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Original poster

Confused about boyfriend's behaviour

130 replies

BarbaraVineFan · 10/03/2022 13:02

I have been in a relationship since mid November with someone I thought was a lovely guy, attentive, loving, reliable and kind. We had both split up with long term partners in May but it seemed that we both felt ready to move on.

Everything was going great until about a month ago, when he started to get a bit distant. He had been dealing with lots of stress at work and also had been told by his landlord that he needs to move house, so i thought it was that. I tried to give him some space bit we still saw each other a couple of times a week and had a great time.

But then at the weekend he called me in tears saying that he wants a break. Basically he is saying that the process of moving house seems to be raking up lots of feelings about his break up with his ex, as he is going through and getting rid of lots of stuff they got together. He says he still feels the same about me (we have both said that we love each other) but he doesn't feel that it's fair to be with me under the circumstances, as he can't fully commit to me in the way he knows he should.

My question is, do you think this is true and valid? My ex husband cheated on me for six months and left me for the other woman, so I think I am automatically assuming that there must be another reason. But do you think this might actually be true? And also, do you think that there might be hope for the future? I really do want to be with this man and am pretty devastated at this point,

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 14/03/2022 09:27

@BarbaraVineFan

I really don't think his ex is on the scene, honestly. But I see a lot of people are suspicious of his motives here, which I can understand I guess
If his ex wasn't on the scene, you wouldn't be thinking/posting/talking about her. She doesn't have to be physically on the scene. He's brought her into your relationship, and you are trying to be ok with that, when really, it makes you uncomfortable. Don't try to over ride your natural feeling. There's a reason it makes you feel crap.
Waterfordaston · 14/03/2022 09:27

This one will mess you around.

ravenmum · 14/03/2022 09:30

@BarbaraVineFan

Yes *@ravenmum*, lots of times. He is definitely single!
I know it might sound cynical to ask! But been there, done that...
Tamworth123 · 14/03/2022 09:49

Does he have any kids?

Original poster
BarbaraVineFan · 14/03/2022 09:55

@Watchkeys to be honest thinking about his ex doesn't really make me feel crap. I also split up from my husband at the same time he split with his ex, and I still have feelings of sadness and regret about my marriage. I think it would be weird if he didn't have those feelings. I just want him to deal with them and be honest about them, and ultimately if that means that we can't be together, so be it. Obviously I am not hanging around forever but I think the agreement we have come to is reasonable.

For those of you who said this, I won't settle for any extensions of the month break. At the end of the month, if he still isn't sure, that will be it for me and I'll be moving on. I want a firm commitment.

No @Waterfordaston he doesn't have any kids.

OP posts:
Original poster
BarbaraVineFan · 14/03/2022 09:55

Oh sorry I meant to tag @Tamworth123

OP posts:
Tamworth123 · 14/03/2022 10:55

I just asked because getting into a serious relationship with someone with a child/ren obviously has massive implications that are not present if you're childless. Any responsible person will taje them seriously.

Until recently, I suppose he could feel you were "dating", getting to know each mother, having a great time, seeing how how goes etc. but the relationship has now approached a timeline where its becoming "serious", commitment is looming on the horizon. If he stays in it, and it continues along the typical trajectory, you would likely end up living together he would end up being a step father to a child etc etc
I suspect he's shitting himself, doesn't know if he wants that, is looking to get out, and is casting around for justification other than potentially brutal truth.
There's rhe busy, stressful work situation.... a classic excuse, then the conflicted/fucked up about relationship breakdown/ex excuse. I'm not saying there's no element of truth in these just that they could be being built up into a break/end of relationship is that they do lot need to be.

You say you felt it had a future, you sounded v invested... problem know when that's the case they know when someone is v attached and invested. Perhaps he doesnt want to hurt/disappoint you worse than he is at this point, diesbt want to waste your time etc.

This break is possibly just the gently gently, gradual extraction.

Tamworth123 · 14/03/2022 10:57

*people know when that's the case

Tamworth123 · 14/03/2022 10:59

As for "I love yous" etc. I'm sure many of us hsve said these in a (relatively) young relationship and have certainly meant them at the time, but when the honeymoon phase wears off, they can become irrelevant.

Tamworth123 · 14/03/2022 11:00

He sounds ambivalent at best, and trying to end the relationship gently/in stages at "worst".

Tamworth123 · 14/03/2022 11:02

It also sounds like a rebound relationship tbh.

Vapeyvapevape · 14/03/2022 11:18

Imo a new relationship should make all the other rubbish stuff in life easier to deal with because you are all loved up and excited to see each other. I think you have given him the green light to treat you badly going forward. A person knows if they want to be with someone and if they are genuine they won't pull all this ' I need a break ' rubbish.

FinallyHere · 14/03/2022 15:52

I won't settle for any extensions of the month break. At the end of the month, if he still isn't sure, that will be it for me and I'll be moving on. I want a firm commitment.

Stay strong.

I'm afraid that I'm with those who think that asking for 'a break' might be a way to gently get out of the relationship.

Hope it goes well for you.

Original poster
BarbaraVineFan · 14/03/2022 20:20

I do appreciate all the comments everyone is making, and am giving them lots of thought.

Currently really want to text him, but am holding out. I think it will get easier as time goes on.

OP posts:
Original poster
BarbaraVineFan · 15/03/2022 20:14

Argh. Still itching to text him. Still holding out. MUST STAY STRONG

OP posts:
Original poster
BarbaraVineFan · 18/03/2022 19:25

I hope nobody minds but I am using this thread to help me not to text him! Have managed almost a week now. It's getting a bit easier but I am having to consciously avoid thinking about him, otherwise I get upset :(

OP posts:
BOOTS52 · 18/03/2022 19:43

Stay strong you are doing so well and don't text him or contact him at all and let him miss you. We are mostly all older and wiser and wish we had someone to give us advise and maybe we would not have made the same mistakes. Take this time to do things for yourself and try to keep busy, even if it is only learning to do something new, a new hobby/craft that you can do while looking after your son. If it was me personally I would not contact him at all during this time as you may find that you may not miss him as much and it could be that you are just lonely as bringing a child up alone can be so rewarding but lonely at times for adult conversation and some human contact. Maybe he is having a wobble and will miss you but for me it seems like he has all the control and that is the worrying thing. What if you do get back together and he does this again, you cannot live like that. Wishing you well and please do not text. Keep strong and busy xx

BOOTS52 · 18/03/2022 19:44

Also look up about Boundaries as it will help you.

Original poster
BarbaraVineFan · 18/03/2022 20:30

Thanks @BOOTS52 for your kind and supportive message, that means a lot. You're right, I am quite lonely and I need to work on myself a bit more I think.

OP posts:
roarfeckingroarr · 18/03/2022 20:40

I did exactly this to a man last month. I meant exactly what I said; my feelings for my ex came as a shock at that point and although I didn't want to get back together: I realised I just wasn't able to give him what he wanted / needed.

BOOTS52 · 18/03/2022 20:45

You are most welcome, keep posting for support and hope you are ok xx

DeeCeeCherry · 18/03/2022 21:05

But then at the weekend he called me in tears saying that he wants a break

Did he now?

It may or may not be true, what he's said. However it needs to end or you'll become the woman he's conveniently having sex and a nice time with a couple of times per month. Hanging on hoping for more because he said "break" not "finished".

& when you ask for more and don't get it, it will be "well I told you I wasn't ready/that I'm not in a good place right now...I didn't promise you anything".

Your priority here is to not let a man use you. He doesn't see you as his forever partner hence wants a "break" (yeah sure). You are not his priority and should waste no further time on him

Original poster
BarbaraVineFan · 18/03/2022 22:37

@roarfeckingroarr that's interesting, thank you for posting and I hope you're doing OK. Can I ask, are you 'on a break' or have you split for good?

OP posts:
Original poster
BarbaraVineFan · 18/03/2022 22:38

@DeeCeeCherry I get what you're saying. Unless I have a firm commitment from him after the month is up, I certainly won't be hanging on at all.

OP posts:
DeeCeeCherry · 19/03/2022 00:42

BarbaraVineFan
@DeeCeeCherry I get what you're saying. Unless I have a firm commitment from him after the month is up, I certainly won't be hanging on at all

Thats good OP.

He doesnt deserve you.

Good luck with everything.