OLD Plonker- Ignore or make witty comeback?

[WitheringTights2022]

Hi all,
Long time lurker on Mumsnet...so I dipped my toe in OLD (Tinder)in summer 2021. some friends had a few horror stories but I had to see for myself. Im late 20's.

Previously I had only dated guys I met in real life. I had always been a bit "icy" in the past when it came to guys ..have acted cold/disinterested as I think then they can't take the piss. Eventually this would cause some guys to become disinterested.

I decided to be more enthusiastic on OLD. Got chatting to a lot of guys, one in particular had a lot of chat with. He said he was looking for the same thing (maybe I was being gullible at taking that at face value), he asked to take me out and we were trying to figure out logistics ( he lives over two hours away)..he offered to travel to me but I was hesitant as would of preferred half way.

Anyway before we agreed a date...he completely changed and became very cocky and asked for something casual. I knocked him back and gave him a harsh response ( I can be very sharp tongued) , although some friends thought it was quite witty....and it seemed to knock some of the cockiness out of him. He changed tactic and sent a few nice messages which I ignored...this was October..then sent a New Year message....again I ignored...

Looking back on it I wasn't sure of the term at the time, but he did "neg" me when we were chatting fora while, its something I had not experienced before OLD. I told him i don't like sport and he said "well you have to exercise to look good naked"...I responded with " well, I think I look good naked"...no way was I revealing any insecurities to him.

Anyway cue today, five (yes five) messages from him, he has screen shotted my "well I think I look good naked" ...from September...( he would of had to have scrolled through soo many messages to find it)...and has asked me to "prove it '..obv I don't respond so he keeps messaging "I'm horny and hungover please help me out"

"no nothing?" " sit on my face" ...i have read them all and ignored them,....the disrespect is unbelieveable...

I don't know whether to send a really rude response back like , "well, funny how you wont offer a dick picin return, is it that small"

or " i have someones face to sit on now thanks, its been most enjoyable"

.....I feel some of these smarmy little twats need a taste of their own medicine...and yes, taking down a peg or two...His tone was just so disrespectful I want to say something equally rude back..

OR ...I don't know if ignoring him is best...He has sent me 8 messages since October which I havent replied to...ignoring his messages seems to make him message more and more.

Sooo...ignore or be childish and respond!? Thanks if you have read this long....

And does anyone else find themselves only attracted to arseholes such as this?

Ive been ignored some really nice guys who would be decent catches...I have no idea why I do that ...I think I see it as boring....

TIA.

I recommend checking out

Byefelipe
and
Beammeup_softboi

On Instagram. Enjoy

Thanks everyone for your responses!

When I say I have been icy in the past, I don’t mean I have deliberately messed guys around. But I wouldn’t show if I liked someone…. I always remember a friends mother when we were teenagers sitting me and her down and saying ‘don’t ever let a guy know you like them’ …so I always gave off an ice girl persona, which actually puts off the decent normal men.

So I decided to be more keen and enthusiastic on OLD …( my friends have been like this with guys and gotten relationships out of it)

But I think this guy took advantage of my nice/naive nature and the fact I have never used OLD and don’t know what it is like…

This morning his messages make me feel Awful and upset….tbh I feel like I am the only one who gets the disrespect because he obviously doesn’t see me as a good enough catch to have respect for.

Tbh the reason why I swiped on him is because his job seems interesting (he had it on his profile) …..rather than it being his appearance I swiped on.

My friend said I should message him a comeback and say ‘ I only swiped right on you as I heard less attractive men are nicer guys’ ( I would never say this to a nice guy btw)

He did say to be before that I ‘undoubtedly have better offers than him’ …so there must be a little insecurity in there somewhere and I wanted to hit a nerve a little bit.

I think he knew I was keen and liked him tbh and he has just taken the piss.

But I should probably take the higher ground and ignore.

Just block, OP, do it now. Why are you wasting any time or emotional energy on this guy? You've never met him, he sounds like a dick, he makes you feel upset.

Why do you want to hit a nerve of someone who you probably wouldn’t know if you walked past them in the street? I think your ego has taken a hit and you want to lash out. So, let’s say you send that message, what do you think would come if it? He won’t give a shit or will send something spiteful back. Seriously, you’re behaving like someone younger than late twenties.
It is hurtful if you thought it had potential but he was honest as bout wanting something very casual. You need a thick skin for OLD.

@icelollycraving -

I guess I could say the same about him, why does he want to wind up and get a reaction of someone he has never met?

I know I’m acting a bit immature, but he is in his 30’s, so I think his behaviour is even worse tbh.

He wasn’t upfront about casual at all actually, he told me he has never had casual sex, is only looking for a relationship etc, and that he wouldn’t waste my time messaging me if he was only looking for casual as he knows that’s not what I’m looking for.

Then got drunk and asked for ‘casual’

There are other guys I have met from OLD who straight away told me they wanted ‘casual’ and told me they wouldn’t want to waste my time…

I guess I expected the same integrity from him!

Yeah, OLD requires a thick skin and instant blocking of anyone who makes you uncomfortable or seems "off," including any creep who starts in on sex talk before you've even met. Just unmatch and move on.

You can meet some nice men, so just ruthlessly block the creeps and then be nice and polite to non-creeps. There's no need to play games or try to trade put-downs, focus your energy on having a nice normal genuine conversation with the few decent matches you find.

Good luck!

@WitheringTights2022

Thanks everyone for your responses!

When I say I have been icy in the past, I don’t mean I have deliberately messed guys around. But I wouldn’t show if I liked someone…. I always remember a friends mother when we were teenagers sitting me and her down and saying ‘don’t ever let a guy know you like them’ …so I always gave off an ice girl persona, which actually puts off the decent normal men.

So I decided to be more keen and enthusiastic on OLD …( my friends have been like this with guys and gotten relationships out of it)

But I think this guy took advantage of my nice/naive nature and the fact I have never used OLD and don’t know what it is like…

This morning his messages make me feel Awful and upset….tbh I feel like I am the only one who gets the disrespect because he obviously doesn’t see me as a good enough catch to have respect for.

Tbh the reason why I swiped on him is because his job seems interesting (he had it on his profile) …..rather than it being his appearance I swiped on.

My friend said I should message him a comeback and say ‘ I only swiped right on you as I heard less attractive men are nicer guys’ ( I would never say this to a nice guy btw)

He did say to be before that I ‘undoubtedly have better offers than him’ …so there must be a little insecurity in there somewhere and I wanted to hit a nerve a little bit.

I think he knew I was keen and liked him tbh and he has just taken the piss.

But I should probably take the higher ground and ignore.

Ignore your friend, her advice is terrible. Your friend's mother's advice wasn't great either, tbh. You don't need to 'let a guy know you like them', but just act normally and at a minimum, just be courteous for as long as he is. If there is a genuine spark there and you like him, let it develop. Don't play games, they only end up disadvantage you as either guys will respond in a way which upsets you (firing unkind words back, negging, or just being disrespectful and making clear you'd be nothing but a temporary spunk receptacle).

Your attitude to dating and relationships is all wrong.

OP you've been messaging this guy since at least September. I'm not sure what either of you want as unless you meet face to face you're not going to have sex or a chance for a relationship to grow.

My OLD asked me to marry him within 7 months of us first meeting, you've spent 6 months on this bloke and not even met him.

Seriously bin and move on.

God, it all sounds so bloody juvenile.

This morning his messages make me feel Awful and upset….tbh I feel like I am the only one who gets the disrespect because he obviously doesn’t see me as a good enough catch to have respect for.

With respect, the guy is a random thrown up by an OLD algorithm, that you've never met -- how can you possibly know what or if he's messaging to other women he's contacted via OLD? It's perfectly possible he's sent identical messages to twenty women, hoping someone is undiscriminating enough to shag him. You're making it into a personalised drama it almost certainly isn't.

Also, you need to stop taking your friends' and your friends' mothers' shite advice. Not ever letting a guy know you like him is ridiculous once you're past the age of getting your friend to ask his friend if he'd like to meet you behind the bike sheds. You're hanging yourself with your 'ice girl persona', let alone doing some kind of vox pop among your mates for what kind of 'witty comeback' you should send.

Forget this guy, and stop tying yourself into knots so much.

@PearPickingPorky -

Yes I know it isn’t sensible to play games. But the weird thing is the last time I said something pretty harsh he didn’t fire back at all. He back pedalled massively and started acting all nicely. I felt because I had stood up to him, he backed down.

@rookiemere - that sounds great. Hopefully I can find someone like that eventually.

@Erinyes - I definitely feel as though it’s personal. I think he’s just thought ‘ oh here someone gullible I can take the piss put of’ yes, I know the ice queen thing has failed me in the past, but then the one time I was nice and enthusiastic….this happened.

I do feel like I should maybe say, you are harassing me now, it’s really creeping me out. Please stop!

Just block him. You don't want casual, he's suggested that when drunk. He's not someone you want in your life.

block

never, ever engage, always block

Yes I know it isn’t sensible to play games. But the weird thing is the last time I said something pretty harsh he didn’t fire back at all. He back pedalled massively and started acting all nicely. I felt because I had stood up to him, he backed down.

But don't you see? This isn't a good thing! You don't want to be involved with a man who is unkind/disrespectful to you if he thinks he can get away with it. You don't want someone who is only nice to you on those terms.

He's not a good 'un, OP. Pay him no more heed.

Change your own mindset too with regards to how you treat potential men/boyfriends, and stop the gameplaying, because you're only hurting yourself ultimately.

@WitheringTights2022 you're a lot more likely to meet someone nice if you stop engaging with men like this.

It's not going anywhere, it's been six months and you've not met him.

I am old and out of touch but surely the point of OLD is to actually meet the person and then determine if there is a spark.

@PearPickingPorky -

I know. For some reason ever since I sent him a sharp remark about him not being my type physically, it has only made him bombard me more with messages.

He also sent me a photo of himself ( not a rude one) one time after a run and said ‘maybe I don’t look great though’ ….so was fishing for a compliment deffo…so maybe deep down isn’t as cocky as he seems.

I know I need to change my mindset, but the one time I was open and honest was this time, and I’ve basically been made a fool of!

He also sent me a photo of himself ( not a rude one) one time after a run and said ‘maybe I don’t look great though’ ….so was fishing for a compliment deffo…so maybe deep down isn’t as cocky as he seems.

But why do you think this is a good thing? Why does it give you pleasure that you've knocked his confidence about his looks? This isn't a nice thing to do to anyone, and any social interaction which involves one party trying to make the other feel insecure is not a good one, so you should extricate yourself from it ASAP.

@PearPickingPorky -

No honestly it doesn’t give me pleasure that I’ve knocked his confidence about his looks at all. Trust me I’m not that type of person, I’m very self critical and have self esteem issues myself!

It’s just that’s the only thing for some reason that seems to make his ego a little smaller I have noticed…he doesn’t seem to care for example that his personality/creepiness is off putting…yet cares if someone doesn’t think he is an Adonis!

Yea I know I should, I feel as though yesterday he was deliberately trying to upset me and just thought ‘eugh how horrible’

"I feel I should say you are harassing me now, please stop"
Stop engaging fgs, you are sounding like a silly girl loving the drama.

The man's an arse. Why are you making excuses for him? Why are you looking for explanations about his behaviour? Block him.

@Ihopeyourcakeisshit -

He has sent me a total of 8 messages in a row. Some PP have said it’s harassment, so I was going to just say stop harassing me in order to get him to finally stop messaging.

@Auntieobem - I know he is an arse. It just feels like shit that he was so rude and disrespectful towards me and was deliberately trying to wind me up….I always get the shitty bloody treatment..So I wanted to say a
something not nice back.

The reason you are attracted to men like this is because of your low self esteem. I used to be exactly the same, nice guys were 'boring' and I have sadly had bad relationships because of my mindset.

The 'exciting' guys love bombed me, lots of drama and also lots of hurt. I'd actually say it was my early 30's before I realised how wrong everything was. Not sure on your childhood but I definitely believe my past relationship choices were a result of childhood experiences.

I would definitely block and forget about this one, it is the only way for you to put in boundaries with someone like that. Witty comebacks will most likely just amuse him and he'll see it as a challenge. It doesn't matter what he thinks, he's bad news and not worth your time.

As PP have said, as soon as someone crosses a line just block, it's the only way!

Just to add, I felt empowered once I had 'learned' just to cut toxic, game players off as soon as I felt uncomfortable. It really did help my self esteem and I couldn't have cared less whether someone thought it was because they'd got to me. You're making a stronger message doing that which is 'I won't tolerate this behaviour'. If anything he'll probably think you're enjoying it or why wouldn't you block? Blue ticks to him will probably make him think you're just playing hard to get.

He has sent me a total of 8 messages in a row. Some PP have said it’s harassment, so I was going to just say stop harassing me in order to get him to finally stop messaging.

If you genuinely want him to finally stop messaging, block him. You're revelling in the drama and attention.

You might have wanted to retaliate with something not nice back, but the mature thing to do - the thing that someone with more self-esteem would do - is block him and give him no further unwarranted space in your head.

@ThistlesAndUnicorns

Just to add, I felt empowered once I had 'learned' just to cut toxic, game players off as soon as I felt uncomfortable. It really did help my self esteem and I couldn't have cared less whether someone thought it was because they'd got to me. You're making a stronger message doing that which is 'I won't tolerate this behaviour'. If anything he'll probably think you're enjoying it or why wouldn't you block? Blue ticks to him will probably make him think you're just playing hard to get.

All of this ⬆️