Amazing first date but then he sent me this message.

[Milomonster]

I met a lovely guy on Hinge, and had the most wonderful date. It ended with us saying we’d like to meet again. There were a few messages back and forth afterwards, and then he sent me this. My friends are divided on what he means. I think it’s the start of breadcrumbing.

“So I need to be completely open with you and I hope we can align our schedules but this will probably require a bit of patience so I apologise in advance. I typically have a very busy schedule, with kids, work can often very demanding time wise, varied friends and I tend to be an active individual. I’m sure you do to, which I think is great. Now I personally don’t see this as a bad thing but people have struggled with it in the past so I think it’s only fair to tell you. My good friends tease me about it. It’s just who I am, life is full of adventure. Now I’m happy to be patient, we’ll definitely find windows of opportunity.”

@Milomonster It’s easier to spot when it is happening to someone else. Like you, I am grateful for my experience and it was a real turning point for me. I’m glad you have seen the positives of this situation too.

Pass his details over OP

Tbh sound perfect for me!!

I sent a similar text to my now husband after our first date. In my case it was because a) I really was that busy. I had no free days for three weeks, and b) I could tell he really liked me, more than I liked him at that stage, and I didn't want to lead him on.

Since we are married now we obviously got past it! I wouldn't have prioritised a new person over my hobbies immediately, but of course over time my priorities changed. However, we still both enjoy our separate activities so I suppose we spend fewer evenings together than average. Works for us though.

If that’s not what you’re interested in, quite simply say ‘Thanks for your honesty, but that’s not what I’m interested in’

It could be what some people want. It’s what he wants. It’s not what you want. Disappointing, but his choice and yours. Move on.

Absolutely don’t agree to see him again on these terms, if they’re not what you want. You’ll be resentful of him, disappointed in yourself and this kid if set up makes someone feel humiliated when they haven’t actively opted into it. So don’t get reluctantly drawn in. Just move on.

It means he wants to call the shots as to his availability and doesn’t expect any whining if you are not priority as he is oh soooo important to himself he knows no one will ever reach those heights. It means he is barely FWB potential maximum.

@mama3bears...exactly Geller that came to mind!

Well done OP, what a pompous twat.

I agree with the others saying he's married. LOADS of men on OLD are married.

Huge red flag if they're "just so busy". They're busy with their wife and family and can only get away occasionally. This man's excuse fits that scenario perfectly.

What's more likely? That he is one of the many, many married men on OLD? Or that his weird text about life being an adventure is genuine?

It's not so much the substance of what he's saying (that he has a full and busy life etc) which is fine. It's the style (pompous and wanky). I think there would be much better ways to have conveyed the same message, if he was really interested in the OP and wanted to pursue a relationship with her.

People forget words but they never forget how you made them feel and in that message I would feel bottom of the pile rather than the way he could’ve conveyed it to say I am so busy and I have such limited time available but what I do have I would love to dedicate to getting to know you

@Easterbunnyiswindowshopping

He will be willing to fit you in when he wants a shag but won't be putting enough effort in for a fulfilling proper relationship..

But the OP admits to not having enough time either 🤷🏼‍♂️

I don’t have time for a full on relationship

Sounds like a knob.

@roastednut

Well done Milo your response was perfect. You will meet the right one soon and you clearly have your head screwed on. This thread has been v entertaining classic Mumsnet (especially the random wrong thread post about blood and tablets). I wonder what adventures he'll be planning get up to this weekend

Wash the car, quick wank, Dominos 2 for 1 pizza , ant and Dec's Saturday night show.

At least he's been honest. However, my first thoughts were why can't you be included in meeting his friends and hobbies he has?

When I first met DH his shifts were the opposite to my working pattern, but we wanted to see eachother every day so did - sometimes it'd only be an hour's walk or popping into eachother's flats for an hour for tea.

@HowlongWillThisTakeNow this is true, I don’t. I have no problem with someone who leads a full life, but I’d never make someone feel they were last on the list.

@Bringsexyback

People forget words but they never forget how you made them feel and in that message I would feel bottom of the pile rather than the way he could’ve conveyed it to say I am so busy and I have such limited time available but what I do have I would love to dedicate to getting to know you

You’ve said it perfectly. I’d think very highly of him had he said something like this. That conveys more of a sense of equality.

This reminds of a guy I met whilst online dating. We had arranged to meet for a Sunday afternoon drink as a first date.
He sent me a text a few days beforehand with 4 paragraphs about how beautiful I was but how busy he was, etc...
I didn't mind the cancellation but the damn waffle and falsity (beautiful, I'm not!) was so unnecessary.
I think I just replied 'ok' and that was the end of it.

OP, whatever his reasons, he doesn't have much time for you. It's up to you if this is enough. But it does sound like dates/meetings will be on his terms.

(having read the full thread!)

*haven't read the full thread

He’s married
If he really liked you and wanted a relationship he would make time for you
I would write
“It’s a shame I really liked you however you are committed elsewhere and I am looking for a relationship and I should be a priority in that relationship, wish you all the best x”

Yeah I wouldn’t go for that.

Depends what you want, but I’d probably say “I don’t think this is going to work. I’m very busy too and it sounds like neither of us will have the time. All the best.”

Don’t want someone who’s telling you in advance you’ll be extremely low priority and kept hanging around. If you agree to it he’ll be able to say “oh I was honest about the fact I don’t have much time” at any point if you object”

However, if all you want is a booty call (which isn’t unreasonable) you could say “I’m extremely busy too and not looking for a relationship so let’s keep things casual - hopefully I’ll have some time in a few weeks” just to let him know it’s not on his terms”

"Did you mean to type that?"

*Thanks for your honesty, but that’s not what I’m interested in’

This is probably better than my replies!

@Milomonster

I definitely don’t need daily affirmations and I don’t have time to see someone 3 times a week. We are both divorced and have kids. It’s just odd to make such a declaration the day after meeting someone. The funny thing is when I asked on the date what he had planned for the weekend, he said he had nothing planned. I told him I had a play, dinner, exhibition, a movie, friends planned. I dunno - it’d weird. Maybe he’s worried I’m too interesting and busy for him, and threw a bit of reverse psychology into the pot.

I think you hit the nail on the head here and his butthurt little game backfired on him big time, as it should, as that speaks more of his true character than the date did. Well done getting rid

My first thoughts were, he wants it casual and nothing serious. What a cheek he has! I'd run.

This thread (like most of them) has absolutely highlighted to me how much wittier, articulate and more intelligent women on mumsnet are in comparison with men on OLD.

So many adventures and who really wants to repeat them?

He's setting you as a booty call, occasionally, maybe!

Blech

Sod him.

Maybe reply with a big grin and a link to

Mr Big Stuff