Confused about boyfriend's behaviour

[BarbaraVineFan]

I have been in a relationship since mid November with someone I thought was a lovely guy, attentive, loving, reliable and kind. We had both split up with long term partners in May but it seemed that we both felt ready to move on.

Everything was going great until about a month ago, when he started to get a bit distant. He had been dealing with lots of stress at work and also had been told by his landlord that he needs to move house, so i thought it was that. I tried to give him some space bit we still saw each other a couple of times a week and had a great time.

But then at the weekend he called me in tears saying that he wants a break. Basically he is saying that the process of moving house seems to be raking up lots of feelings about his break up with his ex, as he is going through and getting rid of lots of stuff they got together. He says he still feels the same about me (we have both said that we love each other) but he doesn't feel that it's fair to be with me under the circumstances, as he can't fully commit to me in the way he knows he should.

My question is, do you think this is true and valid? My ex husband cheated on me for six months and left me for the other woman, so I think I am automatically assuming that there must be another reason. But do you think this might actually be true? And also, do you think that there might be hope for the future? I really do want to be with this man and am pretty devastated at this point,

@BarbaraVineFan

Ok, so, he was with her 8 years. He's moving from the place they shared & dealing with the things they had together. It's emotional, even when you don't want them back... you still grieve the future you thought you were going to have. Men are allowed feeling too! He wants a break, some space to get his head together. He talked to you, he didn't ghost you!

I would ask him if there's more to it, tell him you would rather have the whole truth & take the risk it'll hurt to hear, rather than be left wondering...

Then I would say 'on a break' doesn't work for you. Split up & if at some time he has his head together & wants to get in touch to do so, but you're not going to just hang around waiting for him.

It might be tempting just to 'be on a break' but IMO it's not a goid way forward.

Thanks @FantasticFebruary, I think you are seeing what I'm seeing in him. But I don't agree about the splitting up thing. Purely because if I know we are having a, say, two month break, then I can forget about him for that period of time and just get on with my life and feel in control. Whereas if we split up and I say 'get in touch in the future at an unspecified point if you want' then I think I'll just be waiting and hoping and it will actually be worse, if you see what I mean?

Asking for a break usually means the person asking wants to split up but is trying not to say so. He wouldn't be saying he wants a break if he wanted to be with you. Sorry.

suggesting complete no contact for maybe a month or two? and then checking in to see how we are both doing

Nah. What is the point of that?

Just rip the plaster off and start rebuilding your life without him.

Don't get in touch with him again. Don't even meet up for this 'one last time'. There won't be closure. Don't prolong the agony.

He is trying to let you don't gently. Leave him be and get on with your life.

Sorry.

@BarbaraVineFan

Thanks *@FantasticFebruary*, I think you are seeing what I'm seeing in him. But I don't agree about the splitting up thing. Purely because if I know we are having a, say, two month break, then I can forget about him for that period of time and just get on with my life and feel in control. Whereas if we split up and I say 'get in touch in the future at an unspecified point if you want' then I think I'll just be waiting and hoping and it will actually be worse, if you see what I mean?

Hi, yes, I do see what you mean & I have been there. I totally understand BUT having been around the block, IMO they need to understand that you have a life, you have options, you may 'move on' you're not sat around sobbing into your cornflakes...waiting for them to decide if you have a future together or not.

If I was him, I'd want you to be therefor me, to do nice things with, not 'take a break' from you ‍🤷🏻‍♀️

Where is he moving too? I really hope he's not playing silly manipulative games about moving in with you.

No, nothing about moving in together @DenholmElliot

Do you think he's been lying about his ex and there is a possibility he's going back.

Your further meetings sounds like you're trying to reel him back in.

I wouldn't play the pick me dance, it never ends well for any woman.

I would end it, it sounds like you've been messed arround enough.

“ Just rip the plaster off and start rebuilding your life without him. ”

This.

Just imagine how you would need to feel about someone to suggest having a break?
At this stage in your relationship you’ve begun to invest and he’s suddenly got cold feet and pulled out.

Agree to end it. DO NOT meet him and just start moving on with your life. When we meet someone we really want to be with we do not walk away. We seek ways to build our relationship. You were doing this and that’s why you feel so awful.

I’ve been where you are and allowed myself to be persuaded and manipulated but the end happened anyway- just after a year of my life trying to “understand.”

Bank this life lesson. Don’t waste your good years.

(I did meet someone who never confused me, regularly tells me how much I mean to him and turns to me not away from me when things go wrong).

@Ionlydomassiveones

“he doesn't feel that it's fair to be with me under the circumstances, as he can't fully commit to me in the way he knows he should.”

I read this as - you were a rebound and although it was good - he’s over that needy phase now and wants to move on - ex’s belongings are out, rebound (to get over the ex) out too.

I’m not surprised you’re devastated. Men are such selfish shits sometimes.

Why is it 'being a shot' to realise you no longer wish to date someone?

No no no

OP when people are into you they don't want breaks and such nonsense, they just want to be with you. Don't settle for this bullshit. Don't try to understand his thinking, just understand that he isn't the one for you.

Don't meet him - what the hell will it achieve? It won't give you closure, it will set you back!

HE IS NOT WORTHY OF YOU

I'm still meeting him. I really feel it is best for my mental health. But will try not to hold out hope for the future. Thanks for all your replies, really appreciate the straight talking!

I really feel it is best for my mental health

It might be worth looking into why this is the case.

Being on a break won't end well.

You might feel you have control over the situation, but you can't control his actions or feelings.

Are you allowed to meet new people on this break? Can you both sleep with other people? Be on dating apps? If you set 'rules' you are going to be constantly thinking about whether he is sticking to them.

If in 2 months time he contacts you and you've been loyal, waiting for him and he's been sleeping round it's just going to hurt more.

That's a good question about rules. That's part of what I want to talk about tomorrow (in fact we are meeting tomorrow not today, I made a mistake).

I need to think about that too and how I would feel about it if he saw other people etc.

I think you are going to get hurt here, he may wrap it up with excuses with his mental health and problems of letting go of the past but if he really wanted to stay in the relationship, he would.

He should be scared of loosing you.

Whatever novelty kept him with you has now worn off and thats difficult to repeat.

I need to think about that too and how I would feel about it if he saw other people etc

You want to talk about restrictions, you have only met him in November ber and for the last month he has been less available, as you said. It seems early days to be quoting he's the one and your future and you're devastated.

You have fallen hard for him quickly and he appears to be holding all the cards, for your own mental health I would back off.

I think you should tell him that is fine and enjoy this time apart to think do you really want to be with someone who does not value you that high and is blowing hot and cold. Respect and love yourself more. All I know is that if someone really loves you and wants to be with you they will make that possible. Take a step back and try to keep busy and be kind to yourself. A fairly new relationship should be the best time ever and if he is getting cold feet now it would make me question so much so for my sake would just not bother. That is just me but you need to read up on boundaries and love bombing and put yourself first. It is easy for a person to say all the things we want to hear but actions speak louder than words. Save yourself heartache and take time out and do not contact him. Maybe he will realize he misses you then but do not chase him.

If you be are having a break already it is clearly a relationship which is not working and do for whatever reason that may be, just walk away. Do a Dignity and self esteem check.

OP you are going to meet him anyway despite all the good advice from PP. I suspect he will say lots of nice things, but really it probably suits him to keep you on the backburner, in the background as an option. Please don't accept this as it rarely works out, how will you feel if he meets someone else as technically he's allowed to? You say you will feel in control but the reality is you will be hoping that he's changed his mind and this will end up hurting you. If he's pulling back so soon this is a warning for your future together.

Generally men end things because they've found someone "better" in their opinion or for the opportunity to shag about. Wanting to be on their own, seek therapy or find themselves is a very rare phenomenon. If there's a remote chance of you reversing this situation, back off and get your own life as right for you as possible. Leave him be. Don't play hard to get. Be hard to get. Value yourself first. It's hard won but the best course of action. All the best.

Can’t say I’d like to be left in limbo for a couple of months. Can’t say I can understand how agreeing to that would give me control over the situation. Left hanging, dangling, hoping.

If I was taking control of the situation for my mental health I’d agree to see him one last time to return anything I had of his and I’d be saying that I wished him well and I’m truly upset and sorry we didn’t work out the way I’d hoped we would but I feel it’s kinder for both of us in the long run if we don’t re-connect in a few months as this would just re-open old wounds.

Put it in perspective (I know it’s hard, I’ve been there) but until 4 months ago you didn’t know who the hell he was. He’s really very insignificant in the scheme of your life and you’ll find you get over him fairly easily after an initial period of feeling crappy. I gave myself about a week and just started dating again as it wasn’t really a bonded relationship and I knew it didn’t deserve my emotional energy.

Meeting him in about an hour. I'll update later if I can

Don’t sell yourself short.

Been thinking of your meeting today OP. I hope you get what you need from it. Like a PP said- don't sell yourself short! Trust me there are plenty more like him... many of which won't need a break after a few months.