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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Help. Dp just fought me

305 replies

Givemelemons · 10/03/2022 23:48

Just posted a thread about breaking up with my partner. He agreed I could sleep in the bed whilst he slept downstairs until I move out with our baby. Came upstairs he refused to leave and told me to sleep downstairs. I have a bad back and this got my back up as why we broke up is because he says things then just doesnt follow through with it.

I said fine I will pack a small bag go to my parents for the night then come back in the morning. I went to turn the light on and he turned it off like some kid. After some back and forthing of this he grabbed my hand multiple times really hard so i went to turn our side light on. He then proceeded to grab my legs (switch is on the floor) and dug in really bad. It still hurts. He got the quilt and pillows and anything he could and whacked me with it and it burns. He took the light bulbs out of the socket so I cant use it. All the meanwhile his dad stood outside our door listening and done and said nothing other than keep it down.

Does this count as physical abuse? He has pushed me as well and his parents talked it down to be nothing and so has he. He was angry at the time and blamed me for it

OP posts:
Original poster
Givemelemons · 11/03/2022 02:03

How do i brave the parents tomorrow? They will surely have alot to say about it all

OP posts:
LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 11/03/2022 02:03

@Givemelemons

I just want to curl into a ball and cry myself to sleep. Will take photos of light bulb and still continue to pack
I get that, you must be feeling terrified. And I know how hard it is to hang on to any certainty about how bad things are when everyone around you is gaslighting you and telling you you're wrong. You're not exaggerating, you would be 100% justified in grabbing your baby and leaving right this moment. Your family telling you to leave the baby, that him pushing you and stopping you leaving isn't a big deal, they are so wrong and what they've said is so messed up. Him stopping you leaving, his violence, his family being there stopping you, they're all very good reasons for calling the police. They can come and either remove him and his family for a time so you can pack and get out or they can be be there while you grab a few things and escort you from the house. The priority right now is you and your baby getting out of their safely.
DropYourSword · 11/03/2022 02:05

@Givemelemons

How do i brave the parents tomorrow? They will surely have alot to say about it all
Honestly...you shouldn't give a fuck about any they have to say. They are allowing their son to abuse you. That's fucked up.
Original poster
Givemelemons · 11/03/2022 02:07

@DropYourSword im not worried about them per say im worried about the persuading and the crying and all the drama that may unfold again.

Also how do i sneak a gym bag out?

OP posts:
DropYourSword · 11/03/2022 02:08

[quote Givemelemons]@DropYourSword im not worried about them per say im worried about the persuading and the crying and all the drama that may unfold again.

Also how do i sneak a gym bag out?[/quote]
Don't engage with the persuading and the crying at all. You don't owe them any answers, explanations and you don't need to seek their permission.

DropYourSword · 11/03/2022 02:09

Can you get the gym bag in the car when everyone else is asleep. Hide it in the boot. They won't know it's there. Then you can just leave and go "shopping" in the morning, if you're choosing to stay there tonight.

DileenODoubts · 11/03/2022 02:26

Can you put most of the stuff you need in the car now? Get a bag ready with bottles, snacks etc ready to grab. Set an alarm, get dressed and leave early in the morning with baby- don’t tell them you’re leaving say you’re bringing to bring baby out for breakfast, need a bit of space, going to the park or shopping, whatever.
Book a hotel for tomorrow night.

DileenODoubts · 11/03/2022 02:28

Maybe make a few trips out with things as if you’re pacing, can’t sleep rather than a big bag if you’re worried about that.

Graphista · 11/03/2022 02:28

Yes that's physical abuse

As soon as you safely can grab baby, valuables, documents and as many essential personal items as safely possible and get out

Police can and will help you and that inc taking baby

So sorry your own family are so unsupportive too.

You could also contact womens aid and quite honestly I think a refuge might be a very good place for you right now away from all of them

They will NOT laugh at you at all! Don't believe their lies

I get what you're saying about not being believed there must be marks on your body?

He only gets like this when ive had enough. When its his way he is "happy" and everything is nice

That's the "cycle of abuse" he's nice when you're doing what suits him

Your partner and family clearly are in denial - in the genuine sense they are not your best advisors.

Quite honestly I think you and baby are well away from the lot of them!

You could book a hotel now for tomorrow night and that could be motivation and ease to leave?

Don't engage with anyone tomorrow except on a superficial level. Can you get anything into the car tonight while they are asleep so they don't see you moving stuff?

RantyAunty · 11/03/2022 02:58

Yes, book your hotel and go.
You'll get a break to clear your head.
To get around him and his family of twats, think of the biggest baddest bravest person real or fictional you can think of. Imagine them walking you out to your car right past them, ignoring them.

Once you're in the hotel, call WA and see about getting into a refuge.
You can do this. Flowers

StarsandStones · 11/03/2022 03:19

If they won't let you leave tomorrow, then do call the police. Because yes this is abuse. And you are divorcing (anyway). If you would leave the baby, they would put a spin on this as well later on... so don't! Or worst case, they could then hide your baby from you.

lborgia · 11/03/2022 03:59

Do any of them leave the house during the day? Do you normally go out on a Saturday?

You can always say you're going to see your mum/ sister, but then go to hotel.

Once you're away, you would be wise to call the police. At least let them know what happened. Or go into a station if that's easier/ there's one open near you.

Then call WA. I realise not everyone knows this, but it doesn't matter how long you've been shouted at, physically abused, head games, whatever, they will still help.

lborgia · 11/03/2022 03:59

Sorry, of course I meant Friday.

lborgia · 11/03/2022 04:11

Hi again, I've just found this list at a GP practice in se Surrey. It's got a funny name so that if an abusive partner is checking search history, it doesn't say "help for domestic violence".

The Saturn Centre might be a good start? A real place you can go?

Anyway, hope one of those numbers helps.

Local advice and support

flyingdream · 11/03/2022 04:30

I'm just checking into say I hope you're okay. If he's downstairs avoid him and get a good night rest. You're going to need it with a baby.

You don't have to answer to his parents or listen to them. You're having a relationship with him not them. Why do they listen as well. It's creepy.

How old are you both?

flyingdream · 11/03/2022 04:31

Could you go to your parents tomorrow?

PrincessNutella · 11/03/2022 04:33

OP, I know you are feeling hesitant,a nd foolish, but please understand that many women who are in your position have a similar profile to yourstheir partners have been able to isolate them and they do not have a supportive network of friends and family. So the police will probably be able to read between the lines and help you. Or someone will if you just get out there. You're already starting to reach outit's the first step! Just keep going!

mathanxiety · 11/03/2022 05:05

You can email women's aid. The contact information is on their website.

Please keep trying.

loislovesstewie · 11/03/2022 05:20

You phone the police and tell them what he did; you call Women’s Aid and speak to them, you call the homeless section at your local authority and ask for their help (might be called Housing Options, but it's the same thing) You tell all of them that you are scared of him, YOU DO NOT LEAVE THE BABY. (sorry to shout, but you need to take the baby for safety reasons). You pick up the baby and you leave. If you can go to a police station then just go and tell them. They can then help you. What you don't do is stay to be assaulted again.
Your job, as a mother, is to protect your child. You aren't protecting your LO by staying. Believe me, I worked as a homeless officer for donkey's years and I have had this conversation with clients so many times. If he starts pushing you or slapping you he WILL continue. Please get out now.

LadyPropane · 11/03/2022 05:32

I hope you're getting out now OP.

You must ring the police. That is extremely important. Please, please make sure you ring the police as soon as you can.

ThirdElephant · 11/03/2022 05:40

Take baby's birth certificate and your passport etc with you when you go.

carefullycourageous · 11/03/2022 05:43

@Givemelemons

No hotels have availability for tonight! What do i do
The best thing to do is to call the Police, and/or Women's Aid.

You grew up in an abusive family. Don't do the same, you can have a better life.

Arabellla · 11/03/2022 05:49

The police won’t care how respectable he or his family seem, they will help you.

Call them.

Billybagpuss · 11/03/2022 05:54

Just woken up to your thread grey rock the parents today don’t interact with them. If pushed just mutter sorry I’m just really tired and get on with doing what you need to do.

If you have second thoughts in the cold light of day. Read back your posts. You have to get out of this for your dd sake.

Others will know better then me, but can you present yourself at the council as homeless for help. Your family will hopefully support you but I think you need your space right now especially if they are going to minimise the situation.

Alrightqueenie · 11/03/2022 05:55

freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php
Do this programme to help you spot Red flags in future relationships.

The police will help you leave safely and your in laws won't dare to stop them. Mention to the police that his dad stood by and witnessed the attack and didn't help you. Throw the abusive bastard and his dad in the shit house with the police.

If you leave your baby behind, they will stop you from seeing her and keep her away from you. Your MIL knows that if you leave with the baby then her son will find it hard to get custody because of his anger issues.

You need to speak to the police, women's aid, a solicitor and register with the council as homeless.