Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Amazing first date but then he sent me this message.

605 replies

Milomonster · 10/03/2022 21:22

I met a lovely guy on Hinge, and had the most wonderful date. It ended with us saying we’d like to meet again. There were a few messages back and forth afterwards, and then he sent me this. My friends are divided on what he means. I think it’s the start of breadcrumbing.

“So I need to be completely open with you and I hope we can align our schedules but this will probably require a bit of patience so I apologise in advance. I typically have a very busy schedule, with kids, work can often very demanding time wise, varied friends and I tend to be an active individual. I’m sure you do to, which I think is great. Now I personally don’t see this as a bad thing but people have struggled with it in the past so I think it’s only fair to tell you. My good friends tease me about it. It’s just who I am, life is full of adventure. Now I’m happy to be patient, we’ll definitely find windows of opportunity.”

OP posts:
PiperPosey · 11/03/2022 03:50

@SeekJoy

I would respond with, "Sorry, WHO is this? Can't say I can place you."

Really explains why he is single.

Hahahahhaaha Grin I love that.

I would say Well, I guess I have to return my wedding dress I just bought.
He's really saying... Don't wait by the phone for me to call. I've got better things to do. But maybe one day I will put you on my calendar.

What a dick.

Bearsar90 · 11/03/2022 03:58

He's married.

Kezzie200 · 11/03/2022 04:02

That sort of entitled diatribe would drive me mad.

Just move on. Sounds an entitled dick which is his perogative.

Superhanz · 11/03/2022 04:03

Yuck.

Eesha · 11/03/2022 04:08

He isn't interested enough. If someone likes you so early on, they can't wait to see you again and want to make time. It's breadcrumbing here. I wouldn't like this.

Cleanbedlinen12 · 11/03/2022 04:10

It’s just who I am, life is full of adventure.
Ewww! I read this as, I may well be on my way to see you and get sidetracked by something/ someone more interesting so I’ll not show/ cancel at short notice.
I love seekjoy suggestion of ‘ sorry, who are you’ 😄

Silkierabbit · 11/03/2022 04:12

I would read that as you are an option for me not a priority. Would guess possibly married and / or seeing other women.

Oblomov22 · 11/03/2022 04:21

For him to word it like that, even in his head, before actually even texting it, is just 'yuk'.

thingymaboob · 11/03/2022 04:32

" life is full of adventure. Now I’m happy to be patient, we’ll definitely find windows of opportunity"

He sounds like a twat

PrincessNutella · 11/03/2022 04:40

"Golly"

UnUdderOne · 11/03/2022 05:00

@Easterbunnyiswindowshopping

Did' to' just have one o? Ltb for that.
This, I'm afraid.
Successgirl2022 · 11/03/2022 05:01

I personally would carry on dating him if I liked him and after a few dates, I would see where and how it goes.

My husband and I have been hopefully happily married for 17 years. Once when we were dating for 9 months before getting married I asked him something I don't remember what it was exactly about and he said: 'You are not in a position to tell me that yet' :). He was kind of setting his boundaries what I am allowed to say/to advise/to recommend/to express my opinion on and what is out of my zone and where I wasn't allowed to get involved before I am his wife and have more grounds to express my views/get involved in his life and his decision making.

That also felt unkind of him to say that at that time but we got over it. I liked him and gave him more chances to build our happy relations.

lborgia · 11/03/2022 05:10

@Successgirl2022 - and does he still very clearly demarcate what you can and cannot have an opinion about?

There is also a difference between what you're saying, your husband was saying you couldn't tell him what to do/ how to react. At least that's how it sounds. And you had been together 9 months. And you were going to get married.

This is after one date. And was unprompted. And is saying "don't ask anything of me, I'll let you know how and when I want you around".

Not the same at all.

isthismylifenow · 11/03/2022 05:20

If I got that message I would assume he is looking for a fwb arrangement. So it depends what you are looking for OP.

He has made it clear he isn't into having a relationship. What did his profile say?

He was probably typing for 20 mins and was doing a type, delete, type delete...

Or, he is intimidated by you and is trying to measure up.

anotherbloodyyearofcovid · 11/03/2022 05:24

I'd respond.... I have no idea what you're trying to say but I respect your right to say it.....

Zonder · 11/03/2022 05:30

Did you reply? I'd say something like "Right, thanks" and move on.

LaraDeSalle · 11/03/2022 05:30

Maybe it’s me but a great first date is the pair of you not wanting the evening to end and when you do, all messages and calls are about when you can next see each other again as soon as possible.

If I received a message saying he just wants to take me out of the toy box to play with as and when he sits fit, I would say goodbye, abruptly and firmly.

UserError012345 · 11/03/2022 05:46

How did you respond ?

Rosehugger · 11/03/2022 05:52

I'd not reply to it at all and let him.text again or call me. Then I'd say "I had a lovely time and thought the date went well. But that message made you sound a total dick. I can't be arsed with someone who wants a licence to dick me around."

LadyPropane · 11/03/2022 05:56

I would completely ignore that message. Very wanky and silly.

If he sends other messages in the future... Play it by ear? Although I can't see how he'd be able to come back from this.

Username500000000000 · 11/03/2022 05:57

Typically in my experience of dating and hearing stories from my friends dates, these ‘declarations of honesty’ after just one date are red flags.
It’s his way of saying he will not prioritise a relationship and is potentially an avoidant personality type who is not willing to make time.
He sounds fairly grandiose in the ‘my life is full of adventure’ statement as well. That gave me the ick to read!
Keep dating OP, someone more emotionally available is out there.

TheBigDilemma · 11/03/2022 06:05

It is interesting that in the whole thread nobody has yet suggested that he may have found OP’s interest on him greater than his and he is trying to slow things down. At the end of the day, it was op who took the lead, asked him out and op who is reporting she had a great date. We don’t know how much he enjoyed the date or how much he liked OP as a possible partner.

But he has said he is not that into it, so… I would release him back into the wild if wishing for something different.

Queenofthesky · 11/03/2022 06:07

I'd be really tempted to play him at his own game here. So I'd probably reply with something like "That sounds reasonable x" and then when he tries to arrange another date (shag) offer him the 4th August or 18 November.

VitalsStable · 11/03/2022 06:07

Bin him for saying life is full of adventure and find someone who is less of a self absorbed prick.

MsFernBotanical · 11/03/2022 06:07

Hmm, I’d give it a miss OP. Probably because it reminds me of the sort of shite my XH might spew forth.

Swipe left for the next trending thread