CRAZY story from MIL what do I do *(Content warning: concerns historic rape)

[StressedTbh]

HELP
Ok, I'm 22 been with SO for 5 years, (he's 23) we are 2 kids deep. MIL told me 4 years ago on a drunk night she had another child before him, a daughter, she was raped, gave birth to the baby, gave it away to the person who raped her..minutes after giving birth. SO knows she was raped but doesn't know about his mother having another child before him and handing it over, also she was paying money monthly, and the rapist dad was sending photos in return, the daughter is 27 now I think, SO has no clue..neither does the daughter..MIL brings up this daughter everytime she has a drink when SO is not there of course..says she regrets it which I understand. But a lot of the time SO will bring up the fact that he was a only child and wishes he had siblings (MIL brushes it off), we will also sit together and watch long lost family (awkward) and she will say I'm the daughter she "never had". I've tried to get her to tell him but she doesn't want to and says even when she dies she doesn't want him to know. I wish she never told me and now I feel bad and tempted a lot of the time to tell him but I won't because I know it will cause an erupt situation. When she told me originally she made me swear to never tell him but I feel so bad keeping this from him and if it was me and my mum had told him that I know he'd tell me!...well I hope. Just needed to get this off my chest because it haunts me every day. What would you guys do?!!!! Advice please.

Are you sure that her story, which seems unlikely to my ears, is true? I think my first step would be to try and track down birth and marriage certificates in her name. Who has their rapist at the birth, surely adoption papers would need to be witnessed by someone independent, how old was she at the time could she really have afforded maintenance?

It is really, really interesting how pervasive the falsehood of 'rapist as malevolent stranger' is, even here, amongst a population of women who should know better.

The thread is like a mini thought-experiment, saying 'rapist' and gaining feedback on the image that word instinctively prompts in people's minds.

I don't keep secrets from my dp, so I would tell him. I wouldn't have ever agreed to keep a secret from him.

Been in a similar situation. FIL drunkenly told me he and MIL had a child they gave up for adoption. I did make the choice to tell DP, who did already know. His sibling however does not know but that's nit my choice to make. I could never have not told DP.

‘Who has the rapist at the birth?’

Someone in a relationship with their abuser. Or someone abuser whose is a family member.

‘Surely adoption papers would need to be witnessed and signed?’

For the recognised father?

Assuming that the MIL story is true

Your MIL is burdening you with issues that aren’t yours. It’s not just that she told you nice but she seems to be going back to it repeatidely.

You need to stop engaging.
Tell her that you can’t do much more to help her and she needs specialist support. She can contact Rape Crisis, ether GP.
But you can’t carry in listening to her knowing the impact it has on you, the weight of that secret etc…
Then every time se brings ut up, change subject, ignore, avoid her drunk etc…

But I have to say, I’d be looking at your MIL overall behaviour because the ‘I gave my baby to my rapist within hours’ just doesn’t ring true if everything has happened in the U.K. In another country, thats another issue

It's woefully believable I'm afraid. Though admittedly I'm wary of drunken stories. But if it's acceptable for her to tell all when drunk, by her own logic you wouldn't be accountable if you claimed booze as excuse.

If she was young, she reflects on it as rape, now recognises the abuse and manipulation. If that person was in a relationship a childless one? Is there a more distant relative with an only child or
where others were adopted ef? withOr that person was a person of standing in the community who could arrange adoptions (priest, vicar). She needs support from another source. She sounds very much in pain, or unwell however you take this story.

This is a seriously dodgy story; who gives their new born baby up to a rapist? It's appalling. There's no comparison between that and a girl giving a baby up for adoption so the child has a better life.

Tell her you want to hear no more about it. In your place I'd be wondering what I was getting myself into with this family, though you've been with your boyfriend since you were seventeen.

A bit of distance will give you a better perspective. At the moment you are too much part of their lives to see clearly.

I’m somewhat appalled at the number of posters here who think it’s OK to betray the confidence of a rape survivor because OP’s boyfriend should come first. we’re not just talking about a person who has confided that she was raped though. We’re talking about the fact the OP’s dp allegedly has a sister he doesn’t know about. if his mother didn’t want him to know, then she shouldn’t be telling her son’s partner about it. In fact it’s pretty bloody manipulative behaviour to essentially pit herself and the OP against her son/OP’s dp.

The secret became the OP’s secret as well the instant the MIL told her. Therefore the OP absolutely has the right to tell her DP she has been told he has a sister. And her DP has the right to know.

I'm struggling not to think that this was something she made up when she was drunk.
She's kept this a secret from those closest to her for over two decades and then blurts this out to you when pissed?
Surely her own wider family would know about their daughter/partner/sister/niece/cousin/friend being 9 months pregnant and giving birth?
The rape certainly doesn't sound like it was kept secret but no one else knows of the pregnancy?

Have you tried talking to her when she is sober? Tell her you are not comfortable hiding anything from your husband. It is entirely possible she made it up

@RJnomore1

Christ you lot have had sheltered lives if you can’t imagine this could be true it could of course not be but if it is, do you think the poor woman had told people she had been raped when she gave birth?

Has it not occurred to you the rapist could be a close family member?

And as for making enquiries because a baby wasn’t getting colostrum bloody hell! Lots of babies are bottle fed from birth for various reasons. I can completely see HOW this could happen …doesn’t mean it DID…

I think the people asking questions are far from sheltered. It’s not about the relationship it is about the unlikelihood of the adoption falling through safeguarding gaps. Which would be sufficient enough to prompt someone to ask questions then and now. Particularly as drunk people aren’t selector about who they spill secrets to.

I would be very uncomfortable about being told something like this but not for the reasons described by the op.

You could also ask to see the photos. Nicely of course, not seeking to catch her out but being concerned for her and taking an interest - which would surely be genuine. This would be your DCs' aunt too. She might like to share her dd with you, as a fellow mother and mother of her GCs. She has already involved you in this story. Maybe addressing it sensitively and soberly would help her bring it into the light of day, out of its little secret compartment, so to speak?

That might be a helpful step for her, to begin to become able to integrate this event with the rest of her life.

What adoption? Fathers don't have to adopt their own children.

Thing is, it’s not that anyone here is disputing that someone could be raped. But she’s over egged it by stating that she gave the baby to the father and paid him money for 27 years.

Assuming she had the baby in hospital the staff wouldn’t have allowed the baby to be removed so soon, especially not with such a young mother having her first child.

Plus the rest of the family would have known she was pregnant. You can’t hide that no matter how hard you try, so assuming she didn’t see any of her family again for 9 months before she had the baby this doesn’t make logical sense.

And if they did know she was pregnant and she simply said that she’d given the baby up for adoption then why would she specifically have chosen the OP to confide what (allegedly) really happened to.

@Iisa

I suspect that this sad tale is a product of somebody’s imagination... either here or yours

I agree.

What adoption? Fathers don't have to adopt their own children. was that true in the 90’s though? It’s only recently that unmarried fathers have had parental responsibility for their children assuming their names were on the birth certificate.

@lottiegarbanzo

You could also ask to see the photos. Nicely of course, not seeking to catch her out but being concerned for her and taking an interest - which would surely be genuine. This would be your DCs' aunt too. She might like to share her dd with you, as a fellow mother and mother of her GCs. She has already involved you in this story. Maybe addressing it sensitively and soberly would help her bring it into the light of day, out of its little secret compartment, so to speak?

That might be a helpful step for her, to begin to become able to integrate this event with the rest of her life.

@lottiegardbanzo

Jesus Christ - the OP should not do this, it’s like hurling a grenade.

Stop getting drunk with her. Avoid the topic - it’s not your story to tell, but it’s not on for you to be her sounding board.

Encourage her to get some counselling to deal with her trauma. I’m not convinced the story is literally true, so keep that in mind too, but something is clearly up.

I think she’s put you in a terrible position here, you have to put your family first, if she’d told you she’d been raped then I would keep her confidence but she’s told you your DP has a half sibling, that could seriously damage your relationship if it came out. I’d tell her she has to tell him and if she won’t or can’t then I’d do it myself. It’s awful though. And the poor half-sister! She may be better not knowing - what a mess!

It seems wrong that the lady is confiding such a huge thing to a young woman, even if said girl is her son's girlfriend. It is just so personal and the whole story of giving your baby up to the man who raped you is quite horrible. I can't imagine anyone doing that.

I can imagine it's 100% true story, I can also imagine it's 99.9% fiction story.

I can only recommend you stop drinking with the MIL & point her at counselling services instead. It's damaging your mental health to try to help her carry her burdens. No good is coming of you being her confidant.

Just a thought. Although in these days we are thankfully aware that rapists are bastards & (I hope) this would never happen now.
Rape within marriage was legal untill very recently and many many women were raped consistently. Nightly even. My gran certainly was. They normalised. They were forced to normalise.
It's possible this mil was young, penniless & thought this was her fault. Violent abusivr men can be controlling liars who manipulate.
She may have just wanted to 'forget' it all happened or move on or some other story he manipulated her into.
The trauma in mil is plain to see unless she's a lying nuttter.

The main concern here is you OP. you do not deserve any of this. My advice stop drinking with mil, tell her she must tell her son or you will. (Give her a time limit & stick to it)
Your loyalty is to your partner not her

If and when she tells your partner or you have to, then you can be as supportive to him & her as you're able to.

Like others, I've found reunions not to be the big happy ending & this one definitely doesn't seem to be one that would play out that way.
Best case scenario - she's a liar
Next best - a baby has been left with a rapist & a woman has lived a whole life in trauma

Either way this is too too much for you to unpick or deal with alone. Good luck op xxx

@UniversalAunt

You are not the daughter she never had - obviously - & as tragic as this period of her life was, it is not right, fair or appropriate for her to dump this on you.

You are being backed into a corner where you are being burdened with a) MiLs drunkenness & b) an obligation dressed up a secret.

MiL needs to come to terms with her trauma & that she chooses to drink heavily so that she can express her distress is very sad, but she is co-opting you into her problems. She needs to find some therapeutic support for the rape & forced adoption.

To help her, you can encourage her to see her GP or contact a rape crisis helpline to find out about someone to talk to. In the short term, ringing the Samaritans can be helpful.

This burden on you is already affecting your relationship with DH.

Also stop watching the reunion programmes, only the happy outcomes are shown which peddle a dodgy version of how complicated life can be. If people persist in watching, leave the room to go do something else & refuse to indulge in chat about it.

Lay off drinking with MiL.

Thank you great advice, funny thing is she tends to put on the shows herself when I'm over at her house by myself or with SO, she lives 5 mins away from me. I don't drink with her she tends to just always have alcohol in the house and will tends to just drink randomly in the middle of the day on a Tuesday. SO doesn't drink at all aswell

@AlternativePerspective

I’d stay out of it. Reality is you don’t even know if it’s true.

people who come out with the truth when they’re drunk usually tell it to anyone and everyone because they lose their inhibitions. So given your H will previously have seen his mother drunk it’s unlikely he would never have heard this story before.

Plus “she gave the baby to the man who raped her minutes after she was born” just doesn’t ring true to me, plus her paying him money for 27 years?

I would tell her you don’t want to hear about it any more, and that if she feels the need to tell someone she needs to see a counsellor.

definitely true, I know the name of the man I think she even has him on Facebook she showed me pictures of the daughter, the man & the woman who has been raising her daughter. Sounds completely insane. Also the man who raped her was her best friend at the times BROTHER she still speaks to this friend but they're not that close anymore. The friend has no IDEA. It's just insane!!!