CRAZY story from MIL what do I do *(Content warning: concerns historic rape)

[StressedTbh]

HELP
Ok, I'm 22 been with SO for 5 years, (he's 23) we are 2 kids deep. MIL told me 4 years ago on a drunk night she had another child before him, a daughter, she was raped, gave birth to the baby, gave it away to the person who raped her..minutes after giving birth. SO knows she was raped but doesn't know about his mother having another child before him and handing it over, also she was paying money monthly, and the rapist dad was sending photos in return, the daughter is 27 now I think, SO has no clue..neither does the daughter..MIL brings up this daughter everytime she has a drink when SO is not there of course..says she regrets it which I understand. But a lot of the time SO will bring up the fact that he was a only child and wishes he had siblings (MIL brushes it off), we will also sit together and watch long lost family (awkward) and she will say I'm the daughter she "never had". I've tried to get her to tell him but she doesn't want to and says even when she dies she doesn't want him to know. I wish she never told me and now I feel bad and tempted a lot of the time to tell him but I won't because I know it will cause an erupt situation. When she told me originally she made me swear to never tell him but I feel so bad keeping this from him and if it was me and my mum had told him that I know he'd tell me!...well I hope. Just needed to get this off my chest because it haunts me every day. What would you guys do?!!!! Advice please.

I personally would stay out of it...
There are fabulous reunion stories, but there are horror stories out there also.
I would tell the MIL that you don't want to talk about it again. It's difficult for you to keep this secret from your husband.

I'd tell her that she has to tell him, or you will. Keeping this a secret is a massive betrayal. If he ever finds out it could end your marriage. My cousins found out that they had a half sibling after their parents died. It made them feel differently about both their parents. They feel that they were lied to for years and never got passed it.

I have a friend who is 60.
She gave custody up of her son when she was 20.
She contacted him ( via snooping on internet)
She expected him running into her arms and crying because of separation.
She said that he was bitter, angry and a drug addict. He had wonderful parents and a privileged childhood, but always felt bitter because " She gave him away."
He always felt abandoned and worthless..

That is just one example. It has become a nightmare for her...Him asking for $ ...His kids asking for $...dropping in to see her and using her for a flop house. Him taking her car ( because she owed him)

I'm sure others have fabulous stories of reunions. Unfortunately I only have horror ones... and now you are talking about the product of rape? OH MY...

forgot to say that she felt no bond with him.. Nothing.

gave it away to the person who raped her..minutes after giving birth.
...............
That gave me the willies OP.

Grr wrong thread again MN jumping all over the place again

You are not the daughter she never had - obviously - & as tragic as this period of her life was, it is not right, fair or appropriate for her to dump this on you.

You are being backed into a corner where you are being burdened with a) MiLs drunkenness & b) an obligation dressed up a secret.

MiL needs to come to terms with her trauma & that she chooses to drink heavily so that she can express her distress is very sad, but she is co-opting you into her problems. She needs to find some therapeutic support for the rape & forced adoption.

To help her, you can encourage her to see her GP or contact a rape crisis helpline to find out about someone to talk to. In the short term, ringing the Samaritans can be helpful.

This burden on you is already affecting your relationship with DH.

Also stop watching the reunion programmes, only the happy outcomes are shown which peddle a dodgy version of how complicated life can be. If people persist in watching, leave the room to go do something else & refuse to indulge in chat about it.

Lay off drinking with MiL.

Keep you nose well out and don’t say a word to your DH and if your MIL brings it up tell her your not comfortable discussing it and change the subject.

@UniversalAunt

*excellent advice...agree 100%

@UniversalAunt
Yep excellent advice.

Youve given yr word, so are stuck with her secret now. Very unfair of her to burden you with it. Try and put it to the back of yr mind, don’t tell your SO and stop drinking with yr MIL. Stay out of it, there are no winners here.

There's nothing you can do here, really. I guess you could suggest to MIL that she get some counselling. I would stop getting drunk with your MIL when your partner isn't around, I'm surprised that's a regular thing that you do anyway - or does she drink a lot?

She gave away her daughter to the man who raped her...

It's not fair of MIL to burden you with this knowledge. Your DC could have cousins out there, it's a mess and if it were me I'd want to tell my DH because you shouldn't keep secrets like this in a marriage.

It's easy to sit and give advice to a stranger about what they ought to do, but being completely honest with you, I would not be able to keep quiet about it.

I'd tell mother in law that she needs to tell him, and then if she doesn't, I'd tell him myself.

Imagine if he ends up finding out some other way, and then you knew the whole time and didn't say anything... Your first loyalty should be to your partner, rather than his mum.

I’d stay out of it. Reality is you don’t even know if it’s true.

people who come out with the truth when they’re drunk usually tell it to anyone and everyone because they lose their inhibitions. So given your H will previously have seen his mother drunk it’s unlikely he would never have heard this story before.

Plus “she gave the baby to the man who raped her minutes after she was born” just doesn’t ring true to me, plus her paying him money for 27 years?

I would tell her you don’t want to hear about it any more, and that if she feels the need to tell someone she needs to see a counsellor.

There is no way I could keep this from my DP.
Also the giving the baby away to the rapist is so sad. I really hope it's not true.

Do you think that she is telling the truth? Some people do make up stories for attention or drama. I'm any case I'd not engage and I'd tell her that I don't want to talk about it.

My feeling is that it is not true. But I’d tell her that husband needs to know and I’d tell him.

[quote PiperPosey]@UniversalAunt

*excellent advice...agree 100% [/quote]
Yes - absolutely this

I would also question whether the story will be literally true, although not that she’d suffered trauma.

Stop drinking with her, encourage her to get help.

You can't just give babies away. I don't see how this can be true.

You wouldnt give a baby girl to a rapist now would you. Where do your loyalties lie. If your dh ever found out you knew that will be the end of your relationship. I'd be giving her one week to tell him or you're going to do it yourself. Even though I don't believe it either.

You don't tell him anything. It isn't your story to tell.

Also there's a lot in this story I'd question, would she really have given her daughter to a rapist?