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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Amazing first date but then he sent me this message.

605 replies

Milomonster · 10/03/2022 21:22

I met a lovely guy on Hinge, and had the most wonderful date. It ended with us saying we’d like to meet again. There were a few messages back and forth afterwards, and then he sent me this. My friends are divided on what he means. I think it’s the start of breadcrumbing.

“So I need to be completely open with you and I hope we can align our schedules but this will probably require a bit of patience so I apologise in advance. I typically have a very busy schedule, with kids, work can often very demanding time wise, varied friends and I tend to be an active individual. I’m sure you do to, which I think is great. Now I personally don’t see this as a bad thing but people have struggled with it in the past so I think it’s only fair to tell you. My good friends tease me about it. It’s just who I am, life is full of adventure. Now I’m happy to be patient, we’ll definitely find windows of opportunity.”

OP posts:
Clymene · 10/03/2022 22:28

He's sent that message before.

What a pompous twerp

GodspeedJune · 10/03/2022 22:28

He’s setting the bar low now so you only come to expect titbits of his time. If you protest at a later date he’ll drag this up, that he warned you early on. Even if you don’t want to see him frequently I’d swerve him for this attitude.

VVKills27 · 10/03/2022 22:29

That’s a very strange message and I wouldn’t pursue things with someone who wrote this. I guess at least he’s honest but if it’s like this at the start then it wouldn’t get better.

WellWhoopDeDoop · 10/03/2022 22:29

20 minutes to write that useless shite? Hmm. That alone must give you the ick.

Oh well, you got lucky in finding out he's a twat early on so you don't waste any more time.

He sounds like David Brent. And quite probably a married David Brent.

8lue8ird · 10/03/2022 22:29

@Milomonster

Pretty much unanimous. He was very down-to earth, funny, charming, beautiful manners, and absolutely gorgeous. There was nothing pompous about him at all. I don’t think the message reflects how he was in person. That’s what baffles me.
I could've written the exact same thing about the man who just wanted me for a booty call. I mean, he was hot and I was horny, so I didn't mind for a little while but I just wish he'd been upfront about it but he spouted this kind of bollocks to me as well.
pawpaws2022 · 10/03/2022 22:30

Could not be bothered with that
I've been messed about so much before. Went on a first date last week. Know what he did after? Sent me flowers and asked when he could see me again
He has two businesses, lives in another town and has a daughter and I've now been on 5 dates with him
He ALWAYS finds times for me, even if he's working like the other night and couldn't come over. I was having a bad day, so he ordered me a cake delivery Blush
He's made me realise how easy it can be

LunaTheCat · 10/03/2022 22:30

He is married! What a tosser!

hotmess19 · 10/03/2022 22:31

If you’re in South Yorkshire area I might know the man. Or someone who literally texts the same way as this man.
But either way, anyone who uses that language is someone who just wants a hook up when it suits him.

Sally872 · 10/03/2022 22:31

Either means

  1. I have kids and work and also see friends do hobbies on limited free time. Dates will be fortnightly or a little less. (I can understand this actually and appreciate the honesty)

Or

  1. I will be available sometimes, not often and when it suits me I will give you a shout. Letting you know so you can't complain.

If option 1 and he has kids this weekend, friend following weekend. Are you available the weekend after? Kind of conversation I would be ok with that. If he expects to let me know on a Fri he is free tomorrow and let's make plans I would not be ok. (Fine sometimes but not routinely or after this message).

SimpleShootingWeekend · 10/03/2022 22:31

Too wanky and self important. That sort of word salad makes my vagina clamp shut. I can’t be arsed dating someone who can barely get through a first date before they are making excuses not to call or meet up again and are already priming to cancel at short notice if a date can be squeezed out of them. I also suspect (just because of wankiness) that the varied friends, interesting and demanding job and “adventures” are not nearly so interesting as implied.
If I like someone I prioritise spending time with them. Put in some annual leave, get a babysitter, don’t pretend to scrutinise your diary with a frown like your so mega busy.

AddictedToOlives · 10/03/2022 22:31

Just chipping in here because I’m with the few who are saying basically maybe he is just genuinely busy, and managing expectations. However, I’m more optimistic than cynical (and had to google what ‘breadcrumbing’ means 😄).
Certainly would not assume he is married though. Many MNers are very distrusting?

I strongly suspect too that lots of posters have got their backs up because he uses lots of waffley words and business sounding expressions - doesn’t come across well when written down but in real life, on the date, was he very articulate? Maybe a bit verbose? I don’t think he deserves all the bad attitude/feedback he’s getting on here tbh

If that is the way he talks irl, then I say give him a chance - you have nothing to lose if your life is busy too and I’d agree with you - either reverse psychology or maybe he worried after the date that he seemed a bit too available (your weekend sounds great fun).

If that message/text isn’t the way he talks then I’d agree it’s bit odd…
But as you got on so well (and he’s hot! 😉) I say wait and see how it goes…

Please come back and give us an update though?

bultaoreune · 10/03/2022 22:32

he is weird. But make him clarify what he means and then say 'no, thank you!'

Original poster
Milomonster · 10/03/2022 22:32

@pawpaws2022 that is really lovely to read! Yes - when it’s right, it’s easy.

OP posts:
Ohfgsnotagain · 10/03/2022 22:34

So basically he wants to string you along until it suits him and he fancies female company for a night out/sex.

I would guess he’ll contact you every couple of weeks for a ‘date’ and then go quiet due to work/friends/life/adventure (what bollocks) taking up his time.

Lockheart · 10/03/2022 22:34

I don't think there's much point pulling him apart as a person or conjecturing that he's married.

The only thing you can tell from that message for certain is that he's not very available. That wouldn't work for me, so I'd call it quits. Sorry it didn't work out OP!

supersop60 · 10/03/2022 22:34

"Ok, thanks for letting me know"
And move on.
wanky word salad narcissitic bullshite

nomoremsniceperson · 10/03/2022 22:35

Oh my god fuck that.

The world is sadly full of charming men that turn out to be wankers. At least he had the decency to let you know nice and early!

youvegottenminuteslynn · 10/03/2022 22:35

"Thanks for letting me know, I appreciate you being upfront. I'm looking for something with more room for spontaneity so this isn't something I want to pursue. All the best."

Stravaig · 10/03/2022 22:35

If someone sent that to me, I'd find it weird, because they're not responding to anything I've said or done, but to past experiences with other people. They're not seeing me or interacting with me - I'm not really there. So that wouldn't work. Depending on what had gone before, I might say so, and see how they respond; else just walk.

HeadacheEarthquake · 10/03/2022 22:36

Maybe just go "what are you trying to say"

TheBigDilemma · 10/03/2022 22:36

Maybe he’s worried I’m too interesting and busy for him, and threw a bit of reverse psychology into the pot.

Nah… definitely NOT that. Men are not like that, unless they are too insecure and in such case the same applies: RUN

TatianaBis · 10/03/2022 22:36

I mean you want someone who has their own life, but not someone who announces that having their own life means they won’t be able to see you much.

lottiegarbanzo · 10/03/2022 22:36

We're all busy.

Who made him God of your schedule?

lilmishap · 10/03/2022 22:37

@Milomonster

I forgot to add, he was typing that message over a 20 minute period (I could tell from “typing” on WhatsApp; he’d a message just before that). It wasn’t spontaneously written, and was giving it a lot of thought. Deffo wasn’t a copy and paste job.
He's negging you for having a life. I think he's feeling a bit inadequate because you have an active life and his isn't. A truly active busy man wouldn't spend twenty minutes typing/deleting and rewriting a message just to let you know he's busy and his friends mock him for being busy (no ones friends ever mocked them for being busy).

He's trying to appear as something he definitely isn't and it's a red flag.

Unless you were begging him to spend time with you in which case he's a)not that into you b)married c) involved
or d) insecure that your life is more exciting then he is.....

GaryTheCat · 10/03/2022 22:37

I would conclude quite comfortably that this guy is a grade A knob.

It would instantly turn me off… Bye Bye Mr Self Important

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