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Original poster

Amazing first date but then he sent me this message.

605 replies

Milomonster · 10/03/2022 21:22

I met a lovely guy on Hinge, and had the most wonderful date. It ended with us saying we’d like to meet again. There were a few messages back and forth afterwards, and then he sent me this. My friends are divided on what he means. I think it’s the start of breadcrumbing.

“So I need to be completely open with you and I hope we can align our schedules but this will probably require a bit of patience so I apologise in advance. I typically have a very busy schedule, with kids, work can often very demanding time wise, varied friends and I tend to be an active individual. I’m sure you do to, which I think is great. Now I personally don’t see this as a bad thing but people have struggled with it in the past so I think it’s only fair to tell you. My good friends tease me about it. It’s just who I am, life is full of adventure. Now I’m happy to be patient, we’ll definitely find windows of opportunity.”

OP posts:
Lurking9to5 · 11/03/2022 10:01

[quote Milomonster]@Bostromani yes I’m starting to think that. His performance was perfect until that message. I did wonder if he’d been reading Female Dating Strategy stuff (or whatever the equivalent is for men) as he came across as “high value man” in his behaviour, setting up the date, checking in to see we were still on, how my week was going, etc. I haven’t had a date where a man behaved so well.[/quote]
Highly likely, men have their own agendas and there is advice on how to serve them.

I had the old fashioned version of this, three lovely dates and then BAM relegation. He only decided that he didnt want a girlfriend after he'd led me to believe he wanted a girlfriend. I felt duped and relegated and hurt. I went along with his bullshit for a while. I even trained him a bit. Like if he took 14 hours to respond to q text id ignore him for three times as long so he ended up "behaving" and for i while that gave me some stupid sense of victory but it was all pointless. We were never a real thing with a future. I just trained him not to leave me hanging around but it didnt change his intentions in any way

Catshaveiteasy · 11/03/2022 10:06

Well you're not going to be anywhere near top of his priority list.

Plus he sounds smug to me - I'd hate that.

Catshaveiteasy · 11/03/2022 10:10

Sorry realise I'm way too late here! Misread 20 pages for 20 responses.

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 11/03/2022 10:15

Yes he was trying to keep you hanging on. Probably still married or with another very serious partner.

when I asked on the date what he had planned for the weekend, he said he had nothing planned.

He can't tell you because he's planning to do very boring everyday stuff with another woman.

I think it's very simple - he's lying about the divorce and he sounds so convincing because he's had practice. A lot of practice. You dropping him is part of the deal, he'll move on again to another woman and another and another til he finds a date who takes his wanky message at face value and they'll have some lovely times together when he's not with his wife until the new date gets fed up or suspicious.

And then he'll move on again.

Itsnotover · 11/03/2022 10:22

I think you’ve dodged a bullet! He sounds insufferably self obsessed.

He probably put on his best self for the date. Luckily for you, the mask slipped soon enough for you not to waste any more of your time on this naval gazing fool.

Gonnagetgoing · 11/03/2022 10:26

I had similar last year I think...

He hadn't been married but had had long term relationships. Over lockdown he'd got involved with someone (mostly for sex) who wanted to have kids but he didn't.

Some of the stuff he told me on our dates (stripper before with a GF) I should've run a mile from. But I liked him. He seemed to like me too.

I don't think he was married and I don't necessarily think this man was married either but I think a few men on OLD want 'casual' but know that a few women on OLD don't want 'casual' so they try these hooking in things hoping you'll be naive enough to fall for it.

A few friends I know who've done OLD have had men who are like this, they want a FWB type but they can't be bothered to actually say it. One friend went on Adult Friend Finder and had fun there. Her current live in boyfriend was actually on AFF and contacted her the winter before first lockdown saying he hadn't really wanted casual (I can see that) but they had hooked up before so that was out of the way, but he now wanted a relationship. They've been together ever since.

Gizacluethen · 11/03/2022 10:30

I think maybe he realised he wasn't ready to start dating again after his divorce but also didn't want to bin you off completely.

Bringsexyback · 11/03/2022 10:30

I think that is the bottom line and online dating has brought all this to the forefront. men do not want relationships with us they want to have sex with us and they realise that in order to have regular sex they are pretty much forced into relationships with us and then when that goes wrong and they’re set free they make a conscious decision to never allow that situation to occur again and given they’re probably not going to have children with the people they meet in their 40s and 50s they have absolutely no obligation to do anything other than suit themselves . And that doesn’t work for most women. Not sure what the answer to this Mexican stand-off is going to be.

Gonnagetgoing · 11/03/2022 10:30

@AmaryllisNightAndDay

Yes he was trying to keep you hanging on. Probably still married or with another very serious partner.

when I asked on the date what he had planned for the weekend, he said he had nothing planned.

He can't tell you because he's planning to do very boring everyday stuff with another woman.

I think it's very simple - he's lying about the divorce and he sounds so convincing because he's had practice. A lot of practice. You dropping him is part of the deal, he'll move on again to another woman and another and another til he finds a date who takes his wanky message at face value and they'll have some lovely times together when he's not with his wife until the new date gets fed up or suspicious.

And then he'll move on again.

About 15 years ago I joined a bookclub and met a man there - not the best looking in the world but with a glam job, house in nice area etc. He'd been living with someone but it'd ended.

He then told me how he'd been seeing one woman (but she got too clingy), was seeing another woman and tried to keep me on the go too. I was also being chased by another man who I dated (was a close friend) but he didn't like this. He also sent flowery texts/emails and then I showed a friend who said 'he's a wordsmith'. I had no idea what that was.

Eventually he moved across the atlantic for his job, met his now wife there, came back to UK and got married. But his wife made him ditch all his old female friends including me. He also said some twaddle about how if he were going to get married he'd not ever want to be divorced (can't think if those were the exact words). I did say 'but you can't ever say you won't get divorced can you?'.

Insufferable twat he was. I'm guessing he's now married with kids and probably bored and most likely has had an affair.

TatianaBis · 11/03/2022 10:31

@Bringsexyback

People forget words but they never forget how you made them feel and in that message I would feel bottom of the pile rather than the way he could’ve conveyed it to say I am so busy and I have such limited time available but what I do have I would love to dedicate to getting to know you
I don’t think that’s what he was saying though. I think it was a a polite, convoluted, twatty thanks but no thanks.
RedPanda901 · 11/03/2022 10:32

@Milomonster

Yes, it was a really odd message! He’s divorced (or so he says). I don’t have time for a full on relationship but putting this out there so quickly killed my enthusiasm.
"I don’t have time for a full on relationship but putting this out there so quickly killed my enthusiasm." @Milomonster I would reply with this!
cheeseis · 11/03/2022 10:34

@Milomonster are you in Scotland? I had a message, almost verbatim to the one you've received a year ago. Possibly the same guy, if so google is your friend. Google his name and convicted of. If not, then possibly they are using the same website to copy and paste their messages.

ChickenStripper · 11/03/2022 10:37

@Milomonster

UPDATE: I messaged him as I like closure on this kind of shit. I said I didn’t quite understand what his message meant, but I gleaned he wanted something casual when he could fit it in, and that didn’t suit me. I would like to leave it here and wished him well.

He replied by saying sorry that he’d been distant as things had been busy with work, and that wasn’t fair on me. He thanked me for my message and wished me well (but didn’t apologize for wanky message).

Thank you all for your witty comments, support, kindness. I’ve been howling with laughter at the comments. Life is an adventure and a window of opportunity will arise when the right man will come into my life who will actively align his schedule with mine. My good friends will, one day, tease me about the wanky text.

You busted him - well done. You are nobody's option.
Acesup · 11/03/2022 10:41

"Well no, I don't have time for a full on relationship either, but being told upfront that you already have no time for me, and have no intention of making time, is not the way I want to start something. So I'll wish you well with your busy life and not take up any more of your obviously precious time"

cheeseis · 11/03/2022 10:44

@Milomonster also met him on hinge. Works for a big bank. If it is the same man, he treated his wife terribly, has been to court for abusing her. RUN!! He has a reputation for being "seen with a lot of different women".

Original poster
Milomonster · 11/03/2022 10:46

@cheeseis I’m in London as is he.
I may stick his message in Google to see if this is a thing.

OP posts:
Sisisimone · 11/03/2022 10:47

I think it’s his attempt at sarcasm, in response to you saying how busy you were going to be on the weekend…

This was honestly my first thought too. You asked him what he was doing that weekend, he said nothing then you tell him "I had a play, dinner, exhibition, a movie, friends planned" It's in such stark contrast to him having nothing planned that it could seem like a put down.

The message was very wankerish though and your response was perfect

cheeseis · 11/03/2022 10:49

@Milomonster so many men with the same feeble chat. Good luck out there!

Original poster
Milomonster · 11/03/2022 10:53

@Sisisimone men claim they like independent women, but they don’t. A woman must not be too clever, too attractive, too interesting.

OP posts:
MenopauseSucks · 11/03/2022 10:58

Easy reply.
'Ok. Thanks'

inheritancetrack · 11/03/2022 11:01

He's telling you in no uncertain terms, he can squeeze you into his busy schedule from time to time, but its all on his terms, and he is not in any way bowled over by you.

Chuck him back.

I'd enjoy a reply along the lines, Oh I just realised I don't have time for you either. Goodbye

FlowerTomb · 11/03/2022 11:08

This wouldn't bother me, it just seems to me that he's being open and honest from the get-go and I would take that to be a good thing. He's not going to let you know all of that before you've even had a date, but maybe he really liked you and wants to continue on this path and therefore felt that he should let you know what his lifestyle is like before you jump in, in case you do end up disappointed that you don't see him as often as you like and think something is wrong.

Melkam · 11/03/2022 11:11

100%

PearlclutchersInc · 11/03/2022 11:18

I hope we can align our schedules Hmm That would be enough to put me right off regardless of his availability.

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 11/03/2022 11:22

I think he is a tosser.