Am I too spiky to be online dating?

[Ywnaged]

I’ve realised that I am ruthless at the moment on dating apps.

For background; I split up with someone around Xmas. My call. Prior to that I was in a fairly long-term relationship with a rather controlling man. I’m now wondering whether I’m too jaded to be back on the dating scene. I know what I don’t want but not what I do if that makes sense?

Some examples below. I’d love to know if I’m being overly harsh/not ready to be back out there or whether I’m just observing my instincts.

-one guy told me he always takes the women he matches on the same first date; a dog walk by the beach so ‘at least the dog gets a walk’ I unmatched him

-a guy I was meant to meet for coffee specified in his profile that he liked ‘violent sports’ which for some reason gave me a bad feeling. My texts have trailed off since reading that

-I’ve sacked off a date tonight as i’ve had a tough week at work and didn’t feel a spark when we met 2 weeks back. Couldn’t bring myself to go out and be perky (this is quite unlike me!) whereas previously I would have gone and given it a shot

-I’ve been messaging a guy who wants to meet tomorrow. He has suggested a different, more inconvenient place (between our homes) to meet on three occasions which I have (twice) politely pushed back. Today I firmly asked him what the deal was with him insisting on an awkward meeting spot and he backed right down. I’m already hacked off with what I sense is boundary pushing. AIBU to cancel?!

Argh, I just don’t have a sense of whether it’s too soon for me to be dating, whether I’m being overly frosty or whether I’m spot on in my assessments and should just keep trucking. Or maybe even step away from the apps until I feel less angry.

Any advice?

I thought the dog walk guy was being funny, but dating someone with a dog might be constricting so fair enough to bin.

Maybe you need a break from OLD. I met my DH through it, but almost 20 years ago it wasn't as nuanced as it is now. It sounds exhausting.

I think you're probably right in your assessments, and trusting your intuition is so important. You might also be a bit spiky right now and need to take a break from OLD. Have you had any counselling or support since leaving the controlling guy? Have you done the freedom program or read anything about coercive control or emotional abuse? You may need some time to heal from that before dating again. It's important to honour your feelings, and not feel like you have to be dating to be over the last one.

I think you are doing the right thing.

I’ll answer a few questions that came up here. Thanks for the support from my fellow boundary fans. I will definitely check out the Reddit thread!

• I would never meet someone in a secluded spot for the first time. Ever. I’m not daft.

-dog guy might have had a sense of humour. So do I on a good day 😉 but as someone who was looking for a date (maybe with him!) I found it offputting to be told that he took the same approach with every woman from OLD. He was also a little prickly on other things (like asking me why I’d cancelled my Saturday night plans etc) and I found his tone a little ‘off’. Yes, he did ask if I like dogs which I do. Very much. But I like a whole host of other things too. His lazy and jaded approach didn’t sit well with me.

Perhaps I’m tainted by going on a coffee date the other week (see mr no spark) and seeing him have to pick up after his four-legged friend whom he regularly checked on during our first meeting. I appreciate him being responsible but seeing him carry a bag of shit on a first meeting didn’t set my heart on fire 😆

• violent sports man. I don’t know what to say on this other than I don’t like violence. In any form. Do I want to date someone who watches a violent sport? I don’t think so. Likewise, after two years of being shunned for LFC matches I’m not wasting my free time on a sport that leaves me cold

Three serious ex partners of mine have been Geminis. I remain on the fence 😆

The dog guy might have been being self-deprecating in his humour.

I think there's a lot of seaweed to get through to find a fish sometimes...
Dog walker man sounds best of your selection but perhaps delete apps til you are feeling more upbeat to tackle the dating pool.?

If dog guy is being funny but it doesn’t match her sense of humour then it’s a good idea not to go on a date with him - someone whose sense of humour irritates you from the start is a terrible basis for long term relationship!

@Carpy899

What's wrong with violent sports? I watch MMA and boxing and am yet to have a physical altercation

I think your comment is at best disingenuous. In the realms of OLD when you are having to do a bit of thin slicing, it's hardly unreasonable that you might be put off at the mention of 'violence' in someone's profile, no matter how that manifests itself. Be sensible.

I’m laughing at all the Gemini comments 😆!

It’s a pity the OP didn’t up the dog man’s jaded banter, with something similar, yh well it gets me out of my pyjamas, at least …. Though personally I’d prefer not to walk and to sit down and look them in the eye!!

@RobertSmithsLipstick

What if you found out during the date that they had a dog called Simon/Andy/Gary?

I'd feel sorry for the dog.

You know your feelings on what's right, I don't think you're being spiky, I would not except a dog walking date the same as he does every other woman, it lacks interest, the date should involve you too, not just what he wants to do. Coffee dates, I couldn't ever imagine finding someone attractive in a coffee shop, so unimaginative and boring.
If you're not full of excitement at the thought of meeting a man just don't arrange a date.

"anyone called Simon, or Andy (or variations thereof)..."

Why?

"Anyone who decides their profile is the best place to disclose fetishes"

Isn't it better to be able to filter them out straight away?

"anyone who takes drugs (or doesn't specify that they dont take drugs)"

It would never occur to me that you have to specify that you don't take drugs.
You make me laugh.

" I thought someone who played guitar would be a little too in touch with their emotions"

This is quite strange...

I think you can shrug off a guy for any reason (and none of your reasons are bad really). But that isn't what makes someone spikey. But you do comes across rather irritable and grumpy about dating, especially since you haven't actually even been single or dating that long...If you think you may be coming across spikey, you probably are.

People can sense negativity/irritability and it is a turn off. It's fine in a colleague or a friend, but in a life partner anyone (well, emotionally healthy/securely attached people anyway) would prefer someone who gives off a more positive energy - makes you want to be around them. Rather than leave feeling drained and miserable. Especially in online dating when there's so much choice. Even when I interview people, i focus on their personality//energy levels because I don't want to hire someone who may be great at their job but will bring the team's morale down with their persistent misery.

So I think it's best to take a break from dating and men till you're feeling more enthusiatic about it all. Because with your current headspace, even after all the weeding out, when you eventually meet a great guy, he won't be keen because you'll still not be your best self. Weeding out is good to do, but if you think of what human beings want when dating - someone who makes you feel good about yourself, who adds something to your life - do you think you're in the headspace to do that for anyone? If the answer is no - step back. Heal from your break ups.

The first guy is brilliant. It is pragmatic, affordable, public, and most importantly It prescreens his dates to the type of women who find that kind of first date appealing. I find that kind of logic and strategy very attractive.

You don't sound too harsh to me, except ducking out of a second date at last minute. Better not to agree to one if there's no spark.

I'd be seriously put off by dog-man. I'd love a dog walk and chat ion a beach but his revelation that that is all he ever does on a first date suggests it's all about him. The women he meets are commodities that need to fit into his life. Suppose they'd prefer to do something else? What happens then?

Violent sports - creepy. Avoid.

TBH when I was doing a lot of online dating I pretty much did the same first, second and third dates with everyone, including wearing the same outfits. It just lessened the mental load. What I didn't do was tell them that!

I think standards are a good thing, as long as you accept that it may take you longer to meet someone (or you may never meet someone "good enough", which is what happened to me).

OP, you’ve every right to set boundaries and discount people you don’t think would be a match. That’s fair enough.

But if it’s leaving feeling cross or stressed, maybe you’ve just not got the time and energy to focus on dating right now.

@Gwenhwyfar

"anyone called Simon, or Andy (or variations thereof)..."

Why?

"Anyone who decides their profile is the best place to disclose fetishes"

Isn't it better to be able to filter them out straight away?

"anyone who takes drugs (or doesn't specify that they dont take drugs)"

It would never occur to me that you have to specify that you don't take drugs.
You make me laugh.

Already answered the first question.

"Anyone who decides their profile is the best place to disclose fetishes' why?

Because its inappropriate - you don't walk up to someone in bar and say hey I'm looking for a dom/sub/someone to let me lick their feet do you fancy it?

In a relationship you might feel more open minded because trust will have been established.

If other people feel differently then that's fine, personally I don't.

anyone who takes drugs (or doesn't specify that they dont take drugs)

Some online dating apps allow users to state outright if they take drugs as well as whether they drink or smoke.

I make myself laugh too.

This is exactly why Im not bothering with the apps at the moment as its making me so bitter. They are just full of lying cheating twats who just want to get as many shags as possible with zero effort. Men are cunts.

@Ywnaged

What do you want out of a romantic relationship?

To "settle down", marry, have children? Or companionship and see where it goes?

You appear to be relentless in your dating... Is that strategy working for you, talking to multiple people at once?

Your post sounds exhausting, are you even remotely enjoy the dating process??

I get sick of the twats on the apps too, have attached a screenshot of an exchange I had last time I was on tinder.

I'm very lazy and cba with dating much atm. But I sometimes find it entertaining when I'm bored being spiky with the low life fools on there 😁

@FurPunt who’s to say I didn’t? 😆

I absolutely love your approach OP. Don’t change a thing and don’t give dog walk man another chance (no idea why people are suggesting you should!)

The same as many other people, @Anthurium. Companionship, fun, affection. No I don’t want children (not right now) and I’m not interested in freezing my eggs. It's not the husband and kids model that I seek really, it’s seeing where things go. I also work from home in a rural place so to some extent this (OLD) is my window into the world of the opposite sex. It feels like a grubby window.

I’m not enjoying the process because I consider some of the behaviours I’ve listed as being alarming and yes, perhaps I am simply not ready for dating and need to bow out for a while and get my head straight. You say exhausting/relentless but frankly this is a numbers game and it would be a bit daft to message only one or two people, wouldn’t it?

@BellatrixOnABadDay im sorry you had to deal with that arseholery in your DMs. It’s obviously nothing personal but I know that doesn’t help the icky feeling it gives you!