Am I too spiky to be online dating?

[Ywnaged]

I’ve realised that I am ruthless at the moment on dating apps.

For background; I split up with someone around Xmas. My call. Prior to that I was in a fairly long-term relationship with a rather controlling man. I’m now wondering whether I’m too jaded to be back on the dating scene. I know what I don’t want but not what I do if that makes sense?

Some examples below. I’d love to know if I’m being overly harsh/not ready to be back out there or whether I’m just observing my instincts.

-one guy told me he always takes the women he matches on the same first date; a dog walk by the beach so ‘at least the dog gets a walk’ I unmatched him

-a guy I was meant to meet for coffee specified in his profile that he liked ‘violent sports’ which for some reason gave me a bad feeling. My texts have trailed off since reading that

-I’ve sacked off a date tonight as i’ve had a tough week at work and didn’t feel a spark when we met 2 weeks back. Couldn’t bring myself to go out and be perky (this is quite unlike me!) whereas previously I would have gone and given it a shot

-I’ve been messaging a guy who wants to meet tomorrow. He has suggested a different, more inconvenient place (between our homes) to meet on three occasions which I have (twice) politely pushed back. Today I firmly asked him what the deal was with him insisting on an awkward meeting spot and he backed right down. I’m already hacked off with what I sense is boundary pushing. AIBU to cancel?!

Argh, I just don’t have a sense of whether it’s too soon for me to be dating, whether I’m being overly frosty or whether I’m spot on in my assessments and should just keep trucking. Or maybe even step away from the apps until I feel less angry.

Any advice?

Well, in my humble opinion, I think it’s all part of the (tiresome) OLD pre-date process. So many flakeys, so it’s good to do some weeding out. The difficulties you describe all sound slightly irksome/bad faith, so good call I think.

You might have been a bit harsh with the dog walker. He loves his dog, can't be too bad!

To be fair though, if your heart's not in it you're wasting everyone's time and you own.

Ling, I see your point, but would you meet a man who is saying to you, effectively, well at least if our date is a bunch of crap and a waste of time, Bozo will have had some fresh air ?

@FurPunt this is exactly my point. It’s the same date with a different face. No creativity or thought!

@FurPunt

Ling, I see your point, but would you meet a man who is saying to you, effectively, well at least if our date is a bunch of crap and a waste of time, Bozo will have had some fresh air ?

Well, yes tbh I would. It at least shows a realistic view of old.

And if OP is feeling jaded (and that's acceptable), then why can't her first dates? After they have met it's different, but until then it's fine imo

Yeah. I agree you were a bit harsh on the dog guy. But other than that YANBU. If you're not feeling it, you're not feeling it. Dating is supposed to be fun after all.

The dog walker has the same attitude to dating I have, that would be a great date for me.

Violent sports - does he mean contact sports, like rugby? Or just violent?

The one tonight with no spark, that’s fair enough.

And we’ll done on pushing back the inconvenient location guy.

Carry on!

Yanbu I'm exactly the same.

I also discriminate against anyone who poses shirtless, with their tongue out or trying to do 'sexy' eyes while in bed....Anyone who says theyll be annoyed if you don't look like your pic, who are actually older than their profile says, anyone called Simon, or Andy (or variations thereof)...Anyone who decides their profile is the best place to disclose fetishes, people who don't smile, photos where you can't actually see their face, only 1 photo and then random memes or captions...anyone who takes drugs (or doesn't specify that they dont take drugs)...Those who say they want someone without trauma/emotional baggage....The list goes on.

I don't date very often.

I don't think you were too harsh on any of them, including the dog guy. Presumably he checks first that the women he sees actually like dogs and are happy for the dog to tag along?

@Susu49

Yanbu I'm exactly the same.

I also discriminate against anyone who poses shirtless, with their tongue out or trying to do 'sexy' eyes while in bed....Anyone who says theyll be annoyed if you don't look like your pic, who are actually older than their profile says, anyone called Simon, or Andy (or variations thereof)...Anyone who decides their profile is the best place to disclose fetishes, people who don't smile, photos where you can't actually see their face, only 1 photo and then random memes or captions...anyone who takes drugs (or doesn't specify that they dont take drugs)...Those who say they want someone without trauma/emotional baggage....The list goes on.

I don't date very often.

Simon or Andy 🤣what's the back story here?

Think they’re all fair enough except I’m a bit confused about the location guy. What makes this location so inconvenient if it’s between where you both live? Is the problem that he’s trying to change plans you’ve agreed on?

Sounds like you know how to sort the wheat from the chaff

@JemimaTiggywinkle

So we’re supposed to be going for a walk, right? He’s said let’s park in a shop car park that’s roughly a mile from the walk (a known beauty spot). But I’m saying ‘no, there’s a carpark at the walking spot, that’s way more convenient for me’. So now he’s thrice tried to push the issue of parking in the shop carpark. Meeting someone for the first time and being a mile from my car is less than ideal! He did back down but it’s left me feeling pissy.

@Susu49 omg we should compare notes. But pray tell us what Andy or Simon did wrong! To add my own to your very valid list: anyone who disses women/online dating in their profile along the lines of ‘Noone talks on this app, it’s shit’ (for God’s sake!); anyone who misuses you’re/your, anyone who is obsessed with gaming or had the same photo of them with a slightly different grimace or jumper in each. Pray god be original.

Yea that’s weird and annoying - feel like making convoluted plans to avoid paying for parking is not first date material.

This is what you have to do. Be as discerning as possible.
I refused to date anyone who played the acoustic guitar. Me being the fruit loop that I am even mentioned it in my profile. I thought someone who played guitar would be a little too in touch with their emotions.
I’ve been married nearly 10 years to my first date from online so being ruthless worked for me.

@Ywnaged You just know how to spot the none starters. Carry on as you are.

Regarding the beauty spot walk. Was this beauty spot somewhere that was guaranteed to have lots of other people around? Because otherwise its a no go before he even gets to the parking bollocks. Never go anywhere with a stranger where you might find yourselves alone.

Not that I would go on a walk date anyway. You're not a dog!

@CrumpetStrumpet irrespective of the location (and yes, other people likely to be in that spot) my frustration was down to the inconvenience of what he was suggesting.

OP, stick with being spikey. Defensive. Self-protective. Whatever you want to call it.

I’ve been called defensive and prickly in the past. Wasn’t aware I was being at the time but, looking back, I think I’d just reached a level of zero tolerance for time-wasting crap. Like you say, I know what I DON’T want but it’s less clear what I DO want. But apparently I haven’t found it yet.

I’m working on the theory that someone, someday will come along that doesn’t trigger my defences. Until then, the tar and feathers are poised and ready

One thing though, it’s always defence. Never attack.

I'd self diagnose as being spikey too. But as mentioned by someone above, I don't have patience to indulge people or "give them a chance" to see if they are an exception to the rule / my gut instinct is wrong (I have done in the past, never worked out once). I'd probably say no to all. With the potential exception of the dog walker IF he saw that "date" as more of a pre-date (basically, like an hours coffee date, where you both see if you can each others company for an hour before you then date properly)

Feel like I need to clarify the dog walking thing.

He takes every ‘first date’ on the exact same scenario and volunteered this info! That is; dog walk on the beach with a hot chocolate. Every first date! And even said that it was tactical, so that in na worst case scenario the dog would have been exercised.

Why would I want to meet someone who has already mapped out how we’ll be spending our time?!

It's probably a bit of both.

Your not ready and a bit of necessary weeding out is required.

I think the longer you do online dating the more brutal you get. They say your experiences shape you....
If Mr Right comes along you'll know. In the meantime if you think your being too brutal a short break usually helps!
None of your reasons for not wanting to meet sounded unreasonable to me. Why would you have a second date with someone your not that keen on? When you meet someone you like you know by the end of the 1st date if you like them!

I had an ex Simon who was a d*ck and I've never met a decent Andy.

I also rule out anyone called Graham but that's just because I don't like the name!

I think you were harsh on the dog guy but everyone else? As you were...

@Ywnaged definitely with you on those attributes too. Thought I was completely non judgemental as far as spelling/grammar goes until I joined OLD and found I can't bring myself to swipe right with people who get you're/your or they're/their/there mixed up!