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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Text from 'd'h - I'm in Glasgow, back tomorrow

110 replies

19Bears · 10/03/2022 13:53

I'm always on here moaning about my marriage, which must come to an end sooner rather than later. If anyone has read my previous threads, and there are a few, I might have mentioned he pretty much lives like a student (he's 53) and is always off somewhere seeing bands, sometimes local, but more often than not it'll be somewhere away involving overnight stays. Not at a hotel or anything, he'll get an overnight bus and sleep on there.... Anyway, over the past few years alone, not including lockdown time, he has been away easily more than 100 nights. Recently he's taken to not even giving me much notice, apart from asking me to print his bus or train tickets a few days beforehand. And today when I got up at 6.30 he'd already gone out, having not been to bed, and I assumed he'd gone to work early. But I got a text around 10am saying "I'm in Glasgow, back tomorrow." So clearly I'm covering all home and kids stuff again, which isn't a problem as I do it all anyway. But seeing as he's also away in Manchester on Monday, I've had to cancel my exercise class. Again. Add to this he was away at things 3 nights last week. Clearly I have to, and am going to, tell him our marriage is absolutely pointless and we are going to separate. I was just wondering out of interest what your reaction would be if your 'partner' repeatedly did this?
Hmm

OP posts:
DameHelena · 10/03/2022 14:34

This is very much not the main point or problem, but I got a bit stuck at asking me to print his bus or train tickets a few days beforehand.
I mean why would your response not be 'Can I fuck print them.'?

Franklyfrost · 10/03/2022 14:35

Why oh why are you printing his tickets? You don’t say how old the kids are so I worry that the kids are adults and you’re doing the equivalent of printing their tickets too.

ladycarlotta · 10/03/2022 14:39

It is wild that he's doing this. Clearly you're just convenient for him at this point. I agree with PP that you should just rip the plaster off and tell him he's not coming home. Get your ducks in a row and go have a nice life without him.

Xiaoxiong · 10/03/2022 14:47

He's already out the door. You just need to change the locks, and tell him not to come home.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 10/03/2022 14:53

19Bears

re your comment:-

" In my mind, I still think "ohh, it would be unreasonable of me to moan about this..."

Am I insane???!!! When I think of every other couple i know, if their husband lived like this, they'd be out the door straight away. But me, the soft idiot, I just let it go.

Why is that, why do you let it go?. What did you learn about relationships in childhood; did your mother act as some surrogate mum figure to her DH as well?.

Why are you acting like the woman who has "MUG" imprinted on her forehead?. He really did hit paydirt when he met you because he has trodden all over your boundaries without anything approaching censure, let alone divorce, from you. Nothing here will change until you yourself decide once and for all that enough is enough. Till that happy day arrives you'll be in for more of the same.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 10/03/2022 14:55

And I am certainly not God (you're too kind), am a Meerkat!Grin

Musicalmaestro · 10/03/2022 14:58

How old are your kids OP?

musicviking1 · 10/03/2022 14:58

He doesn't even have the decency to tell you in advance, he just up and goes. It wouldn't be an acceptable way to live for me so things would need to change or we'd be divorcing.

Hiddenvoice · 10/03/2022 15:02

It’s the fact that he doesn’t include you or your children into his plans.
That he has got up without even bothering to say bye and just left. He’s expecting you to change your plans and activities to suit him.

You’re right, he’s living like a student with no responsibilities. I’d have been tempted to book a trip myself and just told him about it on the day and leave too but I’d be worried about how he would handle any responsibility!
I’m glad you’ve decided it’s over! You are so strong, you’ve lived this marriage without him anyway, you need to have a chance to live your own life and be happy!

Georgeskitchen · 10/03/2022 15:04

Does he work?

Lsquiggles · 10/03/2022 15:05

If he's away from home so much, are you sure he doesn't have another life elsewhere?

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 10/03/2022 15:10

Hi H, your belongings are in the shed...
And then see a solicitor
. See how he manages his student life with dc in tow.

Stillfunny · 10/03/2022 15:14

Does this guy have a job? How can he afford to do this?
What good is he to you? He doesn't seem to be a partner , a friend , a companion or a lover. Does he supply loads of cash even ? And would anyone miss his presence if he didn't come back ?

Phlewf · 10/03/2022 15:16

Wow, I had a better relationship with flatmates. Honestly I wouldn’t be in when he came back, stay with family or friends. If he bothered to check I’d refuse to tell him. Treat him with the contempt he shows you.

HomeHomeInTheRange · 10/03/2022 15:18

How the hell does he earn a living, or contribute towards the upkeep of home and children, with all this travelling and expenditure?

Billybagpuss · 10/03/2022 15:19

I thought on your other threads he was moving out after Christmas?

I think it’s time to point this out again 💐

daretodenim · 10/03/2022 15:19

Divorce him and ask for 50-50 childcare.

MrMrsJones · 10/03/2022 15:28

I would tell him I'm moving into a flat and playing Disney mum, he can stay home sort the kids and home.

Ffs divorce this waste of space.

Groovee · 10/03/2022 15:30

I'd reply saying, stay there, I'll pack up your stuff for you to collect.

Bluesheep8 · 10/03/2022 15:30

But yes, can you imagine if I left the house in the middle of the night and sent a text to him saying I was wherever and I'd be back tomorrow??????!!!!

Don't imagine - do this

SiobhanSharpe · 10/03/2022 15:31

Jesus wept, imagine an adult who's so fucking useless he can't even print out the tickets he's bought online.
Please never do this again!

And kick this waste of space to the kerb -- like, yesterday.

EmpressSuiko · 10/03/2022 15:33

This not a normal relationship and I wouldn’t have put up with it for as long as you have, why should you be the one suffering because of him wanting to live life like a bachelor? You deserve so much more!

JuneOsborne · 10/03/2022 15:33

I'd text back, :what's it like, nice? Because you might as well stay there, you're not welcome here anymore. Your stuff is at your parents house and your key won't work in the lock.

Bookworm20 · 10/03/2022 15:35

Wow, he really takes you for granted. he is living like a single bloke, but with all the home conforts. he cares little for you and his family obvioulsy.

So in answer to his text, you could reply. "Fantastic, see you tomorrow. Great timing as I'm off to Majorca for 2 weeks so glad you'll be back to pick up the dc form school and look after them while i'm gone."

Oh and yes, you need to boot him out. Hes a selfish man child, bringing absolutely nothing to your life. You will be so much freer without him. I would most certainly not put up with it a second longer.

Noglassjustthebottleandastraw · 10/03/2022 15:38

@Lsquiggles

If he's away from home so much, are you sure he doesn't have another life elsewhere?
This was my first thought. Reginald Perrin popped into my head. It's like he's living a double life op.

Definitely LTB he is a waste of space who has no respect for you or your kids.

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