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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Confused about boyfriend's behaviour

130 replies

BarbaraVineFan · 10/03/2022 13:02

I have been in a relationship since mid November with someone I thought was a lovely guy, attentive, loving, reliable and kind. We had both split up with long term partners in May but it seemed that we both felt ready to move on.

Everything was going great until about a month ago, when he started to get a bit distant. He had been dealing with lots of stress at work and also had been told by his landlord that he needs to move house, so i thought it was that. I tried to give him some space bit we still saw each other a couple of times a week and had a great time.

But then at the weekend he called me in tears saying that he wants a break. Basically he is saying that the process of moving house seems to be raking up lots of feelings about his break up with his ex, as he is going through and getting rid of lots of stuff they got together. He says he still feels the same about me (we have both said that we love each other) but he doesn't feel that it's fair to be with me under the circumstances, as he can't fully commit to me in the way he knows he should.

My question is, do you think this is true and valid? My ex husband cheated on me for six months and left me for the other woman, so I think I am automatically assuming that there must be another reason. But do you think this might actually be true? And also, do you think that there might be hope for the future? I really do want to be with this man and am pretty devastated at this point,

OP posts:
Shuffleuplove · 10/03/2022 13:04

I think that sounds very mature of him. Don’t overthink it, the outcome is the same.

But I’d say get out and stay out. No long lingering calls and regular texts. He’s called it off, it’s OFF.

Being messed about this early isn’t good so you’re probably dodging a bullet. Best wishes x

OvOvO · 10/03/2022 13:07

He's just not that into you. Move on and keep your dignity intact.

Cremeeggseasonx · 10/03/2022 13:09

His name doesn't apart with a p does it?

Eughh so much similarities in your situation..I've been involved with mine over a year but we officially got together in August. He's currently waiting to be rehoused as landlords selling. He's stressed. Still in a pickle about his past. His ex still messages him. He's been high and low with me but insists he wants me..

There's nothing more confusing than someone blowing hot and cold. How old is he? It sounds like he needs some therapy

Ionlydomassiveones · 10/03/2022 13:10

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

GeneLovesJezebel · 10/03/2022 13:11

He’s ending it gently I think.
Move on.

layladomino · 10/03/2022 13:11

I'm sorry but I don't think he's giving you the full truth.

I won't jump to saying he has another woman, as it might not be that, but I don't think he's being truthful.

If you love someone you don't split up or want to take a break from them. Perhaps there are some exceptional circumstances where you 'can't' be together and so split up despite being in love, but they are rare. And he isn't suggesting that is the case. If he still felt the same about you why would he want to split?

So prepare yourself for this being permanent.

In your shoes I think I would tell him 'There's clearly more to it than you're saying. I at least deserve the truth. Don't be a corward. If you don't want us to be together then you should say so. I deserve better'.

ChrissyShenkle · 10/03/2022 13:13

He's talking bollocks, don't give him any more headspace, trust your gut

RantyAunty · 10/03/2022 13:31

He love bombed you and began to flake at the 3 month mark.

LightSpeeds · 10/03/2022 13:33

He's probably telling you part of the truth and leaving a bunch of stuff out. Sounds like he's not over his ex (so why's he with you if he's not emotionally available)?

Maybe, in the course of sorting out the house, he's had to contact her and there's a chance of them getting things back together - so he's putting you on the back burner while he explores that option.

Whatever the truth is, you're no longer the priority.

Take your self-respect and move on.

Mermaidwaves · 10/03/2022 13:39

Yes I think he's letting you down gently, a lot of men blame 'stress at work' when they first start to cool off, a sick relative is usually another common one.

Don't let him keep you hanging on hoping he will change his mind, that's where heartbreak lies.

Original poster
BarbaraVineFan · 10/03/2022 13:57

Thanks for all your replies so far everyone. I have been reading about love bombing and agree that it seems like that. But what I don't understand is the point of it? What has he achieved by it? And also, could it be unconscious? He seems really upset and unless he is a psychopath I don't think he could fake that?

OP posts:
Original poster
BarbaraVineFan · 10/03/2022 13:58

He swears he doesn't want to get back with his ex. I just don't know what to think

OP posts:
Cremeeggseasonx · 10/03/2022 14:00

How long was he with the ex and whst was the split over?

Vapeyvapevape · 10/03/2022 14:04

Life is stressful and if his way of coping is to dump you then he's not really a good bet for the future.

Original poster
BarbaraVineFan · 10/03/2022 14:10

He was with her for 8 years. He says that the last couple of years they became more like friends and housemates and he emotionally disengaged from her. She eventually ended it. He says he feels a lot of guilt over how he treated her and this is part of the problem now

OP posts:
Beamur · 10/03/2022 14:11

My advice would be to not try and understand any of this. I think he likes you but doesn't want to be with you, hence an emotional break up rather than something more impersonal.
Don't waste your time waiting for him to come round. Consider it completely over, feel sad, have a wallow in pity and ice cream and then dust your self down and carry on. Peace of mind and self esteem intact.

Original poster
BarbaraVineFan · 10/03/2022 14:22

I just feel so sad and disappointed. I thought we had a future

OP posts:
iwishu · 10/03/2022 14:24

Sounds like it was forcing a rebound relationship with you, not truthful with himself or you. It's disappointing but you have to move on.

SummerHouse · 10/03/2022 14:31

Sorry this is shit. I would say to him "I am having a hard time processing this. If there is more to it, if you don't love me, if there is someone else, please be frank. This would be kinder than keeping it from me and more helpful for me to move on."

SunflowerTed · 10/03/2022 14:35

@Beamur

My advice would be to not try and understand any of this. I think he likes you but doesn't want to be with you, hence an emotional break up rather than something more impersonal. Don't waste your time waiting for him to come round. Consider it completely over, feel sad, have a wallow in pity and ice cream and then dust your self down and carry on. Peace of mind and self esteem intact.
This
Watchkeys · 10/03/2022 14:36

@BarbaraVineFan

Thanks for all your replies so far everyone. I have been reading about love bombing and agree that it seems like that. But what I don't understand is the point of it? What has he achieved by it? And also, could it be unconscious? He seems really upset and unless he is a psychopath I don't think he could fake that?
Anybody who has you internally questioning their behaviour like this isn't good for you. If the relationship was healthy, you'd be able to ask him what he felt, and you'd believe his answer. The fact that you're having to ask us if what he says is true shows that you lack trust in what he says, so the relationship is a no go.

With a compatible partner, you will feel reassured at every turn.

Watchkeys · 10/03/2022 14:40

@BarbaraVineFan

He was with her for 8 years. He says that the last couple of years they became more like friends and housemates and he emotionally disengaged from her. She eventually ended it. He says he feels a lot of guilt over how he treated her and this is part of the problem now
Yeah, he's not really Mr Sorted, emotionally, is he. He hasn't waited until he was ready, and he's thrown himself into something that felt good at the time, without having the wherewithall to realise that his emotional turmoil would end up causing emotional turmoil for you.

It's all about his agenda, and nothing about taking care of how you feel.

Original poster
BarbaraVineFan · 10/03/2022 16:05

I feel a bit used, to be honest. Why did he say all those things if he didn't mean them? And if he did mean them, how have things changed so quickly?

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 10/03/2022 16:34

Why is a dangerous question. Sometimes people do things that don't make sense. Your job isn't to work them out like a puzzle. Your job is to provide yourself with a happy, relaxed life, so, if someone doesn't make sense to you, distance yourself from them.

You could spend all eternity wondering why he's said and done what he's said and done. Unless he tells you clearly, and you're able to believe him, where do you expect to get certainty from?

You may never know. I know it's not what you want to hear, but it's the best advice there is for closure: accept that you will never know how he could be so hurtful, but move away from him, the source of the hurt.

Onthedunes · 10/03/2022 16:41

So you both ended your long term relationships in May.

Was it an affair?

Sounds like he was a git in his last relationship, started seeing you, she threw him out and he then tried to make it work with you.

He was probably punishing her for some misdemeanor such as not allowing him to get his own way within the relationship.

I think you have been used, not to say he didn't care but I think he has unresolved issues with his ex. I hope you didn't dump a decent partner for him.

Don't worry he will probably be back when he realises he's fucked up his ex relationship and now he's fucked up yours.

Don't take him back
Find a better man.