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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Confused about boyfriend's behaviour

130 replies

BarbaraVineFan · 10/03/2022 13:02

I have been in a relationship since mid November with someone I thought was a lovely guy, attentive, loving, reliable and kind. We had both split up with long term partners in May but it seemed that we both felt ready to move on.

Everything was going great until about a month ago, when he started to get a bit distant. He had been dealing with lots of stress at work and also had been told by his landlord that he needs to move house, so i thought it was that. I tried to give him some space bit we still saw each other a couple of times a week and had a great time.

But then at the weekend he called me in tears saying that he wants a break. Basically he is saying that the process of moving house seems to be raking up lots of feelings about his break up with his ex, as he is going through and getting rid of lots of stuff they got together. He says he still feels the same about me (we have both said that we love each other) but he doesn't feel that it's fair to be with me under the circumstances, as he can't fully commit to me in the way he knows he should.

My question is, do you think this is true and valid? My ex husband cheated on me for six months and left me for the other woman, so I think I am automatically assuming that there must be another reason. But do you think this might actually be true? And also, do you think that there might be hope for the future? I really do want to be with this man and am pretty devastated at this point,

OP posts:
Original poster
BarbaraVineFan · 12/03/2022 23:24

Update.. We are having a break of a month. We have agreed not to see other people in that time and also that we will go low contact but not no contact.

I know many of you may not believe this or agree that I've done the right thing, but I genuinely believe after speaking with him tonight that he is telling the truth, that he is just overwhelmed with his feelings and with all the changes in his life and that there is nobody else in the picture.

We talked about the future and he said that he wanted to fully commit to me but that he feels unable to at the moment with everything that's going on.

There are other factors too. I have a 2 year old, he lives 45 mins away and I don't drive, which mean that seeing each other is a bit more logistically challenging. So that's partly why I feel that his feelings are understandable and that he isn't concealing some dark secret. I just think he has too much going on right now.

Now I will await the onslaught!

OP posts:
coldfeetmama · 13/03/2022 06:43

There is no onslaught , you are an adult who can do as you please
If you ask for advice then you will get it
Best of luck OP

RantyAunty · 13/03/2022 06:52

Good luck.
Make sure LC doesn't mean him coming over for a shag and leaving.
That should be completely off the table for him.

Aubree17 · 13/03/2022 06:53

I think he's telling the truth.
Unfortunately I think he still has unresolved feelings about his ex.
I would take the month and work on yourself. Set yourself a little project.
Give him the space he needs.
Have faith that if it's meant to be he will return to you at a time that is right for both of you.

Original poster
BarbaraVineFan · 13/03/2022 07:06

@RantyAunty definitely not. We didn't have sex yesterday either but we did kiss with great tenderness.

I may be an idiot but I think it's not the end of the road for us.

Regarding a project, I agree @Aubree17, I plan to start doing some exercise (currently do none except running after my toddler).

OP posts:
Original poster
BarbaraVineFan · 13/03/2022 11:04

We are also both looking into getting therapy, (individually) which I think will help too

OP posts:
Cactuslove · 13/03/2022 11:22

Good luck OP x

Original poster
BarbaraVineFan · 13/03/2022 12:13

Thank you @Cactuslove x

OP posts:
Vapeyvapevape · 13/03/2022 15:00

I hope it works out for you but I'll eat my hat if he doesn't see anyone else while you're on this break.

Original poster
BarbaraVineFan · 13/03/2022 16:37

Thanks @Vapeyvapevape, I can see why you're saying that but I don't get those vibes at all, maybe I'm wrong but I can't see that happening.

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bluedodecagon · 13/03/2022 16:46

Oh no! If you wanted to get him back this isn’t the way to do it.

If you wanted to have the break, you should have made it a clean break. That way he could actually miss you. What you’ve done now is set a low contact standard that he will probably extend and extend and extend.

You’ve given him all the power. I don’t think he’s even lying to you but you’ve made it clear that you’ll accept crumbs and on some level, he’s going to feel safe that he can treat you like an option.

Original poster
BarbaraVineFan · 13/03/2022 16:49

I don't agree with that @bluedodecagon. We both agreed that we would struggle with no contact at all, but I'm not exactly planning to contact him! I'm just talking the odd text if something significant happens - for example he is moving house, I am looking for a job, so if anything happens for either of us we will let each other know, that's all. There is still plenty of space for him to miss me

OP posts:
FrancescaContini · 13/03/2022 16:54

I’m sorry to be the one to throw a spanner in the works but I think he’s lying. I had something similar happen to me. A few months later, he got back in touch with me out of the blue with a bullshit story. Clearly his other option hadn’t worked out. Thankfully my self esteem was strong and I told him to fuck off and never contact me again.

Just out of interest: who suggested that you should have some therapy? Was this his idea?

I totally agree with PP - get active and busy. If he contacts you, be as brief as possible.

Original poster
BarbaraVineFan · 13/03/2022 16:58

@FrancescaContini thank you and I'm sorry that happened to you, but I really don't think so. I might be wrong but I don't think so.

Nobody suggested I should have therapy, I decided myself- have been thinking about it for a while after going through a lot of stuff. I hadn't told him this but he independently mentioned that he was going to seek help himself for his issues relating to his ex.

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Onthedunes · 13/03/2022 17:21

Looks like you underestimated the ex, she's thrown something into the mix either emotionally or financially.

He's treading careful

The problem is will his interest in you decline?

Onthedunes · 13/03/2022 17:28

I also imagine there may be a bit of trauma bonding going on during this coming month.

The ex may not want him but she may be trying to destroy whatever you have with him.

It happens a lot.

Whilst you think he's secretly making plans to move away and on, he may be having some nostalgic intimacy.

Really, why wait, you are trusting him too much, he's a bullshitter, whose not a100% sure of what he wants.

Original poster
BarbaraVineFan · 13/03/2022 17:36

I really don't think his ex is on the scene, honestly. But I see a lot of people are suspicious of his motives here, which I can understand I guess

OP posts:
cordelia16 · 13/03/2022 20:23

@Watchkeys

Why is a dangerous question. Sometimes people do things that don't make sense. Your job isn't to work them out like a puzzle. Your job is to provide yourself with a happy, relaxed life, so, if someone doesn't make sense to you, distance yourself from them.

You could spend all eternity wondering why he's said and done what he's said and done. Unless he tells you clearly, and you're able to believe him, where do you expect to get certainty from?

You may never know. I know it's not what you want to hear, but it's the best advice there is for closure: accept that you will never know how he could be so hurtful, but move away from him, the source of the hurt.

absolutely yes to all of this
bluedodecagon · 13/03/2022 21:06

@BarbaraVineFan

He won’t get a chance to miss you because if he does he’ll just get in contact with you. I don’t think he’s lying or is a monster but I think you’ve played this all wrong.

Genuinely I think that this could actually have worked out but you have put the nail in the coffin on this relationship. Completely the wrong way to handle this. Kissing tenderly, LC - all wrong!

bluedodecagon · 13/03/2022 21:08

You teach people how to treat you. And whether to respect you. This is a masterclass in how to get messed around.

Vapeyvapevape · 14/03/2022 02:25

This is a masterclass in how to get messed around

100% agree with this.

GiantHaystacks2021 · 14/03/2022 02:37

Oh bin.

He sounds like a big knickers.
Delete.
Block.
Move on.

Midlifemusings · 14/03/2022 03:06

It is quite possible that what he told you is what is happening. But listen to what he is telling you. He is dealing with a lot of unresolved emotion and isn't able to commit or be who he needs to be in a relationship. Those kind of issues don't resolve in a few weeks. I think you are going to end up being hurt more by trying to hold onto this and there really isn't enough to hold onto. He may have agreed to the month as a way of being kind and not wanting to hurt you but do you really want someone who can't be who you need and isn't in the right mental or emotional space to be a healthy partner?

I would end it and go about your lives and if at some point he feels really healthy and ready he could always reach out to you - but I wouldn't sit around waiting for that. Go live your life.

ravenmum · 14/03/2022 09:16

He's 45 minutes away? You have been to his home though?

Original poster
BarbaraVineFan · 14/03/2022 09:26

Yes @ravenmum, lots of times. He is definitely single!

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