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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Confused about boyfriend's behaviour

130 replies

BarbaraVineFan · 10/03/2022 13:02

I have been in a relationship since mid November with someone I thought was a lovely guy, attentive, loving, reliable and kind. We had both split up with long term partners in May but it seemed that we both felt ready to move on.

Everything was going great until about a month ago, when he started to get a bit distant. He had been dealing with lots of stress at work and also had been told by his landlord that he needs to move house, so i thought it was that. I tried to give him some space bit we still saw each other a couple of times a week and had a great time.

But then at the weekend he called me in tears saying that he wants a break. Basically he is saying that the process of moving house seems to be raking up lots of feelings about his break up with his ex, as he is going through and getting rid of lots of stuff they got together. He says he still feels the same about me (we have both said that we love each other) but he doesn't feel that it's fair to be with me under the circumstances, as he can't fully commit to me in the way he knows he should.

My question is, do you think this is true and valid? My ex husband cheated on me for six months and left me for the other woman, so I think I am automatically assuming that there must be another reason. But do you think this might actually be true? And also, do you think that there might be hope for the future? I really do want to be with this man and am pretty devastated at this point,

OP posts:
Cremeeggseasonx · 10/03/2022 16:46

I think that he probably did mean those things when he said them. The trouble is with someone stuck in the past is they are in a circle. They may know they can't go back or even that it wouldn't work if they did. But if they are holding guilt about their behaviour it usually means they regret what they did and it makes them feel if they hadn't behaved that way, they'd have not lost the person they lost. But its wasted energy. He's got to go through that and make peace with that. There are 5 stages of grief for a relationship and there's no correct order but acceptance is the final one.

He may miss you in q few weeks and start thinking why did I let her go. Why did I give up. He could be forever battling in his head thinking there's this wonderful woman but I can't stop caring for my ex.

Its so unfair on you regardless of what's the reason x

Original poster
BarbaraVineFan · 10/03/2022 17:02

@Onthedunes please read the thread! It was certainly not an affair, our long term relationships both coincidentally ended in May. We were completely unaware of each other's existence until November!

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 10/03/2022 17:15

Sounds like he was a git in his last relationship, started seeing you, she threw him out and he then tried to make it work with you

He was probably punishing her for some misdemeanor such as not allowing him to get his own way within the relationship

This is pure conjecture, @Onthedunes. You should write for Eastenders, with that level of drama...

Momijin · 10/03/2022 17:22

Whether or not he's not over his ex or whether he thrives on attention but he's emotionally unavailable, you shouldn't have to deal with this a few months into a relationship.

Let him go.

Onthedunes · 10/03/2022 17:42

Oh Im sorry op, I have misread.

Well his head is clearly not in the right place to make a go of this relationship yet, 8 years is a long time to be with someone, sounds like he hasn't properly grieved over it yet.

I would let him go, at least it's only been a matter of months so hopefully you can get back on the dating scene and forget this mixed up man.

coldfeetmama · 10/03/2022 17:48

I think he's let you down gently and has switched off

Wish him well and move on with your life

Peachtoiletpaper · 10/03/2022 17:52

How shitty, sorry OP.

I would take what he says at face value. As in he's not over his ex, ergo not available to you. Don't try and unpick any further or try and pump him for more info. The point is he's not engaged enough to stick with you. His loss. Doesn't really matter what the processes are behind this.

I'd acknowledge him, saying that you consider this a permanent and clean break and wish him well. Don't entertain texts or calls about his angst, or checkings-in. You've given him a chance and if he's not in, he's out. Better to draw a line and move on.

Original poster
BarbaraVineFan · 10/03/2022 19:33

So we are meeting up for one last time tomorrow. The idea is that we discuss the terms of the break then. I was thinking of suggesting complete no contact for maybe a month or two? and then checking in to see how we are both doing. Does anyone think this is a good plan or do you all think we should just make a clean break?

OP posts:
Original poster
BarbaraVineFan · 10/03/2022 19:36

Sorry, I mean Saturday not tomorrow

OP posts:
Cactuslove · 10/03/2022 19:39

@BarbaraVineFan

So we are meeting up for one last time tomorrow. The idea is that we discuss the terms of the break then. I was thinking of suggesting complete no contact for maybe a month or two? and then checking in to see how we are both doing. Does anyone think this is a good plan or do you all think we should just make a clean break?
Just make a clean break. I wouldn't even meet tomorrow- who suggested that by the way? What is there to discuss really? It's just a ego massage for him... he's essentially finished with you and gets to see how broken up you are.

I honestly say this so that you can protect yourself from further heartache x

JudyGemstone · 10/03/2022 19:44

Sounds like a version of ‘it’s not you, it’s me’.

He may well have meant what he said at the time, or just been trying to convince himself: you’ll probably never know and it’s not that relevant now anyway.

It’s always painful to be dumped but it’ll feel better soon Flowers

Watchkeys · 10/03/2022 19:45

He now has form, within just a short time together, for making you feel used, led on, sad, disappointed, confused... why would you consider engaging in more of this in the future?

Original poster
BarbaraVineFan · 10/03/2022 19:45

I suggested it, because I felt as though it would be a good idea to get closure.

OP posts:
Cactuslove · 10/03/2022 19:48

@BarbaraVineFan

I suggested it, because I felt as though it would be a good idea to get closure.
I'm sorry and I don't mean to be blunt but in my view the fact that you suggested this just further shows that he has finished with you albeit in a 'gentle' way. I genuinely think he is just meeting to indulge you. I really really wouldn't bother.
Peachtoiletpaper · 10/03/2022 19:48

Personally I would call it quits. You'll probably be living in hope for 2 months and building him into something he's not making things harder for you in the longer term. There would be nothing stopping him from getting back in touch in future if he realises he's made a mistake so it actually changes nothing but generally if someone wants to be with us, they will be so I would avoid prolonging this.

You could tell him, 'I'm not stopping you from contacting me in future if things change but I won't wait around on a 'break' if your heart isn't currently in it' so things were clear. Don't accept half measures, you deserve more.

If he just needed s couple of weeks' space to sort out the move etc, that would he different to suggesting a break. Take control of the situation here, you'll thank yourself.

Watchkeys · 10/03/2022 19:49

You want closure from him, in a meeting with a view to checking in with each other in a month or two? That's not closure.

Cactuslove · 10/03/2022 19:50

You seem like a nice person. Honestly I recently went through a break up and genuinely wished I could sleep and never wake up some days. It gets better within a couple of months I am so much happier. Honestly it's hard and you won't believe me but better days are coming and you will absolutely be OK in a few months.

Original poster
BarbaraVineFan · 10/03/2022 19:57

I definitely want to meet with him. I think it will help me emotionally. But I.just want to know whether to suggest a clean break when we meet, or whether a two month period would be a good idea

OP posts:
Cactuslove · 10/03/2022 20:01

I suppose it's for him to make any suggestions as he is the one leading the split? So really unless he suggests anything I would take it that this meeting is the last time you'll be meeting with him.

Original poster
BarbaraVineFan · 10/03/2022 20:03

But @Cactuslove that is what I am trying to avoid - trying to go in with a plan of what I want to achieve so that I can have some control over the situation.

OP posts:
Cactuslove · 10/03/2022 20:07

But ultimately you don't want to split and he does. So I don't understand what plan you can have? He's checked out. So I would go with a clean break rather than try and drag him into catching up with you in 2 months.

You do what you feel is best OP I just worry that meeting him and then asking for a catch up in 2 months is just going to be more heart ache for you. Look after yourself.

Original poster
BarbaraVineFan · 10/03/2022 20:10

I see your point @Cactuslove, thank you. But he has suggested a break and then reconnecting. What I am asking is whether I should accept or reject this suggestion.

OP posts:
Cactuslove · 10/03/2022 20:14

I suppose it comes down to whether you trust his intentions or think he could be trying to let you down gently? Do you think he really wants to reconcile at some point or isn't brave enough to break up properly with you?

RiverSkater · 10/03/2022 20:16

He called you crying to tell you he wants a break? That's manipulative.

Please don't meet him. You'll just get really upset. Either he wants to be with you or he doesn't. He knows how you feel about him so he's being very unfair on you. He wants you on his emotional back burner and you deserve better. Tell him so,

Original poster
BarbaraVineFan · 10/03/2022 20:18

Well that's the thing, that's why I want to meet with him in person, because then I think it will be easier to tell what his true intentions are.

OP posts:
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