Text from 'd'h - I'm in Glasgow, back tomorrow

[19Bears]

I'm always on here moaning about my marriage, which must come to an end sooner rather than later. If anyone has read my previous threads, and there are a few, I might have mentioned he pretty much lives like a student (he's 53) and is always off somewhere seeing bands, sometimes local, but more often than not it'll be somewhere away involving overnight stays. Not at a hotel or anything, he'll get an overnight bus and sleep on there.... Anyway, over the past few years alone, not including lockdown time, he has been away easily more than 100 nights. Recently he's taken to not even giving me much notice, apart from asking me to print his bus or train tickets a few days beforehand. And today when I got up at 6.30 he'd already gone out, having not been to bed, and I assumed he'd gone to work early. But I got a text around 10am saying "I'm in Glasgow, back tomorrow." So clearly I'm covering all home and kids stuff again, which isn't a problem as I do it all anyway. But seeing as he's also away in Manchester on Monday, I've had to cancel my exercise class. Again. Add to this he was away at things 3 nights last week. Clearly I have to, and am going to, tell him our marriage is absolutely pointless and we are going to separate. I was just wondering out of interest what your reaction would be if your 'partner' repeatedly did this?

[quote 19Bears]@Thehonestybox It's not quite 100 per year, it's been that over the course of the past few years. He had this ambition to to go 50 gigs in the year of his 50th birthday, and since then it's added up to over 100. Still a lot! And I did pull him up about it a long time ago, but it backfired when he decided I had a point and would spend more time at home..... That was the last bloody thing I wanted, so am glad in a way that he's off again back to his usual. But it doesn't excuse the fact he's got the option to just come and go as he pleases and I don't. Of course I could just book a holiday and go, but it would be the kids losing out and I'd feel terrible leaving them with Mr Incompetent. I left them for the first time in three years a few weeks ago and had one night away, but told him well in advance and made sure there was shopping in etc. I did set him a test by leaving a pile of dirty washing at the top of the stairs to see if he would do it, you know, like a normal human being. Guess if it was still at the top of the stairs when I got back... I think he's just blind to everything.[/quote]
Bloody hell, on top of the time away I can't even imagine the cost of 100 gigs especially if he's often travelling a fair distance.

He sounds insufferable OP. You must be exhausted holding all this together. It's no good for your kids, they're watching this and thinking it must be normal and acceptable because you're staying with him. The longer you stay the more likely they'll replicate this dynamic in their own relationships. Wouldn't that break your heart?

"When you're back, we need to discuss making our separation formal. Our lives have taken different paths and you opt in and out of family life and responsibilities while I hold the fort and never get to prioritise my own needs. It's over, I've done a lot of thinking so I am very sure of my decision. See you on (day hes's back)."

I would try to get your legal and financial situation clear in your head beforehand, ideally in a one to one solicitor appointment before you speak to your husband.

I would tell him not to come back. It is ridiculous that he does this.

I'm not sure I would give a whole lot of detail in a text. It gives him a heads up to what you are going to say, so he will have his spiel ready to try to spin you another line.

I would just leave sending any response. And when he gets back you tell him to sit down and lay it all out in person. You get to see his real response then. And then he is there to pack his own bags there and then.

How does he fund this lifestyle? How does he work with all this dossing on overnight buses?

You and the kids will be so much better off once he moves out.

I think he has gradually treated you so disrespectfully, you have lost all perspective (possibly self-esteem) & you need to imagine someone you care about being treated in this way & the advice you would offer them.
Then you need to take this advice & act on it.

Buy him a one way ticket to fuck off land. Another self obsessed man.

You don’t like him being there.

You’re annoyed when he treats you like he has no responsibility and you have it all.

Honestly, truly, divorce is the answer to both these problems.

You don’t have to have him around any more and either
A) he’ll have to stick to a schedule of responsibility to see the children or
B) he’ll carry on treating you and them like optional extras but it won’t be your problem anymore.

What are you waiting for?

Fuck. That. He sounds like a nightmare. Let him live the single life and focus on yourself and your children. He can print his own fucking tickets! Douche bag ass hat.

As some of you have said, the worst thing is the lessons my sons are getting from this. I want them to know this is not how an adult relationship should be.

THIS, 100%. Boys learn how to treat girls/women by seeing how their father treats their mother. You need to get out of this toxic relationship now, OP. Good luck.

You've got a roles problem. You are in the role of his mother/rescuer and he's become your teenage son.
"'i've ignored it all day, stupidly thinking I'll ruin his night if I drop the bombshell of "we need to sort this out""
You keep minding his feelings. A part of you needs to keep his feelings 'nice' but then you ignore the other parts of him that are treating you and the kids like shit.
And this phenomenon gets worse when you are stressed, so you'll 'search' for his vulnerabilities even more, and do even more ignoring the injury and insult he is heaping upon you.
This is why woman caught up in this dynamic find it hard to leave abusive men.
Even while he's careering around the country on jollies you are looking to see how even texting him might impact his precious feelings.
Has he a drink problem as well?
Did you mother pander to your father and/or brothers like this? Or did you have a father who was compromised in some way and needed to be parented by your mother?