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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Text from 'd'h - I'm in Glasgow, back tomorrow

110 replies

19Bears · 10/03/2022 13:53

I'm always on here moaning about my marriage, which must come to an end sooner rather than later. If anyone has read my previous threads, and there are a few, I might have mentioned he pretty much lives like a student (he's 53) and is always off somewhere seeing bands, sometimes local, but more often than not it'll be somewhere away involving overnight stays. Not at a hotel or anything, he'll get an overnight bus and sleep on there.... Anyway, over the past few years alone, not including lockdown time, he has been away easily more than 100 nights. Recently he's taken to not even giving me much notice, apart from asking me to print his bus or train tickets a few days beforehand. And today when I got up at 6.30 he'd already gone out, having not been to bed, and I assumed he'd gone to work early. But I got a text around 10am saying "I'm in Glasgow, back tomorrow." So clearly I'm covering all home and kids stuff again, which isn't a problem as I do it all anyway. But seeing as he's also away in Manchester on Monday, I've had to cancel my exercise class. Again. Add to this he was away at things 3 nights last week. Clearly I have to, and am going to, tell him our marriage is absolutely pointless and we are going to separate. I was just wondering out of interest what your reaction would be if your 'partner' repeatedly did this?
Hmm

OP posts:
TheCatterall · 10/03/2022 19:13

Plan a holiday.
Alone.
Tell him on way to airport that he’s got the kids for the duration.
Don’t tell him when you’ll be returning.
Go chill.
Contemplate husband departure plan.
Go home.
Give him plan of attack and deadlines.

RobertsRadio · 10/03/2022 19:13

I don't understand why you haven't started divorce proceedings, I mean you are living as a single person already. You don't have a husband, you instead have a housemate who is also a smelly old hippy with halitosis. Why the fuck haven't you got rid of him.

Scbchl · 10/03/2022 19:19

Thats bloody mental. What a selfish prick. I think id already of split up, you have been very patient.

LizzieSiddal · 10/03/2022 19:21

He’s got no respect for you, you really should LTB.

2DogsOnMySofa · 10/03/2022 19:25

I think I'd just text back. 'Thanks for letting me know, by the way I'm divorcing you, so I suggest you find somewhere else to live'

spacehardware · 10/03/2022 19:26

OP I haven't read any of your previous threads, but do you have an answer for why you are tolerating this? Not "oh I'm soft", really, why? Are you scared of him? Scared of admitting your marriage is a failure? Scared of being alone? What is it?

This isn't a marriage, why are you persisting with it?

Lookingforatimeslip · 10/03/2022 19:30

I’d be so cross that he wasn’t considerate of your time. And your kids. He just takes for granted he can do what he likes without any thought for the other adult in the marriage who he’s meant to love.

NowEvenBetter · 10/03/2022 19:32

It’s awful that you’ve both chosen to inflict this sham on your kids, you’ll think this is normal. How will you mitigate that, and educate them on bare minimum standards in life?

NowEvenBetter · 10/03/2022 19:33

*they’ll think this is normal

mummykel16 · 10/03/2022 19:41

@19Bears

I'm always on here moaning about my marriage, which must come to an end sooner rather than later. If anyone has read my previous threads, and there are a few, I might have mentioned he pretty much lives like a student (he's 53) and is always off somewhere seeing bands, sometimes local, but more often than not it'll be somewhere away involving overnight stays. Not at a hotel or anything, he'll get an overnight bus and sleep on there.... Anyway, over the past few years alone, not including lockdown time, he has been away easily more than 100 nights. Recently he's taken to not even giving me much notice, apart from asking me to print his bus or train tickets a few days beforehand. And today when I got up at 6.30 he'd already gone out, having not been to bed, and I assumed he'd gone to work early. But I got a text around 10am saying "I'm in Glasgow, back tomorrow." So clearly I'm covering all home and kids stuff again, which isn't a problem as I do it all anyway. But seeing as he's also away in Manchester on Monday, I've had to cancel my exercise class. Again. Add to this he was away at things 3 nights last week. Clearly I have to, and am going to, tell him our marriage is absolutely pointless and we are going to separate. I was just wondering out of interest what your reaction would be if your 'partner' repeatedly did this? Hmm
I can't really put my reaction into words without getting banned, just text him "I've moved see you never"
Riapia · 10/03/2022 19:54

“Send me your address in Glasgow, I’ll forward your stuff.
PS. Send your keys back ASAP.

19Bears · 10/03/2022 20:07

Thanks again everyone. I finally got a phone appointment with the bank about transferring the mortgage to my name only, and have an agreement in principle, so that's in place. I also had an initial consultation with a solicitor a few months ago who put my mind to rest about being able to stay in the house with the kids, I can get in touch with them again when and if I need to. And 6th April is just around the corner.
So I do have some of my ducks lined up, and I just need to bite the emotional bullet and have the conversation now.
I have been to see various counsellors to try and get away from this feeling of not being entitled to want my own happiness, and I do see now that my feelings are valid. But it's still hard for me to toughen myself up and not take others feelings to heart and feel so guilty about everything. As some of you have said, the worst thing is the lessons my sons are getting from this. I want them to know this is not how an adult relationship should be.
Should I just text him back now? I've ignored it all day, stupidly thinking I'll ruin his night if I drop the bombshell of "we need to sort this out"
What to say?

OP posts:
Billybagpuss · 10/03/2022 20:14

I take it you’ve had the ‘how the hell do you think this is acceptable?’ Talk many times so honestly just ignore it and keep going with the preparations for setting the divorce in motion in April. If you can get the house sorted before them that would make your life much easier. Did you say in another thread he would go to his parents. I’d suggest he leave sooner rather than later.

NoSquirrels · 10/03/2022 20:16

What to say?

“When you get back from Glasgow, we need to talk about officially separating. We live separate lives and you come and go as you please. Let’s make it official.”

bigred22 · 10/03/2022 20:23

What to say - I'm not happy in this relationship, you're taking me for a mug so I want a divorce, here are your bags.

thenightsky · 10/03/2022 20:26

Are you not temped to do the same back at him OP? I would be.

Knockdown42 · 10/03/2022 20:36

@NoSquirrels

What to say?

“When you get back from Glasgow, we need to talk about officially separating. We live separate lives and you come and go as you please. Let’s make it official.”

This ^^
Wallywobbles · 10/03/2022 20:48

We are getting divorced. Don't come back here. Let me know by Friday whether you want weekends 1&3 or 2&4 each month and which week day evening.

I will be taking over the mortgage. I will book mediation asap so we can stop this farce.

ChickenStripper · 10/03/2022 20:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn as it quotes a deleted post.

Thehonestybox · 10/03/2022 21:05

This is one of the worst posts I've seen, in terms of a husband's total disrespect!

I can imagine he'll be quite upset/in shock if you end it, because you've tolerated it for so long.

The love of live music/living like a student thing - not everyone has to fit into the cookie cookie 'normal' life of a 9-5 job and gardening on a Sunday the moment they reach their 30th birthday...but 100 nights a year! That's not a hobby, it's an obsession at the expense of his relationship.

19Bears · 10/03/2022 21:27

@Thehonestybox It's not quite 100 per year, it's been that over the course of the past few years. He had this ambition to to go 50 gigs in the year of his 50th birthday, and since then it's added up to over 100. Still a lot! And I did pull him up about it a long time ago, but it backfired when he decided I had a point and would spend more time at home..... That was the last bloody thing I wanted, so am glad in a way that he's off again back to his usual. But it doesn't excuse the fact he's got the option to just come and go as he pleases and I don't. Of course I could just book a holiday and go, but it would be the kids losing out and I'd feel terrible leaving them with Mr Incompetent. I left them for the first time in three years a few weeks ago and had one night away, but told him well in advance and made sure there was shopping in etc. I did set him a test by leaving a pile of dirty washing at the top of the stairs to see if he would do it, you know, like a normal human being. Guess if it was still at the top of the stairs when I got back... I think he's just blind to everything.

OP posts:
spacehardware · 10/03/2022 21:50

You don't even want him to change. Just get divorced honestly, you could fill your life with good things instead of being pissed off by him

2DogsOnMySofa · 10/03/2022 21:58

Sod the 'we need to sort this out' text. Take control of your own destiny and teach your kids about what it means y one a strong independent woman. Text back @NoSquirrels response When you get back from Glasgow, we need to talk about officially separating. We live separate lives and you come and go as you please. Let’s make it official

LIZS · 10/03/2022 22:01

I'm gobsmacked that he is getting away with this. How is he funding all these trips? Whatever he is spending is detracting from family funds as well as time.

Viviennemary · 10/03/2022 22:08

Where is he. At work or out enjoying himself.