Amazing first date but then he sent me this message.

[Milomonster]

I met a lovely guy on Hinge, and had the most wonderful date. It ended with us saying we’d like to meet again. There were a few messages back and forth afterwards, and then he sent me this. My friends are divided on what he means. I think it’s the start of breadcrumbing.

“So I need to be completely open with you and I hope we can align our schedules but this will probably require a bit of patience so I apologise in advance. I typically have a very busy schedule, with kids, work can often very demanding time wise, varied friends and I tend to be an active individual. I’m sure you do to, which I think is great. Now I personally don’t see this as a bad thing but people have struggled with it in the past so I think it’s only fair to tell you. My good friends tease me about it. It’s just who I am, life is full of adventure. Now I’m happy to be patient, we’ll definitely find windows of opportunity.”

No one talks like this unless they’re a massive prick.

He’ll probably end the week ruefully recounting the tale of how Miss Right turned out to be Miss Not Quite over a beer with his good friends, who will lightly rib him about having to settle down “one of these days” before they all get on with planning their next adventure.

That message could have been sent by a man I met online dating a few years ago, except he didn’t. Instead, he kept me dangling as work, his kids (who lived overseas) came first. But, funnily enough, when he met someone else he liked more, he found time for her - men will always find time for someone if they really want to.

I wish I’d have been sent a message like this because if I had, I would have walked away and saved myself a lot of (self) torture. You’re far more fortunate than I ever way as he’s clearly not only telling you exactly who he is, he’s also telling you you’ll only ever be an option, and not even a first option at that. You deserve better. Walk away and don’t look back.

It’s a disclaimer. He love bombed you, reeled you in, and now issues the disclaimer. This is so he can generally mess you about, date others whilst keeping you on the hook and not be the bad guy because you agreed to it in advance.
I used to be a dating coach, it happens in various ways quite frequently; a sick mother/ father/ dog that takes up a lot of time is an excellent one.
Next!

@jesusmaryjosephandtheweedonkey

It means you will be his " booty call "

That.

👆👆

He may have considered it to be a disclaimer, but if I had received that I would have construed it as clumsy way of dumping me?

@Milomonster

Yes, it was a really odd message! He’s divorced (or so he says). I don’t have time for a full on relationship but putting this out there so quickly killed my enthusiasm.

Is it not just about setting expectations?

I want to date, but I'm a lone parent, work, and have other commitments. So there are times when a potential partner would need to be understanding of this. However, I usually set this out earlier than the first meeting...

He uses a lot of words to convey that he doesn't have much time but hopes to see you when he can; obviously didn't learn précis.

Can you be bothered with all this? I also note he has children. You could be spending a lot of time hanging about, waiting. On the other hand, if you are not looking for a long term commitment, it may be all right to see him sometimes if you both enjoy each other's company.

Entirely up to you. Keep your options open, there are plenty more men out there, some with less complicated situations.

(I'd never heard of 'breadcrumbing' before now :-).)

Give it a few more dates and he would have chucked in his 'lack of bandwidth' and the wish to explore other 'opportunity pipelines' .You have probably had a lucky escape. If you listen carefully whilst reading his text you may just hear the twat alarm ⏰ going off. Your weekend plans sound excellent. Well done for building a new life after your divorce.

@sansucre I’ve dealt with a dangler, too, over a very long period of time. It was a massive head fuck, but I learned a lot from it. I’ve distanced myself from him completely, but it’s allowed me to look at how other dates behave with a lot more clarity. I feel I can clinically amputate fuckers from my life quite easily now, but I needed a similar situation to yours to learn from.

It sounds like a message written by a bot. Does he usually write like this?

It not - Did it come through on Hinge? Has his account been hacked by a random chatbot?!

Let this one go.

He will never make you feel important. You'll always be wondering how much you matter to him. He's telling you in black and white that you'll never be his priority.

At least he's honest. But don't waste your time on him. He's not that bothered.

trust your instinct, usually if something feels off then for real is off.
I would say lucky escape.

'My good friends tease me about it .Its just who I am, life is full of adventure'.
I think this may be the wankiest statement any man has ever made.

He's married!

I received a similar message when I was young (at uni) after the guy in question had properly pursued me and we'd finally gone on a date. Because I was young (and naive), and actually also because he had been SO keen beforehand, I thought it just genuinely meant he was busy and was letting me know. What it actually meant was that he wanted a fuck buddy, and thereafter I only ever heard from him if he was out and drunk and had presumably failed to pick up anyone else, or if he was at a loose end - usually on a Sunday evening - and he'd ring up to ask if I'd go to his. It was a pretty dumb move on his part because I never did have sex with him and very quickly stopped answering his calls! I'd probably just reply "ok" and ignore further messages tbh.

Lol, what a prick! 😂

My good friends tease me about it .Its just who I am, life is full of adventure'.
I think this may be the wankiest statement any man has ever made.

………………………

Definitely. I still think it’s a cut and paste from the internet.

@Easterbunnyiswindowshopping

Did' to' just have one o? Ltb for that.

😬 Agree!

I would reply with
"I suppose I can try to fit you into my schedule very occasionally, but as you said, you will have to be patient"

I'll start by saying I've not dated for 15 years so no expert. But I can kind of relate to the message he has sent and could imagine myself saying something similar if I were to become single again. It is very important to me to exercise every day and eat home cooked meals every week night (much more relaxed at weekends). Combine this with getting DD to bed etc and I don't really have any time left in the week. Obviously I'll make an exception if something came up like going for a meal with friends but I wouldn't want to regularly make an exception. I know my DH would be exactly the same and could actually imagine him writing the exact message above!

Having said all that, I think if he wants a relationship he will need to compromise some of his other priorities, and it is concerning that his message suggests he doesn't want to do that.

I'm a forgiving person and tend to think the best of people so may be being naïve, but I personally don't think it is as sinister as others have suggested. However the fact remains that if this isn't going to work for you, it would be best to leave things with him. That's why he is saying it now after all, so you can back out if it doesn't suit you. I do think his timing is slightly off though and I would have waited longer to say this, and also said it in person to avoid it being misconstrued.

Oh I missed the part about life being full of adventure. That is quite cringe and contradicts what he has said about having a strict schedule - having a strict schedule myself I realise it leaves no time for 'adventure' and being spontaneous.

'My good (male only) friends tease me about being such a player, who will never settle down (as I'm 'waiting' for Miss Perfect Fantasy).'

In the meantime, fancy a shag?

Well done Milo your response was perfect. You will meet the right one soon and you clearly have your head screwed on. This thread has been v entertaining classic Mumsnet (especially the random wrong thread post about blood and tablets). I wonder what adventures he'll be planning get up to this weekend

@LizzieSiddal

I’d take it to mean he’s being honest about the fact you won’t be seeing him very often. I personally wouldn’t like that, so I’d bin him.

This. Give the guy credit, he's being very open about the fact he wants a very part-time girlfriend and a relationship is not more important to him than the rest of the stuff going on in his life.

He would suit a woman who also enjoys a very full life and is also looking for a very part-time boyfriend.

He is being open about it right from the start so that neither of your time is wasted if what you are both wanting from a relationship is misaligned.