If a man said 'she's no Scarlett Johansson' about you

[Onthetoadagain]

Hi, just wanting a sense check on a new man. We have been getting on great but I can't shake a slight feeling about him he said something last night and I felt really upset.

He asked me what I had been telling my friends about him, and I told him the nice things I had said. He proceeded to say he had been saying to a friend that he was happy to be with me, some good points, but that 'she is no (say) Scarlett Johansson but I like her a lot'.

I'm not saying I have supermodel looks but I'm a young looking 30-something and get a lot of compliments so it feels like a bit of a knock! I just don't get why he had to compare me to a movie star, or anyone at all, and find me lacking! As in why would he be expecting to meet an A list star?! Would anyone else be deflated by this?

Am I right in thinking that saying 's/he is no Brad Pitt/ Cindy Crawford/ whoever' just means 's/he's not great looking'?

Again, not saying I am Marilyn Monroe but is this a bit weird. Surely if he was happy to be with me he would only say nice things? He's generally very complimentary about my looks so I just don't get why he had to be backhanded in this way.

I have self esteem and boundary issues hence asking.

Ditch Mr Negging for an empowering-but-platonic encounter with Bill Murray in a Tokyo hotel..

I feel so genuinely down about this. I really thought I had found someone good.

@Onthetoadagain Try to feel glad that you saw through it/didn't accept it.

I bet you're way better looking than he is OP. Sounds to me like putting you down boosts his own ego. Sod him and his pathetic, nasty ways.

I'd put money on you being beutiful OP, and very much out of his league. Which is why the nasty comment to take you down a peg.
He's massively insecure, which is so unattractive and actually toxic. I'm trying to teach my kids to steer clear of insecure people.
Dump him, just text and say you're no longer feeling it. Goodbye.

Stop dating him. I'm sorry, OP, he was being rude about you and the fact he was then tactless enough to tell you suggests he's also thoughtless.

He's undermining your confidence. From bitter experience this is the start ... next he will be telling you you are lucky to be with him. Dump. You deserve better.

Sorry it didn't work out this time for you. The good thing is that you are listening to your gut and noticing when things aren't sitting right with you, rather than dismissing it and going along with things. That's progress towards wanting something better for yourself.

Prick

Is it usual to ask someone you’re dating what they’re saying to their friends about you? That in itself would make me cringe, let alone actually telling you about his stupid comment. Ditch him. You can do so much better than that.

I’d send a message “In view of your comment the other evening, it seems you have a very high opinion of yourself which I’m afraid I don’t share. I think it’s best we go our separate ways. Good luck in your search for your very own Scarlett Johannson!”

Nah, this is a red flag, don't sell yourself short because he's an arsehole. Move on, this is not the man for you. You deserve way better

What I find odd about it is Scarlett Johannsen is beautiful, yes. But then, her being beautiful or sexy or whatever has been projected onto us - it’s hardly an odd thing we find celebrities beautiful because we’re constantly told they’re wonderful.

But does she compare to my wife? I don’t think so- my wife is beautiful: but beauty is appreciating something good about someone. At the best scarlet johannsen can only be appreciated as good because she is sexually appealing. But I don’t know her, is she funny? Clever? Hard working? Caring? Generous? Has she had four children with someone? Sexually exciting? I mean there are a whole list of things about my wife that I find beautiful.

The bizarre thing about the modern concept of beauty (and the rather gauche habit of comparing looks) is that it mistakes entirely what beauty is. My love for my wife is in part what makes her beautiful, my father in law says that his wife has never been more beautiful (in their 60s).

It’s a foolish comment at the very best, which speaks of an ignorance about where people’s true value lies, and manipulation at the worst. Is he going to leave you if he ever has a chance with this other famous woman? I don’t know if the answer is to dump him, but I would at the very least ask what purpose his comment had? Did he mean to be so hurtful? Does he consider you appealing for nothing more than sexual availability? If he is a class a prick then for nothing else it’ll make him really uncomfortable.

Negging. Most of us are no Scarlett but the man you’re seeing should think you’re his dream girl no matter what. In fact you’ll hear them saying all sorts of nonsense like ‘you’ve got a look of *insert hot celeb name’ because when men are in love they have rose tinted specs on. The fact he said it was not without thought. He knows what he’s doing and that’s making sure you feel he’s doing you a favour. Dump this man now. And FYI never admit to a new man you’ve been discussing him with friends

Massive red flag. He bought up that topic deliberately so he could say this. He's testing your boundaries to see what shit you will put up with. I would dump him immediately. Obviously you don't look like a film star, few people do. Why is he a) saying this about you to his friends and even more b) creating opportunities to tell you this?

I'm afraid you may have to tell him that out of the goodness of your heart you are going to step aside and let him try his luck with Scarlett.

What a dick. It's negging. Run.
Emotional abuser alert!

I can count on one hand the number of men I’ve seen and would consider ‘good looking’.

Get rid of him now. What the fuck.

I would get rid. IME, this is the start of more bad things to come.Save yourself the heartache.

He's shown you who he is

Bin him off

What a dick thing to say

Negging. Wouldn't work for me. I wanna be adored.

Ya me too.

I'd tell him to fuck off with Scarlet Johansen. I'm sure he's no George Clooney either.

I have dated a guy who would always comment on my body. I'm not thin but clearly he found me attractive-- however he would always comment on my weight in some way that seemed jokey but was actually hurtful. And I couldn't say anything back cos technically it was true, I was overweight a bit. But why say it? What was he trying to achieve?
He was miles less attractive than me anyway. Never understood it.

It's reminding me of my dickhead first boyfriend who would say things like this, and like you mention grumpyterrier when I was a teenager.

Urgh.

I have a family thing today which I could really, really do without but think I'll get this out of the way and then let him know I can't move past the things he said.

A lot of blokes do a grading, ratings thing, about women, their sexiness, bodies, etc.

You can find that unacceptable or just compartmentalise it as "weird thing guys do". I am mostly staying neutral. But i guess on balance I'd count it mildly against a bloke rather than to his favour. And remind him that he's got to worry about meeting my standards, too.

A lot of blokes don't grade/rate and would fine it distasteful that others want to put women into league tables.

I seriously can't believe you would consider staying with him. It was a comment designed to firmly put you down. Look forward to more of the same if you continue and an erosion of what you already describe as low self esteem. Yes dating can be hard but it doesn't mean you just settle for any old arsehole once you start dating. There are better out there but you won't find them if you dont keep trying.
Find your self respect and get rid, you deserve much better