!

You can do better op!

He's a dick OP! And he's shown you the sort of crap and belittling you are going to get by staying with him. Who on earth says something like that in the new stage of a relationship?!

Nobody is perfect physically, emotionally, spiritually, morally

You can find someone better, who loves you, for you

He's a cock. Dump him.

Scarlett Johansson, I'm not sure you said it was her he actually mentioned, but I she's not attractive to my mind, a kind of bland-averageness. I bet you're much lovelier than her!

There's the negging, the grudging you've got "some good points" and he's "happy to be with you", well thats all rather underwhelming lets say. Also very odd.

Either to :-

• deliberately hurt you (and bring you down, try and make you feel insecure) i.e. negging
• he's just a complete tool with no sense of normal feelings
• he's really just not that "into you"

Take your pick? Whatever the reason, it sounds very "off" and I'd not be looking to see him again.

I am so sorry, that is an appalling comment. It shows his insecurities, he is putting you down to big himself up. This isn't a nice person. I would just be very simple and clear - 'when you said that I realised you weren't a nice person. You didn't make me feel bad about myself, you made me feel bad about you'.

@GrumpyTerrier

I have dated a guy who would always comment on my body. I'm not thin but clearly he found me attractive-- however he would always comment on my weight in some way that seemed jokey but was actually hurtful. And I couldn't say anything back cos technically it was true, I was overweight a bit. But why say it? What was he trying to achieve? He was miles less attractive than me anyway. Never understood it.

Because he knew that and didn't want you to know it too. Yuk.

Totally unnecessary and does not bode well at all

He sounds like a dickhead and I don't think Scarlett Johanson is all that and has had her boobs done and lips etc. Tell him he is no Tom Hardy or a younger Johnny Depp. He is trying to bring your confidence down and break you down. I would take a few days away from this man as what person would say this to your face except to try to put you in your place. Am betting you are the more attractive out of the two of you and even if you were not it is an awful thing to tell you that he said. Red flag. Do not ever let a man put you down about your personality or looks or body. He is the one who is insecure and wants you to feel down about yourself. Like the comment that I haven't got time for this said..Tell him well you are no Keanu who I love and tell him bye.

@Onthetoadagain

I feel so genuinely down about this. I really thought I had found someone good.

Its better to find about this now than later on after you invested your time with him.

He comes across as a toxic and poisonous man. This can destroy you until you become so emotionally dependent on him that you forget who you are.

Move on now so you can meet someone better.

Tell him that he has a small willy and a big ego and is a dickhead and you are off to find someone who looks like Keanu with a big willy. I know sounds childish but I would not be nice to him again. I had an ex who was putting me down and am a fairly good looking woman, not as slim as I used to be as am 53 but he was no oil painting but knew he was jealous and wanted to put me in my place little digs here and there and in the end I felt like you and I had read on mumsnet about boundaries and red flags and dumped his ass, felt I could breathe again. Am so much happier single and am staying single as could not be arsed with men. Love yourself first and dump him please as this is the start of him and it will get worse. A relationship should make you feel good about yourself and build each other up regardless of how you look and not be putting a person down. You will be fine and will feel happier when you are not with him. Well done for realizing the red flags and not getting sucked into his world as he would only be worse and emotionally abusive and believe me it breaks your soul/spirit and can take years to repair. xx

I’d say well you are no Liam neeson!
What a creep! Doesn’t sound very keen. I’d bin.

Scarlett Johansson, I'm not sure you said it was her he actually mentioned, but I she's not attractive to my mind, a kind of bland-averageness. I bet you're much lovelier than her!

Blimey. Is this what #bekind drives people to?

I appreciate you were trying to be supportive but what a banal comment.

Massive red flag, 100% negging designed to undermine your confidence and remind you to be greatful for him as you really don’t serve him all the ick, dump immediately and don’t be afraid to explain why!

I don't like this at all.

In my experience, this will be the start of shitty little comments, designed to chip away at your self esteem.

My advice is to get out now. He is not worth your time.

I’ve just remembered! My ex (obviously!) husband once said to me “well you are no Michelle Pheiffer”. Well I was much better looking than him and had modelled, also had my own income, no shortage of admirers and the rest of it. I bolted and so should you! I’m now 59 and wish I could give lessons to younger gals!

I think I’m just trying to say it’s so subjective! And just because people says someone is beautiful it ain’t necessarily so for everyone. It was a bit off topic, and wasn’t meant to be mean to Johansson, though I suppose it was (!), but also saying we don’t all think the same!

This is awful. it will get worse. He is breaking your confidence. You can do much better

And ….. a lot of “Hollywood” is bland ….

It’s the fact that he brought up so obviously knew what he was going to follow up with after he asked you.
Definitely negging you and probably getting a little thrill at knowing it’s got you on the back foot.
I’d get rid.