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Original poster

Am I too spiky to be online dating?

117 replies

Ywnaged · 05/03/2022 20:02

I’ve realised that I am ruthless at the moment on dating apps.

For background; I split up with someone around Xmas. My call. Prior to that I was in a fairly long-term relationship with a rather controlling man. I’m now wondering whether I’m too jaded to be back on the dating scene. I know what I don’t want but not what I do if that makes sense?

Some examples below. I’d love to know if I’m being overly harsh/not ready to be back out there or whether I’m just observing my instincts.

-one guy told me he always takes the women he matches on the same first date; a dog walk by the beach so ‘at least the dog gets a walk’ I unmatched him

-a guy I was meant to meet for coffee specified in his profile that he liked ‘violent sports’ which for some reason gave me a bad feeling. My texts have trailed off since reading that

-I’ve sacked off a date tonight as i’ve had a tough week at work and didn’t feel a spark when we met 2 weeks back. Couldn’t bring myself to go out and be perky (this is quite unlike me!) whereas previously I would have gone and given it a shot

-I’ve been messaging a guy who wants to meet tomorrow. He has suggested a different, more inconvenient place (between our homes) to meet on three occasions which I have (twice) politely pushed back. Today I firmly asked him what the deal was with him insisting on an awkward meeting spot and he backed right down. I’m already hacked off with what I sense is boundary pushing. AIBU to cancel?!

Argh, I just don’t have a sense of whether it’s too soon for me to be dating, whether I’m being overly frosty or whether I’m spot on in my assessments and should just keep trucking. Or maybe even step away from the apps until I feel less angry.

Any advice?

OP posts:

Original poster

Ywnaged · 06/03/2022 18:54

@FleurDeLizz thanks! You’re on my wavelength

OP posts:

Hrpuffnstuff1 · 06/03/2022 19:17

@Ywnaged

I’ve realised that I am ruthless at the moment on dating apps.

Some examples below. I’d love to know if I’m being overly harsh/not ready to be back out there or whether I’m just observing my instincts.

-one guy told me he always takes the women he matches on the same first date; a dog walk by the beach so ‘at least the dog gets a walk’ I unmatched him

-a guy I was meant to meet for coffee specified in his profile that he liked ‘violent sports’ which for some reason gave me a bad feeling. My texts have trailed off since reading that

Any advice?

You have to keep going, OLD can be like a full time job. I chatted to 1000's, dated hundreds, slept with a few of those, met less than 10 who were relationship material, 3 or 4 butterfly connections. Sometimes it was fun but I did become jaded at times.

BellatrixOnABadDay · 06/03/2022 19:24

Fwiw I think it's great that you're ruthless @Ywnaged - it's so important to have boundaries and listen to your gut when dating.

It's really depressing that the best I've managed to find on there are ones who can behave respectfully for something casual. I don't bother looking for more now. That's partly because I've realised I'm happy being single, and also because my ex was abusive and so I don't really trust men anymore and don't see that changing. I tend to casually date guys in their 20s (I'm 33 😂) who don't want more than fun. Suits them, suits me.

FurPunt · 06/03/2022 20:21

OLD) is my window into the world of the opposite sex. It feels like a grubby window

Well, that’s a bit sad. But also maybe reality. I am a lot older than you, and OLD is not my thing anymore. But I guess, if you persevere, there are possibilities. It might be interesting meeting up with lots of people, like kind of social research! You may even make some male friends … a bit unlikely but I guess possible. OLD Romance is less likely for the discerning, I firmly believe this. Travel and interests are a more likely avenue. Keep it up as a side interest, like the dog man (unfortunate name lol).

Seaoftroubles · 06/03/2022 22:20

OP Sounds to me like your boundaries are firmly in place and that can only be a good thing. I think your instincts were spot on, there's nothing wrong with being discerning so carry on as you are.

ToiletPoster · 07/03/2022 11:43

I think it's a reasonable approach. You only have so much time and dating uses a lot of it.

I see it sort of like poker. Statistically, you should (usually) be folding the majority of the time. Same with dating. If you were the sort of person who was widely liked and liked people widely, you would probably find yourself in a relationship incidentally.

If you're doing online dating, generally, you either like few people, are liked by few people or some combination of these. Having the ability to "meet" a large amount of people is a boon but the vast majority will go nowhere. The earlier you can determine the dead ends, the better.

MrsDamonSalvatore · 07/03/2022 12:08

I agree with your thought processes for binning off all these dates, which all sounds perfectly reasonable and logical and not picky at all.

I don’t think the dog walker thing is harsh as some OPs do. Is he creating a spreadsheet so he can do a direct comparison with all his previous dates so he can score them accordingly? (Refused to get boots muddy 5/10, turned nose up at dog poo 3/10, enthusiastically threw a stick for dog 8/10, or whatever?! )

SpanishPapers · 07/03/2022 12:12

Sounds very sensible to me. With dog walk guy, I think the line about the dog was fine but telling you he takes everyone on the same date was an odd decision.

BowerOfBramble · 07/03/2022 12:32

I don't think you're too spiky, ruthless filtering is the only way to avoid wasting colossal amounts of time and I think your reasons (unimaginative, likes violence, don't fancy him) are solid.

Having said that when I found myself almost annoyed with every bloke on the apps, I did take a good break from dating for a few weeks or months. It's not fair on yourself or them otherwise. So if you're feeling angry before you even swipe, I'd step back.

Inthesameboatatmo · 07/03/2022 12:53

It's not spikey it's self preservation.

LadyCordeliaFitzgerald · 07/03/2022 12:54

You sound just fine to me, OP. There’s a lot of weeding on OLD. I wouldn’t meet anyone until I had guaged how they reacted to me not replying to them for a good few hours and having a very minor disagreement. The reactions to those things will tell you a lot (and save you weeks of time irl)

I’d have binned off everyone of them. You deserve better. Next!

Original poster

Ywnaged · 07/03/2022 12:59

Agree with the general consensus to step back. I feel furious with some of the time wasters.

Plus it’s making me really miss my ex! Is that a byproduct of dealing with the unimaginative?

OP posts:

rookiemere · 07/03/2022 13:01

Far better being too fussy, than being like the OP in another thread who's wasted 6 months of bantz with some loser she has never even met.

Muppetlove · 08/03/2022 12:09

I don't believe you are too ruthless or spiky.

I met my DH on Bumble. I was pretty ruthless with what I was looking for, not that I had some ridiculous list of features / characteristics but more than I didn't waste my time with men that I knew weren't right for me.

I don't believe it's a numbers game. In fact each guy I went out with on Bumble felt one step closer to the kind of guy I was looking for. I went on comparatively few dates, sifted out a lot of men and then met DH. Married and living happily ever after, well most of the time

aalidfeie · 08/03/2022 16:25

I think you are just trusting your instincts and perhaps maybe also need a break from the dating apps? I would have acted the same way as you. When the right person comes a long, it just feels easier and not like you're on red alert of a chore.

aalidfeie · 08/03/2022 16:26

@aalidfeie

*or like its a chore

aalidfeie · 08/03/2022 16:28

@MrsDamonSalvatore

I agree with your thought processes for binning off all these dates, which all sounds perfectly reasonable and logical and not picky at all.

Agree - if a man had said the same to me about the dog walking thing I would have immediately unmatched. I actually went "ew" as I read it. I would also hate to go a dog walk with some random man I am meeting for the first time - fkinghell talk about low effort....

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