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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Text from 'd'h - I'm in Glasgow, back tomorrow

110 replies

19Bears · 10/03/2022 13:53

I'm always on here moaning about my marriage, which must come to an end sooner rather than later. If anyone has read my previous threads, and there are a few, I might have mentioned he pretty much lives like a student (he's 53) and is always off somewhere seeing bands, sometimes local, but more often than not it'll be somewhere away involving overnight stays. Not at a hotel or anything, he'll get an overnight bus and sleep on there.... Anyway, over the past few years alone, not including lockdown time, he has been away easily more than 100 nights. Recently he's taken to not even giving me much notice, apart from asking me to print his bus or train tickets a few days beforehand. And today when I got up at 6.30 he'd already gone out, having not been to bed, and I assumed he'd gone to work early. But I got a text around 10am saying "I'm in Glasgow, back tomorrow." So clearly I'm covering all home and kids stuff again, which isn't a problem as I do it all anyway. But seeing as he's also away in Manchester on Monday, I've had to cancel my exercise class. Again. Add to this he was away at things 3 nights last week. Clearly I have to, and am going to, tell him our marriage is absolutely pointless and we are going to separate. I was just wondering out of interest what your reaction would be if your 'partner' repeatedly did this?
Hmm

OP posts:
Itsthemaybelline · 10/03/2022 13:55

I'd be splitting up.

mbosnz · 10/03/2022 13:55

My reaction would be to tell him our marriage is absolutely pointless, and we were going to separate. Useless sack of shite.

MrsMoastyToasty · 10/03/2022 13:56

I'd text back. "OK, if you're going to live the single life I'm changing the locks today. Your stuff is outside the front door."

Mummytobe93 · 10/03/2022 13:57

It’s either mental health related or he’s an absolute selfish prick.

Either way, you need to LTB I’m afraid.

I can’t even put myself in your shoes as my DH would never leave at the crack of dawn to go on a road trip without telling me.

I’m sorry OP

FlipFlops4Me · 10/03/2022 13:57

I'd be asking "what marriage". This barely qualifies as a relationship - you're his housekeeper, and life admin person. He doesn't seem to treat you as a beloved life partner at all.

nearlyspringyay · 10/03/2022 13:57

Well he's clearly checked out already. Stop printing stuff for him and start printing divorce papers, your life will be so much easier.

Vapeyvapevape · 10/03/2022 13:57

I think most sane people would say the marriage is over.

harriethoyle · 10/03/2022 13:58

I'd be telling him to buy a one way ticket to wherever he was going because I wouldn't have him back

PeacefulPrune · 10/03/2022 13:59

My husband and I ask eachother before we go out so we know someone has got the kids. So I'd be very pissed off if he just told me he was going out, I'd be fuming if he told me he had already gone.

Once he got back I'd defo expect him to make up for it in terms of childcare and housework.

Blanca87 · 10/03/2022 13:59

He does not respect you and unfortunately you enabled this level of disrespect. How come it managed to get to the point, where he could duck out of family life without discussion? Regularly?
Be free enjoy your life and don’t let the Rucker hold you back anymore.

HollowTalk · 10/03/2022 14:00

@MrsMoastyToasty

I'd text back. "OK, if you're going to live the single life I'm changing the locks today. Your stuff is outside the front door."
That's what I'd do.

You're doing it all now anyway, OP. Time for him to go.

RosieLemonadeAndSugar · 10/03/2022 14:02

So you basically live seperate lives with him doing what he wants and you just dealing with everything else, kids and all with no warning, no thanks, and all the responsibility?

Your already single, I'd make it official.

GeneLovesJezebel · 10/03/2022 14:03

Yep, it would be the end.

girlmom21 · 10/03/2022 14:05

@MrsMoastyToasty

I'd text back. "OK, if you're going to live the single life I'm changing the locks today. Your stuff is outside the front door."
I agree with this
layladomino · 10/03/2022 14:06

He doesn't act like he's married. He does what he wants, when he wants, without recourse to you. He assumes you'll fill in the gaps and pick up the slack.

Aside from the fact he's showing you he doesn't prioritise time with you. He'd rather be somewhere else.

So he's selfish, immature, entitled, absent, thoughtless, creates work for you and makes you cancel your hobbies.

There is literally no point to him is there?!

AttilaTheMeerkat · 10/03/2022 14:06

The day you finally decide to call time on this terrible example of a marriage is the day I will raise a glass to you!!!.

This is what I wrote to you previously:-

"He won't leave though because he has a nice cushy existence with you as his personal worker slave and house elf. Being lazy as well, he won't also want to put the hard work in to find another sap of a woman to take him on (these types of men really do hate women and all of them; they really do think that little of them).

Feel the fear here and do it anyway. You only need to give your own self permission to leave.

You're going to have to be the one to rock the boat here and carve out a new life for yourself and your kids without him in it day to day. Let him go around whingeing ,"oh she left me". You know the truth here and no-one will listen to him after the proverbial 5 minutes. Chances are you and your children would be a lot happier too going forward without his malign presence bringing you all down with him.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. Would you want them as adults to be in a similar relationship; no you would not. But currently at least, you are showing them that this treatment of you by their dad is still acceptable to you on some level".

And I still do not think you're a lost cause really!!Grin.

Slagertha · 10/03/2022 14:11

I'd drop his belongings off at his moms/dads/a friends. It's completely disrespectful to not even mention it until he's already there...its just odd! I wonder what his reaction would be if you just went off and left him to deal with everything at home without even speaking to you x

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 10/03/2022 14:12

He's living like a teenager, who is getting 'Mum' to print his tickets off. He's got no sense of family responsibility. I wouldn't be staying married.

Giveronyoursausage · 10/03/2022 14:17

I'd be emptying the joint bank account and telling the cf not to come back.

AllyBama · 10/03/2022 14:18

He’s doing it because he’s gotten away with it up until now. As PP has said, text him that he can have the single life he so clearly wants, he stuff is outside/at a friend/family members and that he should find somewhere else to stay long term.

Leannemma87 · 10/03/2022 14:20

Yeah this isn’t a marriage as you well know. Your both leading separate lives anyway. This wouldn’t be a life I would want and I would get out and be happy single.

19Bears · 10/03/2022 14:21

You are all absolutely spot on. In my mind, I still think "ohh, it would be unreasonable of me to moan about this..."

Am I insane???!!! When I think of every other couple i know, if their husband lived like this, they'd be out the door straight away. But me, the soft idiot, I just let it go.

But yes, can you imagine if I left the house in the middle of the night and sent a text to him saying I was wherever and I'd be back tomorrow??????!!!!

I agree @SpongeBobJudgeyPants I am like a mum to him. Certainly nothing else. We haven't had a normal adult relationship for 11 years, so.....

OP posts:
Coughee · 10/03/2022 14:22

I'd be feeling the same as you. Ready to call time on it all. My husband is the same age and loves live music but, like any adult with responsibilities, he keeps a balance with family life and never takes me for granted. Its perfectly possible to go out and and enjoy this kind of stuff without completely taking the piss.

Blanca87 · 10/03/2022 14:24

So … the question is why have you tolerated being treated like shit for so long?

19Bears · 10/03/2022 14:30

Thank you @AttilaTheMeerkat I really do suspect that you are actual God Halo

OP posts:
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