Text from 'd'h - I'm in Glasgow, back tomorrow

[19Bears]

I'm always on here moaning about my marriage, which must come to an end sooner rather than later. If anyone has read my previous threads, and there are a few, I might have mentioned he pretty much lives like a student (he's 53) and is always off somewhere seeing bands, sometimes local, but more often than not it'll be somewhere away involving overnight stays. Not at a hotel or anything, he'll get an overnight bus and sleep on there.... Anyway, over the past few years alone, not including lockdown time, he has been away easily more than 100 nights. Recently he's taken to not even giving me much notice, apart from asking me to print his bus or train tickets a few days beforehand. And today when I got up at 6.30 he'd already gone out, having not been to bed, and I assumed he'd gone to work early. But I got a text around 10am saying "I'm in Glasgow, back tomorrow." So clearly I'm covering all home and kids stuff again, which isn't a problem as I do it all anyway. But seeing as he's also away in Manchester on Monday, I've had to cancel my exercise class. Again. Add to this he was away at things 3 nights last week. Clearly I have to, and am going to, tell him our marriage is absolutely pointless and we are going to separate. I was just wondering out of interest what your reaction would be if your 'partner' repeatedly did this?

My dh checks with me if we're busy or anything happeneing before he goes out to do something

not syaing he needs permission but its comon courtesy to check first

I would imagine most people's husband's let them know if they're just going to be a bit late back from work - so 'I'm in Glasgow' is definitely a bit out there (read: absolutely mental behaviour). Glad you're on your way out the door!

"To those saying dump his stuff at family/friends - his family are 300 miles away, and he has no friends. No idea where he would go..."

He's an adult who can book and pay for concert tickets and organise to get himself there, therefore he can find himself somewhere to live.

He's treating you like a doormat, and then stomping all over you.

Suck it upButtercup - for a couple more weeks and in the meantime, be getting yourself on the front foot:

1. Locate marriage certificate you will need this to petition for divorce
2. Get a lawyer - try a mediation specialist, and if that doesn’t work, get yourself a Rottweiler ( and don’t wait for 14 months for him to come to the table because you want to avoid conflict - he wants to burn through your will and resources).
3. Make sure you have enough cash for essentials - ferret a little away
4. Pay ahead - if you possibly can - the next 1/4 or more in advance on electric, gas, water, council tax
5. Stock the fridge and freezer as a minimum
6. Grab next stage clothing for children - seasonal if they need size up grades from last year to this and have spare/ next stage and size shoes trainers school uniforms (if you possibly can).
7. A therapist isn’t usually £550/h plus VAT, so chat to your therapist, not your lawyer (rates for my Rottie 12 years ago love).
8. His awakening to his new reality will be harsh: expect a backlash, tantrums and possibly violence when he realises he has lost control of you entirely. Just be alive to the possibility- I hope it doesn’t happen.

If it does, don’t be ashamed and don’t make excuses or allow others to do this on his behalf. Every school drive has women who understands and can identify with Roddy Doyle’s book: the woman who walked into doors.

If asked in court about your ‘spending’ if it is child focused you can defend all of the above, as you may construe he is likely to be selfish - as evidenced serially by his behaviour - and you didn’t want the children being left without clothing/toiletries etc. You are not booking yoga retreats and spa Treatments (unless you want too!)

So, if you can possibly fake it TIL you become well positioned, do and best of luck. Think of Madagascar : smile and wave boys, smile and wave is a good mantra when trying to see something like this through.

PS we are all wise with hind sight: I was the idiot who despite knowing about the affair, believed the bullshit about ‘working together for the greater good of the family’ had £232k fees from my client paid into a ‘joint’ bank account that had been changed to him being primary and me being secondary signatory, and was left with £72 quid at the bottom of hand bags, parking money and change pots around the house. I’m the idiot who funded his entire divorce fees for him and gave him the means to do it.

No food, car, (he stopped tax and ins.etc., rural busses ) kindly loaned clothing (baby 5 months old) and by the grace of kind mother’s on the school drive, my son did get to finish the term. We were able to eat and we survived (because of an emergency hearing in the end).

Can't understand how you have put up with this for years and years. But yes time to be free of him now. Just trying to picture a 53 years old man, wandering about the country all the time. Is he a musician of some kind.

Maybe he'll go back to Glasgow when you kick him out? Or Manchester? If he wants to live like a grungy teenager let him, not your problem. Maybe you could sit your kids down tonight and talk to them about what you plan on doing, so when the sod makes a reappearance they won't be blind sided. In any case, where he goes isn't your issue. Think of yourself as the genie at the end of Aladdin, you'll be free.

If you can afford it, courier all his stuff to his parents, and tell him that’s what you’ve done.

I have no idea why you would want to continue living with a man thats behaving like a teenager. He isnt your equal, he doesnt care what your doing or whether you have plans. You do not factor in his life at all. He does what he wants, when he wants.

So what if he has no friends, he is not your responsibility. I would be making plans to separate. What a dreadful experience not only for you but your DC.

The longer this goes on OP, the more likely it is that your children will end up in relationships with similar dynamics as this is what they are learning is normal and acceptable. When it absolutely fucking isn't.

Let that power you. This is so unfair on them as well as you.

We’d separate is what would happen.

And as a PP says the current awful set up is a model for your kids.

Be smart about it though, pull all your financials, go see a solicitor and make a plan to get the best deal possible for you and the kids. Then when you are ready to press go - tell him. He is completely checked out so not assume he will do right by you all, he seems to barely register you exist, so make it as hard as possible for him to financially shaft you.

And - and I know this is a peak mumsnet comment - please see a therapist, it’s not normal to put up with this shit, and it’s indicative of extremely low self regard.

I can’t work out why you put up with this shit. He treats you with utter contempt and disrespect.

FFS Start improving the life of your DC today. Get rid of him.
Get a friend to help you clear his stuff.
Perhaps a friend with a shed will look after it for him.
Stop thinking "what will he do"?
Concentrate all your thoughts on the 3 of you as a family unit.

I was just wondering out of interest what your reaction would be if your 'partner' repeatedly did this?

I’d reply to his text telling him to post his key through the door and then naff off back to Glasgow or the night bus because he’s not welcome at home.

Either end it or live your life without him. You don't have relationship based on anything remotely grown up. He has a housekeeper, nanny, etc. what exactly do you have? But do make sure you have equal parental access. That way his life will be VERY different :-)

I'm not sure I'd bother communicating at this stage. Get the paperwork together, lawyer up, make a plan, text him once you have something concrete to say (eg 'It's over You'll need to go somewhere else to live. Come and get your stuff when you're back and we can tell the kids together'.) I doubt he'll comply but set out your framework early.

I wouldnt have a problem if my DH did this Now because I'm not going to lie I often do similar ( although I will stay in a hotel) i havent gone in middle of night but have say finished work at 1.00pm and phoned DH at 2 and said I'm going to a gig/ the lakes/ Blackpool tonight.
I wouldn't have dreamed of doing this when we had small children. I did go away but it was planned.

If he did it when I was running after kids and having to cancel plans then I would be extremely angry and demanded that he changes or goes for good.
I'm not sure what else hes done though but this would be enough to boot him out for me.

Message him that normal husbands don’t just disappear whenever they feel like it, that as he treats you with zero respect or love the marriage is clearly over and has been for sometime, and that you both need to face this and sort out the detail of how accommodation and childcare is going to work going forward.

But check your finances etc first 😬 eg that he can’t just empty joint account.

He's be out of the door pretty quickly if I was in your position. What an immature, self centered arsehole.

”can you imagine if I left the house in the middle of the night and sent a text to him saying I was wherever and I'd be back tomorrow??????!!!!”

I think this is an excellent idea. “hiya, I’m in Spain. See you in a week”

If nothing else, sit and have a giggle at the thought of him in a blind panic at having to juggle kids, school run, work, feeding, cancelling plans, etc. Having to print his own tickets out..

But seriously, what is it that’s stopping you kicking him out/leaving?

Hmmm - I work in music and have a few guys this age group on my FB page who always seem to be going to far flung gigs and I know they are married. Maybe your H is one of them!!! Personally I would be handing him a printed off divorce petition rather than a gig/bus ticket

I am hoping that this is your 'cherry on the cake' moment OP.

Will watch out for a gig going gadabout with a Farage fixation on my page!!! Seriously OP — he’s a twat— mine is an idiot too in totally different ways — but yours is in a higher league!!!