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Original poster

CRAZY story from MIL what do I do *(Content warning: concerns historic rape)

112 replies

StressedTbh · 11/03/2022 03:08

HELP
Ok, I'm 22 been with SO for 5 years, (he's 23) we are 2 kids deep. MIL told me 4 years ago on a drunk night she had another child before him, a daughter, she was raped, gave birth to the baby, gave it away to the person who raped her..minutes after giving birth. SO knows she was raped but doesn't know about his mother having another child before him and handing it over, also she was paying money monthly, and the rapist dad was sending photos in return, the daughter is 27 now I think, SO has no clue..neither does the daughter..MIL brings up this daughter everytime she has a drink when SO is not there of course..says she regrets it which I understand. But a lot of the time SO will bring up the fact that he was a only child and wishes he had siblings (MIL brushes it off), we will also sit together and watch long lost family (awkward) and she will say I'm the daughter she "never had". I've tried to get her to tell him but she doesn't want to and says even when she dies she doesn't want him to know. I wish she never told me and now I feel bad and tempted a lot of the time to tell him but I won't because I know it will cause an erupt situation. When she told me originally she made me swear to never tell him but I feel so bad keeping this from him and if it was me and my mum had told him that I know he'd tell me!...well I hope. Just needed to get this off my chest because it haunts me every day. What would you guys do?!!!! Advice please.

OP posts:

AlternativePerspective · 11/03/2022 07:06

I wonder if the mil is a fantasist generally. And whether she is manipulative in general.

I might be likely to play her game and tell her that you’d already told DH. That way she will either have to come clean to him or admit that she made the whole thing up.

Making up a story like this is pretty despicable behaviour and personally I don’t believe a word of it. But it makes a mockery of women who go through genuine trauma and who then struggle to be believed.

EthicalNonMahogany · 11/03/2022 07:06

I can imagine why the rapist might be at the birth. What was MIL own family like? parents/siblings?

BettyBag · 11/03/2022 07:19

People saying this isn't true clearly haven't considered that MiL may be from a different cultural background to yourselves. I've heard stories like this, they weren't awful women who gave babies to rapists because they didn't care. They were extremely vulnerable women who had little choice.

ANameChangeAgain · 11/03/2022 07:20

The rapist might have been at the birth because he was her partner at the time, so it isn't unbelievable.
I think I would tell him. Your MIL shouldn't have given you this information if she didn't expect you to do something with it. If she didn't want her son to find out then she should have confided in a friend, not her dil. Its too big to expect you to keep, especially as it directly affect your partner.
Your mil needs help, and she'll be in a better position if her son can support her in getting it.

whumpthereitis · 11/03/2022 07:23

A traumatised woman that’s gone through an unwanted pregnancy that’s rejected the baby as a product of rape?

Iisa · 11/03/2022 07:24

I suspect that this sad tale is a product of somebody’s imagination... either here or yours

Derbee · 11/03/2022 07:30

@LadyPropane

It's easy to sit and give advice to a stranger about what they ought to do, but being completely honest with you, I would not be able to keep quiet about it.

I'd tell mother in law that she needs to tell him, and then if she doesn't, I'd tell him myself.

Imagine if he ends up finding out some other way, and then you knew the whole time and didn't say anything... Your first loyalty should be to your partner, rather than his mum.

Totally agree with this

SafeguardingSocialWorker · 11/03/2022 07:31

A baby born in 1995 who was the product of a rape was handed over by a woman in hospital to her rapist (a man) and no one did/said anything?

No health visitors, social workers involved? Midwives didn't query where the baby was or about its welfare given it wouldn't be getting colostrum etc?

WildfirePonie · 11/03/2022 07:34

I would tell DH. Why should she offload and burden you with this story?

whumpthereitis · 11/03/2022 07:35

^that was in reply to a previous comment asking who would do this.

The rape may have occurred within a relationship and for whatever reason she couldn’t/wouldn’t report it. She may not have had access to abortion and it’s not easy to place a child for adoption if the other parent objects. She may have felt that the only way for her to escape him would have been to give him the baby and walk away.

It’s not unusual for rape victims to feel hostile towards/reject children forced on them.

Riverlee · 11/03/2022 07:37

I’d be suspicious about giving the baby to a rapist also, unless the father was a married man and they passed the baby off as their own? Could this have been possible?

Also weird that dm was paying money? Was it ‘hush’ money to save her reputation? Or to get photos? 27 years ago was when it was easier to become a single mum,unlike fifty years ago when it wasn’t done to have a baby out of wedlock.

Could you do a search - look at the birth register to see if a baby was born to you mother around that time? Do you think your dp possibly suspects something, hence the interest in Long Lost Families - maybe has overheard something in the past, but doesn’t know what.

ErniesGhostlyGoldtops · 11/03/2022 07:41

I think she needs to define 'rapist'. If she was happy to hand the child over to him as she described, either it wasn't rape but she is embarrassed to say she had sex outside of marriage or she was (and still is possibly) mentally unwell.

I grew up with a lad and from a young age I knew his father was not his 'father'. This was the 60's and stuff was overshared with kids a lot more than it is now. I assumed he knew this. He is so physically different to his brothers and sisters it would be crazy to think they were 100% sibs.

Just before his mother died she told him the truth and he was devastated. We were both mid fifties by this time. He told me what she had said and I blurted out that I had known that since I was nine and had always assumed he knew too. He has never spoken to me from that day.

I think you need to assume it's drunken ramblings with no truth whatsoever in order to have mental peace.

Ikeptgoing · 11/03/2022 07:42

Your MIL has forced a condolence on you of what she describes as a terrible family secret , which will have huge implications on your DP. One that he will be angry with you about it he finds out you knew he had an older sister all along.

I think you have to talk to MIL when she isn't drunk and tell her you cannot be part of this secret and it was unfair to share it with you. She needs to talk to a counsellor and talk to her son.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 11/03/2022 07:42

MIL put OP in an awful position forcing her to lie to her DP. It’s not just MIL’s secret, it’s something that affects her DS too. I’d first ask her to stop mentioning it, perhaps suggest counselling or at least she talks it over with one of her own peers!

Ikeptgoing · 11/03/2022 07:43

Confidence not condolence!

RJnomore1 · 11/03/2022 07:46

Christ you lot have had sheltered lives if you can’t imagine this could be true it could of course not be but if it is, do you think the poor woman had told people she had been raped when she gave birth?

Has it not occurred to you the rapist could be a close family member?

And as for making enquiries because a baby wasn’t getting colostrum bloody hell! Lots of babies are bottle fed from birth for various reasons. I can completely see HOW this could happen …doesn’t mean it DID…

vdbfamily · 11/03/2022 07:47

why not buy him one of those DNA kits for a birthday. If his sister is looking for her mum, she might have also done a DNA test and it will match them!!

caringdenise009 · 11/03/2022 07:48

Was this in another country? I gave birth around the same time in the UK, and wonder how she managed to give her baby away minutes after birth. They wouldn't let us out for two days and certainly would have stopped anyone who even tried to leave with a newborn baby, let alone someone separating mother and child.

TheGoodEnoughWife · 11/03/2022 07:48

No one can force you to agree to keep a secret. If I were your partner I would have some difficulty getting over the fact you had kept this from me.

You loyalty should have been with your partner and you should have told him straight away.

I suspect it is not true but your mil has created this wedge between you and your partner. She knows you have some potentially very serious information that you are keeping from your partner. This is not okay.

Phlewf · 11/03/2022 07:49

First of all I’m loving the people disbelieving the story that they gave literally just heard the barebones of. Let’s assume a) the op has edited for discretion, and b) the world is a lot shittier a place than everyone can imagine. I was assuming that the rapist was a family member and the baby was adopted without everyone knowing the whole story. But that’s my assumption I’m not wanting the ins and outs.

What I would say though is if she’s telling you when she’s drunk she’s telling other people. Probably need a frank sober conversation where you point out she can’t keep guarantee he won’t hear it from somewhere else. It’s awful when someone confides in you. I know about a rapist walking around free after ruining a woman’s life but am sworn to never say so I look like thr moody cow who won’t spend any time with him.

zafferana · 11/03/2022 07:54

If the woman is British, then the story makes no sense, as others have pointed out. I wouldn't be putting your loyalty to your MIL above your loyalty to your DH though - no way. She's put you in impossible situation and unfortunately she can't un-tell you what you know, but she needs to shut the hell up, stop confiding in you, get counselling and preferably tell your DH herself when she feels strong enough to do so (after counselling). I'd be telling her right now that you don't want to hear about it from her ever again and if she mentions it, you'll be telling your DH. She has no right coming between the two of you and burdening you with this.

lottiegarbanzo · 11/03/2022 07:56

The rapist will have been her then boyfriend or fiance. Or a married man she had an affair with. Anyway, recognised and present as the baby's father. He won't have had 'rapist' tattooed on his forehead, to alert the authorities.

People marry and stay married to their rapists all the time. They also have children with them. Why tie yourself into that situation for the rest of your life, if you have a choice?

Her story could easily be true. It might not be. It might vary from what she's told you.

It is really unfair, burdensome and thoughtless for her to dump this on you and ask you not to tell her son. She's dropped a bomb into your relationship. It will go off. The only question is when.

I think you need to tell her that and give her a deadline for telling her son.

stuntbubbles · 11/03/2022 07:57

Going against the grain here but – assuming MIL is telling the truth – you can’t tell: not only is it not your story to tell, but you’d be further traumatising a deeply traumatised woman.

I’m somewhat appalled at the number of posters here who think it’s OK to betray the confidence of a rape survivor because OP’s boyfriend should come first.

edenhills · 11/03/2022 07:58

I think people are imagining the rapist as some weird stranger that attacked her. This is very rarely the case. It is likely the rapist was a close family member or a partner/expartner who was listed as the father on the birth certificate. Also she may not have fully understand that she had been raped at this time. I think this story is very sad but in no way is it unbelievable.

lottiegarbanzo · 11/03/2022 08:00

Oh god, yes, the rapist could easily have been a close family member or family friend and her pregnancy kept quiet / covered with the pretence of a fling and adoption.

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